SMASH THE STATE
A weekly television series of political satire and commentary
Saturday, April 27, 1996
* The Monologue
* The Bottom Ten List:
"The Bottom Ten 'You Might Be a Red if' Jokes
They Are Telling in Russia"
* The Official Report
* Question Authority
* Double Talk:
"The Anti-Terrorism Bill is an Anti-Terrorism Bill"
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THE MONOLOGUE
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 27, 1996
(Live from Austin -- where a City Council member said she
was unaware she had been indicted for possession of marijuana 26
years ago -- it's Saturday night. And now for something
completely dissident, here's Gary!)
Thank you. Good evening, this is Smash the State. Welcome to
our show.
(1) President Clinton signed the Anti-Terrorism Bill into
law and said "America will never surrender to terror." Then he
returned long-distance phone calls from Yasir Arafat and Nelson
Mandela and arranged for another state dinner at the White House
for the Irish Republican Army's Gerry Adams.
(2) During his visit to Japan, the President became
fascinated with sumo wrestling. Two really fat guys in a ring,
pushing and shoving each other in front of a screaming audience?
It probably reminded him of himself and Newt Gingrich.
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THE BOTTOM TEN LIST
"The Bottom Ten 'You Might Be a Red if' Jokes
They Are Telling in Russia"
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 27, 1996
Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand this week's Bottom
Ten List. From the state headquarters on Cesar Chavez Street, the
category is the Bottom Ten "You Might Be a Red if" Jokes They Are
Telling in Russia.
Communism is making a come back. Old Communists are back in
control in many Eastern European countries. The Communist Party
may take over Russia again, this time by winning the Presidential
election. That's just the excuse Smash the State need for this
lame rip-off of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if"
routine. Here are the Bottom Ten "You Might Be a Red if" Jokes
They Are Telling in Russia.
Minus 10, You cannot get that Beatles tune "Back in the U.S.S.R."
out of your head.
Minus 9, Gray is your favorite color.
Minus 8, You are always saying "We have too many elections."
Minus 7, You are so tired of long distance phone companies
competing for your business, you wish long distance service were
an overpriced monopoly again.
Minus 6, You miss all those lovely statues of Marx, Lenin, and
Stalin.
Minus 5, You point out that communism has a holiday, May Day. But
capitalism has no holiday.
Minus 4, You still drive a Yugo.
Minus 3, When you vote for President of Russia, you write in
Fidel Castro.
Minus 2, You wish the Politburo would be just like the Austin,
Texas, City Council.
And the Minus 1 "You might be a Red if' joke they are telling in
Russia, You refer to standing in long lines, shopping in stores
with empty shelves, and living in fear of the secret police as
"the good old days."
Eat you heart out, Yakov Smirnov.
We have a great show for you. There is more to come. If this
be treason, make the most of it.
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"The possession of unlimited power will make a despot of almost
any man. There is a possible Nero in the gentlest human creature
that walks."
-- Thomas Bailey Aldrich
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THE OFFICIAL REPORT
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 27, 1996
This is the Official Report. The stories you are about to
hear are true.
THE STATE OF THE WORLD
(1) Ninety newlywed couples had to give up their rooms at a
hotel in South Korea to make way for a summit with President
Clinton and South Korean officials. "President Clinton's visit
was made in rush so we had to say sorry to those honeymooners,"
said the Shilla Hotel's public relations executive, Kwon Young.
"We sent them flowers and fruit baskets to say sorry."
Mr. and Mrs. Clinton did not stay overnight at the luxury
resort. They had use of the Royal Suite during their nine-hour
stopover on the island.
(2) A prominent businessman in the nation of Myanmar was
arrested for possession of unauthorized telephone lines and fax
machines. James Leander Nichols was arrested when police found a
telephone switchboard with nine lines and two fax machines at his
house.
The military government of Myanmar, also called Burma,
limits citizens' access to communications equipment and contact
with foreigners. All media is state-controlled. Licenses are
required for satellite dishes. And it is illegal to use a fax
machine without a permit.
(3) A newly-formed restaurant association in Atlantic City
is asking New Jersey state regulators for tighter restrictions on
the free or low-price meals in the casinos. The president of the
Atlantic City Restaurant & Tavern Association, Joseph V.
Faldetta, said restaurants cannot compete by selling what casinos
give away. "The number of local restaurants has dropped off every
year since gaming was introduced," he said.
But the Associated Press reported that the owners of the
Knife & Fork Inn, Dock's Oyster House and, Angelo's Fairmount
Tavern -- three established city restaurants that predate casino
gambling -- said the city's food business is suffering because of
crime, dirty streets, and the failure of the casinos to promise
rooms for conventions. Restaurant owner Angelo Mancuso Jr.
laughed at the notion that casinos have hurt. "Did casinos hurt
me? Casinos made me!" he said. "I can't compete with a $2.99
turkey dinner. So you know what I do? I don't serve turkey."
Casino executives make no apologies for their food policies.
The food is not being given away, said Roger Wagner, chairman of
the board of the Casino Association of New Jersey. "There's no
free lunches. People pay for their lunches through the casino."
THE NEW WORLD ORDER
(4) The United Nations is mounting a grassroots campaign to
improve the environment by founding small "Green Brigades" around
the world. The U.N. Environment Program, UNEP, published a book
called "Taking Action: An Environmental Guide for You and Your
Community" to mark Earth Day. The idea came from a decision of
government representatives in UNEP, who in 1992 urged forming the
Green Brigades.
TO PROTECT AND SERVE
(5) The American Civil Liberties Union and other
organizations are challenging in court the recently-passed
federal ban on "indecent" material on the Internet in the
Communications Decency Act. Howard A. Schmidt, a federal agent
who investigates computer crimes, testified at the trial in
Philadelphia.
Schmidt said that, if the law were upheld, he would not
prosecute an image on line showing how to put a condom on an
erect penis to prevent AIDS. But he would prosecute the Vanity
Fair magazine cover photograph of the actress Demi Moore, nude
and pregnant. He said that was "for fun, not education."
(6) No criminal charges will be filed against the Jamaican
police officers who mistakenly shot at a boat carrying Jimmy
Buffett and Bono. No one was hurt in the shooting when the
officers mistook the singers for drug traffickers as they landed
in a seaplane and boarded the boat.
Buffett, known for his laid-back tunes of life in the
tropics, including the hit "Margaritaville," was visiting the
Caribbean island with Bono of the rock band U2. Police have
apologized for the shooting and Buffett has written a song about
the experience entitled "Jamaica Mistaka."
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
(7) Tax Freedom Day this year is May 7th, one day later than
last year. This means that to earn the money to pay taxes at all
levels of government, the typical American will work from January
1 to May 7 and only after that will the typical taxpayer begin to
pocket income for personal use. The Tax Foundation, a private
organization, said Americans will work 128 days this year to pay
their federal, state, and local taxes, a record.
READ MY LIPS
(8) Finally, the quotation of the week. As he was inducted
into the National Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame, Dom
Imus said, "I see the President and the First Lady are not here,
probably somewhere testifying."
And that's the Official Report, where you hear it's farce.
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QUESTION AUTHORITY
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 27, 1996
Are you tired of those phony advice columns? Here is the
help you need. Question Authority!
(1) Dear Mr. Authority: I would like to make a financial
contribution to a candidate for President. How should I decide
which candidate to give to? -- Signed, Big, Fat Cat Idiot.
Dear Big: Let the Federal Election Commission decide which
Presidential candidate to support with your money. Check off the
"yes" box for the Presidential Campaign Fund on your federal
income tax return, even though checking the "no" box will not
reduce your tax burden. Millions of tax dollars subsidize
government-approved candidates and the national political
conventions of the two major parties. Since fewer Americans check
"yes" each year, your positive check off is desperately needed.
(2) Dear Mr. Authority: Congress is a disgrace but my
Congressman is doing a good job. What can I do to help get him
re-elected? -- Signed, Semi-Conscious Citizen
Dear Semi: You are already doing something by paying your
taxes. Members of Congress running for re-election spend your tax
dollars to send self-serving "newsletters" to their consituents,
filled with numerous mentions of the politician by name and
flattering photographs, and to mail out useless "questionnaires"
with loaded questions. Also, mass mailings of invitations to
self-promoting "town hall meetings" that no one attends build up
name recognition. Support your local Congressman, pay your taxes.
(3) Dear Mr. Authority: I hear that our nation's capital,
Washington, D.C., is bankrupt. What are Mayor Marion Barry and
other leaders doing to balance the books? -- Signed, D.C. Lover
Dear D.: The city of Washington's top priority is to fine
homeowners who do not rake the leaves from the public space in
front of their homes. Revenue from the unraked-leaves fines and
from parking tickets should go a long way toward wiping out the
district's $379 million deficit. Otherwise, the Mayor blames
"District Bashers" for the financial crisis. "Negative, biased
publicity has cost D.C. more jobs and destroyed more economic-
development possiblities than any other single force," he says.
If you want to know what to do, question Authority.
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DOUBLE TALK
"The Anti-Terrorism Bill is an Anti-Terrorism Bill"
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 27, 1996
(ON THE LEFT)
Gary, the Anti-Terrorism Bill is an anti-terrorism bill.
You can judge this bill by its title.
President Clinton deserves our thanks for signing this bill.
Only the right-wing fringe was against it. Your friends in the
National Rifle Association ought to be ashamed of themselves.
You can always count on us liberals to protect and defend
civil liberties. So you can be sure that, because the Democrats
supported this bill, it was a narrow, carefully-defined law
necessary to fight terrorism.
The provisions to let the President put foreign
organizations on a list of terrorists and to stop foreigners from
raising money were in response to the Oklahoma City bombing.
How could any freedom-loving person be against a law called
the Anti-Terrorism Bill? You're not for terrorism, are you?
(ON THE RIGHT)
Gary, the Anti-Terrorism Bill is an anti-terrorism bill.
You can judge this bill by its title.
The Republican Congress deserves our thanks for passing this
bill. Only the left-wing fringe opposed it. Your friends in the
American Civil Liberties Union ought to be ashamed of themselves.
You can always count on us conservatives to resist giving
the federal government too much power. So you can be sure that,
because the Republicans supported this bill, it was a narrow,
carefully-defined law necessary to fight terrorism.
The provisions to limit death penalty appeals and to deport
aliens without a trial were in response to the Oklahoma City
bombing.
How could any freedom-loving person be against a law called
the Anti-Terrorism Bill? You're not for terrorism, are you?
(ON THE LEFT)
Gary, you hatemongering, racist, Nazi, fascist, Neanderthal
pig. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the wrong
reasons.
This bill was watered down. Work needs to start immediately
on a tougher anti-terrorism bill. The reason the government wants
new power to wiretap more telephones and to use the military for
domestic law enforcment is to fight terrorism.
But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative.
(ON THE RIGHT)
Gary, you godless, Communist, bleeding heart, weirdo
pervert. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the
wrong reasons.
This bill was watered down. Work needs to start immediately
on a tougher anti-terrorism bill. The reason the government wants
new power to wiretap more telephones and to use the military for
domestic law enforcment is to fight terrorism.
But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative.
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That concludes this episode of Smash the State for Saturday,
Date, April 27, a date which will live in infamy.
Good-bye, everybody. Thank you for joining us. The
revolution will be televised.
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(
geocities.com/capitolhill)