"The Winter of Despair" Under the Sun Part 5 Author: T'Thrill Series: TOS Romance Code: S/K/Mc Rating: NC-17 m/m Summary: Kirk, Spock and McCoy have returned to San Francisco after the events on Bakswana-7. There are changes coming about for all of them.

"The Winter of Despair," is the fifth part in the "Under the Sun" series. If you have not read the first four installments, "Skylights", "Life is but a Dream", "The Burning Sands", and "Easy Does It", you may want to do so before reading this story. They can be found on my webpage -- T'Thrill's Den of Trek Delights - http://www.oocities.org/tthrill1612/

Warning: This story contains very explicit m/m sex. If you are not interested in and/or offended by such things, you will find reading this a complete waste of your time so please move on. If you are under 18 years of age, please move on.

Disclaimer: Copyright 2002 by T'Thrill. This is an original work of amateur fiction based on Star Trek. This work makes "fair use" of Star Trek copyrighted material; it is not intended to infringe on the intellectual property rights of Paramount, Viacom or other owners of copyright in Star Trek or any of their assignees or licensees. The author's copyright extends only to the original material in this work.

Archive: Okay to archive in COCO-SSD and ASCEM only provided that header, disclaimers, my name, and email address is attached. All others please ask. My email address is -- TThrill1612@aol.com

Acknowledgments: To Selek, who has been my wonderful beta for the revision of all previously posted stories in this series as well as this new story. And to Marcee, who offered her terrific insights and opinions to the development of this stroy. Thanks to you both!

Chapter 1

A warm body was spooned against him. The arms encircling him were strong and sure, and he felt protected and safe. He rolled in the arms to find the lips that had been caressing his neck, but where there should have been full, soft lips, there was emptiness. He strained to see the face, but when he searched for the comfort of dark brown eyes, there was nothingness. No features, no indication of who was holding him. He wanted to scream the name, but there was no name for the form that held him tight. No, that wasn't right, there were two names that could belong to this lithe, heated figure that held him. But which name to call? Then he felt another descend upon him.

Quickly, the protector changed to the enemy. He fought to get away, but now the arms that had felt so strong and safe, held him prisoner. Bodies lay all around him. He couldn't move away from the captor, but even if he could stand and run, there was no place to go where the faces of the dead weren't staring up at him. He fought against the restraint to get away from the monster that had captured him. He was cold. Even pressed against this heated body, he was so cold. Trapped. He had to get out! He screamed into the darkness.

"Bones!" Someone was shouting his name. Someone had found him. Jim had found him. Now he would be rescued. With all of the energy he could muster, he flailed against the restraint of the arms and pitched himself into the darkness. But it was too late. The beast had captured him and would not let him go. He clawed against the cloak that was encasing him, tried to shout Jim's name, but his voice failed him. He was doomed.

Then the faceless form called to him, "Leonard." Reality began to slowly creep into his awareness. He was kneeling at the side of the bed; material bound him, holding him hostage. One was standing beside him and the other had come to his knees and was reaching for him. 'NO!' He didn't want to be touched. Where was he? Someone ordered the lights to one-quarter. Leonard began to flash his eyes around, still trying to strain away from the hand extended toward him.

There were no bodies strewn around him, only the hastily discarded clothes that had been stripped away quickly the evening before. He was not trapped in the cold shaft that had imprisoned him. There were no faceless monsters in the room, nor was this the hut on Bakswana-7. This was the apartment in San Francisco and they had been back on Earth for several weeks. He was here, home, with Jim and Spock, his bondmates. He looked up to the face on the bed. Spock, not Sarek. Sarek had returned to Vulcan.

But Sarek had been his lover, too. For one sleep cycle, Sarek had made love to him with a sweet abandon that he had forgotten could exist. And again, held captive in that godforsaken hole, they had held each other and found warmth against the unrelenting pain, cold, and damp. This was not the face of the man that had shared that horror with him, had laid beside him and held him as he felt the cold stench of death creeping ever closer with each labored breath.

Death. That was the real monster-- a monster he had fought against his whole life. The beast that he had battled, that had pursued those he cared for, those he loved, for as long as he could remember. But never had he felt its presence like he had in the shaft. The putrid smell of its breath beating against him. The arms that had wrapped around him and held him so close had kept the beast from claiming him. And now, in this instant, he longed for those arms. This face before him, so like the face he had seen these last months, could not understand what he had gone through. Could not understand what they had shared. In that brief moment between sleep and wakefulness, he wanted the father, not the son, to comfort him.

Spock, seeming to understand that he needed time to orient himself, was no longer reaching for him. Jim knelt beside him. "Bones! What the hell's wrong?" Jim shouted. He reached for the sheet, which Leonard was pulling frantically against, to assist in freeing him from the tangled mess. Finding an edge, he loosened the binding and Leonard whipped the obstructive fabric from around his body and jumped up. He backed several paces to the middle of the room, still frantically looking around him, and pulling deep, long, sharp breaths. He bent and placed his hands on his slightly flexed knees for support.

Fighting for each breath, Leonard began to realize it had been a dream. Such dreams had been haunting him these last days, but this had been the most vivid of them all. He looked toward the men in the room; Jim was still kneeling beside the bed, clutching the sheet, and Spock had one knee on the bed and a foot on the floor. He looked into the dark eyes of the man half standing. Leonard saw the flash of pain in those dark eyes. The hurt he was causing this gentle being felt like a hot poker in his gut. Never had he intended to cause such pain. Never had he wanted to feel such pain.

He shook his head and stood up. His breaths were coming in less fragmented gasps. "Nothing, Jim. Just a bad dream, I guess. I need a drink." He turned, grabbed the black robe that had been tossed haphazardly across the chair and walked out of the room.

Jim rose and piled the disarray that had been the bedcovers back onto the bed. He looked at Spock in disbelief and saw the uneasiness behind the eyes. "Spock, what was that about? Do you know what's going on?"

When Spock did not answer, Jim grabbed his shorts and pulled them on, then turned to follow McCoy, but Spock reached for him and gently grabbed his wrist. "Jim, go to him, but don't press him for answers. Not now. It is my belief he may need time to find his way back."

"Back from where? He's home now, with us. It's over. Yet every night he wakes up in a cold sweat and spends the rest of the evening in the dark, drinking himself into oblivion!"

Spock nodded slightly. Jim wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know. "It seems that the events of these last months are proving most difficult for Leonard to come to terms with."

Jim sat on the edge of the bed. He knew he needed to go to Bones, but suddenly he didn't know what he was going to say once he found him. There were certainly issues regarding this that he had yet to come to terms with. "Dammit! I should've never sent him on that mission. He's gone through six months of hell. He and Sarek were kidnapped and left for dead, and for what? The planet is doomed, and he is having nightmares that have him trying to drown himself in a bottle."

"You did not send him. He was requested and he chose to go. You only relayed the message. And, Jim, it was his decision."

"You know better than that. I could have stopped him. I should have been there."

"There was a full compliment of ships in the quadrant. What would you have been able to do that they could not?"

"Do? What I always do. Cheat death."

"As you did this time, as well. We found him. He is not dead."

"But at what cost, Spock?"

"Jim, there is no guarantee that even your presence could have stopped what happened. All of us have to cope with turmoil in our own way. But had you not been there when you were, had you not relied on your instincts, then he would not be with us now.

"As for Leonard, I cannot say I fully understand all that he has been through. He has chosen not to share his memories. We can only give him our support and wait until he is ready to confide in us." Jim noticed the eyes as they closed briefly. There was something about this that Spock understood, that he didn't. He wanted to move deep into the bond to see what it was that caused this look of anguish to flash across his partner's face, but that seemed too intrusive. There were things that they all were hiding. They had been close after Bones had been released from the hospital and during the days of his recuperation on Delta, but since returning, even Jim and Spock hadn't allowed the shields between them relax completely. For now, they all needed time to heal.

"Spock, he is out there, alone. I think we should go to him."

"Yes, we will go to him. Together." Spock rose and pulled on the silk pajama bottoms and followed Jim from the room.

Chapter 2

The main room was dark, but the lights from the city illuminated it in a steel gray hue. Stepping into the room, it took Jim a moment to spot Leonard seated in the chair near the window. It was possibly the tinkle of the ice in the glass as it was tipped to the lips that drew his attention. Leonard looked toward him, tipped the glass up and drained the rest of the bourbon from it. Then, still clutching the decanter, poured the glass full once more.

Jim sat down sideways on the chaise closest to the corner Leonard occupied, his arms resting on his knees, his fingers entwined. They were separated by just a few inches physically, but Leonard was putting up mental barriers between himself and his bondmates that were becoming impermeable. Jim wanted to break through the barricade, but he had constructed his own wall compiled of guilt and disillusionment. For the first time since meeting this man, he didn't know what to say.

He wanted to tell Bones that everything would be okay. That they were together and here to support him, but that was not completely true. Spock was to leave on the training cruise in just a few days, and Admiral Morrow had already assigned Bones to be CMO for the two-month long mission. Jim knew he would be onboard for the first few days to complete the inspection, but then he would have to return to Earth and resume his duties here. He also knew that training cruises were long and arduous for those in command and they would have little time for each other while they were out. No, soon they would all be very much alone.

Bones had tried to get him to regain command of the Enterprise, or any other vessel. But that was no longer possible. In the last year he had become so ingrained into the Admiralty that Starfleet would never agree to such an arrangement. Except for the eight years they spent splitting their time between San Francisco and the Enterprise, an Admiral had never commanded a ship, and would likely never do so again. And, even if it were a possibility, he was becoming too old to gallivant around the galaxy like a youngster. As if putting a mental exclamation point on that thought, he realized that in just two days he would turn another year older.

Spock stood in the doorway and watched the two men for a moment. In the darkness they were seated close to each other, yet they were far apart, and both in pain. He proceeded to the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee. Not his favorite choice of beverage, but hopefully one he would be able to substitute for the noxious brown liquid that Leonard was now consuming. Scooping out a measured amount of beans and placing them into the slot on the side of the coffee maker, he pressed the button that would grind the beans and distribute them to the brewing chamber. The soft hum of the machine seemed to slice through the quiet in the apartment.

He stood back to watch the steam begin to rise as water was forced through the aromatic, powdered substance. His mind was not on the coffee, but on the look that Leonard had flashed toward him just minutes before. As much as he would deny it, it was painful to watch the man he loved search his face in hopes of seeing another.

The link they shared had strengthened. What had begun with the lighter bond of a sko'tan had deepened to become as strong as the one he shared with Jim. But Leonard was mentally resisting any attempt to connect his thoughts into the community of the bond. The ability to block was one that usually had to be taught, but this one's natural resistance to having his thoughts invaded was quite remarkable.

While still on Delta Station, the bond had begun to open between them and the doctor's pleasure at being reunited with the two of them was unquestioned. However, Leonard had clamped down his shields before any specific details of the events that transpired on Bakswana-7 were revealed. They understood that it would take time, and Leonard would need to put into perspective all that had happened before he would feel comfortable sharing these closely guarded images with his bondmates. But weeks had passed since they had returned to San Francisco, and he was even more closed to them than he had been after being released from the hospital. However, Spock did not need to hear Leonard's thoughts to understand the look. He had looked up in sheer panic from an unknown attacker, preying on him in the terror of the dream, and had wanted to see the face of Sarek.

Spock was unsure of the full extent of the relationship that had been forged between Leonard and his father on the planet. He did know they had found each other. His bondmate and his father had been lovers. The coffee sounded a soft beep, bringing Spock back to the situation at hand. He poured two cups of the hot beverage.

"Bones?" Jim whispered into the darkness.

Another clink of ice in the glass, then a voice that was still shaky responded, "I'm okay, Jim." It sounded less than convincing.

Spock came into the room carrying two mugs. He handed one to Jim and turned toward Leonard. Gently, he wrapped his fingers around the neck of the decanter. Leonard relented and released his grip. Spock handed him the cup of coffee and then took the glass from his other hand. This, McCoy was not as willing to give up. But even in the dimness of the room, the gentle, caring face before him persuaded him to surrender.

"Spock," the doctor whispered softly, "I'm sorry."

"There is nothing you have done that would require an apology." The vulnerability of the man was Spock's undoing. He knelt beside the chair and stroked his fingers down the back of the hand he had just freed from the glass. With the touch, the swirling chaos of emotions that were rushing through the still-too-thin body was silently conveyed, and it nearly overwhelmed him.

"But ya know…you do know…don't you?" A sharp breath exposed how very close these emotions were to the surface.

"Yes, I know. It is understandable."

"Then would you please explain it to me. I can't keep this up without losing my mind. You tell me that our bond has gotten stronger, but since we returned to San Francisco, I can't feel you at all."

"You are blocking us. You have a natural tendency to do so. I believe it is why I was unaware of how strong the link between us had become. Perhaps you are having doubts, or you do not wish for us to see what is in your thoughts. Perhaps because the bond has strengthened, you feel it as an invasion. For that, I apologize. If you wish to have the bond severed…if you wish to go to Vulcan…we can seek the help of a healer."

"Is that what you want, Spock?"

"I am much too prejudiced to make such a decision. I have no other desire than to continue as we are." The silken voice was soft, but there was a strain behind the words. "I will, however, comply with your wishes."

McCoy took a sip of the coffee, screwed up his nose and sat the cup down. Reaching out a hand, he placed it over Spock's. The panic that had awakened him was gone, and what was left was the love he felt for the two men with him, combined with a significant dose of painful memories from those months, the memory of another making love to him, and the guilt that those specific memories created within him.

"What I wish, is to get back what we had before I ever laid eyes on that dammed planet. Spock, you've gotta understand, there was so much ugliness we had to deal with. He was the only bright spot...no, it was more than that...he was the only lifeline I had. But I keep telling myself that it's over. I don't know why I'm having these feelings. I know it's as hard for you as it is for me. There was so much… some beautiful… most horrible, that we experienced. Things I want to tell you, but I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have."

Spock dropped his head and watched the hand that now encased his own. "It would be more painful to lose you."

Leonard watched the man kneeling beside him. He realized that whatever it took, he wanted to keep these men in his life. "Lose me? Not a chance. I couldn't stand not having you in my life, either of you. You're both a part of me." Bones looked at Jim.

Jim had been watching the interaction between them. Now he began to understand just what had happened between them. Sarek. Bones still had feelings for him. No wonder Bones was shielding this from them. On so many levels, this was difficult for all of them, but he knew how much this had to be hurting Spock. He found the words he wanted to say. "Bones, good or bad, we're here for you. Don't let what has happened eat you alive. And stop trying to protect us. Personally, I'm thankful as hell that you had someone with you, someone you could feel close to, through all you had to go through there."

"Don't let it eat me alive? You're one to talk. Isn't that exactly what you've been doing these last weeks? Jim, you couldn't have stopped what happened out there. Not you, hell, not the whole dammed 'Fleet!" Bones turned his face quickly toward the window, but not before the reflections of the lights coming from the bay illuminated the eyes as they clouded. Leonard looked up toward the ceiling and took a deep breath then turned his face back to the man who had been his commanding officer for so many years. "Don't you understand? This time, *I* was the one in charge. *I* was the only one who could've stopped the bloodbath. *I* was the one that sent the away team into the most dangerous spot on the planet and got them killed. And, I have to wonder, did I let my feelings for Sarek cloud my judgment?"

Jim shook his head, and said, softly, "I can't answer that. Whether, or how much, you were influenced by your...feelings...for Sarek, I don't know. But I've read the report and, by all accounts, you did everything you could to save not only the team but also the residents of the planet. And I saw nothing that could have been anticipated, nothing that could have changed the outcome. Whatever else was happening between you and Sarek, I have no reason to believe you let that relationship affect your judgment."

Leonard watched the man that had been his commander, his friend, and his lover. He knew that Jim Kirk was one man who would never blow smoke up his ass. But the doubts, the image of the team lying dead, haunted him still. And he knew that until he could resolve this within himself, it would never be over. "How will I ever be sure?"

"Unfortunately, there's very little certainty when it comes to being in charge. I can tell you that I've second-guessed my decisions more times than I care to remember. But Bones, being in command means that sometimes we just have to accept what's happened and move on. And sometimes that means accepting the unacceptable."

Along with the guilt he felt over the deaths on the mission, the feelings he still had for Sarek were equally disturbing. That, McCoy decided, he had to put an end to right here. "Perhaps you're right," he finally admitted. "And as far as Sarek is concerned…" Jim watched as Bones brought a hand to the side of Spock's face and caressed the shape of the pointed ear and down to the neck. Putting his fingers underneath the strong chin, he gently tilted the face up to look at him. "I know he saved my sanity, and probably my life, but I could never want this, what we have, with anyone else."

"I am most grateful to my father for that. Leonard, you do not need to block your memories of that time. Jim and I are aware that the time you spent on Bakswana-7 was quite difficult. The rest, we became conscious of through the bond. If Jim is correct, and you are trying to protect us, there is no need."

"Then show me. Show me how to find you again. I've lost my way and I don't know how to get back to the two of you."

Chapter 3

Spock raised his hand and caressed the hair away from the tensed forehead. Hair, he realized, that seven months before had still been very dark. But since the rescue, he had noticed there were indications of silver running through the dark strands. He moved his hand to the back of Leonard's neck and gently pulled him close, their lips touching very lightly. He released the neck, moved over to Leonard's right and tenderly slid his hand to the meld points. With the intimacy of only those long-bonded, he knew exactly where to lay the tips of his fingers. Spock turned slightly so his lips were very close to McCoy's ear. Whispering softly, he encouraged Leonard to open his thoughts. As Spock's mind began to caress against his, Leonard closed his eyes and whispered, "Yes…yes…I feel you with me…come to me Spock…bring Jim to me…"

Spock mentally reached for Jim through the bond and together they began to slip into Leonard's thoughts. Where there had been three, now there was only one. Spock knew to move slowly through Leonard's memories. To rush in would be too much for any of them because of the intensity of emotions that were associated with the recollection of these events. Within their most volatile bondmate, emotions were always a rich swirling mass of inconsistencies. It had been so since the beginning. But this time, even with slow caution, they were fighting to not be swept away in the rush of currents in this highly effusive being.

Spock expertly navigated the chaos as they slipped into the reminiscences of the day Leonard had boarded the transport. With this, a path that spanned the next months seemed to open up to them. They saw with absolute clarity, an argument followed by their making love in this apartment before he had to leave, the time spent with Sarek on the way to the planet, the setting up of a serviceable medical facility and living compound, the shock of finding so many that were injured and sick, the frustration associated with the unknown illness, the relief when Sarek had joined him in the lab and the attraction that began as he watched the man work tirelessly toward a solution.

Leonard could not recognize his own relentless efforts, but the two men who were experiencing these memories for the first time, certainly did. They saw the constant internal battle that arose from frustration with the planet officials, diseases, incessant rains, longing for his lovers, and the seemingly endless days and nights. It was only the beautiful, kind, caring, humorous individual with whom he shared this experience that had made these infinite problems bearable. They all felt Spock's astonishment through the meld. These were characteristics that he had never observed in his father. It was as if the man they were seeing through McCoy's eyes was a stranger to Spock.

Then they experienced the evening that he and Sarek had found each other. They felt Leonard pull back from these memories, then open up to let them see. Now was the time to expose all that had happened. They felt how he had fought against these feelings for Sarek, trying to convince himself it was not real, not wanting to betray the two men to which he was committed. But the emotions he had felt toward Sarek were genuine, and he needed this--they both did. And, without looking back, they found that which they had each admired and desired in each other.

Lips pressed against warm flesh and bodies sought fulfillment. Pleasure…wonderful pleasure, found in this dismal abyss that had surrounded them since their arrival. For this moment, all of that was forgotten. Holding, tasting, touching, feeling, needing, longing, seeking blessed release. Rest…finally, rest that was not tortured dreams. Waking to find warm arms around him. Again.

A flurry of activity beginning with the comm unit, an earthquake, injured team members, medical equipment and a shuttle. There was the realization that this devastation was not caused by any natural disaster. This destruction was entirely man-made. They experienced the rumblings and then blackness… cold…pain…disorientation. Trying to regain consciousness and seeing the face of Sarek. Death. It was going to claim them both. Death would stop the pain, but not yet...fight the terrible demon. Warm arms wrapped around him, keeping the monster away and there was pleasure with a flood of heat deep within him. Then, as the endless hours passed, the demon's darkness descended upon them both.

His memories stopped and Spock gently disentangled their thoughts from the flow of images but left the thread of their bond intact. As he was pulling away, separating them, he sought out the feelings of guilt and tenderly soothed them. This would not take away the memory of those events, nor even the regret associated with them. But it would swathe them enough that McCoy could begin to cope with these overwhelming feelings, and begin to mend. As much as he wished to, he had learned many years before that to take away all of one's pain could be even more harmful than leaving it whole.

Once he had taken it upon himself to allow Jim to forget a particular painful situation, and when Jim realized what Spock had done, he felt like a part of him had been stolen. It had been a most valuable lesson in the delicate, human psyche.

Having fully freed them from the abysmal thoughts, he felt a tremble as he wrapped his arms around Leonard and pulled him from the chair. It was unknown who was trembling, probably all three of them. Spock and Jim had been mistaken in their beliefs that they were prepared for these images. On his knees, on the floor, holding Leonard protectively against him, Spock's lips caressed the meld points and moved to find the soft, searching mouth. The response against him was demanding and the link between them burned strong.

He could taste the strong woody taste of the bourbon mixed with the spicy flavor that was this man, and feel the hands as they pulled and roamed over his body.

//Make love to me...Touch me, Spock, like you used to...//

The mouth responded to his with an urgency that he had not felt since they were reunited. Spock felt the warm tongue as it gently pried his lips apart and plunged into his mouth.

Loosening the clasp that held the robe together, Spock eased his hands inside. He brushed his thumbs across the lightly furred chest and felt the nipples respond as he caressed the hardening nubs. He gently rolled each between his thumb and forefinger until they were hard pebbles and the breaths against him were becoming deep but quick. His hands caressed further down and found the erect organ. Cupping the scrotum, he felt the reaction as McCoy's member began to press against his forearm. Running his fingers along the shaft and up to the cap, he felt the first drops of pre-ejaculate as it formed at the tip, and he spread the moisture around the smooth head and down the fully erect shaft.

With the robe now lying fully open, Spock slipped his arms inside and wrapped them around Leonard. He felt how thin he had become. It was just another reminder of what this man had gone through. Spock pulled him close and ran his hands down the smooth back to the rounded mounds. Kneading and separating them, he ran his fingers the length of the crevice, pausing only a moment to trace and explore the puckered opening.

Leonard pulled away from the warm mouth and gasped needed air into his lungs. The fingers pressing against his opening incinerated him. He wanted to push back against those long, delicate fingers and feel them open him up. He felt Spock's steely erection as it pressed against his abdomen and he thrust his own cock into the silk-covered scrotum. He knew he was soaking the front of Spock's pajamas with his leaking fluid.

//Spock…take those off. I want to feel you against me.//

Spock released Leonard and pushed his pajama bottoms down as far as was allowed in his kneeling position. He then wrapped his arms around Leonard once more and eased him back onto the rug. He slipped his obstructive clothing the rest of the way off and covered Leonard's body with his own, supporting most of his weight on his arms, not wanting to hurt the slender man beneath him. Leonard wiggled his arms out of the robe lying beneath him, and reached for the man above him.

//You won't hurt me. I'm not as fragile as I look,// he conveyed through the bond.

Spock laid down on him, gathered him into his arms and captured his lover's mouth.

Jim slid out of his shorts and sat back on his heels and watched them as they made love. He felt them through the bond and knew they needed this time to recommit themselves to each other, burning out not only the memories of the planet, but also the memory of the lover, the father, who had become so important to Bones. With the erotic display if front of him, he spread his knees and began to lightly stroke his cock.

They thrust against each other. The friction from heat and hardness produced soft moans from deep within their throats. With one hand cradling Leonard's neck, Spock had them pulled tight together. With the other, Spock caressed down the side and hip of his lover and when he reached the thighs, he turned so he could separate them and moved his hand to the area behind the scrotal sack. Finding the puckered entrance, he pressed the tip of one finger inside.

With that, Leonard flung his head back and emitted a most delicious sound. "Yesss...!" Bones panted.

From somewhere, Jim was kneeling beside them and held out a small bottle of the oil they used for lubrication. Spock took the oil and looked up into the eyes of his fair lover. Jim just nodded, and conveyed that he understood that this was a time for Spock and Bones to reconnect.

Spock came to a kneeling position between Leonard's spread thighs. The thick penis was hard and glistening from the fluid leaking from the slit. He ran his hands down the body of the man spread open beneath him. Spock leaned over and captured the engorged glans with his lips, tasting the salty, succulent fluid that was swelled at the tip. Caressing down the finely furred thighs, his hands reached underneath Leonard's knees and brought the legs up so they were bent, giving him full access to that which he sought. He released the organ and, with his thumb, slipped the stopper from the bottle of oil. He poured the light, almond-scented oil on his fingers and reached beneath Leonard. Spock brushed over the thick sack, feeling its weight against the back of his hand as he slid underneath it. His fingers found the tight opening and he traced the small creases, coating them with the slick substance as he watched the eyes close and lips part as a small gasp was sucked between them.

Pressing gently, Spock breached the constricted entrance. He slid a finger into the moist chamber and felt the ring of muscle tense against the invasion. Further, he slipped in. The channel began to relax and the engorged organ twitched sharply when he located the small, sensitive nodule deep within his lover. The ring of muscle began to ease even more with the stimulation of the organ and he slipped another finger in to join the first. With two fingers, he began to stretch the cavity in preparation for his entry. He massaged the prostate with his fingertips and felt Leonard begin to writhe against him. When the third finger slid in with little effort, Spock knew his lover was ready.

Grasping the knees, he tilted Leonard up and centered his cockhead to the opening, pressing with just enough effort to slip his ridges inside. With the bond fully open, they felt the compounded sensations from both bodies. Sliding in slowly, he could feel when the muscles needed time to adjust, but the need was racing toward crescendo and it took only moments before he was fully engulfed within the tight chamber. He released Leonard's legs and felt them wrap around him. He withdrew slowly and plunged back in, adjusting his hips slightly to give the maximum pressure against the sensitive prostate.

Spock lay down on Leonard and wrapped his arms around his neck, recapturing the mouth. Withdrawing and plunging inside his lover, Spock paced his lunges to bring them to the highest level of pleasure, needing to pause several times to quell his own threatening orgasm. He moved his lips to the round ear and traced the lobe with his tongue. He suckled the area just beneath the ear on the damp neck and felt, through their bond, Leonard's impending release. With his own body aching for orgasm, he could hold back no longer. He ground his organ deep inside as the channel began to contract around his penis, massaging him to an intense orgasm, and filled his lover with his hot, sticky fluid.

Leonard's penis was trapped between them and, with each thrust he felt inside of him, his cock scraped against Spock's abdomen. The friction against the soft, tantalizing line of hair, which was now very wet from his pre-ejaculate, elevated each to increased levels of passion. When he felt the hot, double-ridged organ thrust deep into him and begin to throb, he held tight to Spock and drove his cock powerfully against the Vulcan. Leonard felt his warm cum as it began to splash between them, bathing both his and Spock's abdomens as the quick thrusts from within massaged him to completion.

Guttural moans filled the room as they rode the waves, feeling each other's orgasm, pleasure folded into pleasure time and time again as their cocks jerked with orgasmic release. Watching the muscular hips as they rose and descended, hearing the moans of pleasure emitted from each, Jim stroked his hand up and down his cock. His own breath quickened as he felt the pleasure from each. He felt the rush of the orgasms and fought against his own. Not now, it was too soon. He released his cock and gripped his thighs as he road the waves with them, knowing that the slightest touch on his organ would push him over the edge too. Slowly, the immediate demand from his body diminished.

Breathing heavily, Spock lay on McCoy, still cradling his lover. When his erection abated slightly, he pulled out of the tight chamber and rose to a kneeling position between the thighs. Leonard sat up and moved so the back of his head was propped against the cushion of the chair. He spread his bent knees and watched as Spock reached for Jim and captured the eager mouth with his own. Spock's hand caressed down Jim's chest and side and trailed down his arm until it reached his fingers. Entwining his fingers in Jim's, Spock maneuvered them until they were beside Leonard. Moving Jim between Leonard's spread thighs, he reached down with the entwined hands and wrapped them around Bones' spent erection stroking it back to hardness using the slick ejaculate that was coating his cock and belly. Pulling his fingers away, and leaving Jim to bring McCoy to full arousal, Spock collected some of the sticky fluid on his fingers and moved behind Jim, spread the hard mounds and pressed a slick finger inside of him.

For the first time since their return to Earth, their shields were completely down. They were mentally open and reading each other's needs. Jim leaned over, supporting himself on his knees and elbows, giving Spock full access, and took Bones' cock in his mouth, sucking deeply and savoring the salty ejaculate which was coating it. Jim felt increased fullness as Spock pressed those delicate, hot fingers deeper inside of him, and when he felt a fingertip brush against his prostate, his body threatened to spill over. Spock felt this and soothed Jim away from orgasm through the bond.

Bones combed through the dark gold hair, fingering the small areas where he knew the nerve endings lay just below the surface, grazing the erogenous areas at the back of each ear, sending shivers of desire racing through Jim's body; shivers that were felt by them all. Leonard began to thrust his hips to meet each stroke of Jim's mouth. Quicker the pace became as he felt himself grow closer and closer to another orgasm.

Hands pressed Jim's head down as Leonard's convulsions began. With a guttural moan, the doctor sent streams of the salty-sweet ejaculate spraying down his lover's throat. Jim drank deeply, not wanting to spill any of the delicious fluid, his own body craving release.

When the last of the ejaculate was expelled, Jim pulled his mouth off of the spent organ and tongued the slit to collect the last drop of cum seeping from it. Rising to his knees and gripping Bones' shoulders, he pushed his cock deep into the willing mouth. The physician's hands came around him and grasp the round mounds of his ass, separating them, opening him for Spock's entry. Spock wrapped his arms around Jim's waist and plunged his penis deep inside of his fair lover. In unison, they fucked and sucked Jim until they felt the eruption begin deep within his abdomen. With panting gasps, he moaned his orgasm, his seed spraying down the throat of one lover, his other lover filling him with semen in hard, pulsating waves.

Knees weak and breathing ragged, Jim gently pulled out of Bones' mouth as the double-ridged cock slipped from him. They collapsed onto the floor, the three of them still clinging to each other. For the first time in months, it felt as if they were once again whole. They belonged with, and to, each other. There were no thoughts of the past or the future. For this moment, they were simply three who loved and were loved.

Chapter 4

The simulator was a disaster, but it usually was after a cadet had taken the Kobayashi Maru. The replica was an exact duplicate of the bridge on the Enterprise and, as Jim stepped through the door, he felt an unexpected stab in his chest. So many feelings poured forth, and envy was not the least of these. Someone else would be sitting in the center seat of the one female that he had ever allowed to fully capture his heart. He came to stand beside Spock, laying prostate on the floor. Whoever said Vulcans couldn't ham it up was quite mistaken. At his presence, Spock opened his eyes and Jim watched as the man rose gracefully from the deck. Spock stood beside him and ordered all cadets to the briefing room. Did he seem taller? This man who had stood beside him all of these years as his first officer, was now the Captain of the Enterprise. And, soon, she would be taking him...them...away.

He turned to walk out and saw Leonard lying on the deck, propped up on one elbow and giving him a look that all but said, 'Ravish me right here.'

"Physician, heal thy self!"

"Hey, what about my performance?" Bones asked. The smile he flashed only reminded Jim that he was just days away from these men being gone from him. He had just gotten Leonard back and he was not ready to let go again.

"I'm not a drama critic," Jim replied, but the look Bones gave him told him he was letting his emotions ride much too close to the surface. It was this setting. He had to get out of here. It was too much of a reminder that, once again, he was not going to be there if something did happen.

"It was the best of times. It was the worst of times...' Message Spock?"

"None that I am conscious of except, happy birthday. Surely, the best of times."

No, this was certainly not the best of times. He was another year older, and after the few days he would spend on the inspection run, would be facing months alone, grounded on Earth. Bones had asked him why not just put an experienced crew back on the Enterprise, but she had not been slated for deep space missions, at least not yet. She was set up for the purpose of training the next generation of officers.

Neither Spock nor Bones knew that in just these last few days, there had been talk of using her for this training run then sending her out on another explorative mission. If this was the case, Nogura had already told him that McCoy, Sulu, Uhura and Scotty, with Spock at the helm, would be the lead team assigned. There was a reason they had all been recalled for the training mission. They needed to become familiar with her new refit. If this should come about, there would be only two senior officers missing from the original team. Chekov, who had accepted the first officer position on the Reliant, and Jim, who would stay at Starfleet and do whatever it is that Admirals do. He was advised he had become 'too valuable' to the 'Fleet to be assigned to an extended mission. And in these last weeks, he felt he was becoming too old. At the same age that most were just getting their first command, his time had already come and gone.

Standing beside Spock, they heard the announcement that the shuttle was waiting. It was a moment that Jim had dreaded on so many levels. "So, where are you off to?" Jim asked.

"The Enterprise. I must check in before your inspection. And you?"

Jim swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. He would be alone tonight since both Spock and Bones were staying onboard the ship in preparation for tomorrow's inspection. It was a feeling he had to get used to. Where, indeed, was he headed? "Home," he managed with what he hoped was a smile. But even to his own ears, he knew he was hiding nothing from his bondmate.

That evening, in the apartment that seemed so empty, he stood at the window and looked out over the Bay towards the nebulous lights of San Francisco bathed in a foggy haze. If he squinted his eyes, he could, just for a moment, imagine the lights of the city were stars, as they would appear if he were looking out the viewport of a ship. The chime sounded, signaling someone was arriving. He was not expecting company, and knew that neither Bones nor Spock would be coming in tonight. He walked to the turbolift doors, prepared to signal the lift active, but the doors opened automatically. Only Spock, Bones, and himself had entry to the apartment. Bones breezed past him.

"Why bless me, Doctor. What brings you to this neck of the galaxy?"

Bones rolled his eyes. He knew Jim was in a piss-poor mood when he called him 'Doctor,' off duty.

"Beware Romulans bearing gifts!" He tried to sound upbeat as he handed the first bag to Jim. Jim opened the bag and gently slipped the bottle out of the soft wrapping. Leonard's breath caught as he watched the hazel-green eyes, complete with golden flecks and the much too long lashes framing them, read the label and flash those eyes from the bottle of illicit brew over to him. The thought crossed his mind that these were the eyes that could tame a universe. Actually, he realized, they had already done so. These were not the eyes of a desk jockey. He had pointed out to Jim on many occasions that he thought Jim should get his command back. Somehow, they were going there again tonight. He could feel it.

Sickbay was in fairly good shape, so he took off his jacket and threw it on the chair. There was no real need to return to the ship this evening and he had decided to make good use of the one night they had before they left space dock. Besides, the thought of sleeping at all and having another of the still frequent nightmares did nothing to encourage him to stay onboard this evening. He had been able to control them to the point of not waking his partners the last few nights, and since their shields had not been fully open since, it seemed that neither Jim nor Spock realized that the dreams still came to him. That was for the best. He would have to figure out his own method for ridding himself of the nightmares, and the frequent image of Sarek that seemed to intervene whenever he did find a few hours of peaceful rest. But tonight, his thoughts were more on engaging Jim in a little one-on-one passion.

However, that seemed doubtful considering the mood Jim was in. There seemed little possibility of anything happening between them. Leonard understood that this was hard on the man he had called his friend, his lover, and his commander for so many years, but he felt like a lot of it was Jim's own doing.

He handed Jim the second cloth bag.

"Klingon aphrodisiacs?"

Jim looked at him and flashed the briefest smile. He had already brought a Romulan aphrodisiac, what the hell did Jim want? He knew that Jim was showing the initial stages of presbyopia. It had become obvious that his arms were becoming too short for reading. And, being his doctor, he knew he was allergic to Retinax the only known treatment other than multifocal implants, which Jim had fought against, or glasses. Knowing Jim's fondness for antiques, he had had the lenses made to fit a pair of nineteenth-century gold frames that he had located in an antique store. Gold had been nearly depleted on Earth, and to find anything in good old 18-carat these days, was nearly impossible. He hoped the antique frames would make this more acceptable. It didn't.

"Dammit, Jim, what the hell's the matter with you? Other people have birthdays, why are we treating yours like a funeral?" Leonard asked, walking to the alcove in front of the fireplace.

Jim turned from the window. "Bones, I don't want to be lectured." He waved his hand, which Leonard knew dammed well meant he didn't want to carry the discussion any further. This time, he wasn't going to let him drop it. The time for the truth was here. It may be months before they had a chance to talk like this again, and it pissed him off to see Jim allow himself to be put on a back shelf like this. He knew damned well that if there was any man in the galaxy who needed to be in command of a ship, Jim Kirk was that man.

"What the hell do you want?" He sat down on the chaise. It was going to be a long night. "This isn't about age, and you know it! It's about you flying a God damned computer console when you wanna be out there hopping galaxies!"

Jim turned from the window and made one more attempt to make Bones stop this. This was not uncharted territory. It was an argument they had every time this subject came up. He rubbed his thumb across his forehead. "Spare me your notions and poetry, please! We all have our assigned duties." Jim sat on the hearth directly across from where Bones was seated.

"Bull! You're hiding. Hiding behind rules and regulations."

"What am I hiding from?"

"From yourself, Admiral!"

Jim took another mouthful of the potent drink and looked toward him. Bones was seated with one leg stretched out and the other flung across the arm of the chaise, his thighs spread wide. In this position, the soft, camel colored trousers clung to him, and there was nothing left to the imagination. The material clung to every bulge, and there was quite a noticeable bulge at the crotch. Obviously, the reputation of this illegal alcohol was not exaggerated and was beginning to take effect. Were Bones not immersed in one of his tirades, Jim would have knelt between those thighs, freed the bulge, and brought the doctor to full arousal right there. But this was not the time, and he needed to get Bones out of his direct view. He moved to the chaise beside him and stared at the dormant fireplace.

"Don't mince words, Bones. What do you really think?"

"Jim, I'm your doctor, and I'm your friend," he decided to keep this on the simplest terms possible. "Get back your command. Get it back before you turn into part of this collection." He waved his glass toward the array of antique weaponry displayed on the walls. "Before you really do grow old!"

They sat there and said nothing for several minutes. Leonard knew he had gone too far this time, but nothing else had worked. Jim drained the last of the ale from his glass and got up to refill it. He brought the flask over to where they were sitting and poured more into Bones' glass and sat back down on the edge of the chaise, facing Leonard. They made brief eye contact. Jim took another sip and shook his head. This concoction did not get any smoother. He sat the glass down and drew a deep breath.

"Bones, do you really believe what I do is that unimportant? That I haven't made a difference where I am?"

Leonard looked up at him and studied the face that really had seemed older in these last weeks. His voice softened. "No, Jim. I'm not saying that. As much as I fought against it when you accepted promotion, even I have'ta admit that you've done a hell of a job. You've fought to turn this program back over to the men and women that are doing the work. The program had become stagnant and one-dimensional before you took over as Chief of Starfleet Operations.

"Just look at our bond with Spock. Eleven years ago the regulations wouldn't have allowed it. Hell, fifteen years ago the brass told us to go fuck ourselves when Spock needed to go to Vulcan. Now, because of what you've accomplished, there are mandates in place for cultural differences, the organization is better, families are being assigned together, crews are being kept intact, the ships are updated, money has been routed to modernize the equipment, and there have been twenty new space stations established throughout the galaxy.

"On top of that, you've managed to bring together the Diplomatic Corp and the long-range training teams, two groups that would barely speak to each other before. I won't even go into the time you spend instructing at the Academy. Unimportant? Hardly! "Jim, I have to tell you, there are very few people that have really earned my respect. I'm not talking about what we have personally. You know exactly what I feel for you when you're out of uniform. I'm talking strictly professionally. You've accomplished things that I thought I'd never see in my lifetime. But, Jim, I can't stand to see you like this. You know God damned well that you're not happy. When your inspection is finished and you have to leave to come back here, it's gonna kill you. I don't care what you say, your home is out there!" Bones' thumb pointed quickly toward the ceiling. "You could fight to get another ship and keep doin' what we did for eight years, go to trouble spots, or you could opt to teach the final phases of the Command Training program. Other Admirals have done it. At least it would get you back into space a few months a year in a training capacity."

"That specific program may not last," Jim whispered before he tipped the glass up and drained the last of the blue liquid from it.

"What do you mean it may not last? I thought this was the whole reason for the refit! Jim, what the hell do you know?"

"Nothing that I'm privileged to go into. Nothing's certain."

"Now wait just a God damned minute! All of this is beginning to make sense. No one has been able to figure out why the best in Starfleet has been recalled for a training mission! This is just to get our feet wet before they send us out on a regular assignment, isn't it?"

"Bones, I swear, nothing is definite. There's talk, but no decision's been made. And you cannot let this go further than this room, understand?"

"Yeah, I understand. Does Spock know?"

"No, not yet. And, like I say, there's only been conjecture about this being a possibility." He paused trying to decide if he should say more. Should he tell him about the meeting with Nogura just this afternoon? Tell him that one more time he had failed? He rose and refilled the glasses with Leonard watching his every move. Replacing the decanter, he sat sideways on the chair, took a long sip, and made his decision. "And, Bones, I asked to be put back in command if it does come about, but I was denied."

Leonard sat up and turned quickly in the seat. "Oh, shit! Jim, I'm sorry! I didn't know. No wonder this is hitting you hard. Why didn't you say something?"

"I'm the one that talked Spock into taking a promotion to Captain. The 'Fleet wasn't going to let him stay where he was, and I knew if he didn't take this, he would be assigned to a deep-space ship. I was assured the Enterprise was to be used for training only. But what with the problems we've just gone through with the Tovians becoming more organized, as well as the Romulans trying to push deeper into the Neutral Zone, not to mention the Klingons making noise about forming a peace treaty, all the while attacking any Federation ship on the outer rim, there's a real shortage of deep-space ships at this time.

"Nogura has advised me that the Enterprise might be put back into regular service. If that's the case, Spock, and this crew, will be assigned to a long-term mission. I wanted to wait until I knew for sure before I said anything. Knowing Spock, he may opt out of the service and go into the Diplomatic Corps. But I wanted to have my facts straight before I went to him, or you, with this information."

"God dammit! Don't we get any say-so in this? Hell, I may just join Spock in the Diplomatic Corp!"

Jim had to smile. "Bones, of all of the things you are qualified for, I really don't see you as a diplomat."

With that, even Leonard had to look up and smile. "You mean telling these pompous assholes to go fuck themselves wouldn't be considered smooth enough?"

"It needs work!" Jim chuckled.

Chapter 5

Jim pushed himself from the chaise to stand up, and felt his head swim. However, that was not the only part of his body that was affected. There was a reason Romulan ale was illegal. It didn't take much for the human body to begin feeling the sexual ramifications of this particular substance, and they had just finished their third glass of the brew. Whether it was because of the ale or the company, he was beginning to feel better. He picked up the flask and thought, 'What the hell,' and poured more into his glass and bent to refill his companions.

As he was filling Bones' glass, he felt a hand caress up the inner part of his thigh. He stopped pouring and straightened, but didn't step away. The hand continued upward to the crotch of his pants and began a thorough massage of the area. His reaction was immediate. The things that Bones could do to him were simply incredible. He felt the fingers release the catch to his trousers and spread the opening. His briefs were pulled down and over his erection and a dark head moved to his cock. A tongue swirled around the head and teased the slit before the lips closed around him. Jim managed to set the flask down and slide his fingers into the thick hair. He plunged his cock deep into the mouth and moaned as he felt the warm mouth capture him and the tongue massage the sensitive area beneath the ridge. He fought against the sensation to pump deeply into the heat and explode. He pulled out of the eager mouth and knelt beside the chair.

"If you really want to make this a great birthday, come to bed with me."

"Jim, you know damned well that it doesn't need to be a special occasion for me to want to make love to you."

Jim ran his hand down the face of his lover. "That makes me very happy." He reached for Leonard's hand, stood up and led him down the hall.

They kicked off their shoes and proceeded to undress each other as quickly as possible. Within moments, they were naked and pressed together with an array of clothes tossed around them. Jim maneuvered them to the edge of the bed and eased Bones down, covering the leaner body with his own. Jim explored the mouth with his tongue and then worked down the neck and chest. He captured a nub and sucked and teased it until it was a hard, tight pip, then did the same to the other nipple. His hand explored further down until he captured the shaft of the thick organ and began to run his hand up and down the ready phallus. He watched Bones spread his thighs in wanton need. He captured the drops of pre-cum that were pooling at the slit, tasting the salty fluid, and marveled that he had the power to arouse such a sensuous being.

He pulled the length of the cock into his mouth and closed tightly around it, sucking it deep into his throat and then let it slide out, his tongue tracing the most sensitive areas with each stroke. Bones began to moan and writhe beneath him. Jim felt the hips push toward him and the hands, tangled in his hair, tighten as the cock begun to throb. Jim increased his pace. He wanted to taste him, to taste the sweet nectar this man was willing to give up to him, and he was soon rewarded. The first of the warm fluid splashed into his mouth and down his throat and each wave released more of the salty-sweet cum. He massaged every drop from McCoy and swallowed deeply, not wanting any of the succulent substance to escape. When the last wave had passed, he let the organ slip from his lips.

Bones pulled him up and captured the mouth, enjoying the taste of his own fluid on the swollen lips. He reached over to the bedside table and grabbed the vial of oil. Handing it to Jim, he rolled them over so Jim was now lying on his back on the bed. Leonard turned and began to lick down Jim's smooth body until he reached the swollen cock. He bathed the head with his tongue and, spreading the thighs with his hands, captured each orb within the thickened pouch and laved each with saliva. He heard Jim release the stopper from the small bottle and Leonard straddled the broad chest to give him optimal access. On his arms and knees, facing away from Jim, still licking and teasing the erect organ, he felt the slick fingers as they contacted his opening.

A finger slid deep inside of him and he forgot the organ in front of him and pushed against the invading digit. He felt the finger move inside of him, relaxing him, and then felt another join it. The fingers found his prostate and rubbed against it, jolting him back to full arousal. A third finger pushed inside and he felt the tight muscle give into the invasion and relax. Leonard pushed back against the fingers and gasped at the wonderful feeling of having them open him up.

Jim pulled his fingers out and Leonard turned around, straddling his lover's thighs. The doctor reached for the vial and poured some of the oil into his cupped palm. He wrapped his oiled hand around Jim's cock, spreading the lubricant generously onto the head and shaft, watching as the drops of oil combined with the sticky drops of pre-cum. He looked up to the hooded, dilated hazel eyes, which were watching as his hand stroked slowly up and down the erect organ. The eyes closed briefly as Jim gently pulled his bottom lip between his teeth then released it with a quick intake of air as Bones ran his fingers around the ridge. The back arched slightly and Jim opened his eyes and looked at him.

Even after all of these years together, Kirk was still his undoing. Moving himself up, his face not leaving the face of his lover, he reached around and captured the cock and centered it to his anus. Gently he eased himself onto it, impaling himself on the hot organ. Slowly he let the thick member work deeper and deeper into his body. When he had it fully encased inside of him, he began to rock his hips to slide Jim's penis in and out of his chamber. Once he was fully acclimated to having the organ's full length inside of him, his movements became quicker and harder and he felt Jim began to thrust up with his hips when he pushed down.

Leonard adjusted his hips so with each new plunge, the engorged head pressed forcefully against his sensitive organ inside. Bones shook with pleasure when Jim reached for his cock and began to massage it. Quicker the pace became as he moved with more and more determination on the hard shaft, pushing it deeper and deeper into him. Jim reached back and grabbed the top of the headboard with his free hand and sped up his massages on Leonard's cock. Bones could not hold out any longer. He flung his head back and pushed down onto the body with one more hard thrust. With mind-spinning ecstasy, he exploded onto the smooth chest as he felt Jim's cock throb his orgasm within him.

Leonard collapsed onto the smooth chest and they both gasped for air until starved lungs were satisfied. Breaths became less deep and more regular, and Leonard felt the organ within him soften. Moving carefully, he let the penis slide out of him. He rolled over and lay beside his lover, propped up on one elbow.

Jim looked over at the smiling face and bright blue eyes and his breath caught. This was the same look that Bones had given him from the floor of the simulator.

Bones reached over and traced the edge of the puddle of his own thick, milky ejaculate that lay on Jim. "Somebody around here could use a shower," Bones teased.

"Well, since you caused it, I say you get to wash me."

"A shower together? Ummmm…it's been a while since we did that." Bones laid down flat on the bed and stretched like a cat. The sight was seductive.

Jim covered him and the fluid that had coated him, spread between them. He briefly captured the mouth and gently sucked the bottom lip between his teeth. "Yes, together," Jim purred, "now that we both need to be washed down."

He rolled off of Bones and let him get up and go to the bathroom ahead of him. Jim knew he would need a moment to expel the fluid that he had just filled him with. When he heard the shower turn on, he rose and went to the bathroom. Steam was already filling the room, and he found himself being pulled under the spray.

Bones reached for the bath sponge and pumped some of the soap onto it from the dispenser. He worked it into a foamy ball and starting at Jim's neck, rubbed the body with the soapy sponge. Reaching the semi-erect cock, he bypassed it and washed down each leg. He laid the sponge aside, and with hands covered in lather, hand washed the groin area. He massaged the foam into the scrotum, separating and massaging each sphere. Then he began at the base of the shaft and let his fingers massage the full length, ending with the head of a now fully erect organ. Turning Jim into the spray of the jets, he rinsed the soap from the front of the body and began to administer the same technique to the back. Jim placed his hands against the wall for support and felt the hands as they lathed the soap down his back and slid into the crevice. Jim spread his legs to give his lover optimum access to his body.

A soap slickened finger traced his puckered opening and when he thought he could stand no more, he felt the finger push inside of him. A second and then third joined the first, and he pushed back against them. "God…Bones…fuck me!" he panted.

The fingers were removed, and he felt the cockhead as it pushed inside of him. Waiting just a moment to get used to the invasion, he pushed back against the hard, thick organ that slid in easily. Still leaning toward the wall, his legs parted, he felt a hand reach for him and slide up his shaft in time with each driving force inside of him. Fingers gripped the sensitive spot just beneath the head of his cock and began working quickly up and down. He felt his scrotum draw tight and the orgasm begin deep within him. The pulsating member within him was filling him as he released his own ejaculate onto the shower's wall.

The softening cock slid out of him, and he turned to see Bones, his back against the wall, a smile on his face, staring at him. Jim reached for the sponge, bathed McCoy, and then rinsed him. Stepping out of the shower, Jim reached for a towel. He turned to Bones and placed it across his head. With brisk motions, he dried the excess water from McCoy's hair and then moved it down and wrapped it around the narrow shoulders. Blue-violet eyes looked at him and, grabbing the edges of the towel, Jim pulled Bones to him and brushed the soft lips with his own. He released the towel and reached for another, wrapped it around himself, and left the steamy bathroom. They walked toward the main room of the apartment. Jim walked over and picked up the two glasses still half full of blue liquid. He turned to Bones, raised them and with an arch of an eyebrow, asked if he wanted any more.

"None for me! I think I've had about all of the effects of that that I can stand for one night. I just know I'm gonna be sore tomorrow!"

Jim couldn't help himself, and he chuckled as he said, "Physician…heal thy self." He had to agree, it had been a most active evening. But he was not as willing to blame it all on the beverage. The man standing at the window in the main room made a damn good catalyst!

As he walked toward the kitchen, he heard Bones murmur, "You've been around our favorite Vulcan much too long!"

Jim came back to the main room and dimmed the lights to one-tenth intensity. It was after midnight in the Pacific basin, and the city took on hushed tones. It was as if speaking loud would disturb the peace. He settled himself on the couch and watched the man standing at the window. The towel was wrapped around Bones' waist and Jim couldn't help but notice that it overlapped much further than it used to. They had been reassured that he was fine, both physically and mentally, because of the battery of test he was subjected to upon his return to San Francisco. Other than being underweight, all else checked out and he was declared fit for duty.

Of course that had been before the nightmares began. But Jim was reassured by the fact that for the last few nights, since the evening they reopened their bond, Bones had seemed to sleep more peacefully than he had in weeks. It seemed that Bones had begun to come to terms with all that had happened. But this evening, Jim had confirmed that there were other changes that may be coming about. He watched the man to see if he seemed upset, but surprisingly, he seemed to be quite serene. Jim wished he could find that same level of tranquility.

Jim walked over to Bones and placed his hands on the doctor's shoulders. In a soft, whispered tone, he said, "Come on, Bones, let's get some sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a hell of a day."

Bones nodded and they went to bed, Jim spooning himself to the leaner body. "Thanks, Bones," he whispered.

"For what?" Leonard asked sleepily.

"For making it a nice birthday. I didn't think it was possible until you came back this evening."

Leonard turned slightly, and whispered, "Be happy, Jim. Whatever it takes, find that again." Over his shoulder, he looked at the face of the man that had been his lover for these years. If he could have one wish for the man he loved, it would be that he could find the contentment he once had.

Jim nodded and snuggled Bones tight against him. They drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 6

There was an excitement about being onboard her again. After the nerve-shattering departure from spaceport, Jim had tried to put the tangle of emotions that were swelling within him aside and just enjoy the ride. He had spent the first day walking the decks. The latest refit had her looking much different from the ship he had commanded, but her layout had changed little.

Deep in the corridors, he stopped and looked around him, making sure he was alone. He stood close to one of the bulkhead walls and, with the gentle touch of a lover, ran his hands along the smooth surface. He felt the familiar, faint vibration, much like her heartbeat, that few others would have been able to detect. For just an instant, it was if he were communicating with her. "I've missed you," he whispered so quietly that even someone standing beside him wouldn't have been able to hear, but he was certain that she heard. He heard the sound of voices approaching, and brought his hands behind his back and continued his walk down her corridor. His reunion was complete.

After an informal lunch, Jim was advised that he had a call from Starfleet. He told Uhura he would take it in his quarters. He proceeded to the dignitary's suite where he had been assigned and pressed the 'receive' key on the vid unit.

Nogura's face flashed on the screen and, Jim noted, off to the side stood Bill Morrow. Admiral William Morrow was the Commander of Starfleet and senior aid to Nogura. And, if any of the rumors were true, was being groomed to replace Nogura down the road. If true, it would be a move that Jim would endorse. Bill Morrow was of the highest character. The conversation was less than five minutes in length.

Seated in the chair, elbows resting on the desktop, his hands balled into overlapping fists and his chin supported by his thumbs, a stunned James Kirk stared at the now blank screen. The U.S.S. Alexander, the Constitution Class ship that had helped rescue Sarek and McCoy, was destroyed when a magnetic storm from an imploding star caused the anti-matter inducers to overload and the baffle plates to rupture. Nearly three hundred crewmen were lost, including Captain Tori Ashland and Arianias Rand, the ship's doctor who had assisted Bones on Bakswana-7.

Nogura had advised him that the Excelsior was not ready for launch and, with an already strained fleet, the question as to whether or not the Enterprise would be assigned a deep-space mission was no longer in doubt. Time was of the essence. The Alexander had been responsible for border patrol and research in the Orion sector and this loss left that volatile zone unprotected. Nogura advised him that once the current shakedown was complete, the Enterprise was to return to spacedock to be fitted with long-range equipment and would be sent out for a minimum three-year tour, with the possibility that it would actually be extended for much longer. It would be his responsibility to advise the crew and Captain Spock of these changes in plan. All senior members would stay onboard, while other crew replacements were already being assigned and would be ready to board upon their arrival in four days. In exactly one week, the Enterprise would leave for the Orion sector. Kirk boosted himself from the chair and headed for the bridge.

He stepped from the lift, stood by the railing, and watched the flurry of activity. Spock was remarkable. He was aware of what was happening with the trainees at each station. He would reach over and indicate the correct setting at the science station to one trainee, dictate the new coordinates to the navigator's position, while keying the course changes to the helm position. In his crimson uniform, complete with Captain's insignia, looking as immaculate as he ever did, he looked so dammed powerful that it almost sucked the wind out of Jim. Spock looked up and saw Jim standing at the rail. "Admiral Kirk, would you like to see a demonstration of the warp capabilities?"

"Not right now, Captain Spock. I need to see you." Jim saw Spock glance around the bridge and knew this was not an optimal time to take him away from his command. But for what he had to tell him, there would not be an optimal time. "I am sorry to interrupt your duties, but it cannot wait."

Spock nodded and looked to Saavik. "Mr. Saavik, you have the con. He then turned to Sulu. "Commander Sulu, please take charge."

Before turning to exit the bridge, Kirk looked toward Uhura, who was involved with the training of a young communications cadet. "Uhura, please have Dr. McCoy report to my quarters immediately."

"Certainly, Admiral," she responded with her usual efficiency.

Jim turned to the lift and as the doors opened, Spock followed him in. Spock turned to Jim, "Is this in regard to the message you received from Starfleet Command?"

"Yes, but let's wait until we get to my quarters. I don't want to discuss it here." Spock noted the tone was strained. He nodded and knew that what was to come would be difficult.

Entering the guest cabin, the door slid shut behind them and Jim turned to Spock. "I have received word that the Enterprise will have to return to spacedock. The Alexander has been destroyed."

Spock closed his eyes and sucked the faintest breath between his teeth. Opening his eyes, he looked at Jim and asked the question to which he already knew the answer. "Were there any survivors?"

Jim shook his head. "According to Admiral Nogura, no souls were saved."

The door to his quarters slid open, and Bones bounded into the cabin in his usual rushed style. The smile that had been spread ear-to-ear quickly disappeared when he saw the men standing in the room. "What the hell's going on? You two look like you've seen a ghost!"

"Bones, I have some bad news. I know this is going to hit you hard, but the Alexander has been destroyed."

"Dear God!" McCoy breathed. "Are you sure? Arianias? Captain Alexander? All of them?"

"Yes, Bones, I'm sure. No survivors. You got to know them quite well, especially Dr. Rand, when you were on Bakswana-7. I'm sorry.

"Arianias Rand is…was…one hell of a doctor, and a damned fine person." He sat down in the chair beside the desk. "Janice…has anyone contacted Janice?" Janice Rand, a yeoman during the early years of Jim's tour on the Enterprise, was the niece of Arianias Rand.

"I'm sure Starfleet is contacting all of the families. I know this is tough, but there's more. The Enterprise is needed immediately in the Orion sector. It is not a temporary assignment. The ship is being put back into deep space on what is now considered a regular mission. The both of you are assigned to that mission. Spock, I'm sure it will come as no surprise that you will be commanding her. The rest of the crew will consist of all senior crewmembers onboard along with other crew reassignments that are being arranged at this time."

"Admiral, I am not qualified…"

"Spock, you're going to try to tell me that you're not qualified to command a deep-space vessel. You're perhaps the most qualified in the 'Fleet, and you damned well know it."

"I know there is one other that is eminently more qualified."

"Not an option."

"Jim…"

Jim knew that tone of voice. Spock was about to launch into his 'this is not logical' speech. He didn't want to hear that. Not now. "Spock, the decision has been made."

Spock looked at his friend, his lover, and saw only the third ranking Admiral at Starfleet. This is what it came down to. Beyond anything else, Kirk was his commander. "When will the crew be informed?"

"Tonight is the formal dinner for the refit. After the other ceremonial duties are over, I will make the announcement."

"Will there be anything else?" Spock asked in voice that very few would recognize as controlled anger. It was certainly Spock at his most Vulcan.

"No, you may return to duty." As they had been recently, their shields were firmly in place. Jim was glad Spock couldn't see what this was doing to him. But a life dedicated to the service taught you one thing above all others; to accept the unacceptable, it was a point he had made to Bones just recently. And Jim could feel the beginnings of 'acceptance' take hold within him.

Spock turned to leave, but stopped before getting to the door and turned back. He glanced first at McCoy, who was still seated quietly in the chair, and then he looked toward Jim. "Admiral, I would like to know my options should I refuse this assignment."

"If your decision is to remain with Starfleet, there are no options."

"Then I shall reflect on that possibility when I consider my choices." He turned and left, the door sliding shut behind him before Jim could say anything. He knew Spock was strong willed, and had even mused to Bones just last night that Spock might opt for the Diplomatic Service, but he never really considered the possibility of Spock resigning.

Bones stood and raised his eyebrows in a very Vulcan-like imitation and left the room. He understood why commanding the upcoming mission was not an option for Jim. He wished Spock understood. Maybe his first stop would be the bridge.

Jim looked at the chrono. One hour until he had to report to the Officer's Mess and make this announcement.

Chapter 7

Dinner had been a formal salute to the refit of the Enterprise. There had been speeches and formal dedications. A plaque would be mounted in the main viewing chamber bearing a chip memorializing all of those who had died in her service. It was presented to her Captain. As Jim had handed the plaque to Spock, it felt as if he were handing over the baton. Jim moved to the side as Spock accepted the item and read the commemorative inscription. The dedication was complete. Just as the noise in the room begin to grow, as it always did when the end of the formal ceremonies were in sight, Jim came to stand once more at the podium.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you will please remain seated, I have another announcement." The noise stopped and all eyes were on him. He looked down at the table immediately in front of him. Bones, Scotty, Sulu and Uhura had their eyes riveted on him. Spock stood at his side and Jim glanced toward him and saw the broad shoulders tense as the crew quieted and turned their attention to the front of the room.

He turned his attention back to the hundred-plus senior officers and department heads seated at the tables. "I'm sure that some of you have seen the report regarding the U.S.S. Alexander and her brave crew. It's a sad day when we have to report any loss of any life, but the loss of a ship and entire crew is most unfortunate. Due to the loss of the Alexander, Starfleet has redirected the mission of the Enterprise. In four days we will return to base and the Enterprise will be reequipped for a long-term mission." He was not privileged at this time to tell them where, but the events of the last twenty-four hours made it quite obvious.

"All senior crew, with Captain Spock commanding, will remain assigned to this ship. All other replacements are being arranged and will report upon our arrival. The turnaround will be a quick one and it is expected that the Enterprise will depart in one week." His tone softened, "All orders are being forwarded and will be in hand within twenty-four hours." As his eyes glanced around the room, he saw the shocked expressions appearing on most of the faces as they looked to one another. "Dismissed."

For a few moments, the audience sat stunned in their seats. When the first movement did take place, there was only the sound of chairs as they shuffled. There was no sound other than that. The officers filed out in silence.

Jim turned to Spock, still standing to the side and behind him. Their eyes met. "Spock," Jim said, then softened his tone, "Spock…" He looked down and then back up. "I had to announce that you would be commanding this mission. That is, unless I hear differently from you."

"Given the circumstances, Admiral, I will accept this posting. I do, however, reserve my right to explore other possibilities."

Jim nodded. "Understood."

"If there is nothing more, I will retire to my cabin for meditation."

It was certainly a clear indication that Spock had decided he wanted to be left alone for the evening. Jim started to protest, but stopped. He did understand. He knew Spock had a lot to consider, and needed time to sort it out. He didn't attempt to stop him from leaving. Jim had stayed behind until the hall emptied in case there were any that wished to speak to him. But when he turned around, he and Bones were the only ones left.

Bones was still seated at the table, his arms crossed across his chest. Jim stepped over to the table. "Bones, if you are waiting to read me the riot act, it'll do no good. I have no control over this."

Amazingly, Jim saw the corners of McCoy's mouth move to a slight grin. "Hell, Jim, I know that. There's nothing to be done." The smile faded. "No one could foresee the destruction of the Alexander. Spock is none too happy about the situation."

Jim pulled out a chair and sat down. He shook his head. "No, he wasn't prepared to accept command of a long-range mission."

"Is he going to? Accept command, that is?"

Jim placed his elbows on the table and rubbed his forehead with his fingers. "Yes, he will initially. He has too much integrity not to. But as for what he will decide down the road, who knows?"

McCoy reached out and placed a hand on the slumped shoulders. "How are you doing with this?"

Jim straightened slightly and looked up. "I'm okay. Like you said, there is nothing else to be done. How about you? You were pretty close to some of that crew. How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay. It's sad, but hell, look at what we do. We climb into these buckets with enough explosives under our ass to blow up half the God damned galaxy and propel ourselves through space at speeds never thought possible two hundred years ago. Then we're devastated when something happens. It's a terrible situation all the way around. But, at least for now, I'll go where I'm needed. You need to tell him, you know. Tell Spock that you were denied a spot at the helm. Right now, I think he has that 'tossed to the wolves' feeling."

"I will. You're right, how can he understand? I'll tell him tonight, I promise." Jim moved his hands and massaged his temples with his thumbs. It was a move Leonard had watched him do for years and knew exactly what it meant.

"Good," McCoy stood up and said to Jim, "but first, you're coming with me. Let's go down to sickbay and get you something for that headache." Usually, he would get some protest against any offered treatment, but Jim just nodded and rose from his seat. It must be a bad one if Jim was giving in this easily.

Jim told Bones he would meet him in a few minutes. First he needed to stop by his cabin and see if there had been any messages forwarded to his comm. Leonard nodded and arranged to meet him in sickbay in fifteen minutes.

Arriving in his cabin, Jim saw there hadn't been anything sent except the expected, system-wide communiqués that told of the Alexander's demise. It was still hard to accept that such a fine captain and crew could be gone so quickly. It was something that everyone who worked on a ship had to come to terms with, but even that knowledge didn't stop the stabbing pain when he remembered the clear blue eyes that looked at him that morning years before, when Tori Amos had sat in his office and together they had worked to assign her crew.

Drawing a deep breath, he pressed his fingertips to his temples. The headache was not abating and he headed out to meet Bones.

Riding the turbolift down, he had a most unusual conversation with Spock's protégée and encountered Bones as he was waiting for the lift on the officer's deck.

"Wonderful stuff, that Romulan Ale." Bones bounced slightly on his toes as the turbolift doors shut. In the shower this morning, he found there were indeed areas of his body that were quite tender. It had been a while since he had had such a vigorous workout.

Jim's only answer was a quick nod and an agreeing flick of his eyebrows. Although not what he would call sore, there were definite reminders of their previous evening. He had a bruise on his side that he could only assume was caused from a rough encounter with one of the shower jets. Just as Jim was about to comment, the comm paged him. It was a message from Carol Marcus.

This was the one person Leonard hoped Jim would never again have to deal with. She had torn up his life many years before, and it seemed to have that effect on him whenever she reappeared. "It never rains but it pours," Bones quipped.

Jim turned to him, his eyes flashing with anger, "As a physician, you of all people should know the dangers of opening old wounds," he snapped.

Leonard knew that Jim was walking an emotional tightrope, but his reaction to this woman was always extreme. "Sorry…" Leonard uttered as Jim exited the turbolift in a rush. He and Spock knew the history behind Jim and Carol. They were the only two who Jim had ever confided in about what had happened between them. He told them about how he and Carol Marcus had become involved when he was a lieutenant on the Farragut. How she had had her contraceptive implant removed and not bothered to tell Jim until she was into her fifth month of pregnancy. How she had made it clear that she wanted Jim to have no part in the child's life. Hell, she had used him for nothing more than a sperm donor!

Even with her demands, Jim had set up a trust fund for them and tried to keep a rapport with Carol and his son by going to see them every chance he got. But the boy, never being told who Jim was, had never seemed to take a liking to him. The last time he had gone to see them was right before he reported to the Enterprise as her Captain. David was seven and saw Jim as competition for his mother's attention. After that, Carol requested that he not return. He had complied with her wishes and, as far as Leonard knew, except for a few attempts at vid communiqués that always seemed to tear his friend apart afterwards, Jim had not seen them since. Hearing from her now could not be good news.

Twenty minutes later, Jim walked into Spock's quarters and stood for a moment, just watching his bondmate. Kneeling on the mat, fingers steepled, looking every bit the royal, Jim waited for Spock to sense his presence. The face looked up, and dark eyes met his.

"We have a problem." How many times had he had to say this to him? Certainly too many times to count. "Something may be wrong on Regula-1. We've been ordered to investigate."

Spock relayed what facts he knew regarding the Regula-1 scientific laboratory, and they discussed the readiness of the crew. "Of course, the ship is yours."

"No, that won't be necessary." This was certainly not how he wished to regain command. Even for this brief time. There was only one Captain of the Enterprise, the man kneeling on the floor of this cabin.

"As a teacher on a training mission, I am content to command the Enterprise. If we are to go on actual duty, it is clear that the senior officer onboard must assume command"

"It may be nothing. Garbled communications. You take the shi…

"Jim," Spock interrupted him, his tone deepened from crewmember to lover. "You perceive from a false assumption. I am a Vulcan. I have no ego to bruise."

'Liar,' Jim thought. "You're about to remind me that logic alone dictates your actions?"

"I would not remind you of that which you know so well. If I may be so bold, it was a mistake for you to accept promotion. Commanding a starship is your first, best destiny. Anything else is a waste of material."

"I would not presume to debate you."

"That is wise."

Jim looked up and couldn't suppress the smile toward his bondmate. God, he did love him so. When they had a few minutes, he was going to show him just how much.

Spock continued, "In any case, were I to evoke logic, logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few."

"Or the one?" Jim said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"You are my superior officer. You are also my friend. I have been and always shall be yours."

The welcome warmth of relief flooded Jim. Whatever else happened, the feelings they held toward each other would never change. Jim turned and Spock was next to him. Jim reached for him and pulled him close, brushing his lips against the soft, warm ones. "Whatever else happens, I want you to know how much I love you," he whispered. Their lips met and, for a brief moment, nothing else mattered. Those words would soon ring in his ears.

Chapter 8

The next twenty-four hour period brought tragedies that Jim had hoped to never see. The ship was crippled, Captain Terrell was dead from a self-inflicted phaser blast, the scientists on Regula had been tortured and murdered, and Chekov, the bright young officer he had served with for so many years, had been reduced to God knows what. McCoy assured him that he'd repaired the internal damage, and had even released him for limited duty. But there was still the possibility for complications. And all of this, because Khan was out for revenge.

They picked up an unusual signal, the Genesis wave. It was on countdown to detonation and they had no power to escape the inevitable. Death for the entire crew was certain. He glanced around the bridge at the faces of those he had served with all of these years and, even sadder, the new faces, the faces that would have been the future. Now they would never be able to fulfill their destiny. His son, David, was standing beside him. A son that even as their lives ended, he could not put his arms around.

Was there any way to stop this? David shook his head, no. Then there was a look that flashed between them. It seemed that David realized the truth. But it was too late…much too late. David looked away and Jim's eyes were drawn back to the view screen, riveted, watching, waiting for the countdown to reach completion. A feeling of cold emptiness washed through Jim as he waited for the inevitable. Suddenly there was hope. The engines were back online. Warp speed is available. "Bless you, Scotty! Go, Sulu!"

Elation was suddenly shattered as Bones' voice broke through to him, the words seemingly ripped from his throat. "Jim…you better get down here….better...hurry." He knew. There was darkness in his soul that could not be explained otherwise. Euphoria spiraled down to deadly fear. He looked toward his bondmate's position. The seat at the science station was empty. And, in that one split-second of realization, all of the prayers he had ever heard spoken flowed through his mind. 'Please! No!' He knew his legs were carrying him toward the turbolift, he saw the doors open, heard his voice call the command for engineering, he was running through the corridor, but he could not feel any of this.

Sliding down the ladder and reaching the level of the reactor, he turned and all of his fears were realized. Spock was slumped against the back of the containment chamber. Why wasn't anyone trying to get him out of there? He ran towards the chamber but arms were holding him back.

"NO! You'll flood the whole compartment!" Bones shouted.

Fighting against the restraint, he struggled with all of his might to break free. His friend, his lover, his bondmate was slumped down inside the chamber, being burned to death. God! Instead of holding him back, why wasn't Bones trying to get to Spock? This couldn't be happening, not now! Spock couldn't die now! Not with all they still had ahead of them! It was too soon! He had to get to him. "He'll die!" Jim moaned.

"Sir...he's dead, already!" Scotty said sadly.

Jim turned toward the voice and saw the deadly finality in Scotty's face. Then he turned to McCoy. "It's too late, Jim," he whispered.

"Spock..." Jim called. He realized Spock couldn't hear him through the containment walls. He struggled to reach the intercom and pushed the key to activate it. "Spock!" Jim's anguish filled the room, the finality of realization creeping into his voice.

The burned figure struggled to stand, straightened his jacket, and turned toward the direction he knew to be the front of the chamber. Blinded, Spock ran into the plex enclosure. The face was so damaged that the skin was bubbled and peeling. He asked about the ship, and Jim assured him it was out of danger. Jim reached desperately for the link in his mind. For that moment, he knew if they were linked at the instant of Spock's death, he, too, would die. But it was not there. Never had he felt such emptiness.

"The needs of the many...outweigh..."

"The needs of the few," Jim finished the sentence when Spock's charred vocal cords would not allow him to do so.

"Or the one," Spock added, straining now to speak. Spock asked Jim what he thought of his solution to the Kobayashi Maru, as his legs began to give out and he went to his knees. Death was closing in on him, and there was nothing Jim could do to stop it.

Spock pulled off a glove, and even through the protective material the hands were discolored to shades of olive green in spots. He placed his hand against the plex and Jim longed to be able to touch the flesh. Just once more he wanted to feel that heated touch against his skin. But even that was denied him.

Spock drooped against the inside of the chamber, dead. His last words were echoing in Jim's ears. "Live long and prosper." How could he be expected to do either? Jim slumped against the outside of the enclosure. Bones had come to him, trying to get him up, but he pushed McCoy away. In his blind anguish, he felt resentment toward Bones for stopping him. Even then, he could almost hear Spock telling him that his reaction was illogical, but this was not a day for thinking logically. It was finally Scotty who brought him to his feet.

Bones was standing on the other side of the room from Jim. Occasional glances were passed between them, and even though some part of Jim wanted to go to him and offer comfort, he couldn't bring himself to do so. Scotty said it would take at least three hours to flush the containment chamber to the point where it was safe to open and retrieve the body. Blankets were brought in and strung around the enclosure to hide Spock's body from view. At that, Jim turned to see Bones leaving. Jim stayed. For the next three hours, he stood, and sat, and propped, and paced between the supports, all the while staring at the cocooned compartment.

Scotty bustled around, reading and adjusting gages, occasionally raising his voice in frustration towards one or the other of the engineering crew. His frustration was understandable. Not only had he just witnessed the death of a man he had worked with for over twenty years, even before Jim been named to command the Enterprise, a man he called friend, but Jim knew he was also still dealing with his own grief after the loss of his nephew; this situation certainly wasn't bringing the Scotsman any degree of comfort.

Jim didn't know how the rest of the ship was taking this. And, for perhaps the first time ever, he didn't even think of the ship as a priority. Sulu was in command and he knew she was in good hands. Other than a fleeting thought about who was in charge, his thoughts were centered on the chamber. Spock's death chamber. He only knew that he hurt, deeper than he had thought it possible. But when they finally drew Spock's lifeless form from the enclosure, he found a whole new depth of pain. He wanted to scream...to cry...to die, but he hadn't the energy to do any of those, so he just watched as the hovercart was pulled into position and the med techs lifted the body onto it. As they unfolded a black cloth, Jim wanted to run to the body and take it in his arms, but he stood frozen as he watched the burned face being covered.

Jim followed the cart to the doors of the turbolift, and he stood beside it as the lift carried them to the level that contained all the medical facilities. He stood to the side as the stretcher was moved into the corridor, and he followed it through the doors of sickbay. There was only one physician onboard, after all, 'this was only a training cruise,' he thought sarcastically. Unfortunately, that physician was also this man's lover. He couldn't begin to understand what it was going to be like for Bones to have to declare him dead. Leonard sat on the edge of the desk in the exam room as they entered. His medical staff was in the area, but still giving him the space he needed. His red-rimed eyes showing the grief he had experienced in these last hours.

For a moment their eyes met, but it was as if they were feeling the other's pain compounded on their own. Jim had to look away. A wave of nausea hit him and he had to repeatedly swallow hard to keep the hot bile from rising up in his throat.

Looking back, he saw McCoy rise from the desk and tell the techs to put the body in the first exam room on the biobed. It would be up to Bones to certify his death and enter the death certificate into the logs.

The covered form was slid onto the bed, and as they started to remove the blanket, Jim had to turn and leave. He had seen the burned face when it was placed on the hovercart, and could not stand be reminded of the pain Spock felt as he died.

Walking into the anteroom, he turned to one of the techs calling his name. "Admiral Kirk...Admiral Kirk?"

"Yes?" It came out as little more than a croak.

"The comm, sir. The bridge is paging you."

He hadn't even heard the page. Walking to the desk unit, he pressed the button and cleared his throat before saying, "Kirk here."

"Admiral Kirk," Sulu's voice responded. "What heading do you wish us to take, sir?"

Heading...heading...he should know this. "What's our position now, Commander?"

"We are currently holding a wide trajectory around Genesis. The last of the disturbances from the remnants of wave have passed, Admiral. Our scans show they have dispersed and no longer have the capability to cause harm."

The harm that the wave had already caused was immeasurable. "When radiation levels check out, tighten our orbit around Genesis. We'll take preliminary readings for Starfleet." Jim looked back toward the door leading to the exam room. "And, Commander Sulu, the funeral service for Captain Spock will be scheduled once we're in orbit."

"Yes, sir," Sulu added, the sadness in his own voice apparent. "Sir?"

"Yes, Commander,"

"It's just...those of us here on the bridge...we just want to express our condolences to you and Doctor McCoy, sir." Sulu's voice cracked.

"Thank you, Sulu," Jim breathed as he closed the comm link.

He turned from the comm to see Bones coming from the exam room. The best way to describe his appearance was ashen. "You okay?" was all Jim could say. If they got into a discussion on the horror of this, then they would both fall apart.

"Yeah...they're...finishing up in there," he said as he sat down at the desk.

"Bones...I'm sorry...for earlier..."

"Jim, don't. Not now. It's okay, I understand," Bones waved his hand.

Jim nodded. They weren't going to be able to discuss his death, not yet. There was too much else to deal with right now.

"So..." McCoy glanced up at Jim, "...what now? Take him to Vulcan?"

"No. There's not going to be time. We've got to go rescue the Reliant crew. They're stranded on Ceti Alpha V. Then we'll have to make best-speed to return to spacedock. This ship's slated for a mission as soon as repairs can be completed."

"Have you contacted Sarek and Amanda?"

"Uhura tried to get through to Vulcan, but we're out of range. I'm sure Starfleet has contacted them through the Vulcan Embassy."

"Hell of a way to find out," McCoy shook his head.

"Yeah, but it can't be helped. They have the right to know."

"So what, then? Bury him on Earth or in space?"

"I told Sulu that once we were in orbit around Genesis that we'd have a funeral service there. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, I think he'd like that. Being a part of somethin' new." Leonard started to rise from the chair, but his knees gave out. If he hadn't grabbed the desk, and if Jim hadn't been there to catch him, he would have gone to the floor.

"Bones!" Jim called.

McCoy found his legs and stood up just as one of the nurses rushed to him. He nodded to her and shook his head. Looking back at Jim, he said, "I'm okay. Just stood up too fast, that's all."

Jim let him go, keeping his arms ready to steady him if needed. But Leonard seemed to be balanced again. "You sure, Bones?" he asked.

"Yeah, just got a little light-headed for a second." He turned to the nurse, assured her he was fine, and dismissed her. He turned back to Jim. "I don't know about you, but I've had it with Starfleet, missions and the whole mess. I'm not gonna accept another assignment again anytime soon."

"Bones, it's too early to make decisions like that. Once we get through this..."

"Get through this? How do ya get through somethin' like this? I'm not going to be able to do it by climbing back on a ship, that's for sure."

"Then what, Bones? Going to your mountain cabin and brooding? Oh, God, Bones...you...wouldn't consider..." Jim remembered the images from Bones that they had seen during the mating fever. Once before Leonard McCoy had felt this lost, and had come damned close to killing himself.

"No!" Leonard answered emphatically. "Nothing like that. I couldn't to that to him, even to the memory of him. Actually, I'm thinking about heading out to Vulcan when we get back. Maybe take a leave of absence and spend some time there."

"Vulcan? Why there?"

"I don't know if I can explain it. As I watched him in that chamber, I thought about goin' back to the place where I lost him once before, back to the place where we were bonded, and the place where we've seen him through all that he has to go through. How about you? You wanna come with me?"

"What, and mourn for him over and over again? No thanks. I can't do that."

"You think you're gonna mourn him any less on this ship, or in San Francisco?"

"Any less? No…" Jim shook his head. "But if I can make his death stand for something, something more than the revenge of a madman, then...maybe...I'll be able to make some sense out of this...someday." He looked up to see a tech walking toward them.

"Admiral, Dr. McCoy," the tech said, "...we've finished. Do you want us to transport Captain Spock's body to the morgue?"

Bones looked at Jim; there was nothing less than a look of sheer panic in his eyes. The words tore at him as well, and Jim presumed that Bones' expression was quite reflective of his own at that moment. Spock being sent to the morgue? How could that be? There was none of this that seemed real. Leonard looked back at the tech. "No, Ensign. Order a photon torpedo casing. The body will be prepared for jettison."

"Yes, sir," the young man replied.

Chapter 9

In the shadow of the new planet, he had watched as the tube holding Spock's body was jettisoned out of the belly of the ship. He watched the glowing planet beyond and remembered Bones' words. The doctor had been right; it was apropos that Spock's body would be a part of this new beginning. He had broken down in front of the crew as he spoke. It was not the first, nor would it be the last time he would lose the fight for control.

The first time had been earlier in the day when together, Jim and Leonard had gone to Spock's quarters to retrieve something to dress him in. Jim had suggested a dress uniform, and had even considered having the ships store reproduce one of the old-style dress uniforms. He remembered the night just after the V'ger incident when the three of them had gone to eat prior to the reception honoring the crew from that mission. It was hard to believe that had been less than twenty-four hours after they had found each other again. Even harder to believe was that it had been more than ten years since that evening. As he remembered the pride he felt at being with them that night, he felt as if his heart were going to burst, and the first of the hot tears spilled onto his cheeks.

It was only Leonard's vocal veto of that idea, something about if Jim ever buried him in a dress uniform, he was going to come back and haunt him for the rest of his life, that brought Jim back to the task at hand. They had settled on the regular uniform until Bones palmed open a drawer and noticed a rectangle-shaped box. He pulled it from the drawer and laid it on the bed. Removing the top, they caught their first glimpse of the robe carefully packed inside. Each fold had been meticulously creased and layered. Jim could almost picture the long, delicate fingers as they folded the garment precisely and packed it carefully away. It was so like Spock to take such painstaking care of something that he must have held dear. They could see that a row of Vulcan symbols ran down the front, and although they didn't know the meaning, it seemed that there was no other choice than this one.

Bones looked up at him, a tear streaming from the corner of his eye. Jim nodded. He couldn't have formed a coherent word at that moment if his own life had depended on it. Carefully, Leonard replaced the lid. Before they left the cabin, they gathered up a bottle of native spiced oil that Spock had used often, the sandalwood soap that Spock had grown fond of using, and the black handled brush that for as long as they had known this man had kept the hair perfectly groomed. Jim stopped at the comm unit outside the cabin and called security. He placed the order that the cabin was to be sealed. Chekov, who was assisting in that area, assured him that he would see to it himself.

Arriving back in sickbay, McCoy dismissed all personnel and engaged the security lock on the door to the room. This, they had to do alone. They took up positions on opposite sides of the biobed. Bones looked up at Jim, and Jim nodded.

McCoy gently folded back the blanket covering the body, as if he were trying not to disturb the man underneath. It was the first time that Jim had looked fully at Spock since he had been carried from the containment chamber. Although he regretted the ragged gasp that escaped from him, even that was more controlled than the anguish that boiled up from inside at the sight. The skin on Spock's face was bubbled and raw. There were streaks of dark green on the forehead, cheeks, and below the chin where the tissue underneath was fully exposed. Deep, emerald patches were visible where the tissue on the face, shoulders, chest, and the tops of the arms still remained intact. Not until the forearms and hands did the skin show any signs of normality. And even then there were olive patches where the protective gloves had not been sufficient to protect the hands.

The hands, those beautiful hands. Jim reached out and slipped his own hand beneath the fingers closest to him. Although they no longer held the familiar heat of that touch, they were still long and delicate. The skin was still soft and smooth. His other hand closed in on top of the cool fingers. It wasn't until a drop fell and landed on his arm that he realized his control had once again failed him.

Over the next hour they cleaned Spock as thoroughly as possible, being very careful not to cause any further damage to the fragile skin, rinsed, and dried him. Using the bottle retrieved from the cabin, they gently anointed him with a mixture of the spiced oil and their own tears.

They dressed Spock in the robe, and before sealing the front of it, they made sure that the chain he wore, the one identical to the one worn by both Jim and Bones, was lying flat against his chest. It symbolized the bond that existed between the three of them, a bond that was forever silenced. As if on impulse, Leonard reached beneath his collar and grasped his own chain and pulled it over his head. Leonard looked and Jim. Jim nodded. Jim lifted Spock's head as Bones slid his chain over the dark hair. Then Bones did the same as Jim slipped his chain around Spock's neck. The three coin sized medallions lay together against the chest of their lifeless lover. The robe was sealed. Using it, they slid the body into the tube, and then rearranged it around the body with as much care as Spock had used in packing it away. Taking the brush, Leonard smoothed the hair into place over the forehead. When he was through, it was as sleek and shiny as always. They folded the arms and brought the fingers together at Spock's waist, slightly entwining them. With this, Leonard broke down and had to turn away. He stood facing the opposite wall until he was once again able to speak. "I'll be in the outer room when you are done," he murmured, glancing back for only a second.

"Bones..." Jim called hoarsely, stopping him at the doorway. "Saavik...they were close. There may be a...Vulcan farewell that she'll want to carry out."

Leonard nodded. "I'll contact her," he uttered softly as he stepped from the room.

Jim stood beside the tube and looked at this man for the last time. "Spock..." he whispered. "I loved you from the beginning. I always will. You completed me..." he drew a deep breath so that he could continue, "...in a way that I never thought another person ever could." Even swallowing against the knot in his throat didn't relieve the tightness in his chest or stop his eyes from brimming over. "Sleep well, my love," he wept. When he heard the outer doors to sickbay slide open he wiped the wetness from his face, dragged the heels of his palms sharply across his eyes, drew a deep, ragged breath, turned, and left.

"Admiral Kirk, Doctor McCoy, I offer you my deepest condolences," Saavik offered somberly as she stood outside the room that contained Spock's body.

"Saavik," Jim spoke up, "I know you were close to Spock, and that he had great interest in you. As a Vulcan, I thought you might have something that you would like to say or do..."

"Not being raised on Vulcan, I have little knowledge of the death rituals. However, I would like to see him, if I may, Admiral."

"Certainly, Saavik. He's...in there," Jim motioned towards the room behind him.

She went in and in a few minutes came back out. She, too, was finding it impossible to fight back the tears that overflowed. "Thank you," she bowed slightly, then turned and left.

Now only Bones was left to say his private goodbyes. Jim watched as he entered the exam room. When after a few minutes he heard the vacuum seal being activated on the casing, it sent a shiver through him. He felt a cold tremble radiate through his body.

He turned to watch as Bones walked toward him. He, too, was visibly trembling. Jim wrapped an arm around his shoulders and stiffly hugged him. They couldn't let their emotional barriers down now, there was still too much to do. Later...there would be time...so much time... It felt to Jim like the remainder of his life was laid out in front of him like an endless, empty chasm.

Sulu paged him and informed Kirk that they were in a tight orbit around Genesis. Jim advised him that all non-essential crew wishing to attend Spock's funeral could gather in the launch bay in one hour. He told Sulu to set a ship-wide tie in to all computers so that any who couldn't attend, or preferred not to share their grief in public, could watch the service from any view screen on the ship. Sulu acknowledged and the transmission was closed.

McCoy called the techs to have the casket transported to the launch bay while Jim saw to it that a Federation flag would be draped over the coffin when it was placed in position. Both Jim and Leonard went to their respective cabins to dress in full regalia.

Once in his cabin, Jim undressed and stepped into the sonic shower. He automatically reached his hand to the place where the medallion had hung for the last ten years. The bareness he found there was only the beginning of the emptiness that was threatening to consume him. The gaping hole that drove through his very soul was infinite.

There were memories...so many memories...that wanted to rush in and consume him. But he knew if he allowed them, he would never make it through the service. But...oh...those dark eyes...that voice when it was tinged with passion...those warm arms as they encased him... NO! He couldn't do this! Not now...maybe not ever. How do you open yourself up to that kind of pain? If he ever allowed himself to fall into that endless well of misery, he felt that he would never find his way out again. He pulled himself from the shower and dressed. It was time to go.

He had fought desperately to remain in control, but as Jim concluded the service with the words, "I only have this to say about the friend I have lost. Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels...his...was the most...human." Jim lost the battle and succumbed to a burst of grief.

"Honor...Hup!" Sulu commanded. Those in attendance snapped to attention. Scotty began playing the bagpipe salute, "Amazing Grace", as the tube started is slow progression to the launch-bay gate. Jim clenched his fists for support. It was only the nails cutting into his palms that kept him from crying out as the momentum of the tube increased and was launched from the ship. Even after it was gone from sight, there was little movement within the bay. It was as if those who had known him the longest could not believe he was gone, or if they stood there long enough, he would return.

It was Sulu, his own face showing the telltale tracks of his tears, who, with his authoritative voice, jarred the roomful of eyes away from the sealed gate with the announcement, "Crew dismissed! All of those on duty are to report back to your stations."

Shaken back to the present, Jim's eyes dashed toward him, grateful for the declaration that had begun to clear the bay. The look that passed between them was an assurance that his long-time friend and helmsman understood both his grief and his gratitude.

He turned when Scotty stepped to McCoy and placed a reassuring arm across the doctor's slumped shoulders. At his touch, the doctor straightened rigidly. "You ginna be all right, Doc?" Scotty asked softly, his concern for his friend obvious.

McCoy looked toward him, the blue eyes that were usually so full of fire and light looked vacant. "All right, Mr. Scott? Yes, I'll be fine."

Scotty flashed a glance toward Jim. A look of confusion was shared between them. Bones never used Scotty's proper name, unless they were in a formal setting, since the day they had met. Looking back to the doctor, Scotty said, "Len, I dinna have the words to tell ye how sorry I am."

"We've all suffered losses this day," McCoy answered, his voice sounding distant.

"Aye..." Scotty nodded, removed his arm, and looked back at Jim. "Admiral...if there's anything...anything at all…that I can do..."

"Thank you Scotty," Jim answered, hearing the pain in the voice. Spock had been loved by so many, yet there wasn't anything anyone could do. Scotty turned and walked through the door, leaving Jim and Leonard alone in the bay.

"Come on, Bones, let's get out of here," he said as he walked to his lover and placed a hand on his bicep. He felt McCoy stiffen against his touch and pull away slightly. "Bones?" he asked. "Are you okay?" Whatever was happening, this was not the reaction he would have expected.

"I'm fine, Jim," Leonard replied blandly.

Since they had finished preparing Spock, McCoy had seemed to shutdown. Jim decided that Bones must be experiencing some kind of post-traumatic shock. God knew there was sufficient reason. Maybe they just needed to go somewhere private so his friend could have a chance to let it all out. In these last hours, they had both been fighting so hard, usually in vain, to control their emotions. He would take Leonard back to his cabin and hold him while he went through all that he needed to.

Jim glanced back once more at the now sealed torpedo launch site and felt the familiar throb in his chest. "Let's go somewhere we can be alone for a while," he sighed to Leonard.

McCoy took a step forward, freeing himself from Jim's touch, turned to him and took a step back to increase the distance between them. "I'm going to sickbay. There's a lot that needs entering into the log. It'll probably take the rest of the night to get everything in order. I'll just see ya later, okay?" Bones asked, but Jim knew it wasn't a question.

He stood stunned as Bones turned around and left the bay.

Chapter 10

It had been five hours since the funeral. He hadn't heard from Bones, as a matter of fact the comm in his quarters had been deathly quiet. Then he realized that was a most appropriate analogy. Starfleet code. Everyone was giving him space, each crewmember trying to find their own way to get through this tragedy. Although he appreciated the consideration of the crew, he found that the quiet within the cabin left little else to do but remember. He saw the book that Spock had given him for his birthday. His hand slid across the aged leather, a finger traced the lettering that had become worn in the ages since it was printed. He knew the care Spock had taken when this was picked out for him.

He fingered through the pages, knowing that Spock would have done just this, making sure of the quality, before it was purchased. Spock knew of his affinity toward antique books. It was a passion that they had shared. Oh, God! How many times had Jim entered the library at the apartment to find Spock sitting there, the back of Spock's head the only thing visible above the high-backed wing chair, reading one of the many books from the floor to ceiling shelves that lined that corner of the room. Jim would walk up behind him, run his hands through the dark hair, and trace the tips of those delicately pointed ears with just a fingertip in an attempt to lure Spock's concentration away from whatever it was he happened to be reading at that moment.

Jim shook his head, trying to distance himself from those treacherous memories. It was just such memories that would be his undoing, if he allowed it.

Opening the book, he began to read; 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us...'

He drew a deep breath; the words were far too prophetic. He tossed the glasses on the table, shattering a lens, and laid the book aside. 'Message Spock?' he silently asked. The only answer came with the stabbing pain, centered in his chest, which had been with him these last hours.

That night in his quarters, David came to him. Carol had confirmed David's suspicions. As pleasant as it was to no longer have to hide his identity, their reunion was a bittersweet one. The man standing before him was just that, a man in his twenties. The years when Jim could have made a difference in his life were lost. But the days for trying to place blame were gone. What was done was done, and this was just another of the many things he would have to accept.

"I don't like to lose," he had quipped so arrogantly. Well, this time he had lost. He had lost his friend, his lover, his bondmate, had lost the years when he could have been a father to David, and maybe most of all, he had lost the innocence that comes from years of cheating death, scoffing at the possibility that it could touch him. That's what he tried to explain to David that evening, but even his son couldn't begin to understand.

David stayed on the bridge the next two days as they traveled to Ceti Alpha V. Jim found some measure of relief in his presence. At one point, Jim noticed that perhaps it wasn't staying close to him that had David so interested in the bridge, but rather it was Spock's young protégée that held his interests. His attention in Saavik was only equaled by her aloofness toward him, tinged with the occasional glance, which seemed to have the effect of keeping his interest piqued. Once, Jim felt himself inwardly smiling at the interplay that was happening between them, but that one moment of letting his guard down caused that same piercing pain to erupt within him. More than once, he had to leave the bridge to regain his emotional composure.

The atmosphere on the Enterprise was subdued, especially among the crew who had served her for these years. Spock's death had affected them all deeply. But one officer onboard seemed particularly quiet. Commander Pavel Chekov had grown progressively reserved since departing the Genesis planet. Although not an official member of his crew, Jim had known this man since he was a fresh-faced kid just out of the Academy, and despite all else, he couldn't help but be concerned about him. He had gone through a lot in these last days; the capture and abhorrent mistreatment by Khan, witnessing the massacre of all but the few remaining members of the Genesis team, the suicide of Captain Terrell, and the death of Spock, someone Pavel had worked closely with, someone who had closely mentored him, during those first years.

Although Jim had noticed these changes in Chekov, he wasn't inclined to address the situation with the man. It wasn't until after the dinner hour when Uhura walked with him toward the officers' quarters that he realized that he was not the only one noticing the changes.

"Admiral," she said softly, "I know the loss you've suffered, and if I didn't think this was important, I wouldn't bring it up."

"What is it, Uhura?" he stopped in the corridor, turned to her and asked.

She glanced around to make sure they were alone, and slightly pursed her lips before responding. "It's Pavel Chekov, sir. I wanted to know if he's all right. He seems so...distant...even more so than he was after he was rescued. I tried to speak to Dr. McCoy about him, but he said something to the effect of, 'Mr. Chekov is dealing with illogical human emotions and would only be helped by putting those away and getting on with the task at hand."

"McCoy said that?"

"Yes, sir. I know he's been through a lot, too. I guess I shouldn't have bothered him, but I'm getting concerned. I know I haven't worked with Pavel...er...Commander Chekov in the last few years, but I guess I still have those 'big sister' feelings about him. I hate to put this on you, sir, but none of us can talk to him. Even Sulu has tried, but...well, they went through a bad spell some years back, and he won't spend anytime alone with Hikaru. Scotty would be a good one to talk to him, but he is still so torn up about Spock and his nephew, Peter, that I'm afraid he's no help right now, either. I'm just not sure who else to turn to, sir."

Jim watched her and saw the concern for the people she cared about written on her beautiful face, the weight of worry causing her shoulders to droop. Jim knew that no matter his own feelings, he needed to do something to allay her concerns. "I'll talk to him, Uhura," he nodded.

"Thank you, Admiral," she nodded. "Again, I'm really sorry to put this on you...especially now..."

"It's okay. I've been concerned about him, too." Jim looked at her and gave a brief smile, forced as it was.

Jim went into his cabin and checked in with Scotty, who had the con. Considering the repairs that were still underway, they were making good speed to Ceti Alpha V, and all seemed to be running smoothly for the first time in days. He then paged Bones who had been hold-up in sickbay for more than a day.

"McCoy," came across the comm.

"Bones," Jim addressed, "I've had someone come to me about Pavel Chekov. Before I speak with him, I wanted to hear what you think. Is he okay? Did you clear him for duty?"

"Admiral, if it is Commander Uhura who came to you, I have already told her that Commander Chekov is dealing with conflicting emotions regarding the recent events. The best thing for him right now is to get his mind off of what's happened and concentrate on what needs to be done."

"Bones, the man's been through a lot. I think you as much as anyone could relate to what he's going through." Jim knew his tone had grown irritated, but whatever it was that Bones was trying to prove with this 'nothing can touch me' attitude was growing thin. "Medically, Doctor, how is he doing? Can you at least tell me that much?"

"Medically, he checks out. There are no residual effects from the Ceti Eel. I inserted a tissue expander and reconstructed the auditory canal. Later, he may need some additional reconstruction to thin out the tympanic membrane, but other than that, he should be fully healed within a few days."

"So you cleared him for duty?"

"Sir, I saw no reason that he should not return to light duty if he felt up to it. I did not specifically sign him back on duty since he is not technically a member of the Enterprise crew."

"Bones, it's me, Jim. We need some time to talk. Can I come down after I talk with Chekov?"

"That wouldn't be wise. We will have the Reliant crew beaming onboard in six point seven hours, best guess according to the bridge, and I have things I must attend to before their arrival."

"Bones..."

"If that's all, Admiral Kirk," McCoy stated.

"Sure...that's all," Jim muttered.

"McCoy out," Leonard replied and closed the communication.

Jim just stared at the unit for a minute. Maybe it was Spock who had held them together, and now that he was gone, maybe Leonard really did feel nothing for him. It wasn't that Jim wanted to wallow in grief, but he wanted to hold someone and have someone hold him for just a while. He wanted to feel some of that connection that had been between the three of them before...before. He wanted to feel something besides the total aloneness that seemed to surround him. Taking a deep breath, and putting his own concerns behind him, Jim paged Chekov and asked him to come to his cabin.

Chapter 11

Chekov had been put up in a cabin just four doors down from Kirk's, but it took him over ten minutes to arrive. When Jim commanded the door to open at his signal, the man standing in the threshold was certainly different from the eternally youthful man he had known for all of these years.

"Admiral Kirk, you wanted to see me?" Pavel asked.

"Yes, please, come in," Jim invited and indicated two chairs with a wave of his hand. He took one and had Pavel sit in the other.

"Is there something wrong, Admiral?" Chekov asked.

"Nothing in particular. There are just some things I'd like to talk over with you," Jim said as they settled themselves.

"What things, sair?" Chekov asked.

"First of all, I want to know how you're doing."

"Me, Admiral? I'm fine," Pavel answered, his face showing his confusion at being called the Kirk's cabin.

"Chekov...Pavel, there's something troubling you, something more than...Spock's death," even now Jim found it hard to say those words, "...isn't there?"

"Aye, sair. I still can't believe Mr. Spock is... But there's nothing else that I would want to concern you with," Pavel answered, his eyes dropping to the floor. "You have already been through so much these last days," he continued, the concern evident in his voice.

"Pavel, you've been through quite a lot these last days as well. God knows we all have...but you seem particularly upset. I know I'm only your acting commander, but we've known each other a lot of years, and I still consider you a friend. If there's something bothering you, then it's no trouble. I want to help if you will let me. Pavel...are you still feeling the...effects of that...organism?" Jim asked. The sight of that...thing...as it had crawled out of Chekov's body had been disturbing to say the least. He couldn't imagine that there would be no lasting effects.

"No, Admiral. That is...nothing other a headache. But it's manageable. Dr. McCoy said that would be normal until the tissue regeneration was complete, maybe a few days. It's..." he paused and looked toward Jim, "...this...all of this..."

Jim gave him a chance to explain, but it seemed no explanation was forthcoming. "All of what, Pavel? I can't help unless you tell me what's going on."

"I don't think anyone can help." Jim had never seen Chekov so downtrodden. "You see, sair, this...all of this...is my fault. I started it."

"Pavel, what do you mean you started this?" Jim questioned in disbelief.

"If Captain Terrell and I hadn't allowed Khan to confiscate the Reliant, then none of this would have happened."

"How did that happen, Pavel? How was Ceti Alpha V mistaken for Ceti Alpha VI?"

Chekov shook his head and stared off to the side for a moment. Looking back, he replied, "I know the captain ordered a complete scan of the system, which Mr. Beach ran. All planets were accounted for, including Ceti Alpha V, which showed the ban on approaching that planet. According to the charts we had, the rotation of Ceti Alpha V and VI were in direct opposition to one another. Khan said that Ceti Alpha VI was destroyed six months after they were sent there. There must have been another body, a meteorite or similar body caught within the Ceti Alpha system when VI was destroyed. Because of the shift in the rotation of the planet, it lay at the coordinates where Ceti Alpha VI should have been.

"Mr. Kyle and I were monitoring the planet readings. The atmosphere and the environment were all consistent with what we expected for Ceti Alpha VI. We picked up a minor reading on the dyno-scaner, but there were no significant life-signs from the planet. I know there was a magnetic field that Mr. Kyle had to adjust for, it had to be interfering with our instruments. Anyway, we thought what we were reading might be a particle of pre-animate matter. I even double-checked when we contacted Dr. Marcus. The captain and I beamed down to the planet. That's when we discovered the cargo carriers that carried the name Botany Bay. I couldn't believe it. I told Captain Terrell that we had to get off the planet immediately. I don't think I had a chance to tell him why. When we left the cargo carriers, they were waiting for us."

"You recognized the Botany Bay as being the name of Khan's ship?"

"Aye! I had just reported to the Enterprise at the time of our encounter with him, I hadn't even been assigned to the bridge team yet. But that's something I wouldn't forget. He recognized me, but I'm still not sure how he knew who I was."

"He had access to the ship's computers when he was in sickbay. I think he memorized the crew from that. He had a photographic memory."

"When he started accusing you of stranding him on the planet, I couldn't understand why they were on Ceti Alpha VI. It wasn't until he told me it was Ceti Alpha V and the story about the rotation of the planet being altered that I realized where we were. Captain Terrell told him he had never even met you, and Khan went crazy. 'Admiral Kirk...Admiral Kirk...' he kept repeating, as if your rank enflamed him. We wouldn't tell him anymore, that's when he...put those things..."

"It's okay, Pavel. From what Dr. McCoy has put in the report, there was very little you could do to resist the mind-control capabilities of that organism. The effect it creates..."

"You would have, sair," Pavel once more became subdued, his voice almost a sob.

"Why would you say that?"

"I've seen you resist mind-control devices in the past. We've all seen you when you were able to stay in control...situations where no one else could. I wanted to be like that...wanted to stay strong...wanted to be like you...but I couldn't..."

"Pavel, don't!" Jim stood up and walked to the viewport before turning back to the man seated in the chair. "Don't do this! Not to me, and not to yourself!" He tried to calm down, seeing the shock on the face of the man seated before him. With a softer tone, he continued, "I remember the years we served together, and I have to admit that I found it flattering that you held me in such high regard. I knew it, so did everyone on the ship. I don't think you ever did look at me realistically. And, on some level, I think I promoted that. Hell, it was nice having someone like you look up to me as some kind of hero.

"But I screwed up a hell of a lot more than I'd care to admit. I'm sorry now that I didn't let you see that more often. I'm just a man, Pavel. I make mistakes. The difference was, I had the best crew in the 'Fleet backing me up. And I don't know if you remember this or not, but that included this kid, green as they come, who had insights that were purely amazing and could navigate us onto the head of a pin if I needed him to. Of course, he had this unnerving ability to attribute every known invention to a certain Russian 'little old lady', something that drove our science officer to distraction, but I sure had a lot of faith in him then, and I still do."

"I remember him, I'm just not sure what happened to him," Pavel looked down and said despairingly.

"Chekov, you aren't wearing those Commander stripes because they just hand them out to everyone. I know what you're capable of, and so does Starfleet. What you've accomplished in these years since you left us is pretty incredible. I know this thing with Khan has thrown you for a loop. Hell, it's irrevocably changed us all. But I've never come up against a situation like the one you faced. You can't base your judgment of yourself against a situation that's never happened. And, as I've been reminded lately, second guessing ourselves doesn't help."

"Aye...if you say so, sair." Chekov sighed, as if still unconvinced. "But, Admiral, the Reliant crew...if they have survived, I'm their senior officer now that Captain Terrell is dead. I still can't believe that Captain Terrell is dead, so is Spock and the majority of the Genesis team. How do I explain...how do I get past this?"

Jim remembered it wasn't too many nights before that he had asked Spock almost the same thing. He sat down on the edge of the chair, his forearms propped on his knees, and he leaned toward Chekov. "Pavel, a very wise man once told me, 'all of us have to cope with turmoil in our own way.' I guess that's the best answer I can give you. He told me to rely on my instincts. I think that's the best advice I can pass on to you."

Chekov looked up and a small smile hinted at his mouth. "I can guess who the wise man was. I can almost hear him saying that."

Jim nodded. As they left the Genesis planet behind, McCoy had said, 'He's not really dead. Not as long as we remember him.' It was true. All Spock had given to them during his life remained with them. "Yes..." Jim answered.

"I'm sorry to bother you with this. I forget how much you must be hurting. Captain Spock was your bondmate. I remember when you, Captain Spock and Doctor McCoy returned from Vulcan. The three of you were very happy. That's when I decided to transfer. I wanted to find that kind of happiness...I thought I had...once."

"With Sulu?"

Pavel looked up, the surprise showing in his face. "Yes...how...we were very discrete. Maybe too discrete."

"I didn't know for sure...I just suspected. Why too discrete, if I may ask?"

"Sulu was a lieutenant and I was only an ensign when we realized our feelings for each other were mutual. At the time, our having a relationship was against regulations since I was considered under his command. Since neither one of us wanted to jeopardize our position, we kept our relationship very private. Not long after I was promoted to lieutenant, Sulu was promoted to commander; that was just before the first mission ended. Same problem, just higher ranks. I wanted to stop hiding what we were to each other, but Sulu thought that was unwise. Foolishly, I thought that by making him jealous, he would want me back enough to agree with me. I was mistaken. He got very angry and said he wasn't going to wait around while I became just like...well, never mind what he said." Jim noticed a flush that all but consumed the man seated across from him. It wasn't hard to figure out who it was Sulu didn't want Pavel to become like.

"It's okay, I think I know. Like me, Pavel?" Jim couldn't help the small grin that escaped.

"Da," Pavel admitted nervously. "He said he wasn't going to stand by while I, excuse me sair, 'made it' with every female in the galaxy and kept him on the side like you did with Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy."

This time it was actually a chuckle that escaped from Jim. "Actually, Mr. Sulu was quite mistaken."

"Sair?"

"Mr. Spock, Doctor McCoy and I didn't have a relationship during those years, other than a deep friendship, that is."

Once again, a look of surprise bathed the Russian's face. "You didn't?" he asked in amazement. "But we all thought...that is...you were so close that..."

"Pavel, we didn't. Not until the very end of that mission. And even then it didn't turn out so well. It wasn't until after the V'ger mission that we found what we really wanted."

"You mean ALL those women, it wasn't just a cover for..."

"What do you mean, 'ALL' those women? There wasn't THAT many, were there?"

"Da...there was," Pavel nodded as he answered. A smile bathed the face of the younger man, a smile that Jim had forgotten. For the first time since the rescue, this seemed to be the Pavel Chekov he remembered. And, Jim realized, that he too was smiling, and the pain he had felt was somewhat diminished for the moment.

"Pavel, what we found together came only after years of denial and rejection. You remember I told you that I've made mistakes? Well, I made some big ones during that time. I almost ruined what we had. If what you had with Sulu is worth saving, then go to him. I can tell you from experience that each day lost with someone you love is regretted later."

"Maybe you're right. It's ironic that now it wouldn't matter about our rank if we were both willing, but now we're the same rank, and we seem even further apart than we ever were. I just wonder if he can ever forgive me."

"There's only one way to find out, and it's not sitting here talking to me, Commander. There's another six hours before we get to Ceti Alpha V. Now, you can spend the time in your cabin second-guessing your past actions, or go find out if you have a future." Jim raised his eyebrows. "So, do you want to spend the next hours hold-up in your cabin?"

"Nyet!" Pavel stated emphatically as he stood up. "I think I need to go see someone, that is, with your permission that I be excused, sair."

"Permission granted, Chekov," Jim grinned. He hoped with all his heart that the two could find each other again. Everyone deserved the happiness he had felt these last years.

"Thank you, Admiral!" Chekov stated as he started for the door. "And, about the Reliant crew, I wish to be on hand when we beam the survivors onboard, sair. I want to make sure they are all right, and I have a lot of explaining to do."

Jim looked up to the face that was no longer the youth he remembered, but a man capable of both command and love. "Certainly, Commander, you belong with your crew. And, Pavel..."

"Yes, sair?"

"Hold on...if this works out, hold on for dear life. Because any time you have together is very dear indeed."

Pavel nodded and swallowed deeply before leaving Jim in his cabin, alone once more.

After the man left, Jim walked back to the viewing portal and watched the multitude of stars as they streaked by. It was a sight that made those unaccustomed to space travel ill, but it was a sight that had always before brought Jim comfort. However, there was no comfort found in the view this evening. He was great at handing out advice, but he was never very good at taking it himself. What was he doing here alone when there was a man three decks down who stirred his passions in a way that only one other ever had? There was still those same six hours left to him, and knowing Leonard McCoy, the sickbay was not in great need of preparation. With determination he turned from the portal. He'd lost Spock; he wasn't going to let Bones slip away too. "I'll be damned if I'm going to let it end like this, Doctor!" he said as he made his way to the door.

Chapter 12

Jim entered the sickbay and noticed the lights were at off-duty low. There was no hub of preparation going on. He walked to the back of sickbay where McCoy's private office was located and palmed the door. It was dark inside, but he felt that he wasn't alone. "Lights to one-quarter," he commanded.

Even in the soft light, it took him a moment for his eyes to adjust from the bright corridors to where he could discern the shapes in the room. In the corner beside the bunk, McCoy sat hunched in the floor.

"Bones!" Jim all but shouted as he rushed toward the figure.

McCoy straightened and looked at Jim, the eyes as vacant as they had been since the funeral. "Yes, Admiral?" McCoy responded.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jim demanded.

"Just thinking, Admiral Kirk. I have patients on their way, and I was considering all that would need to be done."

Jim sat on the edge of the bunk, on one hand relieved that McCoy seemed okay, but on the other distressed that he was still acting so distant. "Bones, will you cut out the 'Admiral' crap! I don't know what you're trying to prove, but I know better than anybody what you're going through!"

Leonard rose from the floor and ordered the lights to full. Jim had to squint now that he had become more accustomed to the lower light. "I don't know what you mean, sir. I'm merely making sure that I'm mentally prepared for what's to come."

"Goddammit, Bones!" Jim rose up and came face to face with the man. "Maybe this is just your way of trying to get through this, but I need you! And I can't believe for a minute that you don't need me as well. We've lost someone very important to us." Jim softened his tone and brought a hand to the side of Leonard's head and stroked down the side of the face gently with the back of his fingers. "I know the bond that existed between us is gone. Spock held that part of us together. But that doesn't mean that I don't still need you..." he leaned in and kissed McCoy very lightly; there was no response. "It doesn't mean that I don't still love you..." he whispered as he leaned in and kissed him again with the same result. "I loved you long before we were bonded, that'll never change..." this time he kissed him a bit more forcefully. He felt Leonard's mouth become rigid under his touch, but then there was just the slightest movement. With the movement came a ragged breath.

Suddenly Bones wrapped his arms around Jim and held him in a death-grip. "Oh, GOD, Jim! Help me! I feel like I'm coming apart!" he sobbed into Jim's neck.

Jim held him as tightly as he dared without injuring the man in his arms. "It's okay, Bones. I'm here. We'll get through this."

"Take me back, Jim...take me back to Genesis," Leonard wept.

The request shocked Kirk. "Genesis? Bones, he's not there. You won't find what we've lost on that planet."

"He's there! I have to find him!"

Jim pulled back and grabbed McCoy by the shoulders. "Bones! He's gone! Don't you understand? We won't find what we lost back there. We'll only find it with each other. It's like when you were lost on Bakswana-7. The only comfort we found was with each other and the love we both felt for you."

McCoy pushed hard against Jim and backed away, almost knocking Kirk to the floor. Had he not grabbed the edge of the bunk, he would have fallen. "Don't you understand?" McCoy shouted. "I don't remember what it was like to love you...or him! I can't remember what it was like to be with either of you! I need to go back there to regain that!"

"Bones..." Jim whispered in disbelief. "You don't remember us?"

"Oh, I remember the events, I just don't remember what it was to FEEL anything about that time!"

"It's just the grief, Bones..."

"Don't you get it? I'm not grieving! He's gone. He was an excellent officer and a credit to Starfleet. He was a good man. He'll be missed. On that level, yes, even I feel regret that he's dead. But anything else I'm capable of feeling, seemed to go right out that chute with his body. That's what I mourn, Admiral. I grieve for the man I once was. Not for the man who gave his life in the line of duty, that's something that everyone who serves in Starfleet is committed to. And I'm not grieving for us. What we had...well, that's also gone."

"Bones...Leonard..." Jim didn't know what else to say. The nickname he had used for this man from their first meeting no longer seemed right. That man had been a friend from those first minutes and later a lover. This man was an acquaintance, nothing more, if he was to be believed.

"Admiral, again, I request to be taken back to Genesis. If you can't comply with that request, then I have things I need to be doing." McCoy rounded his desk, sat down, and pulled up the information on the crew that was to be rescued in the next few hours.

Jim stood in the room stunned to numbness. Finally getting his wits about him, he walked to the edge of the desk. "Bones..." He placed a hand lightly on the squared shoulders and felt the muscle tense beneath his touch. He pulled his hand back and thrust it into his pocket. "I can't take you to Genesis, Doctor. The safety conditions are unknown, and we have tasks we must attend to. The rescue of that stranded crew is first on our agenda, then we are to proceed to Starbase 9 for transfers."

"Then, Admiral, we have nothing else to discuss."

"No…I guess we don't." Jim turned and walked to the door. It slid open, but before it closed behind him, he turned and said, "Bones...if you change your mind, my cabin will be open for you."

There was no acknowledgment from the man seated at the desk. The door slid shut.

Twenty minutes later Jim toweled off after his shower and slid beneath the covers of his bed. Had any of this seemed real, he knew he would have cried himself to sleep. But none of this was real. Sure, Spock was dead. But all they had together wasn't lost. And, sure, Bones was acting crazy, but that was just grief and, as soon as it hit him, he would be back. Jim had left the security lock off his door just in case. He knew no one else would enter unannounced, and he wanted to make it clear to Bones that he was welcome if he did happen to change his mind.

In the subdued light, his eyes kept falling on things that reminded him of the two men he loved. The book, still open on the table beside the chair, the glasses that Bones had given him, now with a cracked lens, the box that had held Spock's burial robe and now held the items they had used to prepare his body. Jim flipped over in the bed and shoved the pillow roughly under his head. There, thrown across the chair on that side of the bed was the uniform he had discarded quickly when he changed for Spock's funeral. Everywhere he looked held memories. "Lights off...close viewport," he commanded, plunging the room in complete, utter darkness.

Rest was not going to come easily. And he knew he had to be back up in just a few hours to oversee the rescue of the stranded crew. Pavel Chekov may be the Reliant's senior officer, but for the time being, he was the commander of the Enterprise, and he still had his duty to attend to. It was then that he saw the flicker of light as his door opened and closed. His heart soared. Bones had changed his mind!

Jim scooted over in the bed and threw back the sheet to welcome him. "I'm glad you came," he whispered, letting Bones know he was welcome.

There was movement on the bed. There was a strange odor that hit Jim's nose. Jesus! Had Bones gone to the botany lab after their encounter in sickbay? Jim swore he caught the sent of lilacs. Hell, he didn't care if he smelled like a cow pasture; it was going to be good to just wrap him in his arms.

The body sliding next to him felt wrong. Then the distinctively feminine voice said, "I'm glad you're glad."

"WHAT THE..." Jim shouted. "Lights to full!" he ordered. "Carol! What the hell are you doing?"

Chapter 13

Lying in his bed next to him was the women who, until recently, he hadn't seen except through the rare vid in over fifteen years. With just her fingertips, she stroked down his chest, scraping a light path from his breastbone to his navel with her nails. "Jim, I know the last days have been hard on you. I thought you might not want to be alone tonight. Besides, it felt like we had made a connection in the last few days."

"A connection!" Jim moved away from her hand, rose from the bed, and quickly pulled on his trousers. "Are you kidding?" If everything else that had happened in the last days seemed unreal, this seemed positively preposterous. "Carol, believe me, I appreciate the offer. But whatever you thought you picked up on lately, it certainly wasn't...this!"

"Jim..." Carol had come to her knees on the bed, and except for the sheet covering her from the lower abdomen down, she was exposed, and making no effort to alter her state. Her body didn't go unnoticed by Jim. He had to admit, she had changed little in the years since he had last been with her. "We once had a good thing together."

"A good thing?" Jim's voice grew louder. The signal to his cabin sounded, but he ignored it. He sure wasn't in the mood for company at the moment. "Goddammit! Just when the hell was that? When you wouldn't confide in me that you had your contraceptive implant removed?" The incessant signal sounded again. "Go away!" he shouted toward the outer room. Turning back to Carol, he continued, his voice not growing any quieter, "Or maybe it was when you found out you were pregnant but didn't bother to let me know! Maybe it was the twenty-three years when you denied me access to my own son! Twenty-three years that he had no idea who his father was and you wouldn't let me near him!" Jim picked up her clothes and threw them on the bed.

"Please, just get dressed and get out of here. I've known what it was to love, and to be loved, in these last years. Where in my younger days I just might have taken you up on your offer, I'm not willing to settle for something so meaningless anymore."

Carol picked up the clothes and clutched them to her, but made no move to put them on. "Jim, come back to Regula with me. If it's wealth you want, I can show you how to make more than you could ever dream of. We need time, but together we can have everything we talked about when we were young. Let me show you, Jim. If you come with me, you'll decide..."

"Carol, don't you get it? Whatever we had in the past is over. I'm not interested. What we could have had together is David, but you wanted him in your life, and you refused to let him have any part in mine. Please...just go!"

"Is it because I'm a woman? I know you've spent these last years in a homosexual relationship, but I interested you once."

Jim felt the anger building within him. Something in the back of his mind tried to tell him to calm down and not carry this out, but he rarely listened to that voice in the back of his head, and he wasn't going to start now. "You think the reason I don't want to take you to bed is that you're a woman?" he seethed. "Don't underestimate yourself, Carol! The reasons I care nothing about sharing any part of my life with you has little to do with gender. In the years I've known you, you have used trickery, deceit, lies, and deception to get whatever you wanted. I don't need another round of that in my life! Even if I have to spend the years I have left totally alone, it would be better than spending them with someone I can't trust! Now, get the hell out of my cabin before I call security!"

Jim turned and walked around the partition that separated the sleeping quarters from the rest of the suite. His first inclination was to get a drink; God knew he could use one. "David!" he exclaimed.

"David?" Carol cried out from the other side of the partition.

"I rang, Admiral, but when I heard shouting, I let myself in," he stated coolly.

Jim shrugged. There was little he could say. He had left the security lock turned off on his door, not a mistake that he would ever again make. He found he wasn't that surprised at this latest turn, considering how the rest of the night had gone. "Have you been here long?" Jim finally asked, flashing his eyes toward the area where his bed lay.

"Long enough to clear up some things that have always bothered me," he stated.

"David, what are you doing here?" Carol asked breathlessly as she rounded the corner, still adjusting her clothing.

"I saw you coming in here. I thought it might be a good opportunity for the three of us to sit down and clear the air. But anything I wanted to know, has been answered, Mother."

"David, you don't understand..." Carol protested.

"What? That the first twenty-three years of my life were a lie? You told me that my father was a scientist and that my conception was an implant. Then, because there were so many similarities between us, I began to suspect that Jim Kirk was my father. When you finally admitted that he was, you told me that he didn't want a family. That my not knowing him was his idea. It sounds like that wasn't the truth, either."

Jim turned around toward Carol. "You told him it was my idea to stay away?"

Carol looked between them. "I did what I thought was best, for all of us." She took a few steps toward her son and addressed him specifically. "David, I wanted you in my world. Jim didn't want a child. It was only after you were born that he started to take any interest in you. He was off flying around the galaxy. I didn't want you spending your life chasing after some romantic notion. What kind of life would that have been? I wanted you with me, where I could give you a stable environment."

"Carol," Jim stepped toward her and interjected. "You took the decision on whether or not I wanted a child away from me. I'll admit I wanted to pursue a life in Starfleet and didn't handle the news of your pregnancy as well as I should have. But I tried to maintain a relationship with David. I set up the trust fund to assure that neither of you would ever want for anything. I visited at every opportunity, until you told me that my presence upset him and you requested that I never return. After that, I respected your wishes."

"A trust fund? Mother, is he speaking of the trust fund that you told me was a bequeath from your family?"

Carol answered, but here eyes never left Jim. "David, I couldn't tell you where the money was coming from."

"Mother...we've used that money for our work on the Genesis project. Do you know what the implications will be..."

"That's enough David!" Carol flashed her eyes toward her son and snapped. "The money was there to use as we saw fit. It afforded you the best education available and saw you begin your career as one of the premier scientists in the galaxy. I'm sure Jim isn't interested in a detailed accounting of how it was spent."

"No, not as long as it was put to good use." Jim shook his head. "And it sounds like that was the case." His voice softened as he spoke to his son. "I've always wanted you to have every advantage possible. I just wish I could have been there for you when you were growing up. I should have tried harder."

"It doesn't sound like you are completely to blame for that."

Jim felt his anger diffuse. The young man standing before him needed acceptance, not his parents standing here tearing each other apart. After all, for every barb he could throw at Carol, there was one she could throw back at him. "David, time can be spent trying to lay blame. God knows there's enough to go around between your mother and me. But the fact of the matter is, you're someone who any man would be proud to call his son. It just happens to be my good fortune that you're my son. The credit for that goes to the person who has raised you and been the greatest influence in your life. Obviously, your mother loves you and did the best that she could, given her circumstances. And, as I've just been reminded this evening, we all make mistakes. But if these last days have proven anything, it's that time spent trying to assign blame is a waste. Unfortunately, David, you've been given a lot of information in these last couple of days that challenges a lot of what you believe about yourself. But don't let that affect the man you've become."

"Fatherly advice?" David looked at Jim and grinned a half-smile.

It was that same smile that Jim returned to him. "Maybe. Don't you think it's about time?"

"If," David said, looking toward his mother knowingly, "you have no other plans, Admiral, I would like to stay and talk to you, alone. We didn't get much of a chance to do that earlier."

"David...I think it would be best..." Carol interjected.

"I will see you at breakfast, Mother," David interrupted.

"Fine," she answered curtly. Looking toward Jim, she added, "I'm...sorry...if there was any...shall we just call it 'mixed signals' tonight?"

Jim just nodded, slightly. "Good night, Carol," he answered as she turned and left the cabin.

As the door slid shut, David turned to Jim. "Admiral Kirk, I apologize for both my and my mother's behavior since our first encounter. I'm afraid we've given you very little reason to respect either of us."

Jim poured two snifters of brandy and handed one to his son. They sat down and Jim said, "David, first of all, you're welcome to call me whatever makes you most comfortable; Jim, Kirk...maybe someday you will even feel comfortable in calling me 'Father,' but we can dispense with the formality. Second, I have great respect for all that you and Carol have accomplished. I think the inroads you have made are going to be the talk of the scientific community for years to come." He noticed his son looked uncomfortable, but knew that the kind of accolades that would be placed on him over this discovery was a lot for a young man to handle. But, even knowing his son only these few days, Jim knew he could handle it. "I'm afraid that none of us have been at our best these last days. It is unfortunate that on top of everything else that's happened, you find out the truth about your parentage amidst the turmoil."

"I admit that it is untimely for such discoveries, but I wouldn't call it 'unfortunate,' Father," David looked up and answered. "I'm glad that I know the truth. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better when you were coming around. I remember how upset Mother used to get, I guess now I understand why. I think my reaction to you was based on how she acted when you visited."

Jim smiled at the use of the familial term. He discovered he liked the name. It felt right, like something had been missing before. "Certainly understandable. You were only seven the last time I saw you. A child of that age is certainly going to pick up on a parent's emotions."

The next three hours were spent with Jim and David getting to know a bit about each other. There wasn't time to catch up on everything that had happened during those missing years, but there was a level of comfort that settled in between them that made the years spent apart less important.

David spoke of his years of schooling, and some of the antics that were pulled during that time, some of which, to Jim, seemed vaguely reminiscent of events in his own life. David spoke of difficulties in being the youngest among his peers throughout all his years of school, something that Jim could relate to very well. Jim was surprised to learn that when he was fourteen, David had been presented with the prestigious Cl'ya'tih award, given yearly to a notable student in the field of genetic research by the Vulcan Science Academy. He spent a term studying at the VSA and, doing the math, Jim realized that at the time of the bonding, his son had been only kilometers away. David spoke little of the Genesis project, but considering the outcome of the explosion, Jim understood why his son was reticent to bring it up.

Jim told David of his own background, leaving out the most traumatic and controversial events, about his brother, Sam, and of his years at Starfleet Academy. He spoke of the five-year mission when he was appointed to be the Captain of the Enterprise, and of many of the adventures that the ship had encountered during that time. He told David of the friendship and then the bond that been formed between himself, Spock and McCoy, and David seemed to begin to understand his level of grief over his bondmate's death. David didn't seem judgmental over Jim's decision to commit himself to a homosexual relationship, and even though he didn't say so specifically, alluded to the fact that he had also experimented with relationships of both sexes.

It was the fact that Jim had been romantically involved with a Vulcan that seemed to pique his interest the most. Having spent time on Vulcan, brief as it was, had intrigued David with the culture of the Vulcan people. Saavik's name kept creeping into the conversation, and David eventually admitted that he had sensed an emotional connection with her from the first. Since his father had been in love with a Vulcan, David wanted advice on how best to proceed. Jim had to laugh. This evening it seemed his major function had been to give advice to the lovelorn. And, in the back of his mind, he wondered how the evening was going for a certain commander who had sat in the very seat where his son was now sitting just hours before. Better than his attempt with McCoy, he hoped. Jim told David that he couldn't speak for all Vulcans, but honesty, above all else, was mandatory.

It was only the sound of the comm, and the notification that they were approaching Ceti Alpha V, that brought a regretful end to the discussion. However, it seemed that in these few short hours, they had begun to bridge the distance between them and speak as father and son. David left and Jim dressed quickly to go to the bridge. While pulling on his jacket, Jim thought to himself, 'Wait till I tell Spock that David is interested in Saavik!' Then the realization hit him that that wouldn't be possible, and the sadness that had temporarily been abated returned full force.

Chapter 14

Jim proceeded to the bridge where he watched as Saavik guided them into orbit above Ceti Alpha V. Scotty rose from the command chair to turn it over to Kirk, but Jim shook his head. "Stay where you are, Scotty. I'll be going to the transporter room," he said.

"Aye, sir," Scotty nodded, as he settled back down into the seat.

As Jim turned to leave, the turbolift opened and Sulu, looking quite flushed, rushed onto the bridge, stopping short in front of Jim. "I'm sorry, Admiral. I was...detained," he said, looking as guilty as Kirk had ever seen him.

"Detained, Commander?" Jim said just above a whisper.

"Aye, sir...with a crewman that I understand you were responsible for sending to my cabin."

"Ah...and that crewman is...?"

"Wonderful, sir!" Sulu grinned, sheepishly.

Jim nodded. "Carry on, Commander," he said in his normal tone of voice.

"Yes, sir!" Sulu answered enthusiastically.

Jim boarded the lift with a shake of his head and a smile.

Arriving in the transporter room, he found that Chekov was already there making arrangements for his crew and their beaming to the ship. It was a decidedly more relaxed, confident Pavel Chekov than had been in his cabin earlier in the evening. "We've been in contact, Admiral. The communication is faint, they seem to be using some equipment from the cargo carriers, but it seems that they have all survived. Medical is on the way."

"Excellent, Commander. When will we be in transporter range?"

Pavel checked the readouts that the transporter chief was displaying. "Three point seven minutes...mark."

The bay doors slid open and Leonard entered followed by medical techs, equipped with hovercarts, and two nurses. A look passed between Jim and Bones and, for a brief moment, the vacant look was gone and there was a flash of understanding. "We'll be in range in three minutes, Doctor," Jim said.

Leonard nodded and set about adjusting his med scanner. Jim doubted that the device needed that much fine-tuning, but was sure the doctor's actions were nothing more than an excuse to keep their eyes from meeting. Perhaps it was for the best. This wasn't the time to address what was happening between them, even silently.

"We have scanned them, sair," Chekov said, pulling his attention away from McCoy. "Just as I suspected, the magnetic fields are playing havoc with the scanners, but adjusting for those, we should be able to grab onto them."

"Excellent, Commander."

"We are beaming the first twelve up now, sair," Pavel announced, as he stepped from behind the transport command desk to where he was closer to the platform.

Within the next few minutes, all of the remaining Reliant crew was safely aboard the Enterprise. Although dehydrated and hungry, most were in decent shape. Leonard confirmed that all would be fine, even though several had injuries that Khan had inflicted upon them before he left them to die. The worst of those injured was Commander Kyle, the communications officer on the Reliant, and someone who had served on the Enterprise during those first years. Khan and his men had beaten him severely, but McCoy assured a concerned Pavel that he would be fine.

Before leaving orbit, Jim sent a four-man security team down to retrieve any records from the cargo carriers that could be turned over to Starfleet. Once the security team had been retrieved, they set course for Starbase 9. Starfleet advised Jim that the Grissom would be waiting to receive the Genesis team onboard, and that all other personnel not permanently assigned to the Enterprise would be transferred off at the base. It was unusual that the trainees wouldn't be returned to Earth for debriefing and permanent assignments, but it seemed that Starfleet was anxious to get them placed as soon as possible. And with the recent destruction of the Alexander, it was understandable why Starfleet needed to get the new crew to the ships as quickly as possible.

The following day they arrived at their destination. Saying goodbye was difficult, for both Jim and David. They had just found each other, and all too soon it was time to part. But this time, they both knew that what held them together was far stronger than the distance that would separate them. It had been a comfort to have David beside him for those few days, and his absence was going to be keenly felt. Saavik had requested to join the Grissom as part of the research team, and her request had been approved. Knowing that David would have someone he cared for with him, gave Jim some measure of comfort. As he wished his son well, he discovered that the emotions of pride and pleasure he felt were intermingled with concern and anxiety over his son's well being. It surprised Jim at how quickly the protective feelings of a father seemed to descend on him. As David hugged him, Jim had the uncanny desire to hold onto him and not let him go. 'Most illogical,' he could almost hear Spock saying.

Carol departed the ship at Starbase 9 as well. She was most anxious to get back to Regula 1 as quickly as possible, and had arranged private transport to take her from the starbase to the location of the lab. She explained that there would be much to take care of now that clean-up operations had been completed. Jim had agreed, and although their farewell had been cordial, he found it a relief that she was gone.

Had the Enterprise not been in need of extensive repair, Jim would have arranged for them to head out after dropping the others off at the base. It was only then that the full implications of what had happened in the last days hit him. Spock was no longer there to command the Enterprise. Certainly there were officers ready for promotion, Hikaru Sulu was certainly qualified, but neither Nogura nor Morrow considered Sulu ready for command, and the thought of anyone else commanding this ship was unthinkable. Jim couldn't think of another candidate that he would feel comfortable handing her over to.

The words kept ringing in his ears, 'I know there is one other that is eminently more qualified.' When he had to inform Spock that the Alexander had been destroyed and the Enterprise was slated for a regular mission, Spock had made this point. Now, Spock was no longer around to command that mission. It was then that he realized he had no intention of allowing anyone else to take command of this ship that Spock gave his life to save, even if it meant giving up the Admiralty to do it.

Too, there was the Genesis planet. The potential for development of the project had been proven. With that, the Federation was on the threshold of colonization that had been thought impossible before. Jim knew he wanted to be a part of it, something that would pass him by if he stayed behind a desk at Starfleet. As he told Bones just nights before, he had made a difference in the years he had spent as Chief of Operations. But now, he realized, it was time to get back to doing what he was best at.

Bones said he wasn't going to take another assignment soon, and had adamantly expressed his feelings about wanting the Enterprise to return to Genesis. Perhaps their reasons differed, but Jim discerned he was beginning to have the same urge to return to the planet. Since this would answer both of their needs, Jim was sure that McCoy would sign on for this. Together, they would find a way back to each other and, at the same time, make sure that Spock's death stood for something.

Once assuring himself that the Reliant crew was in good hands, Chekov had requested to stay on board the Enterprise, at least temporarily, as the navigator. Saavik's departure had left the ship without anyone fully qualified for that position, and his request had been granted. With one major exception, the crew that had explored the universe together was complete.

Yet it was undeniable that the absence of Spock left a gaping hole in the crew, much greater than just the empty seat. Jim walked past the science station and laid his hand on the empty chair. No, he silently swore, Spock's death would not be in vain. And, deep within him, there was a flicker of something that he had not felt in what seemed like a very long time. It seemed to warm him, and with the warmth came a melting of the feelings he had frozen inside. And the words, 'It was the spring of hope...' echoed within him.

>Finis<