Revenge
Breakdown
Case Of Mr. Pelham, The
Back For Christmas
Wet Saturday
Mr. Blanchard’s Secret
One More Mile To Go
Four O’Clock
Perfect Crime, The
Lamb To The Slaughter
Dip In The Pool
Poison
Banquo’s Chair
Arthur
Crystal Trench, The
Incident At A Corner
Mrs. Bixby And The Colonel’s Coat
Horseplayer, The
Bang! You’re Dead
I Saw The Whole Thing

(MoTR=Museum of Television & Radio in New York, Ch26=Channel 26 in Chicago, SvT=Swedish TV)

Revenge
Good evening. I´m Alfred Hitchcock and tonight I´m presenting the first in a series of stories of suspense and mystery called, oddly enough Alfred Hitchcock Presents. I shall not act in these stories but will only make appearances. Something in the nature of an accessory before and after the fact. To give the title to those of you who can´t read and to tidy up afterwards for those who don´t understand the endings. Tonights playlet is really a sweet little story. It is called ‘Revenge’. (following line not at MoTR) It will follow... oh dear, I see the actors won´t be ready for another 60 seconds. However, thanks to our sponsors remarkable foresight, we have a message that will fit in here nicely

Well, they were a pathetic couple. We had intended to call that one ‘Death of a salesman’ but there were protests from certain quarters. Naturally Elsas husband was caught, indicted, tried, convicted, sentenced and paid his debt to society for taking the law into his own hands. You see, crime does not pay. Not even on television. You must have a sponsor. Here is ours, after which I´ll return. (clip) That was beautifully put. In fact, after hearing that, there´s nothing more I wish to add, so good night until next week (at MoTR, so good night un ... (cut))

Breakdown
Oh, Good evening. I’ve been reading a mystery story. I find them very relaxing. They take my mind off my work. These little books are quite nice, of course they can never replace hard cover books. They’re just good for reading, but they make very poor door stops. Tonights story by Louis Pollock is one that appeared in this collection. I think you will find it properly terrifying but like the other plays of our series it is more than mere entertainment. In each of our stories we strive to teach a lesson or point a little moral. Advice like mother used to give: You know, walk softly but carry a big stick. Strike first and ask questions later, that sort of thing. Tonights story tells about a business tycoon and will give you something to ponder, if you have ever given an employee the sack, or if you intend to. (following line not at MoTR) You´ll see it, after the sponsors story, which like ours, also strives to teach a little lesson or point a little moral.

Well that was a bit of a near thing. It reminded me of my own situation. Imagine if you can the terror of being inside a television set, knowing that any moment the viewer may shut you off and being powerless to prevent it. And I go through this every week. My only consolation is that some portions of our programme are so fascinating that they hold the viewers spellbound. Such an episode follows immediately and then I´ll be back again (clip) There now, that really held you in suspense, didn´t it? For more of the same, I recommend you tune in next week at this time. I shall see you then. Bon Soir.

Case Of Mr. Pelham, The
Good evening. Due to circumstances beyond our control, tragedy will not strike tonight, I´m dreadfully sorry, perhaps some other time. However, I have just witnessed a sneak preview of this evenings story and I found it simply frightening. Sometimes death is not the worse that can befall a man and I don´t refer to torture or any type of violence. I mean the quiet, little insidious devices that can drive a man out of his mind, like putting bubblegum in someones coat pocket. Tonights little frolic is called ‘The Case Of Mr. Pelham’.

But I´m Alfred Hitchcock, I am, I can prove it. (Sure, sure, everybody is) I am, I insist... An astounding hoax. He carried off the impersonation brilliantly except for one thing. Bubblegum in his pocket, indeed. Alfred Hitchcock wouldn´t be caught dead with a bubblegum in his pocket. (shot) Poor chap. Will you excuse me? I need a moment to pull myself together. (clip) You know, I believe commercials are improving every day. Next week we hope to have another one, equally fascinating and if time permits, we shall bring you another story. (from clip, taken out in MCA Home Video release. Hitch in stripy tie)

Back For Christmas
Oh, Good evening ladies and gentlemen, especially the ladies. Now you see what might happen if you fall asleep under the dryer. Shrunken heads are a hobby of mine, collecting them of course not making them. Takes too long to make one, first of all you must wait until the original owner of the head dies. I haven´t the patience for that. As you have no doubt already guessed, tonights story has nothing what so ever to do with shrunken heads. It is called ‘Back For Christmas’.

I think the lesson of that story is worth repeating. Gentlemen, dig deep. (clip) That concludes our sideshow. We should be back next week to... Made in Texas... by Texans, with New Yorkers. I think I´d better be trodding off. I just decided to have my head sanforized. Good night.

Wet Saturday
(sign-moved to new location) Oh, Good evening. I´m so glad you found me. As you can see our... new quarters are rather modest, but we like the location and thought the change might do us good, also. (clip) And now, if you don´t mind, the time has come for what has become an institution for Britishers even for those who have been permanently exiled to the Barbarous regions of the world. (tea) Oh, speaking of institutions, here is an American one. It is called, a commercial. (This is the MoTR version-also in Ch 26) (from clip different presentation in New Series ‘Kandinsky´s Vault’ from 1988, but still on shelf with tea) And now if you don´t mind I would like to indulge in an old American custom. No matter how busy they are or what the surroundings may be. Americans never omit this quaint ritual. If you don´t care to join me, I think you´ll find our play is about to begin on one of the lower shelfs.

I presume that story was intended to illustrate that blood is thicker than water. I always find it heartwarming to see a family standing shoulder to shoulder in the face of adversity. Unfortunately the authorities were not thrilled by this sight and were seen tossing about such phrases as ´obstructing justice´, ´accessory after the fact´,´murder in the first degree´, very nasty. The Princey´s received substantial sentences. You see, unfortunately Captain Smollet didn´t play the game. When the police arrived he insisted on his innocence, thus confusing poor Millicent to such an extent that she re-innacted the crime with her father as the victim. Broke the croquet malley too. I´ll believe I´ll have another (pours tea) There´s no more vermouth, oh well. Fortunately, I still have plenty of olives. While I´m sipping this, I´d like you to savour the following commercial. (clip) (sips tea) That was exceedingly dry. Next week we shall be back at the same old stand, please drop in again. Good night. (Ch26 only to pours tea, new series ‘Kandinsky´s Vault’ only from sips tea, Next week-not at MoTR)

Mr. Blanchard’s Secret
Good evening, friends. Would you all please examine the tops of your television sets and see if one of you doesn’t find a goldfish bowl with a crack in it. (Holds out hand to feel rain) Thank you. By the way, I have been asked to announce that some of you are missing this programme unnecessarily. You have moved and not kept us informed of your address, so we don’t know where to send the show to you. I hope you’ll take care of that matter at once. Tonight we are presenting a tale of mystery and intrigue laid in middleclass suburbia. It is called ‘Mr. Blanchard’s Secret’. I realize this doesn’t tell you much about the story but several fine actors have been hired to do that and I would hate to rob them of the privilege.
(TV Land ending) And now as our cast scrambles for places behind the curtain, we offer this brief (untracked?) to divert you.
(different ending on Japanese laser disc) And so without further ado, we reveal Mr. Blanchard’s Secret. (after privilege)

(first part only on TV Land) So much for the fictional feature of our weekly magazine. Next we turn to a short (thatchual?) piece. As for myself, I´m continued on the backpages among the advertisements. (clip)
(first line after commercial only on Japanese LD) This concludes our show. (puts on hat)
(first line after commercial only on TV Land) That concludes our show until next week at this time. (puts on hat)
(rest on JapLD, TV Land & remake Murder In Mind, but differently shot) Now if you will excuse me, I must hurry off to a little social affair. A dear friend is guest of honour. It´s a stoning. I wouldn´t miss it for the world. Good night.

One More Mile To Go
Good evening. Most of you have doubtless read how Anne Boleyn lost her head. King Henry VIII, no longer fascinated said, let her be decapitated. Thereupon the legend goes, her ghost roamed about each night with utmost dignity and charm with her head tucked underneath her arm. Now with two heads it occurs to me, I can think more clearly than with three. However if the worst should come, one head´s a basic minimum. Therefore in my work, I hardly dare to roam about without one spare. Tonights legend tells of modern life, (close-up on Ch26) and how to solve a problem... wife. (rest only on Ch26) (picks up head) But first, kind friend, potential buyers. Heed this advise.

Moral-When your heart stops yearning, keep your taillight burning. (Now for the thumbscrews and the rack. Endure it please for I´ll be back. (clip) Thank you) One less mile to go. Next week another script another show. When electrons glide across your screen bringing some new and unforeseen brand of murder. I mean the quiet kind, perpetrated solely in our mind. A gentle thump, a soothing splash, no bullets, shriek or livid gash. No stains, no fumes, no ugly splatter. We use only the purest subject matter. Good night. (lines in brackets only on French TV copy, cut out in other version) (Ch26, only from Thank you)

Four O’Clock
(Presented by host winding a clock) For most of his history man has told time by such simple devices as hourglasses, sundials and clubsiderates. In case you don´t know what a clubsiderate is, it´s a water-clock. The first mechanical clock is attributed to Pope Sylvester II in AD 996. In Europe clockmakers were an exclusive set drawn from the ranks of jewellers, locksmiths, astronomers and priests. They kept their standards high and their prices higher. In America however, the first clockmakers were carpenters and mechanics. They soon learned how to achieve massproduction of good, cheap time pieces. Like the everyday common garden variety dollar and a half alarm clock. Without this combined history of European science and American gumption the central character in our story tonight might never have found the perfect weapon, for after all, there are difficulties in killing ones wife with a clubsiderate.
(Intro - clips with alarm-clock and sign of watchmaker shop from the following play (before intro) Suspicion Intro - "Suspicion-sign" flicks around with drawn face in the background.)

Perfect Crime, The
(Smoking a pipe) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and Dr. Watson wherever you are. (blowing bubbles) Tonights case is a ... (blowing bubbles), tonights case is called ‘The Perfect Crime’. I´m not sure who it was who said, a perfect crime is exactly the same as a perfect marriage. Their being perfect (beating bubbles) depends on you not being caught. Tonight we plan ... (beating bubbles) This is exactly why I never take my pipe to bed, if you fall asleep you can be bubbled to death. And now join me, if you will, while we contemplate ‘The Perfect Crime’. (blowing bubbles)

(Hitch in Courtney´s study) I regret to inform you that Courtney did not retain his last trophy very long, he was caught. A charwoman knocked over the precious vase breaking it into pieces. A few of them identifiable as ... bits of Mr. Gregory. You see the gold-fillings in his teeth had resisted the heat of the kiln, but all the good doctors and all the good police couldn´t put Mr. Gregory together again. As for the charwoman, she became the pride of the press. (toast of the tabloids at MoTR and on Ch26) Here is where the real historical significance of the case lies. Ever since, cleaningwomen the world over have been knocking over vases, trying to emulate her success. That´s all until next time when we shall be back with another, though imperfect crime. Good night. (at MoTR and Ch26, there was another ending) And now, less you conclude that crimes against society are in-variably punished, allow me to cite the following example, after which I´ll pop back. (clip) Indeed, there ought to be a law, but one of these days, he´ll be caught. Why don´t you tune in next week and see. Good night.

Lamb To The Slaughter
He gave me this ticket for blocking an aisle during the rush-hour. I don´t understand, I was in the slow lane. I´d just stopped a moment at the condimentshop where the store´s having a get-acquainted sale on Low Calorie Calories. Tonights play is not unrelated to this milieu. It is called ‘Lamb To The Slaughter’. But before we see it, the store has asked that I direct your attention to their very best bargain.

Well, that´s the way the old meat ball bounces. As for Mary Maloney, she would have gone scotfree if she hadn´t tried to do in her second husband the same way. Unfortunately he was the forgetful type and had forgotten to plug in the freezer. The meat was as soft as jelly. Speaking of plugs, that is precisely what our sponsor wants to do for his product. After which I´ll wheel back. (clip) And now, ladies and gentlemen, those of us who work in television, have a technical term for this part of the programme. We call it, The End. Next week we should be back with another story. (honk, honk) I must be going, I can´t risk another ticket. Good night.

Dip In The Pool
Oh, Good evening. I´m on vacation from the rigours of television and coming to you by remote pickup. Our cameras are quite ordinary but they are fastened to the longest exchanging cords in history. (Hitch in a sunstool with a book with himself on the cover) However, I find this vacation quite exhausting, shuffleboard simply cannot be played from the prone position. Incidently the captain informs me, that changing channels is not only fool-hardy but also extremely dangerous. So I don´t believe you ought to try it. I understand that in my absense you are to see a play based on the story ‘Dip In The Pool’. Having said that, I now return you to our studios. (moves in the chair and pulls a blanket over and continues to read)

You will be pleased to know that our story have a happy ending. The ship was delayed by engine-trouble so that Mr. Botibol won the pool. Regrettably Mr. Botibol was not there to enjoy the money, but his wife and her second husband had a very good time with it. Our voyage should be over in a few minutes but we are approaching rough water. I think I shall move nearer the railing. You stay here however, for I shall weave back in just one minute. (clip) That was worse than I expected. And to add insult to injury the captain has asked me to get off the ship. He claims I´m tipping it over. It´s absurd of course but all the passengers are with him. And it´s jump or be pushed. So until next week, bon voyage.

Poison
Good evening. Here we are in orbit once again. Most of tonights programme will be taken up with a story called ‘Poison’. (z) A rattlesnake. It´s a new warning devise I´ve instituted to sound an alarm when a pickpocket is at work. It comes in several sizes, including very small ones for ladies purses. (zz)... He´s very alert, this is far superior to ordinary burglar alarms for if the thief is foolharded enough to put his hand in the pocket... There are a few bugs in it, once when a thief put his hand in my pocket the snake became confused and struck in the wrong direction. The doctor had to put a tourniquet around my stomach. Unfortunately that proved to be the wrong stomach, it was the snake who died. (following line only on Ch26) I see that it is now what my sponsor calls..., high time. And here is what he thinks it is high time for.

For failing to call a doctor when his friend was bitten, Harry spent some little time in prison. Apparently the snake couldn´t keep his mouth shut. (following sentence only on Ch26) Which reminds me, I believe it is time for another message, however I shall be back. (clip) If you are interested in obtaining one of my pickpocket alarms..., good heavens, I´ve been robbed. Good night. (have this last sentence after clip on both copies but without first two words)

Banquo’s Chair
While away here. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to darkest Hollywood. Night brings a stillness to the jungle, it is so quiet you can hear a name drop. But the savage beasts have already begun gathering at the waterholes to quench their thirst. Now one should be especially alert. The vicious tablehopper is on the prowl. And the spotted backbiter may lurk behind a potted palm. In order to reach the scene of tonights story our little safari must now move inexorably and incomprehencebly from smoggy Hollywood to foggy London. Fortunately we make this sidetrip through the pure exhilarating air of commercial television.

Good evening again. Following that little presentation, I´m prepared to continue our safari through the jungles of Hollywood. As you can see I´m ready to hunt for the really big game, so I´ve hired a native guide. (snap) He claims to know exactly where the big ones are to be found. (snap) In order to flush the game from its hiding place we use a pack of fierce autograph hounds. Just yesterday they treed a big boar and before they could be stopped they had torn his dinner jacket to bits. Now, as an example of the flora and fauna of this area, we present a motion picture. This picture was shot under incredible conditions. We were in constant danger of the heat, native attacks and temperamental outbursts. 5 years in the preparation, a year in shooting, All destilled into one precious minute. But I see it´s time for me to keep an important appointment. I shall rejoin you following this, it will only take a minute. His time is valuable. (clip) I´m afraid I must press on until next week at the same time. My native bearers are getting restless. That last commercial frightened them. Coenga ! Macambo ! (walks off with his bearers)

Arthur
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and brooders. I decided to go into the eggbusiness. Like any other business it needs fresh ideas. Here is our latest design. (picks up pyramidal egg) Its advantages are obvious. No more eggs rolling off the table. Valuable storage space saved in the refrigerator. Unfortunately this particular innovation has not filtered down below the management level. Our executives quickly saw it´s possibilties, but the hen seem rather slow at grasping new ideas. This is one of our plastic models, we have a large number of them scattered about, to demonstrate to the hens what can be done if they put their minds to it. As you can see, we are using every psychological weapon at man´s disposal. (sign: THINK SQUARE) And now, perhaps this slogan will also give you strength, to bridge the gap between this vignette and tonights story.

There´s a very sad end to our story. Because of the excellent bone meat and blood meal Mr. Williams kept supplying them, his chickens grew to enormous size, then it happened. One day as he shouldered his way through the hungry flock. But it is too awful to describe. (rest at MoTR but cut on Ch26) Please re-join me in a minute, after I´ve pulled myself together. (clip) I have abondoned the egg-business. Our model was successful in only one case. One hen dutifully reproduced it perfectly, but unfortunately the uses of a plastic egg are rather limited. It appears to be time to say good night. Next week we shall be back with another story.

Crystal Trench, The
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I thought I would cut this rope since it seems to be obstructing my path. I can´t seem to find my partner, he was here a moment ago then let out a cry and disappeared. (slit) My my. I seem to have made a faux pas. My friend was on the other end of that rope. Rotten luck. He was also my business partner, but the show must go on. Tonight we are presenting a chilly little tale entitled ‘The Crystal Trench’. It follows at a respectful distance.

So much for our version of the Iceman Cometh. (ties the rope around him) I shall return for a final word in a moment. First we have come to one of those treacherous crevasses that riddle the glacier of television. (clip) I think I shall begin my descent..., before I become the source of a legend about an abdominal snowman. Next week I shall once again return with another story spiced together by commercials. Until then, good night. (starts descent, but is cut down) (Has been brought to you by - BRISTOL-MYERS and CLAIROL)

Incident At A Corner
(Presentation by Vera Miles) That´s the man I´m going to marry and I agree with every word he is saying. There was an incident, you see, involving the members of my family. They became caught up in a vicious web of lies and slander. It was like a mystery story. Only there was no murder, no corpse, not even a detective.

(Afterword by Vera Miles) It´s been a pleasure for me to appear on Ford Startime tonight. I hope you enjoyed our show. From all of us, from Ford and your Ford dealer, good night.

Mrs. Bixby And The Colonel’s Coat
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a new season of Alfred Hitchcock Presents. As has been our custom, we shall present homy little stories of an unusual nature. We shall continue to give the little man, or woman, his due. When crime is occasionally dealt with, it will be crime as practised by ordinary people, like the fellow next door. I think that by spring a large number of you will be thinking of moving. There is one aspect of this programme which has changed. If you have tuned in to hear me make snide remarks about an innocent sponsor, you are doomed to disappointment. I´m proud to say, I have resolved my antagonisms and have become completely sponsor oriented. I have met our new sponsor and find him (a halo appears) to be agreeable, charming, witty, honest, sincere, intelligent, dependable, trustworthy, loyal, brave, clean and reverent. Tonights show is entitled ‘Mrs. Bixby And The Colonel’s Coat’, but first, unfortunately, we have one (halo disappears) of those..., but first fortunately, we have one of those intelligent, amusing, dignified, provocative, brilliantly conceived, but painfully short commercials.

My honey-moon with the sponsor lasted just as long as the first commercial. As for my present mood, will it out-last the final commercial. You shall see in a moment. (clip) At least my sponsor doesn´t seem to be taking any action as the result of my attitude. (rope with snare is let down) Until next week, good night.

Horseplayer, The
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Someone had the brilliant idea that I should don this costume in order to dramatize the title of tonights play, it is called ‘The Horseplayer’. Just a moment, you forgot something. I´m sure you want to know, who authored this clever charade. His previous works include the following one-minute audio collage.

The sponsor is being unusually difficult about this matter of the horse costume. I´ve explained the labour-saving advantages of employing a real horse to do the work of two men but he is so enchanted with this pun of his, on the word horseplayer, that he insists on having it out with me. I should be back shortly. It will only take a minute to put him in his place. (clip) (music and two men in horse costume which splits into two)

Bang! You’re Dead
Good evening and welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents. The feature is about to commence. Please don´t be alarmed, we are not charging admission. This is not pay-TV. As usual, all we ask is that on those occasions when you can´t view our show that you let us know, so that we can send it to someone else. Please don´t be a no show.. (steps out of the movie box office booth) This is not a hold up. I wish to dramatize the titel of tonights play. (gun with BANG sign) Tonights story is called ‘Bang! You’re Dead’. Despite the fact that it has been introduced with my usual flippancy, it concerns a very serious subject, and I would be doing you a deservice if I led you to regard it lightly. Now I must hurry in to the theatre. For I don´t want to miss the beginning.
(from here only in remake + ch26) Fortunately I have a minute to find my seat before the feature starts, for it is preceeded by an unselected short subject. It´s the managements way of discouraging those who might stay through more than one show.

(first line to clip only on ch26) After an experience like that, we need something to break the spell and I have just the thing. I shall rejoin you in a moment. (clip)
On rare occasions we have stories on this programme which do not lend themselfs to levity. ‘Bang! You’re Dead’ is a case in point. We only hope that this play has dramatized for parents the importance of keeping firearms and ammunition out of reach of children. Accidents of this type occur far too frequently nowadays and the tragic fact is that with proper precaution they could be avoided. That is all for tonight. Please join us next week, when we shall return with another story. Until then, good night.

I Saw The Whole Thing
Good evening. I am organizing a key club. It seems to be the thing to do. For the uninitiated a key club is one which members can enter only if they possess a key. These clubs are terribly exclusive since membership is limited to men. My club is completely different, it is for women. Inside the club is everything a woman could want, including me. You see, I am the clubs only bunny. (clip) This evenings story is not about key clubs, it is about a man who finds himself in a unique predicament and is called ‘I Saw The Whole Thing’. If you wish to see the whole thing, I suggest you watch this spot closely for the next 60 minutes.

(middle announcement) We now take time-out to hear from an unscheduled witness, your local station. We´ve asked him to limit himself to the bare facts of the case, but unfortunately he is a garrulous fellow so I´m afraid you´re in for some extraneous details. (clip)
Oh back so soon? I thought you´d become lost among all those commercials, announcements, bulletins and reminders. Just in case you may still remember what happened in the first half of our story, we present one more distraction. (clip)

There is sad news about my new key club. It has become even more exclusive than we planned. The Sheriff is now our only member. We’ve been padlocked. (clip) I shall be back next week with another drama, scenes of which will appear in just a moment.