Pain.
The definition of pain is usually associated with physical things. A cut. A scratch. A bruise, a burn. At the time you have one,all you feel is pain. I wish I could go back to the days where the greatest "pain" I knew was a few paper cuts. Now I know pain is not physical, but something of the mind. Physical things heal. In time the "pain" you physically felt will be gone and only a scar will remain. This is not pain. To me, pain is a memory. Pain is an unforgettable instant that forever burns in your mind. For me, pain is guilt.

Sweat.
Sweat is something with a very distinct taste, nothing can compare. When you taste sweat and feel the slow marbly(what?) drops slide down your face, it triggers a feeling inside of you. Drops of sweat trickled down my face as I walked that night. It had been a tiring day and the walk wasn't the easiest, so I hid behind that as an excuse for the sweating. The real reason for my sweat was between HIM and me.

Nerves.
Nerves were the reason for all of my odd behavior that night. This feeling of nervousness was what killed me. I had no control, and control was I kept going.

Control.
Control was what drove me. Whenever I felt things were getting out of control reassuring myself was never hard. My dream was never to be skin and bone or to have that frail look; no, I wanted the control. I wanted choice. The mentality of my eating disorders was "Everything's goin wrong, I'm feeling nervous, I'm feeling scared, everything's changing, I need to have control." Others believe me to be another girl trying to have the best body for business. They think of me as another one of those girls who’s searching for her soul and confidence lost in the pages of today, but it was never like that. It was the feeling of accomplishment whenever I resisted hunger that brought that twisted smile to my face. With every scream my body made I became more and more pleased because I was resisting something I wanted. However, like all good things, these feelings of having made it, of having succeeded, vanished as quickly as I did. The growls only intensified my pain soon after and the result was a stab to the stomach and total realization that I will never have total control.

Through out the walk, I grew more nervous. Various times I thought of pulling over and purging, knowing that this could bring the dreams of control back. I smiled that same twisted smile as I thought of everything rushing up and out of my body. In the blink of an eye, temporary control could be accomplished. I thought of David who was accompanying me on this walk to the Bistro Lucio in Midtown. We had barely talked in the past months and had only spoken a few words since we left the Bay Ridge Lodging House. At first I thought, hoping to convince myself, he wouldn’t mind. It was David. David would understand my need. I thought of Lawrence. He had been alright with it all, he understood at first. Eventually, even he began to think I was out of hand though. If he thought this, what would David think? He had a lower tolerance level for my stupidity and mistakes. His expressions could bring shame to me; they were forever imprinted on my mind. How could I do that to him? I shook my head furiously, silently promising myself I would do nothing...for now.

"So..." David began.

"So..." I replied.

There was an awkward and uncomfortable period of silence. Both of us were secretly wondering how a conversation between two best friends could result to nothing but "so's."

"How've ya been," he said stuttering. "Ya look good."

I immediately looked down at my feet. I kicked dust and watched it violently rise before settling down to rest in a foreign land, never settling in the same place twice. My face was emotionless.

"Thanks." I finally said. "Ya don't look too bad yaself." I smiled and finally made eye contact.

Pierre was back. My thoughts were now focused on him. It was I who brought him into the lives of Lawrence and David all those years ago. We were a group of orphan runaways and he was one too so to them it fit. I had trusted him. I thought of him simply as another big brother type but that idea of him was far off. They never trusted him, but I, I Elizabeth Brush, was convinced. I had been wrapped around his finger. I shuddered remembering the day he began touching me, and lying to not only me but to the only two guys that cared about me. Pierre took it all too far, but revenge was simple and easy. Lawrence, David, and I anonymously turned him into the coppers as an orphanage runaway and then alone continued our journey.

I heard he made a large profit gambling one, or maybe two years later; after another escape. Because of his money, he gathered a following and had...simply put..."guys." He had power now. He had power and men. I hated to admit it, I hate to admit even now that I was sacred. Terrified. I was happy David had come to retrieve me and was glad we would all be reunited again. I was happy that once again I would be part of the gang, a member of the club, a player on the team. However, even these feelings couldn't disguise the fact I was scared. David looked over at me and grinned. He was going through the same emotions. I looked at him grinning. Confident. Reassuring.

"Ya know, everything's gonna be fine, right?"

"Yeah, I know. Oddly enough, I know."

The sand fell slowly in the hourglass. Together we hopped on carriages. We walked, we jogged. We had tested and proved the theory that "yawns are contagious." Finally, we arrived though. I giggled while I secretly spied Laurie combing his golden hair that looked as though it had been kissed by the sun, with her hand repeatedly. He was obviously nervous. I couldn't wait any longer so I dropped the small bag I had brought with me and ran over, collapsing into his arms. It felt good to be home in those arms. They were wrapped around me tight and I couldn't resist smiling wildly. I pulled away and gave him a peck on the cheek before stopping and almost by habit, staring into his eyes.

I could gaze into Lawrence's eyes forever and a half. His eyes were always changing colors and kept me fascinated for hours. They were truly enchanting. Today they were a bluish green. They struck me right away, jumping out at me even through the light fog. They called out for me and I had no difficulty answering. David began laughing. I knew he was laughing at me, I was in a daze. I didn't mind. I heard his laughter however in all honesty it took time for me to process the laugh. I was lost in the moment, frozen in time. I didnt want it to change.

"Where ya been kid?" Lawrence asked ruining the moment. I finally snapped out of it and after a moment of finding myself smiled. I had been silly to think I could escape. Escape life. Escape love. It was a cruel joke played by those viscous eyes, and I had let myself fall for it badly.

"Oh...um…around." I answered very delayed bringing I smirk to Lawrence's face.

"Lost in my eyes again are we?"

"Oh yes. You know it!" I looked over my shoulder to see David walking toward us. He put a hand on ym shoulder and one on Lawrence's as well.

"Stop flirting ya love birds." David joked. Neither Lawrence nor I was uncomfortable by this comment. What we had once was now over, and we had both moved on.

"Come on Jump, Dave; let's head in." Lawrence grabbed my bag, and with one swift movement heave dit over his left shoulder and grinned pushing open the door that led inside the Bistro

Chance. Choice.
Both can be evil things. I look back and can't help but think about how the outcome could have been changed by making different choices I've learned that the smallest things can alter a future. A push, a shove. They seem ridiculous but they can change a life time.

What Ifs.
I have grown to hate What ifs with a passion. The knowledge things could have ended differently, the wonder of how it could have been, is one of the most painful things of all. Had we not entered the Bistro that night, had we kept on moving, had I.......

Guilt.
The agony one feels when asking what if. A small panic grows inside of me and echoes. I can't control my own thoughts, my own curiosity. It always leads to the same thing, to this feeling that everything is my fault; that it didn't have to end how it did.

That first night at the Bistro went by quickly. Instead of getting drunk to celebrate our reunion Lawrence led me to where I would be sleeping. It was disappointing to find Monica had left. Monica had befriended me on a previous trip to the Midtown bar, and I later discovered she was none other than the sister of my good friends Oberon and Lion. Anyways, I'm sure it seems in place to think I tossed and turned that night. I would imagine many to think I had nightmares of Pierre and of his power. However, in all honesty, I was completely knocked out. I was both physically and emotionally drained. It didn't take much for me to give into the drooping eyelids and dry eyes.

Lawrence was particularly sweet that night. He tucked me into "my" bed without saying a word. Instead, he sang. His voice was one in a million. Lawrence hit the deepest notes with such ease and made hitting the higher notes seem easy. I watched his face as he sang "Veniki," a Russian folk song we had both learned together but never understood. "Veniki" was quick paces and thrilling. It was entertaining and just the thing to bring a smile to my face. When the song ended I applauded, but he was quick to hold my hands steady. There was a dramatic change in his mood and then he sang I was a virgin to hearing. The words automatically struck me as familiar, but the music, the melody, the notes, they were all new.

"Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" he sang. Instantly I felt calm. His voice was as soothing as a cold beverage in a parched man's throat. I was relaxed. I remembered the days of us as a duo. He had the voice. I had the dream. I saw nothing but darkness as he sang the last few words------

"Alleluia." There was a short pause, I heard sleep calling but resisted momentarily to mouth the last words as Lawrence sang "Amen." With that, I fell asleep.

"Get the fuck up Liz, you've been sleeping too much-no ones knocked ya up have they?"

I woke up to a very blunt David the next morning. I jumped up in "my" bed as he yelled for to awake from my slumber. I had forgotten where I was and who I was with at first. I sat up, sitting straight but feeling groggy as opposed to well rested.

"Morning, no I'm not pregnant, and yes I am offended ya would think so."

"Don't be like that, ya know I was joking." He walked over to me hugging me tightly and picking me up off the ground.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. We gonna head downstairs?"

He put em down, let go and looked at me shocked.

"What?" I asked. "What's the matter?"

He shook his head making that sound of disappointment, tsk tsk tsk. "Ya still don't put any effort into your appearance?"

"Only when I want a guy, otherwise, what's the point?" I brushed my pants off, not bothering to change my clothes, and shook my head furiously before tying up my hair.

"Ya know, ya should leave your hair down once in a while, it looks good on ya," he suggested.

"I know, I mean, it's like every guy thinks that with every hair flip I'm flirting with them, so I leave it up to prevent that."

Not really caring David sighed and shook his head "Whatever, Jump."

We walked down to an anything but full Bistro. I searched for Zander hoping for a quick drum lesson but was stopped midway by the overprotective Lawrence and David. The morning went by slower than most mornings. Lawrence treated us to a light breakfast and we spent majority of the time catching up. We laughed, talked, cried. We bonded like we hadn't in too long.

In the past our "catch-up chats were filled with questions about the most annoying of subjects. However, this time, it was obvious that Lawrence and David made an effort to stay away from uncomfortable topics, however some were simply inevitable.

"So how's the love life?" Lawrence asked.

I answered with a shrug. "Yours?"

He smiled wide as though he had been waiting to be asked. "Great, I met someone here actually, she's great, it's all great!"

David sat there drinking and didn't comment on Lawrence's mew found love life. David was single. He had fathered one child with his previous girlfriend and after taking his money the goil left and ran. It added to David's over protective self. Now he was positive my heart would be broken as well as Lawrence's. He had become very bitter when it came to love.

Then it happened. David asked the question I had been dreading to hear and refusing to answer.

"Why are you so skinny all of a sudden?"

He was blunt, serious and surprising which I hated. A few strange noises escaped my mouth, as I grew more nervous. I stuttered over the ums and wells never actually answering the question. David sat; staring at me while Lawrence escaped claiming he got the sudden need to go to the bathroom. Though David's eyes were not half as captivating as Lawrence's the way he locked them on me was scary. I took a deep breath and began speaking. I told him about my habit of vomiting when things became too much for me. I told him what was going on in my life at the Bay Ridge Lodging House. I told him everything. He sat there, more shocked with every word. When I was done, he simply stood and walked away looking at me as though ashamed.

"Yeah, well fuck you David!" I yelled after him. I really had no idea what had just happened, it was a complete blur. It was all hazy. I remember getting up, running to the bathroom and simply collapsing over the toilet bowl. I felt like I was going crazy inside, but just then Pierre barged into the stall grabbing my arm and pulling me out. He covered my mouth and calmly walked me out of the bathroom. When we walked out I saw Lawrence standing, waiting. I ducked and Lawrence was quick to punch Pierre right in between the eyes before taking me into his arms. Lawrence was never one to be violent however with Pierre, it was a different story. Pierre pulled out his knife and I automatically reached for mine. It was gone. Pierre had skillfully pick pocketed my knife and was now using it against me. Lawrence pulled out his out just to keep Pierre far back enough that we could get into the restaurant part of the Bistro. Nothing would happen there, it was too public.

David had returned to the spot he had just walked away from. Lawrence quickly put the knife away knowing that right then we were safe. By instinct, David knew what was happening and in silence he joined us. We walked over to a dark corner, a stupid decision and move on our part. We caught our breath not because we had been running but because of the chock. In a split second we were interrupted by two men who to the eyes were attractive but to everything else hell incognito. Jumper couldn't help but grin a bit, she moved to let her hair down but was nudged on both sides by Lawrence and David.

"It's a pity...." Said one of the men. He was tall and ruggedly handsome. His skin was tanned, and his hair was a dark chocolate brown while his eyes were monets(what is this) of green.

"What is?" I asked, pushing forward and smirking flirtatiously.

"That we have to kill a pretty thing like you." Jumper, Lawrence and David were pushed through a nearby open door and out into a dark alley.

The men began attacking Lawrence and David and pushed me aside. My back was turned to the outsider. My eyes were quickly focused on Lawrence's deep cuts. The sounds around me faded out. There was no tomorrow, no yesterday. For a brief second it was only me and my guilt. Elizabeth had given reason for all of this to happen, Not Lawrence and Not David. Elizabeth, me. Elizabeth. All I could see was red, coming at me.

"Jump.... fuck! Liz!" Lawrence yelled before kicking me. The kick wasn’t strong enough to make me fall but it got me out of my daze. I was quickly whipped around by none other then Pierre. I was pulled into his arms. His hands were cold. A voice that once seemed so familiar and comforting was now just like the hands touching me, cold. He grabbed my jaw and violently twisted my neck so that my eyes were forced to look over his face.

"Well, well, well..."

I forced my head around so that I wouldn't have to watch him, but to him, this was unacceptable. he used the same move on me.

"Ya bitch, look at me when I talk to you." There was a short pause before he threw me to the ground. I was on my knees; I felt like a dog, lower then a dog. Pierre yanked my hair upward and I was now forced to see the faces of David and Lawrence. They were across from me, in the same position as I. Pierre cleared his throat before kneeling down so that his face was directly in front of mine.

"Long time no see." He kissed me hard. My face wrinkled up and I pulled away yet again. For this, I was slapped. He let out a diabolic chuckle before smiling evilly.

"You are gonna suffer a long and painful death." He paused before finishing what he had began saying "After I'm through with you that is." No tears escaped my eyes. I was feeling something too strong for tears. I felt my head hang in shame, now aware of what was to come. I wasn't thinking about what I was going through. I was thinking about the fact Lawrence and David would have to watch and suffer with me. He made it so that my whole body was in full view and then slowly began unbuttoning my shirt.

"Fuck you, ya bastard!" Dave screamed out and before I knew what was happening he jumped on Pierre, pushing me out of the way. I looked over, he had stabbed and cut two guys that had been holding him down. He escaped for me> I glanced over, and when David had tackled Pierre my knife fell to the ground. I picked it up and then ran over to Lawrence.

"You ok?"

"I'm fine! Go help Dave!"

I knew he wasn't fine, if he was he would have gotten up already, but I did what he said. Pierre was winning the fight now. He had David in his arms with his knife an inch away from David's neck. Neither Pierre nor David could see me. Pierre's back was to me, so I held my knife up and ran toward him. Right before I struck, Pierre turned around. He must have heard my footsteps as I ran toward him.

Time froze in that moment. Pierre had skillfully twisted around last minute so that David was no longer in back of him, to the side of him, diagonal from him. No, now David was right in front. David was acting as the shield for a man who deserved no protection. Their was David, their was Pierre, and then their was me and a knife, my knife. I look back now and it’s as though I wasn't in my body that day. It was as though I was there, bodiless and invisible to all others but there just the same. I was the stillness; And instead of being part of this frozen moment in my memories of it I'm watching it all happen. Watching me. Slowly, painfully, I see my knife sink into skin. The skin is tan though, the skin is too tan to be Pierre's. At this moment, It's as though I finally returned to my body. It feels as though I've been returned to feel and get what I don’t deserve because what Jumper just did wasn't Jumper. I'm back home in my body, yet what's happening is so strange, shocking and new to me.

As I pulled my knife, more red than silver, out to be pocketed I saw the grin on Pierre's face and the painful __expression on David's. I knew, I knew then what I had done. I had stuck my knife into the body of my best friend, I had become the cause for his pain. As blood began to spill from the newly carved wound Pierre dropped David to the floor. David didn't move when he hit the ground, he was still. Dead still. I felt the blade of my knife as it slipped through my hand. My hand was wet, slimy even. I looked down at my hands as I raised them up. Red, everywhere, red. That's all I saw, red, red, red and more red. The red was suffocating me and consuming my hand. A jolt went through me and my brain finally kicked in. Tears began falling from my eyes and down my cheeks. I killed him. I killed my best friend David. I took his life I ended it for him. He would never live a full life because of me. He would never grow old because of me. He would never get married because of me. The blood was on my hands. I was the murderer, and Pierre was innocent. In trying to prevent what Pierre was out to do, I had done it myself.

I studied Pierre, I studied all the features of his face. The corners of his mouth were curled upwards and inward. His eyes were cold and open wide. I could tell he was looking me over at the same time. He chuckled his laughter was heartless. Finally he spoke.

"Hey, you killed him not me." He kept on smiling, he kept on fucking smiling! "I mean if I had killed him, then maybe I'd understand your crying, maybe." He gave a long exaggerated sigh "But I didn’t kill him, did I Did I want to? Oh sure, of course, but I didn't. You did though. Even though ya didn't want to..." their was a short pause, "ya did. Funny how the world works, eh?" He paused, giving whatever ha had just said time to sink in. It was as though he was a brilliant actor who's timing was perfectly thought out in order to pull the most emotion possible. "So Why'd ya do it Jump? Why’d ya kill him? What’d he ever do to you huh? The way I'd always seen it was that you two were best friends. It always seemed like he loved you. It seemed as though, he'd die for you," he laughed, pausing again "I never thought he actually would."

I stood there and I drowned out the sound of Pierre's voice. The longer I stood there, the more ashamed I felt. He kept badgering me orally, and eventually made his way over to em, grabbing me by my shoulder and shaking me.

"Are ya hearing what I'm saying ya fuckin bitch? ya killed him! He's burning in hell now because of you and only you!"

When guilt takes over your body and mind in the worst way possible all you can do is stand there. I was paralyzed. It wasn't about not wanting but instead about not being able to move myself. Pierre kept on badgering me. Thank God my thoughts drowned him out! I didn't care anymore. he began kicking me and punching me, enjoying the slow torture. I let him, I let him do what he wanted to do to me, and he was enjoying the new found control. With a psychotic smile and laugh to match, he whipped out his knife and began slashing my right arm near my shoulder. I quickly moved to cover the area that had just been sliced. Was I in pain? Yes, but I wanted to feel the stinging. I wanted to make myself go through the pain I had made the most perfect guy go through. I wanted to die the same death I had made my best friend die. Then, out of nowhere, Lawrence jumped in tackling Pierre who lay on his back on the ground. He punched with such hate and fury it scared even me. I saw Lawrence move his hands so that he had a good grip on Pierre’s neck.

" Take it back, take it all back!" Laurie screamed.

"Never!" Pierre managed to say at the volume of a whisper.

"Fuck you!" said Lawrence as he banged Pierre's head on the ground.

I don't remember calling him or even saying anything at all, but before I knew it Lawrence was next to me, and I was next to David. Lawrence threw his arms around me while I buried my face into his shoulder.

"Shh..." He whispered. "Shh..."

With every shush my cries grew louder but were left unheard. He didn't dare say anything else, out of fear he'd say something to trigger me. After nothing but crying for what seemed to be an eternity I pulled away and slowly crawled even closer to David's now dead cold body. I lay there with one arm across his chest but before I could say good-bye to the already gone soul Lawrence crept up behind me, kneeled, and whispered into my ear.

"Come on Jump, let's go."

Was he crazy? I thought he was because at that moment I felt that there was no way in hell I'd leave that body.

"Jump, please?" begged Laurie. Without hearing my response I was picked up by him and carried back to the door we came out through. He stopped at the door and for a moment I stopped crying and carrying on. I just stared. I knew that the same thoughts I was thinking were racing through his head. Stumbling, walking, running, whatever you want to call it, through this door changed the course of our lives. In sync we both took deep breaths and then walked back through the door. How would the courses of our lives change this time?

Laurie and I were both bruised and battered. I really don't know how he found the strength to carry me inside and to a bathroom. He began cleaning me up and then I helped him clean up. We found some bandages and wrapped our wounds. After we were both cleaned up, bandaged and in clean clothes, we helped each other to his bunk. He made me lie in his bed and sat down next to me holding my hand. He then leaned over and kissed me softly. I received it willingly and found it comforting. Lawrence then stood and left without another word. He never told me, but somehow I knew he was going to take care of David's body. We couldn't afford a proper burial, and till this day all I know is that the body was gone never to be seen again.

The morning was rough, Laurie and I simply lay in his already small bed together. All we did was lay there. We were both in such pain and words were simply unnecessary. We never left the bed unless we absolutely had to. Laurie's tried to get me to eat, drink, take care of me basically, but I wasn't having it. I wanted to rot in that bed for eternity.

more to come...