SMASH THE STATE
A weekly television series of political satire and commentary
Saturday, June 1, 1996
* The Bottom Ten List: "Bottom Ten Things
Austin's Pedestrian Coordinator Can Do"
* Translation: "The Bicycle Helmet Law"
* The Official Report
* Double Talk: "Same-Sex Marriages"
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(Live from Austin -- the city where Timothy Leary was
arrested at the airport for smoking a cigarette -- it's Saturday
night. And now for something completely dissident, here's Gary!)
Thank you. Good evening, this is Smash the State. Welcome to
our show.
(1) Will the last pilot to defect from North Korea please
turn out the lights?
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THE BOTTOM TEN LIST
"Bottom Ten Things Austin's Pedestrian Coordinator Can Do"
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, June 1, 1996
Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand this week's Bottom
Ten List. From the state headquarters on Cesar Chavez Street, the
category is the Bottom Ten Things Austin's Pedestrian Coordinator
Can Do.
City Council Member and former street-corner flower seller
Max Nofziger has proposed the creation of a $45,000-a-year full-
time bureaucrat. Apparently, Nofziger wanted to be remembered for
more than just his other brilliant project, the Velodrome.
Here are the Bottom Ten Things Austin's Pedestrian
Coordinator Can Do.
Minus 10, Hire an Assistant Pedestrian Coordinator.
Minus 9, Finally, give those uncoordinated pedestrians the help
they really need.
Minus 8, Legalize walking down the street. Repeal all those
curfews.
Minus 7, Make Austin as great as another city with its own
pedestrian coordinator: Portland, Oregon!
Minus 6, Create a "Sidewalk Commission" the City Council can
appoint campaign contributors to.
Minus 5, Offer "Defensive Walking Courses" for jaywalkers to work
off their tickets.
Minus 4, Get Max Nofziger and those other flower sellers off the
street corners.
Minus 3, Improve mobility on Sixth Street on Holloween. Allow
people to walk in any direction they wish, not just one way.
Minus 2, Provide Smash the State with easy material for its
Bottom Ten List.
And the Minus 1 thing Austin's Pedestrian Coordinator can do,
Tell the City Council where to go.
We have a great show for you. There is more to come. If this
be treason, make the most of it.
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TRANSLATION
"The Bicycle Helmet Law"
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, June 1, 1996
(1) The Austin, Texas, City Council has passed an ordinance
requiring bicycle riders to wear a helmet. The purpose of this
new law is to protect public health and safety.
(A bunch of political hacks, who cannot even run their own
lives, have decided to flex their muscles again and see how much
more they can get away with, by pushing you around.)
(2) The City Council is trying to save the tax money the
government would have to spend to treat the head injuries of
irresponsible bike riders who don't wear helmets.
(City Council Members don't care how much the government
spends on head injuries, since they spend other people's money,
not their own. But they love to pass new laws.)
(3) This law was passed to protect you from yourself. If you
ride a bicycle without a safety helmet, there is a chance you
will fall and break open your skull.
(This law was passed to control you. If you don't do as you
are told and obey this law, there is a chance some jack-booted
government thug will break open your skull with a police baton.)
(4) There may be some thoughtful and well-meaning -- but
misguided -- individuals who think this law infringes on their
personal freedom. Perhaps they should think more of the children.
(If you don't support this helmet law, you will be
personally blamed every time a child without a helmet is hurt
from falling off a bicycle, as if it were your fault.)
(5) Think about it. Wearing a bicycle helmet is absolutely
necessary. It is important enough to be the law. That's just good
common sense.
(The last thing the politicians and bureaucrats want you to
do is think for yourself. A bicycle can never be 100% safe. To
wear a helmet is just a decision to slightly reduce your risk.)
(6) This new ordinance was in response to the will of the
people. The decision was the result of an open process of public
hearings.
(City Council Members made up their minds first. Then they
went through the motions of holding public hearings, which very
few people attended.)
(7) The government cannot solve all of our problems, but it
should not shirk its responsibilities. This carefully defined
regulation is a compromise between safety and freedom.
(If the government gets away with this, it will try
something more extreme next time. It is constantly pushing the
envelope to see how much you will put up with.)
(8) The City Council cares about you. This action is for
your own good and the good of society. Your voluntary cooperation
is needed. Thank you.
(What the City Council cares about is publicity for itself.
This action is for the benefit of the powers that be. If you
disobey, you will be punished. Shut up and do as you are told.)
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"Any excuse will serve a tyrant."
-- Aesop
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THE OFFICIAL REPORT
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, June 1, 1996
This is the Official Report. The stories you are about to
hear are true.
THE STATE OF THE WORLD
(1) Five Tibetans were sentenced to five years in prison for
advocating independence from China. The Tibetans were sentenced
at a mass rally at a sports stadium in the Himalayan region's
second largest city, Shigatse. State-run Tibet TV identified the
Tibetans, believed to be one woman and four men, as
"counter-revolutionaries who called and incited for Tibetan
independence" but gave no details of their alleged crimes.
(2) Ten marijuana plants were confiscated on the back porch
of Copperhill, Tennessee, Mayor Janelle Kimsey after a police
officer noticed them during a routine patrol.
Deputies searched her house after serving her with a warrant
and confiscating the plants, but no drugs or drug paraphernalia
was found. Kimsey was not arrested. Her case will be taken before
a Polk County grand jury.
The two-term mayor said she was growing the marijuana on her
back porch for educational purposes. "We made a drug bust a
couple of months ago and the citizens said they wanted to know
what it looked like."
A few weeks ago she found a cigarette wrapper with
marijuana seeds in a police department file cabinet and decided
to plant them, she said. Once they sprouted she put them in
individual clay pots. She said she planned to take them to the
police department once they got bigger.
Sheriff Bill Davis said police knew nothing about the
mayor's plans.
(3) President Clinton testified on videotape in the
Whitewater trial to defend his business partners Jim McDougal,
Susan McDougal, and Jim Guy Tucker. The jury convicted all three.
President Clinton openly campaigned for the election of
Shimon Peres as Prime Minister of Israel. Peres lost.
THE NEW WORLD ORDER
(4) The United Nations is investigating a top-ranking U.S.
official at an agency in Geneva on suspicion of forging documents
and embezzling at least $200,000. The irregularities involve an
unidentified official in the U.N. Conference on Trade and
Development secretariat in Geneva and occurred over several
years.
Last November, the United States told the U.N. General
Assembly's finance committee that UNCTAD was overstaffed and that
personnel costs alone account for 90 percent of its proposed
$117-million annual budget.
The United Nations said initially that the individual had
been suspended without pay, but later said that under U.N. rules
he could not be suspended as long as he remained on sick leave.
The suspect has been on sick leave for several weeks.
For criminal charges to be filed, the individual's
diplomatic immunity, the same protection extended to all U.N.
officials, would have to be lifted by the United Nations.
TO PROTECT AND SERVE
(5) Nicholas L. Bissell Jr. was convicted of 30 charges
ranging from cheating the Internal Revenue Service to skimming
receipts from a gas station he co-owned. The judge immediately
sent Bissel to jail and ordered him held without bail, saying he
didn't trust him to show up for sentencing. Bissell served nearly
13 years as the county prosecutor of Somerset County, New Jersey.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
(6) The Federal Election Commission will give Democratic
Presidential candidate Bill Clinton and Republican Presidential
candidate Bob Dole $62 million each for their general-election
campaigns. The FEC will give the Democratic and Republican
parties $12 million each for their national conventions. This is
in addition to the federal matching funds given to the
Presidential candidates during the primaries.
The FEC issued an advisory opinion that Ross Perot will be
eligible for $32 million in federal funds if he is the Reform
Party candidate for President.
READ MY LIPS
(7) Burma's military rulers freed at least 81 of the 262
pro-democracy activists it had arrested and imprisoned with
government radio announcing that the junta was freeing its
"guests." Also, opposition leaders were encouraged when the
state-run news media, in an departure from its usual harsh words,
refrained from calling 1991 Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu
Kyi a "stooge" of foreign powers and a "maggot."
(8) Finally, the quotation of the week. The Nike sneaker
company has been running ads promoting Seattle Mariners
outfielder Ken Griffley Jr. for President. Now, rival shoemaker
Fila is running ads with Cleveland Indians designated hitter
Eddie Murray running for President. Murray seldom speaks to the
media and he does not speak at all in the TV commercials. And
that is the quotation of the week, Presidential candidate Eddie
Murray saying absolutly nothing.
By the way, rivals say Fila's baseball ads are ironic
because Fila does not make cleated baseball shoes.
And that's the Official Report, where you hear it's farce.
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DOUBLE TALK
"Same-Sex Marriages"
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, June 1, 1996
(ON THE LEFT)
Gary, the most important issue today is same-sex marriages.
Thank goodness, President Clinton has had the courage to
speak out against this and focus attention on it.
As a liberal, I believe the government should not interfere
with what people do in the privacy of their bedrooms, unless it
is something the polls say is unpopular.
Why can't those gays and lesbians show more respect for the
sanctity of marriage and be like the role models of liberalism?
For example, John F. Kennedy and Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Bill
Clinton has not telephoned Geniffer Flowers or dropped his pants
in front of Paula Jones, since moving into the White House. And
Ted Kennedy has settled down, ever since Chappaquidik.
You conservatives talk about family values. But look what
you brought us -- the dysfuntional Reagan family.
(ON THE RIGHT)
Gary, the most important issue today is same-sex marriages.
Thank goodness, Bob Dole has had the courage to speak out
against this and focus attention on it.
As a conservative, I believe we should tranfer power from
the federal government to the states, unless Hawaii or some other
state wants to legalize something I don't like.
Why can't those homosexuals and sodomites show more respect
for the sancity of marriage and be like the role models of
conservatism? Ronald Reagan was a wonderful partner to Nancy,
after he divorced Jane Wyman. Bob Dole has been an ideal husband
for his second wife. And, has Newt Gingrich asked his second wife
for a divorce while she was in the hospital? No!
You liberals talk about taking of care of the children. But
look what you brought us -- the dysfuntional Kennedy family.
(ON THE LEFT)
Gary, you hatemongering, racist, Nazi, fascist, Neanderthal
pig. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the wrong
reasons.
It is a good thing that the leaders of both major political
parties are taking firm stands on this major issue, same-sex
marriages. Otherwise, we might have been wasting our time arguing
about something that does not matter.
But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative.
(ON THE RIGHT)
Gary, you godless, Communist, bleeding heart, weirdo
pervert. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the
wrong reasons.
It is a good thing that the leaders of both major political
parties are taking firm stands on this major issue, same-sex
marriages. Otherwise, we might have been wasting our time arguing
about something that does not matter.
But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative.
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That concludes this episode of Smash the State for Saturday,
June 1, 1996, a date which will live in infamy.
Good-bye, everybody. Thank you for joining us. The
revolution will be televised.
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E-Mail sedition@aol.com
Web Site http://members.aol.com/sedition
Web Site http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/1166
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