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by: Smudge McDoyal I stared at her a moment. Did she really say it? I let my thoughts pause a moment as I listened to what she said in my head. “I...I don’t know!” I nodded some. It wasn’t what I expected though. She didn’t know if I truly loved her. How could she not? I tell her all the time that I love her. When she’s upset, I’m the one that stays by her side. When she’s happy, I’m there to make her even happier. If she didn’t have a good day, I’m there to cheer her up. I listen, I care. I love her more than anything. I gave my life to her and she turns around and tells me she doesn’t think I really love her. What more can I do? This day just wasn’t going as planned, right from the start. Adopting Mellie was becoming closer to a dream than I had hoped. Law and rules were holding it back. “You don't know?” I nodded some. “Well, Charity, I really do love you. Just so you know now. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't do what I do for you. I wouldn't be there for you when you're upset. I wouldn't care about how you feel. I wouldn’t worry about you. But I do those things because I love you. I'm sorry you don't seem to know that." I watched her as she looked away. “Yeah, well, so am I.” I looked at her. This was crazy. “If I didn't love you, I wouldn't put up with this shit,” I told her as I turned away, rubbing my face. I bit my lip. I had to ask her something and I needed the truth before anything went further. “Do you want to help me with Mellie? Let me ask that. Truthfully.” Charity paused for a moment, then nodded. “Yes,” she answered quietly. I was relieved. Relieved beyond belief. More than she would ever know. If she had told me no, I wouldn’t even bother asking about the adoption papers. I needed her for the adoption. I needed her. I’m there for her, I help her out, now it was her time to help me out. But not now. I wasn’t going to ask her such an important question when she was acting like this. I nodded slightly. “I'm glad you know that then.” She looked at me before turning and leaving through the back door. I watched her and swallowed. I upset her. How could I do that? I knew she was upset before and I caused more of it. I felt horrible. I went upstairs and tossed the adoption papers across the room. I couldn’t sleep that night. Not at all. I slowly and quietly got out of been, making sure I didn’t wake up Mellie. That was the last thing I needed. I grabbed a small box from under my bunk and went out the window. I quietly made my way up to the roof and sat on the edge. I opened the box and pulled out a pencil and some small paper. I glanced at a picture of my mother and father with me as a young child. I smiled some and set the box aside. I let out a breath and looked at the paper. I wanted her to know how I felt.
I’m not sure what the time is. Sometime between yesterday and today. I need to apologize. For last night. How could I say those things to you? I tell you that I love you and care for you. But that didn’t exactly come clear last night. It’s my fault. I do love you Charity. More than life itself. The first thought when I wake up in the morning is of you and the last thing I think of before going to bed is you. I think about us together and it makes me instantly smile. Just the mention of your name brings a smile to my face. I love you more than my life Charity. I don’t know if you understand how much that is, but it’s a lot. If your life was on the line, I would do anything possible to make sure nothing happened to you, even if it means something happening to me. You’re everything to me and I never want to loose you. I care for you. The only two girls in my life are my mother and you. You being with me gives me a reason to get up in the morning. Something to look forward to everyday. I start each day wondering if you’ll surprise me by getting even more beautiful. Or if I find something else to love about you. I don’t know how to explain to you how much I truly love you. I wish I could show you or let you know. You’re my best friend and the highlight of each and every day. When I make you upset, I feel horrible. I shouldn’t have said anything to you. I’m sorry. From the bottom of my heart. There’s so much I want to say to you Charity, but I don’t know how. I want you in my life because I see us together in the future. Getting upset with you should never happen. Even though I might have a bad day, I should never take it out on you. A person never take it out on the one he loves. This letter might not mean a thing to you, but I hope it does. I don’t write letters often, but I wanted to tell you how I felt. I really do love you. For now on, if I have a bad day, I’m not going to take it out on you. I’ll talk to you about it, just like you do when you have a bad day. I love you. I’ll never get tired of telling you that. Ever. And I hope you never get tired of hearing it. I’ll always love you, no matter what. I want us to be together. I want you, Mellie, and me to be a family. Anyway that can happen. I love you. Forever. Yours Forever,
Nathan McDoyal
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