Title: Revision: “Skylights” - “Under The Sun” series, Part 1 Chapter 1/20 Author: T'Thrill

Series: TOS Romance Code: S/K/Mc Rating: NC-17 m/m , m/f Summary: Just days before the end of the first five-year mission, feelings become exposed with unexpected results, causing major changes to the relationship between Kirk, Spock and McCoy.

“Starlights,” is the first part of the “Under the Sun” series. This part begins at the end of the original five-year mission and continues to after “Startrek: The Motion Picture”

Originally published in 1999, this has been rewritten and expanded. I hope you enjoy this newer version.

Warning: This story contains very explicit m/m sex. If you are not interested in and/or offended by such things, you will find reading this a complete waste of your time so please move on. If you are under 18 years of age, please move on.

Disclaimer: Copyright 1999/2002 by T'Thrill. This is an original work of amateur fiction based on the Star Trek television series and subsequent movies. It makes transformative use of Star Trek and is intended only for noncommercial purposes. This work makes "fair use" of Star Trek copyrighted material; it is not intended to infringe on the intellectual property rights of Paramount, Viacom or other owners of copyright in Star Trek or any of their assignees or licensees. The author's copyright extends only to the original material in this work. No monetary value can be assessed due to the fact that there was no payment exchanged for this material.

Archive: Okay to archive in COCO-SSD and ASCEM only provided that header, disclaimers, my name, and email address is attached. All others, please ask. My email address is -- TThrill1612@aol.com

Acknowledgements - Selek, who has spent literally hours pouring over this series. These were the first stories I attempted, and in preparing to post sequels, I wanted to rework these very rough earlier parts. His time, patience, and talents have been invaluable to me. And Marcee, who spent an evening of IM’s discussing scenes that were giving me problems and offering wonderful suggestions. Thanks to both of you.

“Starlights”

Chapter 1

Sitting in the seat of the hovercar, he pulled the thin material around him. He had found it in one of the storage compartments and presumed it was supposed to be some type of a blanket, but it wasn’t nearly thick enough to keep the nighttime chill away. “This damned planet is supposed to be hot!” Leonard McCoy grumbled to himself as he strained once more to see the nearly invisible entrance to the structure that was located just meters outside of the shuttle’s window. “At least that’s what Spock always said. Green-bloodied son-of-a-bitch! That’s the last time I believe anything he tells me! Well, presuming I get to talk to him at all!” He looked at the control panel and considered powering up the vehicle and seeing if he could locate some type of warming unit. But if he’d read the instruments correctly, the aircar had less than half of its original charge remaining. He didn’t know what daybreak would bring, but he knew he may need all of the power he had left.

“You know, if anyone sees me sittin’ here talking to myself, they’ll probably just dismiss me as some raving lunatic. But, what the hell! No one else has bothered to listen to me lately!” He pulled the material over his head, tucked it around his neck, grasped it firmly in front of him and settled back in the less than comfortable seat.

After arriving in the area late the evening before, it had taken him over an hour to locate the structure. Searching was made that much more difficult by the billows of steam that seemed to rise from the bowels of the planet as if, just beneath the surface, the rocks were bleeding what little moisture they contained into the hot, dry air. After landing the aircar, a real feat since the control panel was in Vulcan symbols and he wasn’t the experienced pilot he professed to be when he rented the thing, he had wasted another hour searching the edifice for any entrance that would lead to the inside. Finally spotting a small break in the solid wall, he decided that this must be the entrance and he cautiously approached it. Upon close examination, he located a small hole carved into the side with a metal ring protruding from the cavity. There was something just above the opening and he ran his fingers over it. The red dust spilled from the objects, which he discovered were more of the blasted Vulcan symbols. Having no clue to their meaning, he looked around and shrugged. “What the hell,” he mumbled to himself as he pulled on the ring.

For several minutes, there was no response, no indication at all that his presence had been noticed. Just about the time he had decided to explore further, he heard the sound of the heavy door being opened. A robed Vulcan male with ancient, chiseled features that made him seem as old as the structure he emerged from, stepped through the narrow opening.

The Vulcan said nothing, but bowed ever so slightly. Whether it was from the thin air, or from the fact he had so much that he wanted to say quickly, he wasn’t sure, but McCoy’s words tumbled from him in a breathy rush. “I’m Leonard McCoy…Doctor Leonard McCoy, from Starfleet. I understand that you have a student here, Spock, son of Sarek. It’s important that I speak with him. It’s regarding a most urgent matter.”

The ancient Vulcan seemed to carefully contemplate his words before he calmly replied. “These are the hours of meditation, Doctor Leonard McCoy. However, the matter will be considered following morning ritual. You will be advised at that time as to the outcome of your request.” With that, the Vulcan turned and disappeared through the door, closing it behind him, once more nearly concealing the entrance from detection. McCoy stood staring at the impenetrable entrance for several minutes. Because of the deep clank that sounded when the door was closed, he realized it was composed of some type of thick, heavy metal, stained to the color of the desert by unknown centuries of being beaten by the wind and red sand. Whatever this place was, it was certainly designed to keep anyone out, or in, as was this case.

In the last four days he had traveled from Earth to Vulcan and then to this god-forsaken part of the desert. Many hours had been spent making up an elaborate ruse to tell to whomever he had to, to let him in to see Spock. In the end, he had decided to just keep it simple. He was from Starfleet and needed to see Spock regarding an urgent matter. Of course, even that wasn’t the truth. As of five days ago, he had resigned his commission with Starfleet and this was certainly no ‘Fleet sanctioned mission.

Seeing no alternative, and feeling the unexpected coolness of the evening as the sun disappeared behind the towering mountains, he had returned to the shuttle. He had considered returning to Shi'kahr to find lodging for the evening, but decided against it. He wasn’t sure just how early the morning ritual was, but he was not going to risk missing this one opportunity should it arise. And he was running on pure adrenaline. He knew that wherever he stayed, rest would not come easily. His future hinged on what was happening behind those walls. He decided the shuttle would suffice. It was a decision he regretted more than once, as the desert grew colder and the night grew longer. Shifting himself once more in the seat, he finally drifted into a restless sleep.

The orange sun rose over the horizon and the bright glow roused him out of the dull, dreamless state he had been in for the last three hours. He stood up and stretched, trying to relax the knotted muscles in his neck and back. Searching the cabin for anything to drink, he found a storage cabinet containing several bottles of a greenish-blue liquid marked, again, with Vulcan writing. However he did recognized it as a drink he had seen being consumed in the transportation center when he had arrived on the planet the day before.

Shaking the container and watching small bubbles form inside, he popped the seal. He smelled the faint, fruity odor, shrugged and sighed. ‘Oh well, it’s liquid,’ he thought, and tipped the rim of the container to his lips. Its taste was best described as a thick, sweet, slightly fermented, pineapple-apricot juice. Not bad, but it wouldn’t do much to quench his thirst. A good shot of bourbon would have been even better, but he’d had too many of those lately. Attempting to get the taste of the red dust out of his mouth, he continued sipping the concoction.

Looking up at the towering stone walls, even in the light of the early morning it was difficult to see exactly where the entrance was set into the red rock. As the morning light became more intense, he continued watching the structure that seemed to blend into the mountain behind. He wondered if a decision had been made on whether or not he would be allowed to see to him. What would he say if he did get the chance? Would professing his love for the Vulcan and asking him to return to Earth with him mean anything? Earth, hell! Leonard knew he would stay here on Vulcan, or spend the rest of his life traveling the Antares Triangle, if that’s what Spock wanted to do. He didn’t care where they lived, just so long as it was together.

Would he be able to keep his temper in check when he saw him? He was so damned mad at Spock for the way he’d left, that he had to remind himself not start yelling the minute the opportunity presented itself. There would time enough later to give the Vulcan a good, old-fashioned dressing down, he hoped. No, he would use this time to profess all of those feeling that he had, not so successfully, kept a lid on all these years.

Still sipping the much too sweet potion, he realized the heat from the sun reflecting off the desert floor would soon make his stay here unbearable. Standing within the shade of the hovercar, he decided to try again to make an appeal to the gatekeeper. McCoy had no idea what the morning ritual was, or what time it would be over, but a patient man he’d never claimed to be.

As he rounded the corner of the shuttle and stepped into the harsh, bright orange heat of the Vulcan day, something caught his eye. Focusing his attention toward the motion, he turned to see the same Vulcan he had spoken with the previous evening emerging from the opening in the structure. McCoy ran the twenty meters or so to the entrance.

Stopping before the man, and taking a moment to catch his breath, he started to speak, but before he could ask anything the Vulcan bowed slightly and stated, “Your request has been denied.”

He turned as McCoy was saying quickly, between panting breaths, “But--it’s extremely urgent that I speak with him! Does he know I’m here? Answer me, does Spock--” the door closed with a metallic clang that rang the finality of the decision into the stillness of the desert air. He desperately pulled at the ring over and over, until blisters began to form in the creases of his fingers, but this time there was no acknowledgment of his presence. Before leaving Earth, he had known this trip was a futile attempt at the impossible, but he knew he had to try. He had convinced himself that if Spock knew he was here, he couldn’t refuse to see him. But, like so many other things recently, he had been wrong in that assumption too.

McCoy thought of one person who might have been able to intercede in this matter. He had contacted Sarek as soon as he found out about Spock’s intentions, hoping to enlist his help in stopping him. But he was advised in no uncertain terms, that this was Spock’s decision. Sarek made it clear that, even though he may not agree with his son’s decision, he would do nothing to interfere. McCoy had asked if there was any other recourse, knowing the tone in his voice reveled the blatant emotionalism of his plea. Well, at this point, he didn’t give a shit who he had to humble himself to. He was determined to do everything in his power to stop this insanity.

Sarek had advised McCoy that an appeal directly to the Masters of Gol would be his only possibility, albeit a slim one, to speak with Spock. He did state that Gol was a life-long commitment and few in Vulcan’s history had ever chosen to leave once they were committed to a life within the order.

“Spock--why?” he whispered, looking up at what appeared to be a solid wall that seemingly joined the sky above to the rock beneath his feet. The thought occurred to him to try to find a place to climb over, he had shimmied a few fences in his youth, but this fortress was far beyond anything he had ever encountered in his early years. Banging his fists once against the impenetrable door, he slumped against it. McCoy, his shoulders fallen with the weight of defeat, turned and walked back to the hovercar.

Glancing back once more toward the fortified structure, he felt the hot tears as they began to sting his eyes and spill onto his cheeks. He wiped them away with the back of his hand and then rubbed his eyes to clear his vision. Steeling himself against the degradation and disappointment, he stepped inside the vehicle. “All right you cold-hearted bastard, if this is the way you want it to end, so be it!” He turned the shuttle in the direction of Shi'kahr and never looked back. Not for the next two and a half years.

Chapter 2

Four days was all that it had taken. Four days to push Spock out of his life and see him leave for Vulcan. Four days to tell Leonard McCoy to leave him the hell alone, that it was none of Bones’ business what he chose to do. Four days to prove to the two of them that they had no control over him or his decisions. Four days to cave into the wishes of Starfleet and accept the title of Admiral James T. Kirk, Chief of Starfleet Operations.

James Kirk quickly found himself in the position of “Starfleet’s Golden Boy”. The workload as Chief of Starfleet Operations was time consuming and despite much grumbling from those around him, he attempted do as thorough a job as possible with each task assigned him. With effort, he could lose himself in the mundane, endless duties that now compiled his daily life. But most of what was required of him took little thought.

Right from the beginning, Admiral Komack, his immediate superior, made clear that his main duty was to show up at official functions and use his formidable powers of persuasion on any delegates that were considering joining, or threatening to leave, or had something to offer the Federation. If it took “charming” an emissary into acknowledging the Federation’s point of view, he was the one they called for. He wasn’t a diplomat by any stretch of the imagination; he didn’t even have the limited authority to negotiate deals that he had possessed as a Starship captain. No, his job was to turn on the charisma so the delegate would be more than willing to sit down with the Diplomatic Corp. The term he most often thought of, on the rare occasions that he let himself consider his situation at all, was James T. Kirk, Starfleet whore.

After many months of this, he began to compare himself to a character he had read about in one of the antique books he owned. It was the tale of an organ grinder’s monkey. This creature had been kept on a leash and when the organ grinder played a song, the monkey, dressed in bright colors, would work the crowd. It would do a simple dance and tip its hat for coins. That basically summed up what Jim Kirk had become.

He didn’t care. Since the end of the five-year mission, since Spock left, since McCoy had resigned and moved on, his life had become a series of doing the dance and tipping his hat. And, of course, fucking anything that came his way. Being Starfleet’s prized possession, it wasn’t hard to find warm bodies in which to lose himself. He never had to look too far for company. He was quite the star and a whole array of nameless women, and men, were more than willing to fall into bed with him. He found that frequent, emotionless, mindless sex was an adequate way to numb his brain and body against any unwanted memories that may want to slip into his consciousness.

He even found it quite amusing that during the time he served in space, his reputation for being a “Tom Cat” was mostly undeserved. It took being grounded for him to really become the wanton, promiscuous Kirk that everyone assumed he had been in his earlier years. Back then, there hadn’t been time to get into trouble, much, and his few exploits were greatly overblown. But since being assigned to Headquarters, he had done all in his power to live up to the reputation that preceded him.

He found out quickly that as long as he was accomplishing his goals, no one at Starfleet was going to yank his chain too hard. And he had learned to simply ignore that empty, cavernous hole inside. That place where affection, pride and anger used to live. Those feelings held no meaning for him now; held no place in this life. The only pleasure left to him was pleasure of the most basic sort.

Many times he would wake and not know whom he was curled next to. It had to be this way. Any form of self-induced physical relief was out of the question. The one scenario that could arouse him was the one memory he refused to allow. Alcohol or other mind-altering substances made him lose control, and that was something he could never again afford to do. Control at all times was mandatory. Without it, his mind could wander to events he did not want to relive. So, fucking was the answer. Male, female, individually, collectively, it didn’t really matter. James Kirk was always ready to rise to the occasion.

This was the life Jim had carved out for himself and, after more than two years, he couldn’t remember it being any different. His life on the Enterprise seemed like something unreal and far away.

Oh sure, he still recited the details of his adventures at every official function. That was what he was expected to do. Anyone who had dealings with the Federation had seen the vids of the mission and wanted to hear the details directly from the lips of the famous commander. So, a couple of times each week, he would find himself the center of attention, relaying the facts of one or more of his many exploits to some fat Ambassador whose planet could offer the Federation some rare mineral or base site, and he even managed to interject a modicum of emotion along with the fantastic tales.

And, if his lack of exuberance ever did show, his audience always believed this as nothing more than his modesty in regard to these incredible accomplishments. In reality, to Jim, it was if he were reciting tales about some other person in some other time. And so it went, never looking forward, refusing to look back, and merely existing from day to day. This worked for him until the day he was called into Komack’s office to discuss the Enterprise.

“Come in Admiral Kirk.” Jim watched as Admiral Komack motioned to a chair in front of the massive monstrosity that the admiral used as his desk. Jim had a fondness for antiques, and this was indeed old, but it was so large and ornate that it would best be described as twentieth-century gaudy. It did, however, perfectly match the man nearly hidden behind it. As he entered the senior man’s office, Jim saw the glimmer of a smile that exposed the razor-like edge of the too white, too short teeth and knew that a smile from this jackass meant nothing good.

Jim always noticed that in private, Komack would call him by his title, but at any given opportunity he would refer to him publicly as “Jim,” as if to undermine his holding the position of admiral. “Have a seat. I have the duty of advising you that we have selected the captain of the Enterprise. It will be announced this evening that Will Decker will be taking the center seat.”

‘Duty, my ass,’ Jim thought. Since the beginning, Komack had taken advantage of every given opportunity to ‘turn the knife’ in his gut and expected this news to make him crazy. Jim was well aware of the fact that this man loathed him. More than once, he had been overheard stating that Kirk had always managed to be in the right place at the right time and, as the youngest captain in the fleet, had spent five years flying around the galaxy to come home to the accolades of a conquering hero. Jim had heard Komack point out that although he had spent eighteen years at Starfleet, nine of those years as one of the Joint Chiefs, at the official functions it was always this ‘too young, too good looking, too reckless, boy,’ who everyone wanted to meet.

“Now that her overhaul is complete,” the senior admiral continued, still trying for a rise out of Kirk, but failing, “the Enterprise will be the most technologically advanced in the fleet. This will allow us to send this ship into areas of deep space that we have never before had the opportunity to explore. With all of this in mind, we have decided that Decker is the man for the job.” The smirk on Komack’s face said much more than the words. He expected the great James Kirk to request, even demand, that he be given back the Enterprise.

“An excellent choice, Admiral,” Jim stated flatly.

Jim was not surprised. He knew a sitting admiral would never be given the command of a starship. He enjoyed the disappointment on Komack’s face when he gave no argument about the assignment. What this pompous ass did not realize was that it was Jim who had recommended Will Decker to Admiral Nogura. After being refused for the assignment himself, he told Nogura that Decker would be the best available choice for the captain’s chair.

He had followed Will’s progress these last years. Jim had known his father, for good and for bad, and had been there when Matt Decker, in the grips of near insanity, had given his life in an attempt to destroy the Doomsday machine. Will was young, well, not so young as Kirk was when he took command, but young nonetheless, and had been assigned to oversee the refit. Jim felt that since Will was the one most familiar with the ship, and was fully rated in all areas, that he was the most capable of all the candidates. Jim would have never recommended him otherwise, but he also felt he owed this to the young man who had lost his father to deep space.

The grin had completely faded from Komack’s sharp-featured face. “The refit should be completed within the next four weeks. We will need you to arrange the crew assignments for the remaining officer positions that have been left open. Of course, Montgomery Scott has remained with the Enterprise during the refit and will be staying on as chief engineer. And most of the senior crew from the previous mission has applied to be assigned back to the ship. I will leave those decisions up to you, but we need to have those positions filled within the week.” It was obvious that not having him raise any argument had ruined Komack’s day. He quickly dismissed Jim and acted as if he was too busy for any further discussions.

Letting a smile play on his lips, the result of some amount of satisfaction, Jim left the admiral’s office and returned to his own. Jim spent the next days filling each position just as he would for any Constellation Class starship expedition, not thinking about this as the Enterprise. When he spoke with Will, he had told him he was envious. It was a statement that he was sorry for as soon as he had said it. It was a moment of letting his guard down and something he was determined not to let happen again. Even though he knew that he would have to speak to certain officers who had comprised his old crew, he delayed that as long as possible. In the last few days, he had completed all of the assignments except for the returning crew, but the day came when it could be put off no longer.

Nyota Uhura seemed genuinely glad to hear from her former commander. Jim told her that she had been given the reassignment to the Enterprise as communications officer, and advised her that Will Decker would be the captain for this mission. She stated that even though she had heard the rumors that he would not be returning, it saddened her to hear Kirk would be missing from the center seat. He replied simply that his current position would preclude him from taking command. Jim was aware that his tone was very matter-of-fact, no emotion, no sound of chatting with an old friend, no small talk, just details.

“Will I see you before we leave, Admiral?” she asked him.

“I’m sure I’ll be onboard prior to launching. Perhaps we’ll see each other then.” With that, he closed the conversation. It had been even harder than he had expected. Seeing this lovely woman's face brought back memories that he had spent years fighting to suppress. He knew he had sounded much too formal with her, but he knew that informality would have encouraged questions, either personally or professionally, that he was unprepared to answer.

Keying off the view screen, he reached for a bottle of Scotch that was stored in the back of the bottom drawer. It had been a gift from Scotty on the day they announced his promotion. It had remained unopened. Now seemed to be the time. He poured a hefty glass of the concoction and tossed it down his throat, feeling the burn that descended toward the unsuspecting lining of his stomach. After drinking his courage, he turned back to the task at hand.

The conversations with Sulu and Chekov went basically the same. Gratefully, neither one had mentioned him taking over the center seat. Jim assumed they had already spoken with Nyota, and was glad to not have been questioned regarding the specifics. Those four, Scotty included, had always been very close. He assumed that had not changed. There had always been speculation as to how close the four of them were, but as long as Starfleet saw no problems with their performance, and chain of command did not become an issue, the closeness of the relationship was never Jim’s concern. At any rate, the four friends would be reunited in two days. Anything beyond that was now a matter for Decker. Having faced the most difficult of the assignments, the next five days turned into a flurry of crew replacements, equipment logs and endless meetings.

Chapter 3

It was late evening when Jim arrived at his apartment. Not in the mood for companionship, he had resolved to spend the night alone and have something delivered to eat. Now that he was stationed in San Francisco, he had actually become quite a good cook. It was one facet of his life he did get some satisfaction from; maybe because it was the furthest thing from the replicated food he had spent all of his adulthood eating. Or, maybe because when he was concentrating on the preparation process, it left little time for his mind to wander. Whatever the case, it was too late, and he was too tired to plan and prepare a meal. He decided on Chinese, palmed the order into the comm unit and went to the kitchen to brew some tea. By the time the tea was ready, the signal chimed indicating the courier had arrived with his order. He keyed the access for the lift and, when the door slid opened, he took his dinner from the robot, sliding his chit into the slot for payment.

Walking toward the dining table, he glanced at the six chairs that surrounded it and decided against sitting there tonight. It did not usually bother him to eat alone, but after spending the last week looking at familiar faces, the empty chairs seemed to emphasize his self-imposed solitude. He took his cup and plate to one the seats nearest the large window that overlooked the view of the city. He commanded the lights to one-fifth so he could fully appreciate the sight of San Francisco Bay from his position. But instead of looking toward the city, he found himself looking toward the sky.

Although very faint, he could pick out the indicative soft blue glow. This was all that could be seen from Earth of the space dock above. This area could hold up to four Constellation Class ships, along with numerous other shuttles and transports. There were living quarters enough to comfortably house over one thousand families as well as a medical facility, a school, and a supply center. All of that, and more, compiled the faint group of bluish lights hovering in the night sky. The activity there was never ending. It held an excitement all its own. Adventures just completed and the promise of new and even more exciting ones yet to come.

Finding that he wasn’t very hungry, he picked at the plate of food, actually eating only a couple of bites. It was these damned reassignments that had him feeling agitated and, because of them, he hadn’t been in the best of moods for several days. Just this afternoon he had snapped at his assistant, Lt. Daniel Moricy, over a scheduling conflict. Moricy had been an excellent assistant since being assigned to Jim, and the error had not been Daniel’s, but another aide who had failed to advise the Lieutenant that a meeting had been posted to the schedule. When Daniel had advised him that he was expected in two places at the same time, Jim had jumped down his throat. After leaving the latest of the afternoon meetings, he discovered Dan had left the complex. Jim knew an apology was in order, and had been unable to address the situation. He always liked to handle any personnel issues the same day. A lesson learned from years of working in tight quarters with a starship crew.

Feeling very restless, and still unable to eat more than just a bite or two, he was beginning to question his decision to stay in tonight. He liked to drown himself in the after dark activities in the Club District. He wasn’t much of a drinker these days, but he enjoyed the company he met there, which consisted of people who were mostly just out for casual associations. Casual relationships were exactly what he looked for, as many as he could find.

One woman he had met was perfect. She wanted no strings. She told him she wanted to be free to bed anyone she wished without the responsibility of an exclusive relationship. They had been meeting each other for about six months, yet neither had told the other anything about themselves. And, although he was fairly certain that she knew who he was, most who had not spent the last years in seclusion did, his position was never discussed. She was Shayan, and he was Jim, and that was as personal as it got.

One or the other would leave a message on a posting board as to what club they would be going to that evening and, if the other happened to be available, they would meet there. They always ended up either in one of the communal rooms offered at most of the establishments, or at one of the hotels in the area. Neither had ever taken the other to their home. The things she could do with her mouth were unbelievable. That lady could “give a blowjob that would melt your mustache,” as Bones used to say. ‘Bones...’ Jim thought wistfully, feeling the warmth that seemed to accompany that name. Well, that was enough of thinking about him!

He went back to reflecting on the encounters he would have with Shayan. He felt his groin come alive and hoped this would bring him that which he needed. He discarded his clothes, doused the lights, and sat in the dark rubbing his erection and concentrated on how she would fuck him.

Sitting on top of him, her slick heat surrounding him, she would bring him to full arousal inside of her, contracting the walls of her vagina with each stroke as she rocked back and forth. Her orgasms would milk his cock inside of her heated channel. She always sensed the exact moment that his body would move toward ejaculation and she would bend over him, raising her hips, until his cock slid out of her.

Her tongue, starting at his neck, would move down his body, tease each nipple, slide down his chest and across his abdomen, ring his navel and trail a path to the base of his aching shaft. Finally reaching his straining organ, he would all but explode as her mouth lightly circled the sensitive head. With long strokes, the tip of her tongue would slide up and down his shaft, tracing each bulging vein. She would lap at the small slit and suck down the droplets of precum as they formed at the tip. Licking her way down to his testicles, she would carefully take each into her mouth gently sucking on them.

In the darkness of his apartment, his strokes on his own organ became faster with these recollections.

With his testicles bathed in her saliva, she would then return her attention to his throbbing dick. Starting at the base, she would nibble up the tender underside until she reached the head. Just when he couldn’t take it any longer, she would swallow the whole shaft, the back of her tongue massaging the sensitive area just behind the ridge and he would explode into her.

Looking down at his cock, he realized that instead of having an orgasm, he was becoming flaccid. Once again, the ability to masturbate had escaped him. His balls hurt from the pressure that had found no release.

Giving up, he released the hold he had on his organ. After his breathing had returned to normal, he reached for the cup of tea. He held the cup to his lips and the aroma filled his nose. He looked back to the lights in the night sky. Friends, joys, sorrows, beginnings, endings, black sky, blue lights…black hair, blue eyes--Spock’s black hair and McCoy’s ice blue eyes. ‘OH GOD, DON'T DO THIS!’ he silently screamed to no one, mentally grasping for anything that would stop the feelings that were so painful. He felt himself plummeting through the gossamer thin scar that had so very neatly formed inside, finding that there was nothing to seize onto to keep him from sliding down into the well of memories. And the feelings he had hidden away for so long flooded him. The realization that he was forever shut away from the life he loved, the ones he loved, hit him square in the center of his gut.

He didn’t realize that he had gone from sitting in the chair to his knees on the floor until he began to retch from the few bites of food he had eaten. Slumped over, he rocked back and forth for several minutes, his elbows propped on his thighs, his head bent and his fingers pressing hard against his forehead as if trying to physically reach inside his skull and stop the flood of images. Finally, slowly, pulling himself together, he was able to stand. His foot contacted wetness on the rug and he realized the cup had spilled beside him. He went to the kitchen and retrieved a cloth to absorb the liquid. All the while, he cursed himself for allowing these carefully suppressed memories to surface.

He knelt down to blot the tea from the carpet and picked up the cup. He remembered how he, in that life so very long ago, had loved having tea with the two of them. That was how it started, tea in Spock’s quarters. As he sat there staring at the cup, the newly reopened memories consumed him.

Chapter 4

Having just passed his fifth year as commander of the Enterprise, he had been ordered back to Earth Central where his ship would be brought into space dock for a complete refit. He couldn’t get an exact answer, but it was approximated that the new modifications would take a year, possibly more, to complete. For the duration of the overhaul, all but the refit team would be placed on temporary reassignment in the quadrant. Most crewmembers received their orders almost immediately, however the senior officers, himself included, had yet to be advised where they would be assigned. There was something in the communiqués he had received from Admiral Komack that sent shivers down his spine. He suspected there was something this man was keeping from him.

As the days grew shorter, Jim knew he should already have the information on the new ship that he would be commanding. Time was becoming a real concern. He needed to familiarize himself with the mission information prior to taking over, as well as request crew assignments. When Jim approached the subject with Komack, pointing out that his crew’s orders would change if he requested them for the new mission, the admiral had been very evasive.

Kirk didn’t trust the man. There had been too many times that Komack had failed him and his crew. And to have this man in control of his next assignment made him very uncomfortable. But he tried to brush it off as normal jitters. Knowing himself as well as he did, he understood that part of the apprehension he was feeling was coming from the fact that he hated having anyone control him. It was the reason he made a good deep-space captain, and the reason that being this close to the upper echelons made him so nervous.

These five years had passed so quickly. What this crew had accomplished was phenomenal, and Jim was well aware that he was the commanding force that led them. He had the confidence, the style, and the intellect that had made this voyage a resounding success. And he had Spock and McCoy at his side to guide him in the, albeit rare occasions when he was wrong.

Somewhere during this voyage, he had started to allow his thoughts to wander to something more between his first officer, chief medical officer and himself. Although technically it was against Starfleet rules, his major reason for never approaching either was that he had no desire to ruin the friendship they shared. On deep-space missions, there are always relationships that officially break rules, but as long as no one felt that they were being coerced, Jim didn’t mind who was sleeping with whom. With the few, rare situations that did arise where a crewmember felt compelled to engage in activities through threats or intimidation, Kirk handled the matter swiftly, decisively and permanently. He stood for none of that on his watch. But consensual sex…hell, as long as everyone reported to duty on time and uninjured, so be it.

But he had found it unnerving the first time he had been tempted to press his lips to Spock’s. It had been a grueling mission. The transport of so many Ambassadors and planetary officials with so many cultural differences, in itself, was a logistical nightmare. But to discover that the Vulcan Ambassador and his wife were Spock’s parents, had been the biggest surprise of all. More that that, he had felt hurt that Spock had never confided this to him. Before he had a chance to discuss this with his first officer, the mission became the things nightmares are made of.

Almost immediately there had commenced a series of infighting and physical attacks, the murder of the Tellerite Ambassador, the accusation of Sarek as the murderer and a brief, but significant, run-in with an Orion scoutship. Then there was the possibility of Sarek’s death and the necessary transfusion that only Spock could give. Many, McCoy and Spock’s mother, Amanda, included, thought Spock a cold son-of-a-bitch for not giving up command so the surgery could take place.

It was the first time he felt the connection to Spock that others missed. Jim could see the pain beneath those dark eyes and realized why Spock had never been able to confide in anyone, even him, about the relationship with his parents. He was being pulled apart between the Terran and Vulcan halves of himself. Was this what he had dealt with all of his life? It was the first time he wanted to go to his friend, put his arms around those broad shoulders and comfort him. Barely able to stand after being stabbed, he insisted on going to the bridge to free up Spock for the surgery. With every labored breath, he felt the need to do anything in his power to relieve the conflict within that beautiful, troubled mind. Even after the delegates had been delivered, and all wounds healed, he could feel the uneasiness that still bubbled within his comrade.

Several days later, they had just completed a grueling work out in the gym when he turned and found Spock’s face just inches from his own. For just a moment, he could imagine himself putting his hand on the back of the graceful neck and pulling that mouth to his. A brief flick of a dark eyebrow nearly caused him to give into the urge as he felt the wind being sucked out of him. Instead, turning quickly, he made a hasty retreat to his cabin. It was not the last time he would be so tempted, nor would it be the last time that particular person would play a major role in his fantasies as he lay on his bunk. However, after that encounter, the pain within those eyes seemed to lessen somehow. Maybe they had made a connection at that moment, each realizing that whatever they faced, they did not have to face it alone.

From that time on, they seemed to fall into step with each other a bit quicker, to read each other’s thoughts a little clearer, to anticipate each other’s moves a little faster. Even knowing that the desires he secretly felt would never be realized did not diminish the satisfaction he felt with Spock at his side. This, a slow understanding that he was falling in love with his Vulcan first officer, was pleasant and fulfilling. Not like the thunderbolt that hit him with another.

Almost from the first minute he had met McCoy, he had felt the camaraderie that would exist between them. Bones was the alter ego that he needed to temper his ‘take it to the edge’ personality. The doctor was a source of endless advice, mostly sound, and was always willing to lend an ear and an opinion. A quick wit and a heart of pure gold moderated the cantankerousness that all aboard got joy from, all but the stoic Mr. Spock.

From the beginning, Spock and McCoy began to butt heads over almost every conceivable subject, and always concluded with the same never-ending debate involving the benefits of emotionalism versus logical ideology. Neither man was prone to give in easily and the arguments that ensued were legendary. And so it went for the first three years they served together, the three of them the closest of friends, even if it would have killed either Spock or McCoy to admit it, and Jim playing the role of peacemaker.

Then came the day Jim was called to sickbay for the report on the mandatory yearly physical exams that had been completed on all crewmembers. All were healthy with the exception that one had contracted xenopolysythemia. Jim knew there was no cure for this disease and when Bones had finally told him that he was the crewmember who has less than a year to live, Jim felt his body go numb.

As much as he would have hated to hear this about any of his crew, he could not believe he was going to lose Bones. Not this man who had become the other part of himself. Not this man he loved! And there it was, the truth that he had not been willing to admit to himself. In one blood-chilling moment, he realized he also loved Leonard McCoy, and he was going to have to cope with giving him up to an enemy he had no control over. He knew damned well how to attack a predator that threatened them in the vastness of space, but he couldn’t aim a photon torpedo at the disease that was ravaging his friend.

Before he had time to fully cope with these new feelings, they encountered an asteroid that was on a collision course with a Federation planet, Daran V. Discovering the asteroid was actually a hollow ship disguised as a planet, the purpose of which was to transport the Yonadan people toward their new homeworld, they met Natira.

Leonard had chosen to remain on the planet and spend his last days with these people as Natira’s mate. Jim, although aware that the planet-ship may have to be destroyed, reluctantly accepted Leonard’s decision and decided against voicing his feelings. He did not wish to cause this gentle man any more emotional conflict than that with which he was already dealing. Leaving Bones inside the man-made asteroid, the next hours were spent trailing it, attempting to discover a way to alter its path, despite Starfleet’s demands that they leave McCoy behind.

It wasn’t the first sleepless night Jim had spent after defying Starfleet orders in an attempt to save a member of his crew. It had been a sleepless night for both Jim and Spock as they searched for an answer that would save not only the Yonadans and those on Daran V, but also their friend. Watching Spock work tirelessly toward a solution only increased the feelings he secretly held for this man, and for the man he knew, in one way or another, he would soon lose.

It had been Bones, himself, who had found the manual detailing the controls and the key to solving the problem. But in doing so, he broke the vows he had taken with Natira. After setting the asteroid-ship back on its intended course, and Spock discovering a cure for the xenopolysythemia in the Yonadan computer banks, McCoy decided against renewing his vows with the woman. Jim hoped it was because Leonard had discovered that his love could be better directed. But if that was the reason, the words were never spoken between them. The time never seemed right for such declarations and what the three found together was, in many ways, more fulfilling that any physical relationship could be, or so Jim convinced himself. Then, as they were headed toward an uncertain future with the ending of the five-year mission, there was an evening when it all changed.

Spock and he had played chess that evening after dinner. Neither had played their best game. Jim knew his thoughts were elsewhere, and it seemed that Spock was in the same state. Kirk kept looking at Spock as he was contemplating his moves. How many times had Jim seen him like this? His graceful fingers were steepled in front of him with his elbows resting on the arms of the chair, the lights in the rec room shinning on, what appeared to be under this illumination, his jet-black hair. As Spock moved a piece to the top of the 3-D configuration, Jim wondered how many times had he wanted to suggest that their relationship move to the next level. How many times had he pushed such thoughts away, deciding that what they had was much too valuable to risk?

Watching the graceful Vulcan, he reflected on their years together. What he had found after his rapid rise through the ranks, and assignment as captain of the Enterprise, were two who made him emotionally whole. Spock and Bones had, right from the first few days of the voyage, become his true friends, his confidants. As the months and years passed, they had become more than friends; they were the completion of his very being.

McCoy had joined them in the rec room that night. It seemed as if they were all feeling apprehensive about the end of the mission. Word on their reassignments still hadn’t come through and there were no guarantees that Starfleet would assign them together during the refit. Jim did feel that he had enough clout that he would have some say in the matter, but nothing was ever a sure thing when the paper pushers became involved.

“Well, I sure don’t feel like turnin’ in,” stated McCoy after the chess game had concluded. In reflecting back on these events, Jim couldn’t remember who had won that particular match. But he remembered Bones had sounded his most Southern when he had drawled, “I feel like someone’s put itchin’ powder down my drawers.”

Both Jim and McCoy looked at Spock, expecting the usual repartee to begin between the two of them, but instead, Spock said, “I obtained a variety of teas during our stopover on Masaron II. I would be most pleased to share them if you gentlemen would like to retire to my quarters.”

“Sir, I’d be delighted,” McCoy had stated emphatically, maybe too much so, Jim later thought.

“Sounds good to me, too,” Jim agreed.

The three of them walked in silence to the door of Spock’s cabin, which was just one door down from Jim’s. Jim had been here countless times in the past five years. There was small area separating the cabins they had turned into a place that could be used for either chess or private discussions. Using this path to access each other’s quarters had become quite comfortable to both of them over the years. The access doors, with only a few exceptions when complete privacy was desired, had remained unlocked since the beginning. As Spock palmed the control on the main corridor, Jim prepared himself for the blast of heat that would radiate from the cabin. Pleasantly, he found that the temperature, while still quite warm, was not as high as he expected.

The décor of the main part of this room had changed over the years. What had begun as a typical, industrial-style area, Spock had transformed into an area that more closely represented his Vulcan heritage. Gone were the standard chairs that were furnished with each cabin. Several large, soft woven mats that could be used for either sitting or meditating, had replaced them. There was a firepot in the corner of the room, a group of paintings representing the various stages of Vulcan evolution hung together along one wall, and several pieces of ancient Vulcan weapons were secured to another. The mesh screen that separated the sleeping area from the main room had been covered in a fine cloth, adding to the restful, elegant feeling in the cabin.

All removed their boots and Jim and McCoy seated themselves on the mats as Spock went to the replicator and ordered a carafe of hot water. He reached for three cups from the shelf above and carefully lifted thin pouches from a fragile wrapper and placed one packet into each cup. A container of steaming liquid slid from the opening in the wall and Spock poured the hot water into each cup. Jim couldn’t help but watch the long, delicate fingers as they moved precisely in the preparation process. Even something as simple as making tea was a graceful ritual to this man.

In a few moments, Spock handed them each a fragile cup, each lightly adorned with carvings of Vulcan figures. The steam arising from each bathed the room with the odor of the wonderfully aromatic liquid. McCoy inhaled, and with a slightly wicked smile toward Spock, he exclaimed, “Why Spock! Do I detect the aroma of ginseng and cinnamon? Now, ya know what that combination’s s’posed to do to humans, don’t ya?”

“Doctor, I am aware that according to certain herbalists, the combination of those ingredients in large quantities are suppose to act as an aphrodisiac. I am certain, however, that the amount of those particular spices found here would not qualify as sufficient for that purpose.”

Chapter 5

Jim was sitting on the floor in Spock’s cabin and watching the interaction between Spock and McCoy. An aphrodisiac! He certainly didn’t need something like that this evening! God, he was so attracted to both of these men that being here with them like this, relaxed and almost playful, formed a knot in the pit of his stomach. There was Bones with his rugged demeanor, quick wit, and kind soul, not to mention the bluest dammed eyes in the galaxy! How many fantasies had he conjured up about the things they could do on one of the diagnostic beds in sickbay?

And there was Spock with his sensitivity, graceful lines and beautiful spirit. This was the reason he could never suggest a relationship with them. How in the hell could he ever choose one over the other? But God, it would feel so good to lose himself to either one of these men. ‘Damnit Kirk, get a hold of yourself!’ he silently commanded himself. ‘Don’t do anything to screw this up! You’ve managed to hide these feelings for years. This is not the time to give yourself away!’

Spock sat down to the right of Jim with his knee just barley touching Jim’s thigh. Bones was seated to his left just a few inches away. There was some retort to Spock’s comment, but Jim was too busy trying to clear his thoughts to be able to concentrate on the remark. He could feel the heat from Spock’s knee radiating through the material of his uniform trousers and creeping up his leg. Proximity to each other was something that they had grown accustomed to.

At one time, Spock had an invisible arm’s length ‘no man’s land’ around him, which no one dared to invade. However, after years of close contact, that need for space no longer existed between the three of them. Jim had noticed some time ago that Spock was no longer repelled by the touch of either him or Bones. On the contrary, he seemed to be at his most relaxed state when he was physically close to them. There were times when he even initiated the contact himself by casually placing those heated hands on one of their shoulders or biceps. Such a touch had almost undone Jim more than once.

Jim allowed his eyes to wander down the Vulcan’s body. The strong, muscular chest and the forest of hair that he knew was lying just beneath the regulation shirt, now seemed too close to ignore. He had seen this man shirtless in the gym enough to know the hair thinned around the dark, olive tinged nipples and transformed into a slender line that disappeared into his waistband. How many times had he fantasized about following that line of hair to see where it took him? When they worked out, Jim would feel this heated body on his, feel the firm mass of Spock’s groin pressing against him, and had often wondered what it would feel like if the thin, stretchy material that comprised the regulation exercise pants would suddenly disappear. In the few times he had seen Spock briefly naked, he had not been able to study him as completely as he would have liked to.

Jim realized that his body was taking over where his mind left off and that he had a growing bulge in his pants. He knew he had to get out of this room, away from these men, but to stand up now would not be wise. He wanted nothing more than to make a run for the passage to his cabin, close the door and, using whatever fantasy necessary, regain his composure. Instead, he drew his knees up in front of him in an attempt to hide his growing problem. ‘Discipline, damnit! Just concentrate on the conversation,’ he demanded of himself. However, the discussion was over. Jim had no idea which man came out on top of this particular debate. Jim took a sip of the tea and looked at Spock, who was looking back with those dark eyes that seemed more dilated than usual.

Jim knew he had to say something to get his mind focused in a different direction. “Have you considered where you want to be assigned during the overhaul, Spock?” he asked. They had discussed this before, and he knew the question was a redundant one, but it was the best he could come up with at the moment.

Spock said nothing. Keeping direct eye contact, he moved from the sitting position to his knees and sat back on his heels directly in front of Jim. He sat his cup aside and placed his entwined hands in his lap. “Jim, I do not wish to discuss assignments this evening. There is, however, a matter I wish to discuss with you, and I believe that this may be the last opportunity I will have to do so.”

Jim glanced toward Bones and noticed that the doctor looked down at the cup clutched in his hand and began to trace the delicate carvings with his finger. Did he suddenly seem nervous? Jim knew Spock well enough to know that once he had decided to state his views on a particular subject, no prodding was necessary. He turned his attention to the solemn man who was perched on his heels in front of him.

“Jim, I have served with the two of you for these past years and I have had physical contact with each of you on many occasions. As you know, being a touch telepath, I can sense thoughts, and occasionally emotions, emanating from the one whom I am in contact with. In addition to that, we have mind melded on several occasions in the past. Because of this, there is a link that exists between us that makes me more susceptible to your thoughts and emotions when we have any type of physical contact.”

Even though the temperature was set lower than normal, Jim was suddenly feeling the heat in Spock’s cabin. He knew he needed to get up and get out of here, but his problem had not diminished. Quite the opposite, he now had a full-blown hard-on. He clutched his knees tighter together.

“Jim,” Spock continued, “I have been aware of your wish that the relationship you currently have with McCoy and myself develop into something more. I have been hesitant to discuss this with you, waiting instead for you to choose to come to one of us. However, given the fact that this mission will be ending in three solar days, I have come to the conclusion that to wait for you to approach either of us is no longer a viable option. Therefore, I am allowing you this opportunity to voice any such desires.”

Jim felt himself flush. He hadn’t kept his feelings to himself at all. Spock was kneeling in front of him, openly stating all that he had fought to hide. He pried his eyes away from Spock and looked quickly toward Bones. The doctor had taken a position of being stretched out on his side, propped up on one elbow, grinning, and thoroughly enjoying the scene being played out in front of him. “C'mon Spock,” Leonard said with the deep-southern inflection that seemed to be so natural to him when he was off-duty and relaxed, “don’t make it sound so much like roses and candlelight! How the hell do ya expect a guy to refuse a romantic offer like that?”

Jim would have laughed if this weren’t so damned embarrassing. He looked back at the man in front of him. “Spock,” Jim hesitated, shaking his head slightly in disbelief of what he was hearing. “I’ll admit that I’ve have had…feelings…thoughts…about you, both of you. I think that's only natural because of the time we've been together these last years. But, I’m still the captain of this ship. Anything other than friendship would be completely inappropriate.” He knew he was crawling behind the stripes on his sleeve, but he hoped that would stop this right here. It didn’t.

Bones piped up with, “That’s not an answer, Jim.”

Jim flashed him a quick disapproving look. He didn’t need Bones picking apart his objections to this discussion. Spock raised his eyebrow and Jim knew that he, too, was not going to be satisfied by this. “Look,” Jim continued, “if you are asking who I would choose, that’s not a fair question. But since it’s a moot point, let’s drop it, okay?”

“Jim, you misunderstand. I am not asking you to choose between us.” Spock’s voice became deep and soft and seemed to caress Jim as if warm honey was being poured over him. Spock moved his hands from their resting position and placed them on Jim’s knees. The heat from those hands shot sparks of desire racing throughout Kirk’s body. “We have seen you in the throws of delirium, fever, sorrow, anger, joy, passion and every other conceivable condition during these five years. I am asking that you stop hiding your desire,” he paused, and with the slightest effort he spread the clutched knees apart and glanced down at the bulge, then looked back into Jim’s eyes, “from us.”

At that, Spock removed his hand from one knee and, using only the back of his fingertips, he brushed lightly against the now fully engorged bulge. “Do you not understand that these feelings are common to us all? Do you not know that you, too, are most desired?”

Jim gasped with surprise at the brief contact. His resistance was dissolving. His mind was spinning out of control. He looked down and shook his head in an effort to clear his thoughts. He looked back up and said, “You mean the three of us? Together? You want this?” He looked into Spock’s eyes and then over at McCoy. The blue eyes had turned to a dark azure and the skin was becoming flushed. Raking his eyes down the body of the doctor, he couldn’t help but notice the engorged organ straining tightly inside the uniform trousers. Bones did nothing to try to conceal his aroused state from Jim. If anything, he pushed his groin forward slightly to call attention to his erection. Jim pried his gaze away from the erotic sight and brought them back to the blue eyes that were aflame with lust.

“I’ve wanted this for years,” McCoy purred, accompanied by a grin that could have melted the bulkhead.

“Jim,” Spock whispered in a voice now deep with passion, “I would never have allowed physical contact, never allowed this connection between us to form, if I had any other desire but to have you both as my lovers.” He spread Jim’s knees further apart and moved between them. “The choice is now yours. Do you choose to accept this?”

Jim was not exactly a stranger to sex, having had some experience with both sexes, and even a few other species. But to have that which he had desired for so long become a reality, with both of them, was beyond any fantasy that had ever played itself out in the darkness of his cabin. His answer came in a breathy rush, rough with years of denied passion. “The three of us lovers? Yes, oh…definitely, yes.”

Chapter 6

Spock lowered his head to brush Jim’s lips with his own. It was just a touch of their lips together and they broke apart briefly. Several more times the lips were rubbed against his before there was slight movement of the mouth from either of them. It felt as if there was an electrical current passing between them that had to be neutralized before true contact could take place. Jim placed his arms around Spock’s neck and responded to the gentle movements against his mouth by lightly grabbing Spock’s bottom lip with his own and sucking gently.

The hot mouth covered his, chests heaved for needed air before breaking apart again. Pulling his lips away from Spock and sucking needed oxygen into his lungs, he released one of his arms from around Spock’s neck and looked at Bones who had come to his knees beside them. He reached over and drew Bones into the embrace. Now, with more certainty, he forcefully claimed the doctor’s mouth with his own. The response was immediate and powerful. Jim felt as if something inside of him broke loose. A warmth he had never before felt consumed him as he gave over all that he was to these men. For the briefest moment, the feeling scared the hell out of him.

Pulling away, he shivered with the awakening of this feeling. “Are you sure about this? If we do this, then I don’t think I can ever go back,” he panted.

With eyes dilated with desire, Leonard leaned in and kissed Jim and said, “Very sure.” Bones then turned to Spock and whispered, “Spock…”

Spock placed a hand on the side of Bones’ face and slid it to the back of his neck. Gently, they leaned toward each other. “Yes…” Spock hissed as they came together.

The feeling of embracing both of these men and seeing them passionately kiss nearly undid Jim. He felt as if the room was spinning around them, as if they had been transported into a dimension of their own. He lowered his arm from Bones’ back and slowly, hesitantly, moved his hand lower until he felt where the tight, firm ass began. A soft moan from deep in the doctor’s throat encouraged him to proceed further until he was caressing the round mounds.

Bones broke free from Spock’s mouth and sucked in a sharp intake of air when Jim’s fingers traced the crease separating the solid globes. McCoy swayed against his arm as he increased his massage. He reached up and pulled the doctor’s shirt free from the waistband and eased his hand down the back of the trousers. Feeling the pants become suddenly loose, Jim realized Bones had released the catch to allow him easier access. Glancing down, he saw the fly open and the large bulge of the erect cock billowing out of the opening, covered only by the flesh-colored briefs that were straining to contain it. Bones leaned back on his heels and spread his legs apart to give Jim full access. Jim felt Spock’s lips against the side of his cheek and turned to meet the soft lips with his own.

Jim felt Spock’s hands trail down his body until the warm fingers reached the area they had only grazed moments before. This time it was not a timid caress. Heated, searching fingers traced the outline of his engorged cock and began to stroke it. Jim knew himself well enough to know there was already wetness seeping through the fabric. Becoming more brazen, he began to explore within Bones’ cleft and lightly run his finger across the puckered opening, an action that evoked a hiss from the man beside him. He pulled away from the kiss and looked down to see Bones rubbing the area where Spock’s thigh met his scrotum. It seemed as if Bones was apprehensive about actually touching Spock intimately. Freeing his grip on Spock’s neck, he covered Bones’ hand and moved it to the impressive bulge. Together, hand in hand, fingers entwined, they began running their fingers along the long, thick outline of the Vulcan’s erection.

Jim released his grip from McCoy’s hand, and his attention to the doctor’s backside, only long enough for Spock to pull his gold shirt up and over his head. The shirt was tossed aside. Spock ran his hands over his smooth chest and teased each sensitive nipple, causing a most delicious tingle to run from Jim’s breast to his groin. Spock then pulled his own shirt off and tossed it aside.

All three of them had seen each other in various stages of nudity in the past, but the sight of Spock, flushed with passion, nipples tight, eyes dark, lips wet and slightly swollen, caused the two humans to ignite. Leonard rubbed his free hand across the furred chest and allowed his thumb to tease the tight nub. Jim leaned his head down to the chest and began teasing the other erect nipple with his tongue, then gently bit it. Spock arched back and emitted a moan of erotic passion. Jim felt the spontaneous movement of the organ beneath the uniform trousers that still covered Spock’s crotch.

Jim’s hand moved to Bones’ erection and he repeatedly ran the tips of his fingers up and down the thick cock that was covered by only the thin material of his briefs. He felt Bones lean against him and the doctor’s lips come close to his ear. “Jim, if you don’t stop that, I’m gonna to cum,” McCoy groaned in a whisper that made Jim ache to relive this man’s need.

Turning his full attention to his azure-eyed friend, he pulled McCoy’s shirt off and tossed it into the growing pile of discarded clothing. Jim released the erection from the undergarment and marveled at the sight of the doctor’s thick organ as it sprung free from the confines of the material. Spock assisted as Jim pushed the trousers and briefs down until they were puddled around Leonard’s knees.

Wrapping Leonard in his arms, he gently maneuvered them to where they were laying down on the mat as Spock pulled the remainder of the doctor’s clothes off. Jim stretched out beside him and leaned down to kiss him. Their tongues explored each other’s, tasting and discovering the flavors that they had wanted for so long. Jim felt Spock’s arms encircle his waist and release the catch on his trousers. Jim raised his hips to allow Spock to pull his trousers down and over his feet.

He was now wearing only a black thong undergarment. As he ground his cock, covered only with the slick material, against Bones’ erection, he felt Spock’s hand slip underneath the small band and trace the narrow strap that led from the waist, nestled snugly into his crevice and flared into the pouch that held his scrotum and cock. The warm knuckle brushed against his opening and he thrust against Bones with the sensation. The warm hands again slid between them, and a warm tongue traced a pattern along his shoulder as Spock freed his organ from the pouch, making sure to stroke the length of it as he pulled the material down. With little effort, Spock pulled the thong the rest of the way off. Now, the two humans were completely naked and Jim nestled between the doctor’s slightly parted thighs and began to rhythmically thrust his cock against his lover’s.

Bones breaths became quicker and more labored. “Please, I can’t stop. I’m gonna cum,” Leonard gasped.

“Yesss…I know,” he purred back. “It’s okay, I’m here,” Jim soothed when he realized how hard Bones was straining to keep his body from tipping over the edge. With that, he felt Bones settle down underneath him. Jim worked his way down the lightly furred chest, using his tongue to stimulate the nipples and trace a path across the hard smooth abdomen to the fur circling the hard shaft. He touched the end of his tongue to the spongy tip of the cock. Bones jumped at the contact. Jim tasted the salty flavor of the precum that had formed at the slit. His lips encircled the head as he gently explored the organ to locate the most sensitive spots.

Glancing up, Jim saw that Spock had stretched out beside Bones and was kissing and sucking on his lips, ears and neck. Jim turned his attention back to the doctor’s groin and massaged the heavy pouch with one hand and captured the base of the cock with his other. Then, in one swift motion, he pulled the length of the organ into his mouth, causing Leonard to emit a deep, guttural moan. Wanting to prolong the pleasure as long as possible, Jim applied light pressure around the base as he continued to slowly move his mouth up and down the organ. With the hand that had been stimulating Leonard’s testicles, he began to venture further back. McCoy raised and spread his knees. Jim’s finger found the most private opening.

Leonard tensed and pulled away at the feeling of being touched here, but quickly relaxed and allowed Jim access. He slowly eased one saliva slickened finger through the very tight ring and heard a gasp as his finger fully penetrated the chamber. He found the gland right behind the penis and when he brushed across it, McCoy moaned and began to writhe beneath him. “Oh…God…Jim!” Bones gasped. With that, he felt McCoy’s body become stiff and the gland began to throb. Taking the full length of the cock into his mouth, he sucked on the hot shaft and teased the hard spot his finger had located only a moment before. McCoy cried out and, in pulsating waves, came in Jim’s mouth. Tasting the sweet-saltiness of the fluid, Jim used his talents to draw the last of the wonderful nectar from the organ. He pulled his finger from the opening and felt Bones’ body convulse with pleasure. He let the cock slide from his mouth.

Spock reached for Kirk and maneuvered himself so he was lying between them. Jim turned his attention to Spock. The Vulcan was the only one who remained semi-clothed, but Jim made quick work of that. He released the catch and, sitting up, he pulled the trousers off, turning them inside out in the urgency of the movement. He then grabbed the waistband of the cream-colored, form-fitting undergarment and worked it over the head of Spock’s erection. Pulling it down over the long, muscular legs, he was finally able to complete the pile of clothes that was lying off to the side.

Seeing Spock naked in the past, he knew the tip of the Vulcan’s cock was somewhat different from a humans, but he was not prepared for the beauty of the long, hard, double-ridged specimen displayed before him. Jim placed his hand over the cap, spreading the leaking, viscous fluid around the head and ridges. Spock’s hips thrust upwards toward him as he moved his hand down to the base of the magnificent organ. Strong hands on his arms pulled him up. Spock’s body covered him and the mouth captured his. Jim felt the warm tongue force his lips apart and dip urgently inside.

Spock pulled away and his lips found his ear. “I taste the essence of Leonard in your mouth. His seed is fresh on your tongue. It makes me burn,” Spock hissed with the intensity of cool rain on molten rock.

The sensation of the warm breath against his ear made Jim shiver with desire. He reached around Spock, grabbed the hard, round mounds of his ass and ground their erections together. “Jesus...Spock,” Jim whispered as he kissed and sucked on the Vulcan’s neck, “I have fantasized about this. Now you’re here and I want to feel you...” he gasped, not knowing if he could voice that which he had only dreamed of. Spock pulled back and Jim was looking into those dark eyes. He steeled his courage and whispered, “I want you to fuck me. I want to feel you inside of me.”

“Fuck you?” Spock breathed. Jim had no doubt that this was the first time that word had come from those lips. “Yes, Jim, it is my intention to fuck you,” Spock rasped with a forcefulness and passion Jim did not believe was possible. “We will need a lubricant. I have something in my sleeping quarters. Wait while I retrieve it?”

“Yes, but hurry!”

Spock released him, stood up, swayed slightly and walked behind the partition that separated the bed from the rest of the room. There was the sound of a drawer being palmed open. He reappeared and Jim watched that beautiful, aroused, sensuous man walking toward him. The sight brought him to his knees. As Spock reached the place where he was kneeling, Jim put his hands on the heated thighs and pulled him close. He ran his tongue along the hot shaft, and explored the ridges, discovering that the area just under the second ridge was extremely sensitive. He tongued the soft cap and savored the sweet fluid offered to him. Had it not been for his body’s urgent need to be filled, he would have continued until Spock was forced to cum. But there was something more they both wanted, needed, before this night was through.

Spock eased his cock out of Jim’s mouth and knelt down, squeezing some of the gel into his hand. Reaching down, he began to prepare himself. Jim couldn’t help but watch as Spock smoothed the gel over the head and shaft of his gorgeous cock. Those same delicate fingers that commanded the controls of the science station, that gently lifted and placed the chess pieces, that had meticulously prepared the tea, were now stroking the length of that beautiful, aroused cock. Seeing Spock touch himself caused another shiver of passion to race through Jim’s body. Spock squeezed another glob of the gel onto his fingers and tossed the tube aside. With his free hand he pulled Jim close. The hot lips covered his and a hot tongue pried his lips apart and thoroughly explored every inch of his mouth. Pulling away, Spock whispered deep and throaty into Jim’s ear, “You seem to have the essence of both of your lovers on your lips.”

“Yesss...” Jim purred in response. He felt the hands separating him and hot, slick fingers spread the gel around his private entrance. It took his breath away to think that it was Spock who was touching him in this way. It had been a while since his last male encounter, and he felt himself clench as the first slender finger breached the ring of muscle. He willed himself to relax until the finger was fully penetrating him with little effort, then another finger entered him. Together, they stretched the entrance and allowed the lubricant to work deep into his body. Jim was lifted to a level of arousal that he didn’t know could exist without release.

Tracing first the magnificent ear, then the neck with his tongue, he saw McCoy behind Spock. He was sitting on his bent knees watching the events taking place before him. His thighs were spread and he was openly massaging his own newly awakened cock. It aroused Jim even more to see Bones being turned on by the passionate show which he and Spock were putting on for him. Jim realized that this man who had been his friend and confidant, was going to pleasure himself as Spock fucked him, and he discovered that the idea was exciting. He had never considered himself an exhibitionist, however this was not like any other experience he had ever had. He was ready, his body was opened up and he needed to feel that heat inside of him. He raised his face to the man holding him. “Now, Spock…!”

With a deep purr, hoarse with passion, and a smile that took Jim’s breath away, the answer came. “Lay down. I wish to see your face when I enter you.”

It was not a request, but a command, and he could do nothing but obey. Jim remembered that, at that moment, he would have done anything either of these men asked him to do. He was under their power. Any will of his own was gone. He lay back on the floor and in bending his knees, presented himself to Spock. Hot hands grasped the back of his thighs and tilted him slightly backwards. He felt the hardness center to him and the cockhead breach his opening. He readied himself for the invasion as he willed his muscles to relax.

“Yes, Spock!” Jim gasped, “fuck me!” And with that, the searing pain and pleasure erupted within him as Spock impaled him on the full length of his cock. The entry was much quicker than Jim was prepared for, and he remembered drawing a series of deep, gulping breaths to steady himself against the invasion, but the strong hands held him in place.

He heard a whisper, spoken with a softness that was nearly unrecognizable that said, “Easy does it, Spock. Give him time to adjust.”

Thankfully, Spock remained still until the muscles deep within had surrendered. Slowly, there was movement and the ridges stroked his prostate as they withdrew. The sensation had sent shock waves of pleasure throughout Jim’s gut. When Spock had withdrawn to the crown, and was beginning to enter him again, Jim pushed back against the force, meeting the thrust with his hips, this time ready to feel the full length of his lover inside of him. Once more the organ was withdrawn and reinserted with even more determination. Jim began to feel the heat of desire that boiled within his abdomen move to his groin with each thrust. Orgasm was just moments away, and he had no control over his body. This man had all of the power. He could keep him from ejaculating, or make him cum at will. A hand captured his erection and began stroking it in the same rhythm of the thrusts inside of him. The decision had been made. There was one powerful thrust deep within him and he felt the pulsating organ as it began to fill him.

Jim had thrown his head back and groaned as his own orgasm rushed to completion. Semen filled him as his own fluid spurted from him in powerful swells, coating his abdomen and splashing against Spock’s belly. They rode wave after wave of seemingly endless pleasure until all was expelled and exhaustion claimed them. Spock collapsed on him, burying hot lips in the tender nape of his neck and hot breath beat against him as Spock pulled needed oxygen into his body.

Jim turned his head toward McCoy. The doctor’s hand was slick and his cock wet with the orgasm that had been brought on by the display. Jim reached out a hand and Bones stretched out beside them, resting his head on Jim’s outstretched arm. Spock pulled free of him and the three of them collapsed in a tangle of arms and legs.

Chapter 7

Jim was jerked back to the reality that he was not on the Enterprise, but in his own apartment. A wet feeling in his hand caused him to look down. Blood was pouring down his palm and dripping from his fingers. Having clutched the porcelain cup, it had shattered in his hand, cutting him deeply, but he had not felt it. He dropped the pieces of the cup and slapped the tea-soaked cloth to the injury. Staggering into the bathroom, he turned on the water and threw the soiled towel into the recycler. He thrust his hand under the faucet. The sink became splattered with bright red specks as his hand was held under the spray. He could see there were two deep lacerations and a few more minor cuts. He knew the water should have burned as it poured into the cuts, but he felt nothing, at least not in his hand.

After a minute or so, he removed his hand from the flow of the water, placed a clean towel over the injured palm and applied pressure. The bleeding was brought under control. He convinced himself that he would be fine and didn’t need the prying eyes of a medic to attend to it. He got another cloth and soaked it in cold water and wiped his face. He couldn’t stop shaking, but knew it was the memories that had him unnerved, not the injury. Hell, he’d had wounds that were much worse than this over the years. He decided that maybe a shower would be the answer.

Turning on the water he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Did he really look that old? His skin was pallid and he no longer had the muscular build he once had. Even though he still worked out several times a week, he knew that years of being a desk jockey was taking its toll. His hair used to be shiny and gold, now it was dull. Addressing himself in the mirror, he seethed, “Kirk, you’re a fucking idiot! Look at you! No one would be interested in you this way. It’s only your status, and exploits of days long past that keeps 'em coming back for more! Starfleet knows it. It’s time for you to accept it. Fuck it! If you get right down to it, no one was ever all that interested, at least not enough to stick around!”

He climbed into the shower. The hot water beat against his skin. ‘But, oh God…that night!’ he thought. All the fucking in the world could never match what he had let himself feel that one night. Now that these memories had surfaced, they had a life of their own and would not be suppressed again. It was as if he could, after more than two years, still feel Spock’s heat and hardness inside of him. He could remember the taste of Bones and see him sitting on the mat, stroking his own cock as Spock made love to him.

The hot water pounded against him. He placed his injured hand against the shower wall, and gripped his cock with the other. He let the memories of that evening flood him once more as he pumped his organ. The relief he had not been able to give himself came. He spewed his semen onto the floor of the shower. When he was finished he put his face against the cool tile. His body shook from the sobs that been suppressed these years. “Why?” he moaned into the wall, “why would you do this?”

After a while, he began to recover from the events of the evening. He turned the water temperature to just cold. With the shock of the icy water, he managed to regain his composure, pull himself back from the breakdown and begin the process of pushing the emotions of the last hour back to that dark part of himself that he refused to acknowledge. He admonished himself for letting the memory of those men rip his control from him. That had been much too long ago to still allow it to affect him in this manner. But, he told himself, he had faced up to those memories and dealt with them, so he could now move on. The only remnant of his breakdown was the red streams of blood that stained the wall. With the sprayer, he washed away the last of his outburst.

He wrapped himself in a robe, bandaged the still bleeding hand, cleaned the spot on the rug and tossed the remnants of the antique, porcelain cup into the recycler. He then proceeded to the comm unit to go over the crew assignments. With hands that were still unsteady, he called up the unfinished report.

He had completed all of the assignments for the Enterprise, but he wanted to be ready with recommendations for the vacant positions that the transfers had left at other stations. After an hour or so, he had managed to lose himself completely in the puzzle of reassignments and it took him a moment to realize the unit was signaling him. He had placed it on auto, so nothing except a call from Starfleet, level 4 or above, would ring through. He pushed ‘receive,’ saw it was coming in at level 1, and his gut tightened. It meant there was either an all out war in this sector or a disaster of the greatest magnitude. He keyed the signal and, with a retinal scan, his identity was verified. Admiral Nogura appeared on the screen, “Admiral Kirk, we have a problem...”

The next afternoon he emerged from the administration building and headed for the transport station. He was reporting to the Enterprise as her captain. Kirk had experience dealing with the unknown and he refused Admiral Komack’s insistence that he either control the mission from here, or go aboard the Enterprise as Decker’s assistant. He knew from experience that he needed to have the bridge officers reporting directly to him. Without the ability to use his instincts and have his orders carried out quickly, his hands would be tied. And as Decker’s advisor, his orders could be questioned and his decisions overridden. He was not willing to take a chance like that. In the short meeting, he made it clear to both Komack and Nogura that he would refuse the assignment, even to the point of resigning, unless he was put in charge. With that entity bearing down on Earth it seemed a wise move to grant James Kirk his request.

“Gave her back, sir?” Scotty said in the transport shuttle. “I doubt that!”

“You’re rrrr-ight!” Jim said, attempting his best impression of a Scottish accent. He looked at the man powering the shuttle and flashed him that famous “ Kirk” smile.

Scotty gave a report of the all of the systems that were not working properly. It may have been a shorter list if he had just told Kirk the systems that were operating as they should. It was obvious that Scotty was keeping the most advantageous view of the Enterprise out of sight until the last possible moment. When the shuttle emerged from behind the scaffolding of the dock site, Jim saw her; bathed in light against the blackness of space. In all of his travels he had never seen a star so bright. He was coming home.

Chapter 8

McCoy had been working for the two years on the archeological dig in the region of The New Consolidated Middle Alliance. This area was formally known as the Middle East prior to the last nuclear/eugenics event. The countries had been at war with each other for centuries, but in the last one hundred and seventy-five years since the alliance, this area had been a source of amazing scientific discoveries.

The historical digs had unearthed unbelievable scientific information regarding the origins of humans on this planet. McCoy was deeply involved with the nearly impossible DNA analysis of not only the ancient human remains, but of plant and animal life never before believed to inhabit this region of the solar system. For the first time in two years, he had begun to believe his life could have meaning again. The contribution he was making was such that it would change the way the inhabitants of Terra came see their place in the history of the universe.

His research was destined to put the name ‘Leonard McCoy’ next to the greatest scientists of all time, but this had not even occurred to him. Leonard knew only that he had once again found a spark for life. The numbness that had become the norm was abating. That was all he cared about. Then the call came.

“Dr. McCoy, Admiral Fitzpatrick here. Due to an incident of an extreme nature, we are acting upon our capacity to reinstate your Starfleet status to active. You are being notified that you are required to report to Starfleet Headquarters within, and no later than, twenty-four hours from this notification. You will be fully briefed upon your arrival...”

“Now wait just a DAMN minute!” Leonard interrupted. “I resigned my position from Starfleet over two years ago...”

“Dr. McCoy, you have no choice in this matter. Twenty-four hours. Out.”

“SHIT!” Leonard shouted, as he hit the ‘open channel’ button on the comm unit and requested to be put through to Starfleet Headquarters.

“I’m sorry, there are no open lines at this time,” the contraption chimed.

He drew a deep breath. He would’ve rather talk to Beelzebub himself, but… “Then put me directly through to Admiral James T. Kirk. Tell him it’s Leonard McCoy calling.”

Jim held his breath when he saw who was contacting him. Could he really go through with this? Yes, he had to. But, when the comm connection flared open, there was a noticeable intake of air from each of them.

“Bones! How’s it going?” Jim asked as normally as he could manage. He could tell his voice was a little unstable, he just hoped it didn’t come through to the man on the other side. He noticed the full beard that McCoy was now sporting, and thought to himself, ‘He’s going to hate to give that up!’ Jim softly chuckled.

“Not so DAMN well, ADMIRAL! What do you know about this crap?”

“Bones, I only know that we have a situation, a serious one, and a lot of personal are being called in. I have a meeting with Admiral’s Nogura and Komack shortly, but I can’t do anything about this decision, Leonard.”

Leonard looked at the man on the screen and wanted to call him a lying son-of-a-bitch. There was only one thing that stopped him. It was the way Jim looked; certainly a lot older. No, it was more than that. He looked empty. There was no light in those eyes. He lamented over the memory of those eyes that used to shine with a brilliance that put the stars to shame.

How much pain and hurt had it taken to extinguish that kind of radiance? Looking at Kirk’s face, he suddenly had the urge to go to him, wrap his arms around him and heal the hurt. But, more than two years before, it had been made very clear that that was not an option. Then again, hadn’t he, himself, been through these same years trying to keep the past from haunting him? He tried to swallow the lump in his throat as inconspicuously as possible and was just able to mutter, “I can’t believe this!”

“Bones, I swear, you’ll be briefed as soon as you get here,” Jim stated.

For just a moment, Leonard saw a hint of a smile appear on Jim’s face but, just as quickly, it was gone.

“I have a meeting to go to. I'm sorry I have to cut this short, but all will be explained when you arrive.”

“Fine. You’ve been a big help, Admiral!” McCoy emphasized the rank far beyond what was necessary. “McCoy out,” he stated.

The screen went blank and Jim continued to stare at it. ‘I sure hope you know what you’re doing,’ Jim thought to himself. In the meeting he had been called to the evening before, Jim had suggested recalling Leonard McCoy for this mission, sighting his experience with the unknown as well as his familiarity with Starfleet procedure.

Komack countered that Christine Chapel had been awarded her M.D. and had recently been checked out on the SRMA, the Ship-Readiness Medical Analysis. To this, Kirk pointed out that although he was certain that Christine was an exceptional physician, it was only because she had been under the guidance of Leonard McCoy for five years before her final rounds of internship had been served. Komack had no response and Admiral Nogura ordered Leonard McCoy’s status reactivated, effective immediately.

With the anger he had seen flashing in those too familiar eyes, he had no delusions about Leonard showing up and their relationship returning to the way it was before that night. No, there had been too many harsh words spoken between them for that to happen. But Jim was well aware that what they were facing was as serious as anything they had ever encountered. And the fact was, there was only one man for the job. He needed a CMO he could rely on for the impossible, and Leonard McCoy was the only man in the galaxy to fit that bill.

But, after the events of the previous evening, the memories were still boiling just below the surface. A wound was now opened and would not close again without bleeding. And he was not thinking of the cuts on his hand, but the gash in his heart.

Chapter 9

They had all fallen asleep on the floor that night. It was not long before Jim had become aware of Spock’s shivering. Jim knew the Vulcan’s quarters were not as warm as he was used to, and being curled against two human lovers with lower body temperatures than his certainly didn’t help. Jim freed himself from the tangle of arms and legs, went to the sleeping quarters and removed the pillows and blankets from the bed. It looked as if they were going to “camp out” on the floor, so they might as well be comfortable.

He raised Bones’ head and slid a pillow underneath and covered him with one of the blankets. He was sound asleep and never took notice except that he pulled the cover up and rolled onto his side. Sitting down, he gave Spock the larger of the two pillows and spread the remaining blanket over them. He lay down and put his head on the pillow next to Spock’s. He tucked the cover around them, making sure Spock was going to stay warm. Spock wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, opening his eyes. For a time they just lay there and watched each other, and shared the occasional kiss. Jim remembered thinking to himself that being here like this was perfection in its highest form.

But before long, other thoughts began to invade Jim’s thoughts. He began to think of Spock getting the lubricant from the cabinet beside his bed. Did Spock have lovers that Jim was unaware of? Even after what they had shared that evening, it felt strange asking his lover, “Spock, there’s not too many reasons to keep lubricant in a bedside cabinet. Mind if I ask why you do?”

Spock lowered his eyes and replied, almost embarrassed, “Usually, I am able to overcome my body’s urges for physical stimulation through meditation. However, on the infrequent occasions that I must have physical release, I find it is quite helpful.”

“You masturbate?” Jim stated, surprised. The thought had never occurred to him. He looked into the dark eyes and hoped his question had not made this man feel uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Spock. I just never considered that you had such needs that you weren’t able to deal with...logically. It’s certainly nothing unusual. Hell, we all do it from time to time!” He watched Spock’s expression relax, and Jim rested his head against the warm shoulder. The aroma radiating from the warm, satiated Vulcan was intoxicating. He loved this man so damned much. He snuggled closer to Spock. He was determined that no matter what the Starfleet brass would try, and he knew they were up to something, the three of them were going to stay together.

Then another thought came to mind. “Spock, how did you know that McCoy would be a willing participant in this?”

After a moment, Spock replied, “I discussed this possibility with him last evening”

“What?” Jim asked. It felt as if a flash of ice water washed through his veins.

“Through our many physical contacts, I had perceived an interest in such an encounter. I discussed with him the possibility of including you in a physical relationship. He was agreeable to the suggestion.”

Suddenly Jim felt like an explosion had just taken place inside his skull! “Wait a minute, Spock! Do you mean that this evening was a set up? The two of you planned this? The possibility of ‘including’ me! What a fool I am!” Jim sat up throwing off the blanket.

“Wha....what’s up,” McCoy asked, roused from his sleep by the increasing volume of Jim’s voice.

“And YOU were in on it!” Jim seethed at McCoy. “Friends don’t set each other up for an ambush, Doctor!” Jim was scrounging through the pile of discarded clothes trying to sort out his clothes from the remainder in the stack. Pulling on his pants and finding the rest of the items that belonged to him, he felt as if the floor had just been pulled out from under him. “Of all of the people that I would have NEVER believed would betray me, it would have been the two of you! What was I, some trophy in your game? Well, FUCK YOU BOTH!”

“JIM! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?” McCoy shouted as he jumped to his feet.

Jim grabbed up his boots, flung himself through the passage that connected his and Spock’s quarters and activated the lock. Once secured inside his cabin, he threw the items he was clutching against the wall and leaned back against the door. He had started shaking and could not stop. He slid down the door until he was sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped tightly around his knees. ‘How...How could they do this? Okay, Jim, just get a hold of yourself! What exactly just happened? You just let your first officer fuck you...that’s what! And Bones...oh God! How long have they been lovers?’ He didn’t want to think about that. ‘What was this, some kind of a bet?’ He knew Leonard McCoy’s propensity toward the occasional wager. ‘Maybe they’re no longer enough for each other. Looking for something a little more exciting, maybe?’ He sat there trying to sort out what it was he was feeling.

He had been wanting, fantasizing, about being with them. Then he realized what was so difficult with this. They had ripped any control he had away from him. He would have been willing to do anything! Anything they wanted, he was theirs to command. ‘Oh God! Why did it have to feel so good? I’ve never lost control, not like this!’

But as the words echoed in his brain, he knew that was untrue. Once before he had given up all control to another. And, every day since, he had vowed to never give anyone that kind of power over him. It was a lesson he had obviously forgotten.

Sitting there he could feel Spock’s fluid wanting to escape from him. He went to the bathroom, eager to rid himself of the contents he had so willingly received just a short time before. He climbed into the shower, dialed up spray of hot water and scrubbed his skin until he thought he would bleed. He could wash off the smell of the two of them, but would he ever be able to wash off the feeling of their betrayal or, worse yet, the betrayal to himself by letting it happen again?

The days afterwards were filled with checklists and communications with Starfleet. Jim was a robot. He handled every situation with total efficiency and only went to his cabin to shower and change his uniform. He had, again, tried to get the information regarding his assignment from Starfleet, but to no avail. He felt as if his life was in a downward spiraling flat-spin, and he could do nothing to stop it.

Spock had been noticeably absent from the bridge as he spent the last days of the mission in the science lab ensuring that everything was in order. Under Spock’s jurisdiction, the lab was always in order. The task was redundant.

McCoy stayed in sickbay and what little communication that had to go on between the three was short and to the point. McCoy tried to talk to Jim when he asked for the final Medical Services report. That voice had almost weakened his resolve as the plea came through loud and clear, but Jim managed to keep it to a simple, “There is no explanation needed, Doctor McCoy.” With that, he pressed the button that ended the comm link with enough power to shatter the faceplate on the unit in his cabin, adding just one more thing to the list of needed repairs.

Chapter 10

After the ship was securely docked, he was ordered to Starfleet Headquarters. Once there, the pressure to accept the newly vacated slot as Chief of Starfleet Operations was intense. Kirk was holding out for another turn in the center seat of a starship. Any starship. However he was advised that he could not be reassigned at this time. If he refused the position, he would be assigned to Starfleet Academy to await another assignment. Jim was well aware of what that meant; he would be buried at the academy. But if he accepted the Chief’s position, he would be promoted to a Grade I Admiral and, just maybe, there would be a possibility of getting back on a ship someday.

He was well aware of the fact that this would put Komack directly over him. Komack was a Grade III Admiral and Jim’s department would fall directly under his command. It was one thing to have this man as your superior from ten light-years away, but quite another to have him down the hall. Watching the thin-lipped admiral, with Nogura seated at his side, he thought, ‘How have I lost all that I am so quickly? I gave into Spock and McCoy and now, just four days later, I am being forced into giving into the wishes of these men.’

Somewhere amidst the chaos of his thoughts was a thread that kept weaving its way through his mind. Accepting this position would be a way of distancing himself from the recent event in Spock’s cabin. The Admiralty would place a natural barrier between them, as well as squelch the infamous Starfleet rumor mill when he was not given another command. No one would ever believe he had been coerced into one of the top spots in the ‘Fleet. Hell, even Spock and McCoy would have to believe he had freely chosen this path. That gave him some amount of satisfaction, maybe the only satisfaction he would gain out of this mess. With a sigh he looked back at the senior men in front of him and nodded. “Very well. I see my options are limited, therefore I’ll accept the promotion and the assignment as Chief of Starfleet Operations.”

Within minutes, all arrangements were made. Jim realized the arrangements had been made for weeks. Not for one second had they doubted their control over him. The official announcement was to come at the reception for the crew of the Enterprise. He was assigned a suite of offices and was advised he could begin moving into them at his convenience. Jim nodded his understanding, and his defeat, before he left the office.

Boarding the lift to exit the building, he was grateful for the few moments of solitude. He knew that only a handful of officers were ever presented an opportunity like the one he had been given. And in what should have been one of the happiest days in his life, to Jim it was one of the most depressing. He felt like he had just been offered up on a platter as the main course. But, he decided on the ride down, what was done was done. The life he had led up to this point was over and he had better learn to make the best of it. He began to think of all there was to do before he reported to his newly awarded post. Just as he was beginning to feel somewhat reconciled to the situation, the doors of the lift opened and there stood Spock.

“Spock,” he acknowledged in a strained voice. All of the crew had been reporting for debriefing; it was just his luck to run into his former first officer as he was reporting for his session.

They stood there looking at each other for one breathless moment. “Captain,” the Vulcan finally replied.

The doors started to close when Jim reached to stop them and got out. He walked quickly past the waiting man, but was stopped when he heard, “Captain Kirk, might I request a few minutes of your time?” Spock asked.

That voice still had a way of unnerving him. He turned and replied, “I’m in a hurry.” Jim was not in any mood to have a confrontation over the events in Spock’s cabin, and he certainly didn’t care to discuss the events of this day. But, looking into the dark eyes that had been beside him these last years, he knew he could not just walk away from this man. There had to be a way to repair the damage. There had been too much between them to let it end this way. “But, yes,” his tone tempered, “I have a few minutes. How about out on the commons?”

“That will be acceptable,” Spock stated, his hands clasped behind him as he followed Kirk through the mezzanine and out into the spacious area.

The commons, which was surrounded on three sides by the buildings that comprised Starfleet Command Headquarters, had benches and paths surrounded by various foliage indicative of the different regions of Earth. Here you could find a cactus garden growing adjacent to an area that consisted of magnolia trees and azaleas. Normally a beautiful, serene area that Jim enjoyed walking through, but now was not the time to concentrate on the aesthetics. “Here?” Jim motioned to one of the stone benches.

Spock nodded and sat down very rigidly on the edge of the bench. Jim sat down on the other end facing him. “Captain,” Spock began, “I must address the incident that arose four nights ago. I realize that it was an unforgivable flaw in judgment to approach you. I ask forgiveness for my conduct.”

‘Is that the way he saw it? He ripped away my control and he refers to it as a ‘flaw in judgment’?’ He looked at Spock and drew a long breath, trying to clear the anger that was welling up inside of him. After a long moment of silence, he asked, “Spock, why did the two of you place me in that situation?” Even though he tried to suppress it, the anger was obvious in his tone.

“Captain, I claim sole responsibility for the event. It was I who suggested to the doctor that we engage in such a scenario. I mistakenly assumed that I was capable of incorporating passions into my nature and, in doing so, I allowed my emotions to overrule my reason. It was a grave error on my part and one which I found to be most unfulfilling. I have taken steps to prevent any such reoccurrence.”

‘Just great! He found me unfulfilling, as well!’ His anger was no longer disguised as he spat, “So sorry to disappoint you! You say you have taken steps. What steps have you taken?”

“I have made arrangements to return to Vulcan. I will be resigning my commission immediately following the debriefing.”

Staring at Spock, he asked in disbelief, “Resigning your commission? Have you thought this through? Hell…if you think you have to leave the service on my account, you’re seriously mistaken. I don’t give a damn what you do!”

“Nevertheless, my allegiance to Starfleet has come to an end. I believe my answers lie on Vulcan.”

“Fine, Spock, we all must make our own decisions! By the way, ‘Captain’ is no longer applicable. I am now ‘Admiral’ Kirk, Chief of Starfleet Operations. I suppose congratulations are in order all the way around. Both of us have found our answers.” Jim slung the words at Spock as he stood up.

Spock looked at Jim and rose from the bench. There was a flicker of something in Spock’s eyes. What was it, pain, disgust, hatred, sorrow, whatever it was, the Vulcan veneer quickly replaced it.

“I will take my leave of you, Admiral.”

“Whatever, Spock. Good-bye.” He didn’t wait for an answer. He left the commons as quickly as possible and headed off to find a suitable apartment. It was the last time he saw Spock. Still sitting in his office and staring at the blank screen, he realized it had only taken him two and a half years to admit, if only to himself, that both McCoy and the Vulcan’s departures had left a vacant hole inside of him that no one else could ever fill.

Chapter 11

Six hours after the call, Leonard McCoy boarded the transport for the trip to Starfleet. He was running on pure adrenaline. The whole thing seemed pretty fishy. In all his years of service to Starfleet, this was the only time he had ever heard of anyone being called up using the “Reserve Activation” clause. Whatever was out there, his instincts told him that it had to be bad. But whatever awaited him, it couldn’t be any worse than having to see Jim again. Their parting wasn’t exactly on the best of terms. He settled back in the seat and only then did he allow himself the time to reflect on the past.

He remembered the sound of the lock activating on the connecting door, while in reality was a quiet hum, had sounded like an explosion to the two left standing in Spock’s quarters. After unsuccessfully trying the latch, he turned back to Spock. The Vulcan had donned a robe and was seated on the mat with his legs crossed and his hands steepled in front of him. “What the hell was THAT about, Spock?” he shouted.

Spock looked up with the pain of a wounded animal radiating in his eyes. “He asked me how I had known that you would be a willing participant in a relationship involving the three of us. I explained to him that I had discussed this with you last night.”

“You told him WHAT? For Gods sake, WHY?”

“Because he asked me. I could not lie to him.”

“Maybe we could have told him about that conversation at some point in the future, but not NOW! Not tonight for God’s sake! He probably feels like we trapped him!”

“I cannot apologize for stating the truth, Doctor.”

“Well, somebody better do some apologizing, and soon! We dock in three days!” His comment was met with silence. He could see that Spock had pulled back into his most Vulcan disposition. There was no talking to him when he was like this. He gathered up his clothes and quickly dressed himself. He went to his quarters and proceeded to try to get quite drunk. He failed.

The next days were a blur. It was a good thing that everything had been ready for docking prior to that evening, or it would’ve never been done. He had tried to contact Spock, but his messages were not returned. Knowing that Spock would have to deal with this in his own way, he decided to leave him alone for the time being. He stayed in his office until the comm unit beeped. It was Jim requesting the final Medical Services report. He had it ready to feed into the computer but he had not done so. He plugged the chip in and hit send. “Jim, we need to talk. I need to speak to you about what happened. I think we owe you an explanation.”

“No explanation needed, Doctor McCoy. I have things I must attend to. Kirk out,” was the response.

The Enterprise docked and everyone left the ship. All personal were given temporary quarters in the Starfleet dormitories. There were the usual debriefings but the only time he saw Jim Kirk was from a distance at Headquarters. He was with Admiral Nogura and his staff. He hadn’t even been able to make eye contact with him.

It had been four days since docking. Leonard had been informed that he was going to be sent to a starbase near Omula I due a recent outbreak of Quendine Fever. He was scheduled to leave immediately following the reception. He tried to find out where Spock’s temporary quarters were. He needed to talk to him before he was shipped out. No one at Headquarters would tell him anything regarding Spock, but he knew he was still in the city somewhere. All of the officers were still in the city, and would be until after the ceremony scheduled for that evening.

He got back to his temporary quarters and got out the hated dress uniform that he would need to wear to the formal function honoring the Enterprise crew. On his way to the shower, the flashing of the wall unit caught his eye as he noticed he had a comm message waiting. Hoping for a moment it was from Spock or Jim, he was somewhat disappointed to see Scotty’s face appear.

Scotty was saying that he had heard McCoy was leaving that night and wondered if he wanted to meet for drinks before the reception. The Scotsman informed him that he was going to stay with the Enterprise during the refit and filled him in on where some of the others had been assigned. He said that he hadn’t heard anything about the captain. Also, he wanted to ask if anyone had spoken with Spock. He stated that he had run into him as the Vulcan was boarding a transport the day after the Enterprise had arrived in space dock. Scotty said he couldn’t get more than a few words out of him, only that he had resigned his commission and was going back to live on Vulcan. He made it clear that he wouldn’t be returning to Starfleet.

McCoy heard nothing else that Scotty was saying. He sent back a brief message stating he wouldn’t be able to meet the Scotsman, but would see him later at the reception. He grabbed the uniform he had been taking off and pulled the shirt back on, hung the dress uniform back in the closet and headed for Starfleet Headquarters.

It took him over an hour to finally corner Jim. He was talking to Admiral Komack, the slimy worm, and McCoy burst in and told Jim that he needed to speak with him, “privately.” Knowing it was only because Jim wouldn’t cause a scene in front of Komack, his former captain excused himself and they headed for a deserted conference room.

“Jim,” Leonard had lit into him as soon as the door was closed. “Are you aware that Spock has resigned his commission and returned to Vulcan?”

“Yes, Doctor, I’m aware of that fact,” Jim had answered, coldly.

“And you did NOTHING to stop him?”

“Whatever decisions Mr. Spock chooses to make, it’s not my place to interfere.”

“Jim, he has only gone back to Vulcan because of this THING between the three of us!”

“Doctor, I do not wish to continue with this conversation, not now and certainly not here. Perhaps later when we can discuss this privately, but right now, I have other issues that need attending to.”

It was then that Komack tapped at the door and, not waiting for a response, opened it and addressed Jim. “Admiral Kirk, we will be issuing the official statement this evening at the reception. If you have anything you wish to add to the announcement, you should make sure it is included before the final draft is completed.”

“Thank you, Admiral Komack,” Jim replied, and turned back to Leonard. “Will there be anything else, Doctor? If not, then, as I said, I have things that need attending to.”

“ADMIRAL KIRK! Jim, what the HELL have you done? You’ve given up your career to become one of the damn paper pushers that you always resented? Have you lost your fucking mind?”

“No, Doctor, just found it. This is one decision that neither you nor Spock have control over. This decision was mine alone. Now, if there is nothing else.”

McCoy had just stood there looking at him in disbelief, but said nothing, possibly speechless for the first time in his life.

“Then, good bye, Doctor.” Jim had turned and walked away.

Within two hours, McCoy had managed to cuss out every ‘higher-up’ he could find. Told anyone who would listen that they were losing the best captain the fleet had ever had. And, in that time, he also managed to resign his commission and book transportation to Vulcan.

The transport landed, shaking Leonard back to the present. Arriving at Headquarters from the Middle Alliance, McCoy was briefed at Starfleet and reluctantly transported to the Enterprise. The first face that came into focus was Jim’s.

When McCoy stepped off the pad, his mood was far from friendly. Jim could understand. He had pushed this man out of his life and suddenly Leonard was realizing it was Jim who had him recalled. Seeing this man for the first time in over two years, Jim realized that no matter what had transpired in the past, he needed McCoy. He wasn’t sure he could ever fully trust him, not in the same way, but he did need him.

After the initial shock of seeing each other was over, and McCoy had asked and been given permission to board, Jim followed him to sickbay. After a few minutes, Leonard had cooled off and was looking around to see what the medical facilities needed. From what he could tell, it needed everything! How in hell, did they expect him to put together a sickbay outta this mess? And the design! “What idiot designed this atrocity?” he lamented as he looked around at the jumbled mess. “I hope to hell you didn’t have anything to do with this!”

Jim perched one leg on the edge of a desk and folded his arms across his knee. “No, Bones, sickbay redesign is not under my jurisdiction.”

“Well somebody doesn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground!” Leonard bemoaned. After his eyes had made a full sweep of the facility, all the time his head shaking, his gaze came back to the man in his office. There sitting on his desk, just as he has seen a thousand times before, was one of the faces that had haunted him for these last years. “Been in a fight?” he asked Jim.

“A fight?” Jim furrowed his brow in confusion. “No, why do you ask?”

“That,” Leonard said, as he nodding toward Jim’s hand. It had been wrapped in flesh-colored tape to camouflage the injury. “The bandage isn’t working, I see blood soaking through. What’d ya do, kill someone to get the center seat back?”

Jim gave him a nasty look and then looked down at the hand. Turning the palm up, he could see traces of red beginning to soak through. “Just a cut. Nothing serious.”

“Let me be the judge of that. Give it here.” Leonard unwrapped the bloody bandage and ran a scanner across the wounds. He couldn’t believe his eyes. There were two severed vessels along with several ligaments that had been nearly sliced through. “Good God, Jim, if I don’t repair this, you may lose the use of your fingers. Sit down.” He got the surgi-phaser kit powered up and in a few minutes he had the wound nearly closed. ‘How’d this happen?”

“I broke a glass a couple of nights ago, nothing important.”

“Well, it still looks nasty, but it’s sealed and you won’t have any permanent damage. You may have scars, but I can dissolve them later if you do.” He looked at Jim, “A glass, huh?”

“Yeah, just a glass.”

Leonard didn’t believe him, but he didn’t press it. ‘Great way to start,’ he thought. ‘My first log entry is gonna be a forgery. Oh well, some things never change.’

Jim got up to leave. When he got to the door he turned back and said, “Thanks Bones. I’m really glad to have you here, you know.”

Leonard looked at this man who even after all this time had a disturbing effect on him. With a slight tug at his lips that pulled his mouth into a grin, he replied, “Get the hell outta here, I’ve got work to do!”

“Oh, and Bones,” Jim said from the door of the unit, “the beard is non-reg, you know.”

The door shut as Leonard was flinging a string of obscenities toward Jim’s direction.

All that had transpired within those thirty-six hours was beyond belief. There had been transporter glitches resulting in the deaths of two crew members reporting to the ship, system failures, wormholes... and then, just when Kirk thought it couldn’t get any worse...

Chapter 12

The day he arrived on Vulcan was a faint memory. He had not been able to eat or sleep since that night in his cabin. It was the pain of pon farr without the burning, and meditation had repeatedly failed him. He had betrayed the two men that he had allowed himself to love; one by conspiracy, and the other by denial. He had betrayed his heritage and himself. He knew he had to purge himself of these emotions, otherwise they would be his undoing. There was only one choice left to him if he was to regain all that he valued. Only through a complete immersion in logic would he be able to cleanse himself of all sensory agitation. The only answer was a life of dedication at Gol.

He had contacted his father the day the Enterprise had docked at Earth Central. Spock, without reveling any more than was necessary, had asked his father to make the necessary arrangements. Sarek, even though Spock knew the raised eyebrow meant he disapproved, did as his son asked and a car and driver was waiting for him when he arrived at the Vulcan Transportation Center. Spock collapsed into the vehicle and was taken directly to the fortress that lay tucked into the side of the mountain. It was here where the steep cliffs met the floor of the desert that he would live out the remainder of his life.

The next days were spent in an agonizing haze as he fought to expel all of the pent up sensations that had consumed him these last years. He could feel Leonard’s presence even before he was advised he was at the entrance. He knew he should go to him and explain why this is where he needed to be. But he knew if he saw him, he would be forever lost to the tangle of emotions that bound him.

With the help of the Kolinahru, each of his passions were ripped from him one by one, leaving only the thick ugly scar of each deep within his mind. It was a full rotation of the Sister World before he could feel the calm of logic begin to take hold. He began to see that his whole life had been a series of irrational judgments. Where there had been chaos, a foundation of order began to grow.

For twenty-six additional rotations known as Koreels, Spock had immersed himself in the disciplines of the Kolinahr. The Masters certainly did not allow pride to intervene in their ordered way of life, but what they felt toward this student was not far from it. With Spock being a hybrid, it was assumed he would not have the capability to achieve Kolinahru status. It was an incorrect assumption. In his time with them, Spock, son of Sarek, son of Solkar, had managed to achieve the highest degree of pure logic that is considered obtainable. All that was left was for the Koultuck, the giving of the symbol by the Vulcan Priestess, for him to be declared a full Master.

It was planned that the ritual would take place on the day when the two planets nearest Vulcan would line up with the Vulcan sun. All three would become visible on the horizon simultaneously. It was an unusual event that only occurred every twenty-two Standard years, but it seemed a fitting time for this man.

Spock had ridded himself of even his deepest passions, beginning with his earliest recollections of his childhood and culminating with the events that resulted in his arrival at the fortress. The rejections, the hurts, the pain, and the desires that had played a key role in his life and decisions, were no more. He had gone into the years spent in Starfleet and examined them closely; the friendships, loyalties, passions, betrayals, and feelings of lust were scrutinized in intimate detail. He had touched on the names, held them, felt them in his deepest recesses of his soul and assured himself that these stirred no feelings within him. All that was left were bits of information logically filed away. He had achieved all that he had worked toward. He was pure logic.

The garment he would wear was brought to him. He stripped off the robe of the student and donned the ceremonial accoutrements of a Master, complete with the ancient embossed breastplate made from the hardened skins of long extinct, indigenous animals. He waited for the entourage that would accompany him to the most holy of places. He knelt on the terrace in quiet meditation prior to the ceremony. After completing all stages of meditation, he rose up from the terrace tiles and looked out over the desert. He felt the strength of the desert flow through to him. In the black sky, he saw the sister-world, T'Kuht, roll toward the place where it would meet the yet unseen orange sun. He watched as the other planet, the Planet of Surak’s soul, appear as an orange orb that rose between them from beneath the horizon where it would take its place between the two glowing planets. He knew the time was near.

Drawing peace from the sight, he felt a twinge of something familiar. Knowing this was only the peace of pure logic he turned when the Masters came for him. They made their way up the stone path to the site of the ceremony. It was a place that had seen this same ritual take place thousands of times over the centuries since Surak. Peace. He knelt before the Priestess and looked up to her. Her weathered face bore the calm he had worked to achieve. He breathed a cleansing breath and prepared to have the symbol placed about his neck. In readiness, he steepled his fingers. As the ancient words were being spoken, he saw the astrological event taking place behind her. He saw the bright star move into position where it was flanked by two glowing planets.

There was something about the sight that seemed to call to him. He squinted his eyes and looked past her. Something about this tugged at his memory. Although most illogical, it seemed as if he had once belonged there. The pain came. He knew what this sight represented, and he felt a stirring within from the realization. Jim, the golden being he would have laid down his life for, flanked by Leonard and himself. ‘No!” he demanded of himself. Such thoughts, such stirrings belonged to the life he had long since left behind. He breathed deeply, trying not to let the sight undo all he had accomplished. ‘PEACE. Find the calm of logic,’ he mentally appealed to his sense of reason. Grasping for the teachings of these last years, he searched desperately within himself for his center of logic, and failed.

Her hands rose, the jewels and gold catching the light of the sun, ready to place the symbol around his neck.

‘Wait!’ his hand went up to block hers. He could not accept this, not yet, not now.

“Your thoughts, give them to me,” she demanded in the most ancient language.

Her fingers found the meld points, and until the very instant that he felt her join with him he fought to rid himself of these emotions. But unable to grasp onto the teachings of these last years, their minds merged; all of the sensations that he was experiencing became exposed.

Together, their minds as one, they moved through his thoughts. There was logic of the highest order, an unmatched understanding of all of the Kolinahr disciplines, a precise and ordered subconscious that every student of Gol strove to achieve, resulting in perfect streams of thought. As she moved with him through his ordered mind, he discerned what could nearly be called envy at his complete understanding of these principles. However, moving deeper, this new awareness was unfolding before them. It was a warmth that spread throughout his very soul. Love. Love for two humans. An undying, all consuming love with a depth that the recorded histories of the ages had only theorized about. There was an awaking of the spirit that could never be answered through logic alone.

The heavy chain of the symbol slipped through her fingers and the stones and metal that comprised the medallion fell to the hard, stone tiles. The sound seemed to echo around them, as if a phaser blast had just gone off within his mind.

The jolt of the sound brought him back to full awareness. He watched as she turned and walked away. He reached down and caressed the stones as they lay shimmering in the brightness of the Vulcan sun. Picking up the medallion, he felt the weight of it in his hand. Then, his shields down and no barrier standing between him and the universe, he heard the calling of another. He turned to look into the western sky. He knew where his answers lay.

Chapter 13

This had not been his finest moment. The warp engines were not responding, the communications system was one step above two tin cans and a string, and he had miscalculated a response when they were pulled into the wormhole; it was a miscalculation that had almost destroyed the ship, and thus all of Earth. McCoy was already making grumbling noises about being scared out of his wits, and his second-in-command was being quite patronizing. Had he been away too long? Had he lost his edge? Was he past the point of being able to command this vessel? He had to admit the doubts were more than just nagging at him.

Shaking them off, he knew he had a job to do. This was not the time to doubt his ability. Any hesitation would cost them all their lives. James Kirk went into full command mode. He began by assessing their current situation and then by demanding everything Scotty could give him, and more. While reviewing the latest status report, he noticed the bridge crew had focused their attention toward something behind him. He turned in his chair and, in one fraction of a second, his soul was ripped open right there on the bridge.

“Spock!” he exclaimed. He felt as if a power greater than any he had ever encountered pulled him from his chair. Forward, it drew him until he was gripping the rail. He didn’t realize he had uttered the name again until he recognized his own voice. “Spock...” he breathed.

Spock looked at Jim with no emotion at all, their eyes held for a moment, but he turned away and went right to work feeding the calculations into the computer that would bring the warp engines back online

“I offer my services as science officer,” Spock was saying.

Jim was jolted back to the present. There were several moments where shock had replaced reality. He had no true recollection of the exact actions on the bridge during that brief period, and his doubts in himself returned. Did seeing Spock reinforced the fact that he was no longer capable of command? No! He had never allowed his personal life to interfere with his ability to command. He would not allow it to do so now. He was capable of handling any situation that presented itself, including this one. With that, he realized his days as a pawn were over. Even the lifeless eyes that met his before boarding the lift could not dissuade him. Whatever happened, it would be because he would use his expertise and instincts to guide this crew. Taking charge, he handled each event as it arose, as he saw fit.

“We need him...I need him.” He had leaned forward toward Spock and looked him directly in the eye. He wanted to leave no doubt what he was saying. He needed Spock’s experience for the success of this mission. Beyond that, he wanted both of these men in his life. Anything else would be up to them to decide later. But he knew he would not let either of them go again without a fight.

“Jim, how do we know about any of us?” McCoy had asked.

Jim stared at his friend. Jim knew. He couldn’t explain it to Bones, not yet, maybe not ever. But, for the first time since that night in Spock’s cabin, he knew what he had to do. And at last he could finally face the demons that had haunted him for all of these years. These were the same demons that had ripped his power away from him as a youth and had driven him headlong through the door of his cabin so many years later, the same demons that had swept him into the self-imposed prison of the Admiralty.

He had lost control of his emotions, of his career, and of his life. And, just as he had done once before, he had found the strength to survive. He felt like a man who had just exited a long, dark tunnel and was relishing the light. They would get through this. Somehow, the three of them, the ship, the planet, they would all get through this. He would see to it. He had not achieved all he had by accepting defeat. His confidence in his abilities was unwavering. His confidence that the three of them could heal old wounds was short lived.

V’ger, as the probe masquerading as his former navigator referred to the being, was rapidly approaching Earth with the intention of reducing all carbon-based units to engrams in some computer bank. Decker was getting little information from the probe, but there were brief moments that they seemed to relate on a level beyond the perceptible. Will once had a relationship with Ilia, and Jim hoped that on this level, a connection could be established with which to reach the entity. But as time passed, Jim knew their time was running out.

With V’ger taking up a position on the outer rim of Earth’s orbit, and their survival in question, the sight of Spock disappearing into the gaping maw of the cloud shook Jim to his very core. Spock had made it clear what he hoped to find in his connection with V’ger; a symbiotic connection with the perfectly ordered logic he sensed coming from the heart of the being. It was this that Spock had failed to achieve on Vulcan and something he hoped to obtain from the entity. And Jim knew, whether he had minutes or decades to live, he could never be whole without him. There were two men who owned a part of his soul. It had not been taken, they had not stolen it from him; he had freely given a part of himself to each many years before.

He was prepared to follow Spock into the belly of the beast, knowing that he, too, would find his answers inside. It was not logic, but salvation that he sought. Calculating his entry to coincide with the rhythmic opening of the orifice, he saw the lifeless form drift from the aperture and float toward him. He captured the motionless body and held it tight until they could be pulled back into the ship. Helpless until they could be processed through the pressure lock, he used all of his power to channel his energy into Spock, trying desperately to get him to hold on. If Spock had been right, if there had ever been a link between them, he needed Spock to feel all of the strength of that connection now.

Leonard was waiting on them just outside the pressure chamber. Waiting as he had so many times before to repair the damage they seemed to, much too often, inflict on the fragile structures of their bodies. Quickly he removed the bubble helmet from Spock and began a preliminary scan. Expecting to see little activity on the small tricorder screen, he was exuberant with the readouts. They were far from normal, but they were very active. “He’s alive, Jim!” He had looked up had shouted. “I don’t know if I can keep him that way, his brain waves are completely out of kilter, but damnit, at least for now, he’s alive!” Standing, he turned to the transportation team and demanded, “Get him to sickbay, now!”

Jim stripped off his own pressure suit and quickly followed the medical team. Rushing through the door, he saw Bones already had Spock on a biobed and was doing what he could to repair the damage. “The scanner on the bed isn’t working! Use the manual scanner!” the doctor was shouting toward Christine.

Jim walked to the corner of the room and, keeping one eye on the bustle of activity that was taking place around the diagnostic platform, he loaded the data chip from Spock’s pressure suit into the computer. Shaking his head at what he saw, he turned to Bones, “If it’s any help, he tried to meld with that thing!”

“Crazy Vulcan!” Bones exclaimed as he took another look at the monitor above the bed and turned his attention to Jim. “What the hell was he trying to do?”

“Communicate. Find answers. The same thing we’ve all been searching for, Bones.”

Leonard nodded. Jim’s meaning was clear. They had all searched for answers these last years and, until returning to this ship, none of them had found any. He didn’t know about Jim or Spock, but he knew that in this last day he had found his own answers. This is where he belonged, in Starfleet, at the side of one obstinate Vulcan and the man with the gold-flecked eyes. He looked once more at the readouts. He would do all in his power to save Spock. Everything else he would leave up to Jim. He had entrusted his life to this man before, and he would do so now. He had repaired the physical damage. The rest was up to a greater power than his if Spock were to survive. Bones left the bedside and walked toward Jim.

“How is he, Bones?” Jim looked toward the lifeless form on the bed.

Leonard shook his head. “The power pouring through that mind meld must have been staggering.”

There was a sound from the bed. A laugh? Bones and Jim moved quickly to his side. “Spock,” Jim said. The eyes opened and looked at him.

“Jim, I should have known,” Spock said.

“Were you right? About V’ger?”

Spock nodded. “A lifeform of its own, a conscious, living, entity.

“V’ger has knowledge that spans the universe. And yet, for all it’s logic, V’ger is barren...cold...no mystery...no beauty.” As unconsciousness tried to reclaim him, he whispered, “I should have known.” The eyes, which had appeared so bright a moment before, closed.

“Known? Known what?” There was no response. “Spock!” Jim called as he grabbed his friend by the shoulders, prepared to shake him back to consciousness if that’s what it took. He felt a hand on his arm, Bones’ hand, trying to pull him away.

“Captain,” Bones said.

He knew what Bones was telling him. Spock needed rest, but there was no time to rest. The ship, the crew, and Earth, were all just minutes away from destruction. He pulled his arm from the doctor’s grip. “Bones!” he commanded. He could not be stopped, not now, not even by this man. He placed his hands again on Spock’s shoulders and shook him gently. The answer was locked inside of Spock, and Jim needed those answers, now.

“Spock...what should you have known? What should you have known?” He heard the urgency in his voice, but so must have Spock for the eyes opened.

A hand, a warm, powerful hand gripped his biceps. For just a brief moment, he thought Bones was trying to pull him away again, but this was not Bones' hand. “Jim...” Spock whispered as he tightening his grip. This touch burrowed through the material, beneath the skin and into his soul to fill the ache that had been ever present these last years. The hand slid down his arm until the hot hand captured his. For a moment the gulf of time that had separated them disappeared.

“This...simple feeling, is beyond V’ger’s comprehension.” The look in Spock’s eyes left no doubt what he was telling him. Had he not seen it in the eyes, he would have felt it through the touch. Jim closed his other hand over that one gripping his hand. It was love that V’ger lacked. And…this simple feeling…was beyond V’ger’s understanding. V’ger had expelled Spock when they touched consciousness. The love he felt, the love he had tried to deny for so long, was so strong, that V’ger had rejected him with a viciousness that had propelled him out of the inner chamber. “No meaning,” Spock continued, “no hope, and Jim, no answers. It’s asking questions.”

“What questions?”

“Is this all I that I am? Is there nothing more?”

‘More,’ Jim thought, ‘is there more?’

Chapter 14

When Spock grasped his hand in sickbay, Jim had felt some of that old feeling creeping in, tempting him to make a most inappropriate move. But, at the sound of the comm, he stopped himself from leaning over Spock and brushing his lips against those he remembered being so soft and warm. Convincing himself these feelings were nothing more than gratitude that an old friend had survived, he straightened, released the hand and got back to the business of saving the planet.

In the days that followed, Spock had been reserved. He did not avoid Jim, but neither did he seek him out. The Vulcan veneer was tightly in place. Reports regarding the recent events were given with Spock standing straight, hands clasped tightly behind his back, and making only what eye contact was necessary. His body language couldn’t have been any clearer if there had a minefield around him. He didn’t want Jim, or anyone for that matter, any closer than absolutely necessary.

For the time being, that was fine with Jim. He didn’t want to do anything to make Spock run back to Vulcan. He knew whatever the relationship became in the future, it would have to be taken slowly. And, even though he had tried to get past it, there were those same issues regarding that night which still had him uncertain. But, even on this level, he was glad to have both of them back in his life. Keeping their relationship on a professional level, for now, was wise.

The Enterprise had run through a brief shakedown and a list of repairs and adjustments was compiled. “That’a’way,” Jim had commanded, but they had not traveled far before the ramifications of the rush to launch were fully understood. Beyond the damage that had been caused by the magnetic fields from V’ger, food synthesizers didn’t work, the air replacement system was straining, the turbolifts would stop where they weren’t supposed to, and even when they did stop, the doors wouldn’t open when they should. But when Scotty found the dilithium crystals were draining faster than the engines could handle, they headed back to spacedock. Once the ship was tethered to the remotes, all prepared to transport to the ground station.

Returning to his quarters, Spock took this time to kneel before the small firepot. This, and a medallion which had been dropped at his knees just ten standard days before, were all of the personal possessions he carried with him when he left Vulcan. He needed time to put these last days in perspective. To fail to do so, could lead him into the same mistakes he had allowed before. Opening his eyes in sickbay, he had been met by the faces of the two men who threatened to undo all he had accomplished these last years. True, he had failed to rid himself of his emotions regarding these men, but he had learned to master them.

His shields were once again firmly in place when he reported to the bridge. The events of the next hours were intense enough to take his mind off of his momentary lapse upon regaining consciousness. It was not until Mr. Scott told him that they could have him back on Vulcan in four days that he realized what he must do. He remembered Jim’s face as he leaned over him in sickbay and he saw, for just a second, forgiveness in the gold-flecked eyes. The decision was made. His response had been, “My mission on Vulcan is complete.”

Kneeling before the glowing object of Vulcan meditation, he fought to regain the composure he had come aboard with. He could not allow himself the luxury of desire for Kirk and McCoy. He may not be able to extinguish the burning he felt for them, but he was determined to subdue these sensations. Pressing his hands together, even days later he could still feel the heat where Jim’s hand had been held tight within his own. He had felt his own emotions bubbling to the surface during the meld with V’ger and he had been powerless to stop them. Now, they were open and fresh. The actions that occurred two point six years earlier played out in his mind as if they had happened just moments before. Death would have been easier than hurting these men again. He should have died. Now he had to regain control.

But control did not come easily. Not with the clarity of such memories haunting him, consuming him, driving him with a need as intense as the one that had driven V’ger to seek that which would make it complete. These were the same desires he had been powerless over since the day James Kirk appeared before him. It was more than seven years since the golden man had stepped from the platform, and, in an instant, he had known his life was no longer his own. And it had also been the dark one, the one who had constantly challenged his very nature with blatant emotionalism and, using a sharp tongue as skillfully as any medical instrument, had carved a place in his soul. In those first years, he had struggled to suppress thoughts of a physical relationship with them. These desires had, on many occasions, driven him to his quarters in the quest of privacy in which to meditate. When that failed, as it often did, he had learned to resort to manually manipulating himself to minimize the overwhelming need to seek them out.

He remembered the night when longing had become reality. He could still taste the sweetness of their mouths, the softness of their hands, and the sight of them naked and aroused. On that night, the sounds of their pleasure had filled his cabin with an erotic chorus of gasping breaths, soft moans and spoken desires. The feel of their hard heat against him had transported him to the depths of passion he had only before imagined. He had tasted the saltiness still clinging to the soft, pink lips as he claimed the mouth with his own; the plea was whispered to him with a need he had never expected to hear from James Kirk. The memory of those hands exploring him and those mouths claiming him was as clear as it had been on that night.

There was no known drink or drug that was as intoxicating as the feel and taste of their combined, unleashed passions. For those few, brief moments, the three of them had been one entity, each feeling the other’s pleasure. In that moment, he had lost himself.

In the hours that followed, the impact of his weakness had become clear. Jim had covered them, mistaking his shivers as being caused from chill. They were not. The shivering of his body was due to the power of the emotions that surged through him. Then there was the realization of the pain that had been brought to both when his needs overcame his logic. Now, given the chance to right the wrongs of that night, he vowed he would never again allow that to occur. He would never again allow himself the pleasure of these memories. He would draw on all he had achieved at Gol to suppress any thoughts he may have regarding a physical relationship with either of these men. He would do all in his power to serve them and, if it took the remainder of his days, to undo the hurt he had caused.

Chapter 15

Once the V’ger situation was over, James Kirk had been credited with saving the planet. He knew damned well that his bargaining power had just increased tenfold. Starfleet Command would be unable to deny him any request after this. He had sent two of his crew members off into some other dimension, but according to Nogura, although a very unfortunate loss, it was an entire sector saved. Even Komack couldn’t deny the fact that Kirk had pulled off the ultimate rescue. He certainly didn’t like the fact that it was Kirk who had accomplished this feat, but neither could he deny it.

Jim was well aware that both Spock and Leonard were staying in San Francisco until all information regarding V’ger had been processed. There had been little time to discuss any future plans before they were back in spacedock. Bones had said he was going to remain in Starfleet, but Jim wasn’t sure what plans Spock had in mind.

Spock had stated that his mission on Vulcan was completed, but Jim didn’t know exactly what that was supposed to mean. He hoped that Spock was also willing to stay with Starfleet. As an admiral, Jim appreciated Spock’s value to the service. As a man, he knew his personal feelings went much deeper. He knew he would do all in his power to keep him from running off to some other part of the galaxy. Jim wanted to still have contact with him in whatever capacity Spock chose that contact to be.

The Enterprise still had a long way to go before she was going to be deep space ready. What Scotty and his team had spent years working on, was now in shambles. Kirk went back to the apartment in San Francisco. There were a lot of decisions to be made. He needed to decide just where he wanted to fit in with Starfleet, or for that matter, out of Starfleet. He stood looking out of the window, but it was the lights of the bay that held his attention. The need to search for the group of blue lights against the black sky no longer seemed all consuming.

The door signal sounded, bringing Jim back to the present. Walking to the unit on the table, he activated the lift access to the apartment. He was not surprised to see Bones when the door slid open. Since Leonard had returned to the ship, their relationship, for the most part, had been pleasant. Even to the point of feeling the camaraderie that had defined their earlier years together.

“Hello, Bones,” Jim greeted him.

“May I come in?” he asked.

“Sure,” Jim said, stepping aside, “come on in.”

“I brought some good ol’ Kentucky Bourbon. Care to join me?”

“Sure, why not. There doesn’t seems to be any crises’ going on tonight.”

Leonard mumbled something about 'thanking God for small favors' as he poured them both a glass of the amber liquid. They toasted “Success” and spent the first round of drinks discussing the mission and the mood around Headquarters since their return.

After all of the small talk had been covered, and another round of the potion tossed back, Leonard looked at Jim and asked, “I know you weren’t ready to deal with the past after the original mission ended, but do you think we can talk about it now? Talk about what took place that night? Maybe, if not forgive, then at least find a way to get past it?”

“I am past it, Bones. What’s there to talk about? That was a long time ago, and we’re all different people now. I’ve been able to just let it go.” Even now, there were issues about that night that he had not been able to let go of. But after these last days, and an epiphany or two, he had decided to ignore what had happened before.

He saw no reason to confess to Bones that just fifteen days ago, in this very room, he had fallen apart over this subject. But that was in the past, and he felt that with both McCoy and Spock being there when he needed them, they had at least laid a foundation to begin again. He felt certain that they would not be able to pick up where they had left off. He wasn’t even sure that any of them would want that.

“Jim, I can’t just let it go. It was a hell of a ride to be back together and on a mission again, but I’ve been living with that evening for over two years. Hell, it took me most of that time to just stop being numb. Jim, please, help me.”

Jim looked at his old friend and saw the pain in his face. ‘He’s carried this with him just as I have,’ he thought.

“All right, then, what’s on your mind?”

“You are, Jim. I need to know what happened that night. What’s your perception of what went on? I thought we had just found each other. But before it even gets a chance to take hold, it’s all over.”

“Bones, that night was a mistake for all of us. Can’t we just leave it at that?”

“No, Jim, I can’t. Hell, I’ve watched you push away anyone who could mean anything to you for all of these years. Don’t you know you’ll never find any peace until you start listening to your heart?”

“My heart? That’s what got us into this mess. Dammit, Bones, what’s not to understand? The two of you cooked up that catastrophe! I didn’t know what the two of you had planned when I walked into Spock’s quarters that night. I was actually fool enough to believe what happened was spontaneous, not something that you and Spock had conceived to bring me into your game. I don’t know how long the two of you had been lovers, but to use your relationship to try to control me was something I never expected, certainly not from either of you. I trusted you, dammit. More than I’ve ever trusted anyone, I trusted both of you.” Jim was feeling the heat beneath his collar. He fought against his rising anger. He didn’t want this to take them right back to where they were two and a half years ago.

“Game? What game, Jim? Spock wasn’t my lover! Sure, I’d wanted him to be. Hell, I’d had the same fantasies about you! But you were there.” Leonard could not sit still. He got up from the chair and paced as he spoke. “Spock and I didn’t have some kinda sexual game going on! Jim,” he stopped pacing and his voice grew soft, “that was the first time I ever touched Spock in that way. It was the first time I’d ever touched another male in that way.”

“But that doesn’t make sense, Bones. Spock told me that you two had planned it the night before. That he had become aware of your desire to include me through physical contact. Then there was the setup in his cabin, and you…hell, you were just lying there grinning while he is asking us to be his lovers.”

“Oh God! Jim... no! You’ve got this all wrong! It’s true that Spock and I discussed the possibility of the three of us becoming lovers. Hell, once I understood what he was proposing, I jumped at the chance! And, yes, he had sensed our desire, which matched his own, through the many melds and touches we were prone to in those days. Dammit, Jim, what do you think he was picking up from you during all of those wrestling sessions in the gym? He’s a touch telepath, for God’s sake!”

Bones sat down in the chair facing Jim, and leaned forward. “Jim,” he continued, “let me tell you what happened the night he came to me, the evening prior to the one when we ended up in his cabin.

Chapter 16

“I’d been working late to try to get all of the inventory and reports ready for docking. I was the only one in the lab and, buried knee-deep in work, was concentrating on getting everything in order. I was trying to make some sense out of a data chip that was not complete, when I looked up and Spock was leaning against the door. Let me tell you, he scared the shit out of me! I thought I was the only one left in that end of the ship. Well, after I got my breath back, I asked him what I could do for him.

“He said he wanted to talk to me about a situation that had arisen. It was something of a personal nature. Looking around, he saw there were crates stacked everywhere and no place to sit. He asked if there was a place we could discuss it. I told him sure. It was late, I was ready to take a break, and I suggested we go to my cabin. He agreed. Once there, I offered him something to drink, knowing he would refuse, and low and behold he accepted! I went to the cabinet and poured us both a glass of brandy.

“I asked him what was eating him, and he gave me the stock answer that nothing was attempting to consume him, or some such bullshit. I could tell he was stalling. For Spock to stall, I knew it had to be serious. I turned around, ready to give him some blasted reply, but, for just a moment, I saw something in his face that I had never seen before. There was a softness, an openness that almost took my breath away. Of course, he recovered as soon as I looked at him, and I began to think I had imagined it. I’d been imagining a lot of things back then, with Spock, and yes, Jim, with you.” Leonard reached for the bottle and refilled his glass.

“Bones, I understand. You don’t have to…”

“Let me get this out, Jim. Hell, it’s embarrassing enough to have to admit all of this, but let me get it over with. It’s something I have to do.”

Jim nodded, “Okay, Bones. What happened next?”

“I handed him his glass and I asked him what it was he wanted to discuss. He lifted the glass and took a sip. He turned and went to the couch and sat down on one end and I joined him. After a long pause when it seemed he was trying to find the right words, he turned to me and said, ‘Doctor, ...Leonard.’ Now, right off he had my interest. Do ya know that was the first time he ever called me by my given name? Anyway, he continued, ‘I have recently become aware of some emotional...interest that you may be feeling toward me. I would like to discuss that possibility.’

“Well, I sure didn’t know where he was goin’ with this, but my first reaction was that he was about to tell me he was a Vulcan and that any feelings toward him were misplaced. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I asked, ‘Possibility, Spock? Do ya mean the possibility that I may have feelings toward you, or do ya mean the possibility of acting on those feelings?’

“He flicked up an eyebrow, you know how he does, and said, ‘Perhaps first we must confirm whether or not these feelings exist. Do they?’ he asked.

“Jim, I have’ta tell ya, I started to deny it. It would’a been easy to tell him he was outta his Vulcan mind and drop it. But the mission was ending, and I knew if I didn’t take this opportunity, it’d probably never get another chance. ‘Yes,’ I finally answered. ‘But, please understand, I don’t want to do anything to upset the apple cart, Spock. I value the friendship I have with you and Jim, far above anything else that I desire.’

“He turned in the seat toward me, this time both of his eyebrows had disappeared under his hair. He asked, ‘Am I to understand that these desires are directed toward Jim as well? That you desire both of us?’

“Jeeze! I knew I’d really stepped into it then! How could I tell him what I felt when we were together. How could he understand how much I wanted you? How hard I’d tried to conceal my desire to touch you? To touch both of you? I’d come this far, so I admitted that, yes, I was attracted to you both.

“He just nodded and said that he understood. Well, I sure wasn’t gettin’ the whole picture, so I asked him just what was it that he understood.

“He answered, ‘How there can be an attraction to more than one individual.’

“Well, for Spock to understand an emotional attachment really had me curious. ‘How can you understand that?’ I asked.

“He looked straight at me and said, ‘I have found myself in a similar emotional state.’

“Well, I about choked on the brandy, but managed to sputter something to the effect of, ‘Toward who?’

“At first, I didn’t think he was going to answer me, and to tell you the truth, I didn’t really want to know. I wasn’t sure I could handle finding out that he was interested in someone else, even if it was you, not with the feelings I’d developed toward him. He stood up and walked to the center of the room, and just when I thought he was going to leave, he turned to me and said, ‘The captain and yourself.’

“Jim, I didn't know what to say. I felt like my brain was on overload. Sure, like I said, I’d had fantasies, but I never considered the possibility that he had too! Trying not to scare him off, I looked up and said, ‘Well, I guess we need to decide where we go from here.’

“He nodded, took another sip of the brandy and said, ‘I have detected a similar response from Jim. I have not approached him regarding this. The frequent physical contact and mind melds that we have shared have served to make me more receptive to his thoughts than to yours. It is my belief that he feels the same desire for us. However, I have been unwilling to discuss this with him. It is my concern that he will perceive this link as emotional eavesdropping. It had been my hope that he would approach one of us regarding this, but, now that the mission coming to a close, there is a time factor involved.’ Now that he had admitted his feelings, he was trying to sort out how you would react to this.

“I understood. And, he was right. There was no telling how you would have accepted this. I finally said, ‘Spock, forgive me, I haven’t had the time to collect my thoughts on this subject that you have, but it’s my opinion that if you’re interested in pursing a relationship that involves Jim, you should let him know. You’re his subordinate officer and, even more important, his friend. If you think he’s having these feelings, and you’re interested, then you should let him know you’d be receptive.’ Never mind the fact that I was givin’ him the same advice that I had been afraid to take all those years. Then I asked him, ‘I have to know, where do I fit into this?’

“I remember he sat his glass on the table and turned to me. It seemed he drew a long breath before he answered, ‘It would be my utmost desire, Leonard, that we, the three of us, would be capable of moving our relationship to a physical level.’

“Jim, you could’ve knocked me over with a feather. You don’t know how many times I’d dreamed about just such an arrangement. But that’s all it was, just a lot’a mental meanderings that occurred in the darkness of my cabin.”

Jim noticed the flush that darkened Bones’ cheeks. In the years he had known this man, it was one of the few times he had seem him embarrassed. “It’s okay, Bones,” Jim reassured his friend. “I’d been having the same kind of fantasies, just not with you both...together.” Jim smiled and Bones smiled back, seeming to relax a bit. “Go on, what else happened?” Jim urged.

Leonard nodded and sat back on the sofa. “Well, I finally found the words to ask him, ‘Spock, let me get this straight, you want the three of us to become lovers?’

“Jim, there was a vulnerability in those eyes that melted me when he asked, ‘Could you be receptive to such an arrangement, Leonard?’

“How do you answer someone when they’ve just handed you everything you ever dreamed of? I finally managed to say, ‘Yes...I suppose...Yes I could. Hell, yes! But, I have to tell you, I’ve never had a...physical relationship with another male.’

“It was just a hint of one, but I swear there was a small smile that appeared on his lips when he replied, ‘Then, Doctor, on that point, we would be equals. However, if all are agreed, I believe the mechanics of the situation would work themselves out naturally.’

“He sat back down and for a few minutes, we didn’t say anything. It was kinda like we were just letting the idea soak in. After a few minutes of silence, I asked him, ‘So, what are you going to do? Are you going to approach Jim with this same offer?’

“He looked up and raised an eyebrow. I don’t think he had given this any thought. I don’t think he was expecting me to go along with this, to tell you the truth. As if he was thinkin’ it through as he spoke, he said, ‘Tonight Jim is scheduled for a vid-conference with Starfleet Command. Tomorrow he will be with the engineering staff for most of the day. Due to the constant demands on his time when he is in his cabin, we have scheduled the rec room on the officer’s deck for a chess game tomorrow evening. I assume that would be my first opportunity in which to determine how best to, or whether to, proceed. Since this involves you as well, would you care to join us?’

“I just shrugged and said, ‘Sure. Why not, I’ve had my life hinge on less than a chess game in the past!’

“He rose to leave, but, Jim, I realized how many times I’d allowed him to walk away from me when I wanted to stop him. On impulse, I reached out and touched his arm. ‘Spock,’ I said, not really knowing what I wanted to ask. I guess I was wondering if your agreeing to this was all that mattered. He took my hand and pulled me up, put his arms around me and kissed me. It felt like the whole god-damned ship had come out from under me. In that minute, I knew that my life would never be the same. I knew the only thing that could complete me was Spock-- and you. Your being there is the only thing that could’ve made that moment any better.”

Chapter 17

Jim watched the hands as they trembled around the glass his friend clutched. He didn’t know what to say. He’d been a fool. Bones looked up from the glass. “That’s it, Jim. That’s all of the planning that went into this. Spock was just trying to sort out whether or not he should let you know his feelings for you, for us. There was never a game being played! Hell, I don’t even know for sure if Spock and I would’ve had a relationship, beyond that one kiss, that you weren’t included in. Never had time to find out.”

“Bones, I’m sorry, I didn’t know. And, I sure as hell didn’t want to stick around long enough to understand.”

“Why, Jim? What happened that evening that pissed you off so bad that you wouldn’t even talk to us. I mean, even if Spock and I had something going on, we were close enough to talk about everything during those years.”

Jim leaned forward. “Were we? Seems to me that we spent the biggest part of those years avoiding what was really important. And I sure wasn’t honest with either one of you. No, Bones, not everything.” There was still much more he was keeping from McCoy. Was there ever going to be a time when he could tell him everything? “Let’s just say I felt like the choice had been ripped from me. With the mission ending, and Starfleet up to something, I felt like I was losing any control I had on my professional life. And, with what happened that night, I felt stripped of any control in my personal life. I couldn’t face giving that up. Not again.”

Jim watched as Leonard nodded his understanding, stood up, sat his glass on the table and reached for his jacket. “You’re right. I’d never thought about it, but I guess we never were all that honest with each other. I’m sorry, Jim. Look, I’ll leave...leave you alone. I never meant to hurt you. And I know Spock didn’t either.”

Jim spoke quickly as he stood up and turned to face the man. “Bones, don’t go.” The voice came as a plea. “I meant what I said on the ship, I need you. I need both of you. I don’t know exactly what that’s going to mean for us in the future, but I’m as sure of that now as I’ve been about anything in these last seven years.”

Leonard breathed a sigh of relief and tossed his jacket back on the chair. “Jim, I don’t know where we go from here either. But I think we need to talk to Spock. He needs to understand what happened that night. I don’t know exactly why he gave up the Kolinahr, but I’ve gotta believe it was more than that machine calling out to him.”

“Have you heard what his plans are? I haven’t talked to him since we got back.”

“No, haven’t heard a thing. But he didn’t exactly fill me in on his plans before, either. How about you, Jim? What are your plans?”

Jim emitted a chuckle devoid of all humor, as he replied, “Funny, I was just contemplating that when you showed up. I’m still an admiral, Bones. The grade reduction to captain was only temporary. I’m still Chief of Starfleet Operations. Finally, I realize that from this position I can make a difference. I know whatever happens, I’m through being Komack’s patsy. I think Nogura will be more than willing to let me get involved with the real issues that will lead this program into the future. I have the capability to do that. Can you understand that, Bones?”

“Yeah, but you know what I’ve believed all along. Jim, can you really be happy if you’re not up there?” he asked, pointing to the sky with his thumb.

“I don’t know, maybe not. I haven’t really given myself time to find out in these last years. But I have to try to make the best of this.”

“So, what are we going to do about Spock?”

Jim shook his head and shrugged. “I guess I’m going to ask him to come here tomorrow night. Do you want to be here?”

“I think this is where I came in! Yeah, I’ll come. What time?”

“Let me get in touch with Spock tomorrow and I’ll let you know then. He may not be willing to come at all. Bones, what you don’t realize is that before he left Starfleet we had a discussion. He referred to what had gone on between us as ‘a flaw in judgment’. He may not be interested in even a social relationship with me, or us.”

“Jim, I don’t know if I get the whole picture, but from what I saw in sickbay a few days ago, that man still loves you.”

“That could have been just an affect of the meld with V’ger. He showed no signs of any interest in the days since. But, I have to say, I haven’t exactly given him any reason to.” Jim looked back at Leonard. He wanted to go to him and wrap his arms around the compact form to both offer and find comfort. ‘I don’t even know how to approach him regarding a relationship between the two of us,’ Jim though to himself. But he knew that this was not the time.

“What about you, Bones?” They had wandered to the alcove that held the fireplace. Jim leaned an arm on the mantel, swirling the liquid in the glass with his free hand, his foot propped on the hearth. Leonard had seated himself sideways on one of the chaise lounges. “You said you’re staying active in Starfleet, but does that mean taking an assignment, or are you returning to the New Consolidated Middle Alliance?”

“Actually, I met with HQ this morning,” the doctor’s mood brightening a little. “It looks like I’ll be staying on here. The only work I have left is writing the papers that will be published, and Starfleet gave me the go ahead to write them while keeping my commission active. So, I’ll be staying on here in San Francisco. At least for the next couple of years.”

“Bones, That’s great! I can’t tell you how much it means that you’ll be sticking around.”

It was the first time in years that Leonard had seen that ‘Kirk’ smile. It was a great thing to see.

The next minutes were pregnant with silence. It was as if they had run out of things to say to each other. All that was left was the unspoken, and neither was willing to broach those delicate subjects.

“Well, listen, I really better go,” Leonard said as he stood up. “I’ve gotta find a place of my own tomorrow. I sure can’t stay in the dormitory. These young kids make me nervous! Just leave me a message about tomorrow. And Jim, if you decide you should just talk to him one-on-one, I’ll understand.”

McCoy headed for the door. Jim walked him to the entrance. He placed his arm around Leonard’s shoulders, “Bones, whatever happens, I just want you to know...” he stopped, lost for words. Wanting to tell this man he loved him, but still afraid to let the words leave his lips.

“I know, Jim, I know.” Bones looked at him, and just for a moment it seemed they would kiss, but the moment passed. “Everything will be fine,” he reassured. He keyed the lift open, and Jim watched him till the door slid shut.

Chapter 18

Spock had completed his briefing with Headmaster Yow, of Starfleet Academy.

“Commander Spock, we were very pleased to discover that you would be interested in chairing the science department. It is indeed rare to find a candidate of such high caliber to fill these positions,” Commander Yow was stating.

“Thank you, Commander. I, too, was pleased to discover that this position would be offered to me. I look forward to contributing all I can.”

“Wonderful! We will look forward to seeing you here on a permanent basis. Have you had a chance to view your residence? Is all adequate?”

“Quite adequate, Commander. I will arrange for my transfer from the dormitory.”

With that, Spock walked across the grounds of the campus to the building where he had been temporarily assigned. Accessing his suite, he realized that there was little to arrange transportation for. Taking inventory of his belongings, there was very little here that was not Starfleet issue. Other than the black traveling outfit he had worn the day he reported to the Enterprise, a fire pot, and the medallion he had brought from Gol, nothing else would give an outsider any clue as to whose rooms these were.

The comm unit beeped. He pushed ‘receive’ and the face of James Kirk appeared on the screen.

“Admiral Kirk,” he stated, acknowledging the caller.

“Spock. How is everything going? I received word that you’re considering a position at Starfleet Academy. Have I heard right?” Jim studied the face on the screen. There was no indication of emotion of any kind.

“Actually, Admiral, I have accepted the position. I will be reporting to school at the beginning of the week.”

“As headmaster of the science department, if understood correctly.”

“That is correct, Admiral.”

“Spock, that’s great! I know they’re fortunate to get you. I’m preparing dinner this evening. I would like you to join me if you have no other plans for the night.”

“No, I have no other plans. I appreciate the invitation. What time would you like me to arrive?”

“Let’s say 1900 hours.” Jim paused for a moment and then added, “Spock, I want you to know that I’ve also invited Leonard McCoy. I hope you don’t have a problem with that.”

“Problem, Admiral?”

“What I’m saying, Spock, is that I hope you don’t mind spending the evening with the two of us.”

“No, I do not believe that will cause me undue concern. I will see you at 1900 hours.” The thought of being alone with these men caused his gut to tighten but his controls were kept firmly in place.

“Good, Spock. See you then.”

The comm unit went blank. Jim had known the man on the other end of that conservation for seven years, and in all those years he had never heard him so emotionless. Even when Spock was at his most “Vulcan” he had been quite animated. It was amazing what that man could do with just an eyebrow!

He called Leonard McCoy and advised him that dinner was on at his place at 1900 hours. “I told him you would be coming, too.” Jim said. “I didn’t want him to get the feeling we were ambushing him.”

McCoy took the well-intended point. “See ya at seven o’clock, Jim.” He hated military time. ‘It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!’ he thought to himself as the communication link closed.

Jim had prepared a vegetarian meal that consisted mainly of eggplant and cheeses. It would be covered in an Italian sauce he made with fresh basil and oregano. ‘Absolutely no ginseng or cinnamon in sight!’ he thought to himself. The smells coming from the kitchen were very tempting. He had decanted one bottle of French Café de Nuits, a robust burgundy, and had another ready to open. He surveyed the apartment; everything seemed in order.

The door signal sounded. ‘It’s show time!’ he thought. He keyed the access and walked to the entry. When the door opened and he saw Spock standing there, his heart jumped. Spock was wearing the black outfit he had worn the day he appeared on the bridge of the Enterprise. The sight of him took Jim’s breath away.

“Come on in, Spock,” he said as he stepped aside to allow him to enter.

“Good evening, Admiral. I hope I am on time.”

Jim knew he could set his watch by Spock. “Of course, come on into the main room. Dr. McCoy isn’t here yet, but I’m sure he’ll be joining us shortly. A glass of wine?”

“Yes, thank you,” Spock nodded as he removed the black cape and hung it in the closet in the foyer.

Jim poured two glasses of wine and, as Spock entered the room, he handed one to him. He indicated the couch and said, “Have a seat Spock. Did you get settled into your new quarters today?”

“Thank you,” Spock sat on the couch. “Yes, everything seems in order.”

“The new term will be starting soon?”

“In ten days. However, until then, I will be reviewing curriculum and staff assignments.”

“Why did you decide to take the position at Starfleet Academy?” Jim was searching to find topics to fill the conversation, but with this question Spock had a glimmer of emotion, at least compared with the stoic behavior he had displayed recently. Jim continued, “I know your mother is a teacher, did that play a roll in your decision?”

Before Spock could answer, the door signal sounded. “That’ll be Bones. Please, excuse me a moment,” Jim said.

He got up and ushered McCoy into the apartment.

“Well, hello, Spock! I haven’t seen you since we got back! How are things going?” McCoy was smiling ear-to-ear. Spock was not.

“Quite well, Doctor, and you?” Spock asked, formally.

Jim poured McCoy a glass of wine. “Spock’s taken a position with Starfleet Academy. Spock, perhaps you could bring Leonard up to date while I finish up dinner.”

He left the two men in the room, discussing their career choices while he put the finishing touches on the meal. Jim just stood for a moment in the kitchen catching his breath. Having the three of them here, together, was sending his emotions into overload. When he had calmed down he finished preparing the plates.

When Jim brought the plates in and placed them at the table they got up and went to the table. Jim indicated for each to have a seat. “Would you care to drink the wine, or would either of you prefer a cup of tea?”

“This is fine, Jim,” McCoy answered.

“Yes, this will be satisfactory,” agreed Spock.

Dinner progressed with each talking about the mission they had just finished, as well as their individual plans. All had decided to stay with Starfleet, and all were to be stationed in San Francisco. Of course they would all be in different areas of service, but Jim found it comforting that they were, once again, growing close. Tonight, the embers of friendship that the three of them had shared seemed to be glowing again.

Even Spock had become noticeably more animated over the meal. Once they had finished eating, Jim suggested that they move back to the main room. Rising from his seat, Spock picked up two plates and headed toward the kitchen. “Just leave it, Spock, I’ll throw all of that in the recycler later.”

“I do not mind,” the Vulcan answered as he proceeded to carry his and McCoy’s plates to the kitchen. Jim picked up his and followed. The kitchen was set up in galley style to allow one person easy access to both the work surfaces and the cooking area. However, it did not allow for easy passage should there be more than one in the small room. When Spock sat the plates on the counter and turned around, Jim found that they were standing chest to chest. They stood there for a moment just looking at each other. Jim was unsure about Spock, but he was certain that during that brief time he forgot to breathe. When Jim turned to the side to set his plate down, Spock slipped past him, their bodies briefly brushing together. With just that brief contact, Jim felt a shiver of emotion run through him. It was the same feeling he got when Spock had gripped his hand in sickbay. When he turned back, Spock was gone.

Collecting himself, he proceeded to the main room. Leonard had already opened the liquor cabinet and poured each some brandy. McCoy handed each a snifter as they entered the room. Spock reclaimed the place on the sofa where he had sat prior to the meal, while McCoy took one chair and Jim sat in the other. Jim perched on the edge of the chair holding the glass of brandy with both hands and looked directly at Spock. “You didn’t have a chance to tell me why you accepted a position with the academy. May I ask you why?”

The thought ran through Spock’s mind that he could not lie to this man. However, the truth was not wise either. “I felt it was where I could put my experience to the most good for all,” he replied. Not a lie, just an omission.

“Spock...” Jim hesitated. “Do you mind if I ask you some rather personal questions? I don’t want to do anything that will cause you to go away again. But...there are things...from the past, that I would like to discuss.” Those were the hardest words he had ever had to say to Spock. He was afraid of the response, unable to conceive of life without this man as his friend.

“Admiral, you, either of you, may ask anything you wish. I will do my best to respond. I have no intention of leaving.”

Leonard sat there just watching them. If there had been an electric meter in this room, the amount of emotionally charged static electricity would have been off the scale. He could feel the hair on his neck standing up. He knew what he wanted, what he needed. It was all in the hands of the men in front of him. So he sat, watched, and listened.

“Spock, first I want to apologize to you for my actions during the last days of the original mission. Bones told me about the discussion the two of you had. I’ve always had a predilection toward jumping to conclusions where personal relationships are concerned. It’s something I learned early in life. But the fact is, I was feeling much more than just coerced by you, but by Starfleet as well. I denied it to myself at the time, but I had known for weeks that they had something else in mind other than an assignment to another ship.”

“Jim, it is I who owes you an apology. I should never have let my emotions take over. It was a flaw in my judgment that caused the situation. Had I never approached either of you regarding my inability to control these emotions, all would have been well. I have taken steps these last years to assist me in the understanding of this deficit in hopes that it will no longer be a factor in our relationship.”

“Is that what you meant by a ‘flaw in judgment’ Spock? Your inability to hide your emotions? Is that what you think?” Relief flooded Jim’s body as he realized that Spock saw the inability to control his emotions as the flaw! “Do you really believe that to ignore your feelings will make everything fine? I hate to differ with you, my friend, but I see you as the only one of us who had the courage to address what we were all feeling.”

Spock looked at McCoy who saluted his glass in agreement with what Jim had said.

Spock looked between the two men. There was something much greater than a misunderstanding that had driven Jim from his room that evening. Steeling his courage, Spock asked, “Jim, in the commons on the last afternoon, you said you had found your answers. Have you found that which you were seeking?”

Jim looked down at the floor and swirled the liquid in the glass. “My answers? I think I have just recently realized the questions.”

Bones leaned forward, unable to be silent any longer. “What are the questions you’ve had, Jim?”

Kirk took a sip of the brandy, and a long breath. “Whether or not I am willing, or for that matter able, to function productively as Chief of Operations, if I could still command if I was called upon to do so, and if I’m stronger with the two of you at my side than in your absence. Now I know the answers to those. Yes. Yes, to all. However, whether or not I can stop being afraid of losing myself, my control, to another... I don’t know. I don’t know that I could ever face that happening again.”

“What do you mean, again? Hell, Jim, I’ve never met anyone as in control as you’ve always been. You’ve always known exactly what you wanted and gone after it with both barrels! Why is control such an issue with you?”

Jim’s gaze slid from Leonard to Spock where he was met with an arched eyebrow. They both deserved an answer, but how could he explain. He rose from the chair and walked to the window. This time, he only saw the images of the men seated behind him reflected in the glass. And both were waiting for him to offer an explanation that he, himself, found hard to face. How could he tell them of that time? Even these men, who were as much a part of him as his own arms and legs could surely not understand what had happened so many years before.

Then he looked at his own reflection. Much the same as he had seen in the mirror days before, he saw a man who was alone. And he knew if he wasn’t honest about this demon that haunted him, he was forever dooming himself live a life filled with nothing but solitude. There were only two he would ever entrust this story to. Both were sitting patiently, waiting.

“Because I gave up all of myself to another a very long time ago. On that night in your cabin, I had those same feelings toward the two of you, and it scared the hell out of me.”

Chapter 19

He took a deep breath and turned to face the men in the room. “What do you know about the events on Tarsus IV?”

Bones shrugged, “Only what you told us when we came across Anton Karidian and his daughter, Lenore. Turns out, he was actually Kodos the Executioner, and Lenore had made it her mission to kill anyone who could identify him. As far as the events of Tarsus IV goes, I know very little. I know that Kodos ordered the extermination of thousands and there were only a handful of people who’d ever seen him close enough to be able to identify him. You, Jim, were one of them. You must’ve been about thirteen at the time, but I never knew what you were doing on that planet when that was going on. I’ll admit, I tried to pull the records, but they’d been sealed and it would’ve taken a clearance higher than mine to view them. After that, I dropped it. I assumed if you ever wanted to talk about it, you would.”

Spock nodded in agreement. “I did access the records, and the only additional information included in it was the names of those who had been witness to the executions. Of those, only yourself and Ensign Kevin Riley survived Lenore Karidian’s quest to protect her father’s true identity.”

McCoy sat up straight in the chair. “Jim, is that what all of this is about? Does it have something to do with what happened to you back then?”

“Yes,” Jim nodded, “then, and later. Even the records wouldn’t have helped. No one knows the whole story. I guess you’ve realized that my relationship with my father had never been a close one. He always thought our mother pampered Sam and I too much. Especially me, being the youngest and there not being any possibility of other children after I was born. He may have been right. Hell, there wasn’t a dammed thing that we could do that was wrong in her eyes, and we were hellions!

“We had both attended the local schools, and since I wouldn’t hear of Sam going without me, I had completed all the courses for graduation by the time I was thirteen. It all came very easy to me, too easily, I guess. Anyway, Sam and I graduated in the same class.

“Right after graduation, my father announced that Sam had been accepted to the Starfleet Academy School of Sciences and would be leaving at the end of the week. He had always thought that was the only direction for either of us. Family tradition and all of that, you understand. Well, since Sam was off to the academy and I didn’t meet the age requirements, he told us that a friend of his had arranged for me to go to the Tarsus IV colony. While there, I would be tutored in quantum mathematics and flight principles, all to get me ready to enter the same program two years later.

“Mother insisted, against my father’s wishes, that she would not allow my going alone. After several days of loud arguments, she and I met the man who would transport us to Tarsus. Wynona Kirk was not one to be told what she could and could not do.” A small smile slid across Jim’s lips, but just as quickly, it disappeared.

“The trip itself took several weeks, but during the journey, the man escorting us taught me a lot about the operation of a ship. It piqued my interest, but I was still certain that this wasn’t the life for me. Upon arriving on Tarsus IV, we were introduced to the Leightons’. Tom’s father was one of the finest minds in the galaxy and he took me under his wing and set me on the path to the stars. Mother stayed in one of the settlements located several kilometers away.

“Oh sure, I spent the first few weeks missing Sam, and the life we had lived on the farm. I didn’t want to spend my life in Starfleet. I wanted to breed horses and raise hay. At that point in my life, the only thing the stars meant to me was that they kept my father away, along with his demands. Something, at the time, I was grateful for. But after working with Dr. Leighton for a few weeks, I was hooked. I read everything I could get my hands on about space travel and the new planets that were being discovered with the expansion into the Beta quadrant.”

Jim took a sip from the glass and sat it on the table beside the chair he had occupied earlier. It had been a long time since he had allowed himself to revisit these old wounds. With a deep breath, he continued. “During our sixth month on Tarsus, just before my fourteenth birthday, the rumors began about the food stores becoming depleted. Most didn’t believe it was serious. After all, there were transports on the way. But Kodos and a handful of colonists revolted and instituted their own warped sense of survival. Execution of those they considered the least valued members of the colony soon began. Travel either between the settlements or off the planet was forbidden. Dr. Leighton had warned me that travel was dangerous, but on the evening before my birthday I left to try to get to the settlement where my mother was staying.

“The roads were blocked, and before daybreak I had to turn back. Hiding in the brush, I watched as a whole colony got hacked to death when they clashed with a band of Kodos’ revolutionaries. It wasn’t until then that I realized just how serious the situation had become. When I finally got back to the Leighton’s, they were gone. It wasn’t until years later that I discovered Tom had been the only member of his family to survive. I never asked him how. With the horrors I saw later, I didn’t want to know.”

Jim shoved his hands in the pockets of his trousers; it seemed the only way to stop the tremor in his hands. “It took nearly another month of hiding and scavenging to get to the settlement where my mother had been staying. When I got there, her place had been torn apart and she was gone. I asked around to find out what had happened, and discovered that, as a noncontributing member of the settlement, she had been taken by one of Governor Kodos’ soldiers. I located one of the local authorities, but when I realized that I, too, was going to be taken into custody, I ran.

“The next weeks were spent hiding out, listening and asking questions of only those I thought I could trust, trying to find the destination where my mother had been taken. Eventually, I did find her...” He paused; reliving the scene he had witnessed on that day. When he thought he could trust his voice to be steady, he continued. “...but there was little left of the woman who had raised me. She was dirty, raped and starved. She, along with several other females, had been taken from the extermination fields and into...into a back alley room controlled by one of the movement’s commissioners.

“Held prisoner there, she was forced to submit to the soldiers.” He squeezed his eyes shut then opened them. He had not spoken of this in over twenty five years, and found the pain was no less now. “When she finally recognized me, she told me to go to the friend of my father’s who had transported us to Tarsus. She was certain that he was on the planet because he had come to her the day before her arrest trying to get her to leave. But she had refused; not believing the rumors could be true. And...although she didn’t say so...I’m sure she didn’t want to leave without me.”

Jim felt frustrated. He only wanted to supply these men with the information regarding that time. But his voice kept betraying his deep emotions. “ With her last breath, she demanded ‘Find him.’ It was...the last thing she would ever say.” His voice cracked, but he was determined to get through this. “I heard people approaching, so I left her there, on that filthy cot...dead.” Jim looked over to Spock, avoiding McCoy’s eyes. He knew if he were going to find the strength to continue, it would not be in the emotions of Leonard, but in the stoic face of this Vulcan friend. Spock did not disappoint him.

“Two men entered the room and I managed to hide behind a stack of crates just in time. One, Kodos, ordered the other to clean up the mess and return the living women to the extermination fields and do away with the bodies of the rest. He shouted that if the commissioner took any others for his own profit, he would be the next to feel the power of the generators. Then, in the process of surveying the room, Kodos spotted me. But before either one of them could get a good grip on me, I got away. Of those two men, the commissioner I would see slashed to death in the streets. The other, I didn’t see again until Karadian came to be on the Enterprise.”

Spock sat stone faced with his veneer firmly in place, except for the vein that bulged on the side of his neck. When Jim finally dared a look toward Leonard, wide blue eyes were staring at him, the color nearly drained from his face. “Jesus Christ! Jim! I’m…so sorry. I never knew,” Bones uttered, almost in disbelief.

Jim shook his head and waived his hand. “That, I have been able to deal with,” he said, but not for a second did he believe it. And one look told him that his words weren’t convincing his very human, very emotional friend. “Eventually, I found the man my mother had told me to go to. By the time I showed up on his doorstep, I was near death myself. He had been expecting me. Through some of the informants, he had already heard there had been a woman found dead from abuse, a wife of a Starfleet officer, and that she had a son who was hiding on the planet. Kodos was demanding that I be turned over. So, there was a price on my head. Anyone who was caught helping me knew what would happen to them, Starfleet officer or not.

“But, he never hesitated. Over the next months he fed me, when food could be found, clothed me, and used all of his power to protect me against those who wanted me killed. The transports did arrive, and before we left the planet, he found the man who had kidnapped my mother. Without so much as a second thought, he slashed the assailant’s throat. Seeing the animal who had held her in that filthy hole, lying in the street, his blood oozing from him, did a lot to start the healing process. The other, the leader of the movement, Kodos, had disappeared and was reported dead.”

Jim stopped. The pain in those hazel eyes, excruciating hurt that they could only imagine, was obvious to the men seated in the room as Jim remembered those days. He was, for this moment, reliving the horror of more than twenty-seven years before. “That is not all, is it?” Spock asked, bringing Jim back to the present.

Jim shook his head, and whispered, “No, it’s not.” Clearing his throat, he turned back to the window. He could not face them, not if he was going to tell them all that happened.

“You have to understand, he was everything to me. He was the father who I had never really known, the mother who was dead, and the friend who I had never had in anyone except my brother. He was risking everything to protect me.

“At first I was just numb. But once it was all over and the realization of what happened hit me, I was inconsolable. He held me against him every night until I had cried myself to sleep. Safeguarding me. He taught me to be strong; to live for what would come and not for what was in the past. Every night he continued to hold me, and over those next months, he taught me what it was like to lay with a lover and give all of myself, my mind, my will, and my body, to another. He took me, a fourteen-year-old boy, to his bed and, in turn, rescued me from the horrors I had witnessed on that damned planet.”

Jim heard a sharp intake of air from behind him, but if he turned to them now, he would never finish. Ignoring the sound, he continued, “He brought me back to Earth and, with the aid of Mallory, arranged for an exception to be made so I could be enrolled in Starfleet and be with Sam. But it never was the same between my brother and me after I came back. Sam and I were so different by that time. He seemed to get over our mother’s death much quicker that I had, but he hadn’t been there to see what had happened to her, or to watch her die. In later years, he told me that after that, I had always seemed much older than he. Maybe he was right.

“But, for more than two years after returning me to Earth, this man was a mentor to me. All of my weekends and breaks were spent with him, on rare occasions his family would join us, but it was usually just the two of us, and all that that implies. When I was seventeen, he was given command of a ship and left San Francisco. It took a while, but eventually I could see him for what he had really been to me. Yes, he had saved my life and set me on a path that, till this day, I’m grateful for. However, by letting him control me, I paid dearly. I paid him with what was left of my youth.” Leaning forward in his chair, Leonard balled his fingers together so tightly that his knuckles became white. He placed his forehead against his fists and closed his eyes. After swallowing the lump of anguish and anger that had formed in his throat, he looked up toward the man standing before the dark window. When he could trust his voice not to break, he asked, “Jim, what happened to him? Is he still in Starfleet?”

Jim turned to face them. He felt sorry for the anguish he had brought to both the warm, blue eyes, and the deep brown ones that even the Vulcan facade could no longer hide. But knew he had done the right thing, maybe for the first time in many years. Jim shook his head. “No, he died several years ago.”

“You are, of course, speaking of Commodore Matt Decker,” Spock said through a clenched jaw.

Chapter 20

Jim walked to the table beside the chair and retrieved the glass of brandy, tossing the rest of the amber liquid down his throat. Spock knowing that the identity of the man was Matt, made him very uncomfortable.

Bones had stood up and paced the distance to the dining area. At this, he turned back toward Jim and Spock, and asked, “You knew? How? Jim, is he right? Was it Matt Decker?”

“Spock, how did you know? You haven’t heard this elsewhere, have you?” There was a hint of panic in Jim’s voice that he couldn’t disguise. This was something he had spent his life hiding from others.

Spock shook his head. “No, Jim, I have heard this from no one. It is a matter of simple observation. In the many years we served together, there was only one individual who seemed to feel he had the right to demand your obedience in the way Commodore Decker attempted it. He seemed quite taken aback that you were not willing to become subservient to him. It was as if your capability to assert yourself came as a shock to him. At the time, I suspected that there had been an intimate relationship. And, in part, I believe his lack of control over you was his undoing.”

Jim looked down at his hands and realized his knuckles were clenched tight. “You may be right,” he said barely above a whisper. “The one thing I never thought to tell him, was ‘no’.”

“That’s the son-of-a-bitch who raped you?” McCoy breathed.

Rape? Matt had never forced him against his will. “Bones, he never raped me. What I gave to him, what he took from me, I gave freely. And, even though it was the one lesson Matt hoped I would never learn, he was the one who taught me long ago to never, never again, give up control to anyone. It’s a lesson I seem to keep forgetting.”

“Didn’t rape you? You were little more than a child, for God’s sake! He coerced you into his bed! He molested you! Where was your father during this?”

“Believe me Bones, after all I’d seen, I was certainly not a child. And no one knew about the horrors that were happening on Tarsus until it was over. My father never accepted the death of my mother, or, I think, the guilt he carried for our being there. Sam and I saw very little of him after that. He was killed in an accident in my freshman year. We never had a chance to discuss anything that had happened, either on Tarsus, or between Matt and myself.”

“You couldn’t go to anyone about what was happening with Decker?”

“Go to someone and admit what I had allowed for so long? Not a chance. Sam suspected and asked me if I was letting Decker fuck me, but I belted him. The subject never came up again. At the time, I saw no need to do anything but hide what we were doing. I knew very well what was going to happen between us when we were alone. Was he wrong? No doubt. But I chose to give him all that I was. After that, I swore to never give that much of myself again. And then…” he shrugged.

“You felt as if we had once again stripped away your control,” Spock said.

Jim nodded, for the first time since starting the story, as hint of a smile appeared on his face. “Yeah, for the first time since I was sixteen years old, I had that same feeling of wanting to give you all that I was. And, because I was running from old demons, I threw away something that could have been good for all of us.”

“Jim,” Bones said softly as he walked back to the living room and, tucking one leg beneath him, seated himself on the sofa beside Spock, “you may not have been a child, but you were young and having to face more horror than most adults ever have to face in a lifetime. He took advantage of that. What you did afterwards, what you became after those years, is a testament to your strength.”

Jim swept both men with his gaze. How could he have ever believed these men would attempt to control him in the same way Decker had for so long? No, what he wanted to give to them, he would give with pleasure. It was no more than they were willing to give back. He looked toward Spock. The face was hardened and the eyes were dark. “Spock?”

The eyes turned to him. “Yes, Jim.”

“Tell me what you’re feeling.”

“Intense anger. As a Vulcan, I do not believe in violence. However, had I known this when I had him in my presence, I believe I would have had the propensity to cause him great harm.”

“Spock, Bones, I’ve been able to leave this in the past. I think, in part, because of the two of you and what you mean to me. I decided early on that I couldn’t let him win. I couldn’t let him control me for the rest of my life. I want you, both of you, here with me. I’m stronger with you than without you. But I need to know you can get past this. That Matt Decker’s reach will not extend into what we have with each other. That his power over us has ended. You needed to understand why I worked so hard to push you out of my life and why I couldn’t ask you to stay, not then. And, to know how sorry I am for hurting both of you.”

Spock nodded and straightened. “Jim, had the day I left for Vulcan gone differently, it would not have mattered. I would not have been able to stay, even if you had asked.”

“Why, Spock?” Jim asked.

“I had allowed myself to become consumed by my emotions. My ability to concentrate had diminished. I had begun to put you both above my duty. I could no longer disassociate my obligations with my concern for your well being. It became impossible to function efficiently when your safety was in question. On that night, I gave in to the emotions that I had fought against, and in doing so, I failed not only you, but all that I believe in. Gol was the only answer for me. I could not have stayed, even with your acceptance. Even when advised that Leonard was waiting at the entrance.”

He turned to the man seated beside him and, as he covered the smaller hand with his own, he continued, “I chose the path of betrayal instead of allowing you to see me in the state I was in. Forgive me. I did not possess the strength to see you. Had I given in to the urge to go to you, I would have been lost. I was not the man you had known, and you could not have respected that which I had become. And, even though I failed to purge myself of my emotions, I had time to discover how to better direct them.”

With the feel of the warm hand as it covered his, Leonard had to fight to keep the surge of emotions that had been churning inside from undoing him. Spock had known he was at Gol. But what did that matter now? It was as if his heart was erupting within his chest and the hopelessness that he felt when he had left Vulcan was finally abating. The lump in his throat threatened to burst as he asked, “So you have found your answers?” He turned his hand over and gripped the warm hand with his own.

Spock saw blue eyes as they sparkled with forgiveness. He felt the cool hand turn beneath his own and clutch his fingers tightly, as if his hand was a lifeline to this gentle being. Jim sat down in the chair across from him, and Spock turned to the hazel eyes looking at him from underneath a fringe of golden lashes.

“Did you, Spock? Did you find your answers with V’ger?” Jim asked.

Spock looked at Jim, “My answers were never with V’ger, nor were my answers on Vulcan.”

“Then have you found your answers?”

“Yes, I believe I have.”

“What are they, Spock?”

Those hazel eyes pierced his soul. He realized he could not keep his composure around these men anymore than he could stop breathing. Feeling his resolve weaken, he answered, “I needed to discover if my answers lay in logic, or elsewhere. The answer is elsewhere.”

Jim watched Spock’s mouth move when he spoke, watched the eyes become so very black. Was he ever going to be able to be around him and not be aroused? He looked at McCoy. Jim realized that these two men were the foundation of his very being. He found the answer to his third question. Yes, he could give them every part of himself. His life would have no meaning without these two in it. No more so than if someone removed his heart.

“Spock, why are you taking the position at Starfleet Academy?”

No more omissions...time had arrived for the full truth. Spock’s gaze never wavered as he said, “Because you are here. My answer is to stay as near as possible to the both of you, in whatever capacity either of you will allow. To serve you both in any way I can, to undo any pain I have caused.” He looked back to the man seated beside him. “To be with you. My answer is ‘you’.”

Jim sat in the chair looking at the two men who made him feel alive. The two who he desired with an intensity that was threatening to incinerate him. Jim made a decision. He couldn’t just turn away from this; his days of running away were over. “Bones, Spock, the last time we discussed what we felt for each other, I did everything in my power to hide my feelings from you. I’m through hiding from you, and from myself. I will never be afraid of losing my control, not to you. You are my control. I may be able to lead without you, but I have no balance without you.” Jim stood up, and after a hesitant moment, he walked to the sofa where they were seated. His arousal was unmistakably obvious. He was trembling, and his voice shook as he said, “My needs, my wants, my fears, are all yours to see. If you can accept that, if you can accept me, then…” he held out his hands toward them.

Grasping the hand as he had done in sickbay, Spock rose from the sofa and stood in front of Jim. The gold-green eyes grazed down his body, and when the face looked back to him, there was smile that melted the remnants of Spock’s Vulcan facade. Reaching out, he placed one arm around Jim’s waist and pulled him close. Spock knew these men were his soul. He had been afraid he would lose himself to them, but instead he was found, and loved. Spock brushed his lips against the golden fringe above one eye. He reached out his hand and pulled the other, his other, into the embrace.

Jim could feel Spock’s body quivering and he knew the emotions were tearing away the shields they had all spent years building.

Jim wrapped his arm around McCoy and pulled him tight to them. His noticed Bones’ face was wet. Jim wasn’t sure, but he thought his might be as well. “No turning back?” he asked of them both.

“No, Jim,” Spock purred into his neck where he had buried his face. His erection was pressing into Jim’s hip and his voice was becoming rough.

“Bones?” Jim asked.

“No, never,” Leonard responded with a ragged whispered just before he found Jim’s mouth with his own.

Mouths searched and hands roamed. Their bodies became warm and damp with passion. When gasps turned into moans, and simple embraces were no longer enough, Jim pulled away from them and backed up. In ragged breaths, panted, “I need you. I need you, both. If you mean it...if there really is no turning back, then I think it’s time to move to my bedroom. I think we’ll be much more comfortable there.”

Jim found himself immediately surrounded by them, and before there was time to draw even another breath, he was being swept through the arch that led to the remainder of the apartment.

>Finis<