They will say that you did not live
Register you as stillborn
But you lived for me all that time
In the dark chambers of my womb
And I know that for me you are "Born Still"
Forever in my heart
I shall carry you with me forever my son
You will always be a very special part of me
You are my Angel In Heaven
Mommy loves you!
It was an unexpected pregnancy, but after the initial shock of finding out I was pregnant, I was elated! I couldn't wait to hold my little baby..my very own baby! I started to collect rocking horses for a theme and got a crib set up in my room...waiting for the day he would arrive.
It wasn't until I was 6 months pregnant that my doctor decided to listen for a heartbeat. He had told me that the heartbeat sounded distant when he tried to listen to it and wanted to send me over to the hospital to have an ultrasound.
I could hardly wait to have my ultrasound. The next morning my mom and I went to the hospital and the procedure started. The technician would say..."There's an arm"...."There's a leg"...then it stopped....silence. She said there was a doctor on call and she wanted him to come in and take a look. I started to worry a little. The doctor came in and finished the ultrasound. He had me drink more water because he said he wasn't getting a full picture. I waited for two long days for a call from the doctor and finally I couldn't wait any longer and called his office. The nurse told me that the docotr wanted to talk to me so she put him on the phone. I knew at that momment that something was wrong. He mentioned something about needing more information and he wanted me to go to the State University and see a Neonatal/High Risk Specialist. I learned that my baby may have a fatal neural- tube defect known as anencephaly. It was so hard for me to believe that anything could be wrong with my baby. I wanted him so badly and I had a place waiting for him. They must have made a mistake. This can't be happening!
I tried to find out all I could about that awful word...anencephaly. I hated to even say it. Even to this day, it's hard for me to say. My mom and I headed for the University Hospital to see the specialists. They performed a phase two ultra sound and confirmed the diagnosis. My entire world came crashing down! I had so many mixed feelings...of hurt, anger, and of course..why me...why MY baby?? The University Hospital Staff counseled me on my options. I could continue for another 3 months with the pregnancy or I could be induced. That was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I talked to our family priest about my choices. I am against abortion and didn't want that for my baby. Since it was a medical problem, inducing labor wouldn't be considered abortion, and the fact that if I chose to continue on with the pregnancy, there would be a chance of complications that may hurt my chances to have another baby. That was my deciding factor. It was already so hard for me being six months pregnant and having people coming up to me saying "When is your baby due?" "What are you going to name it?" Having to deal with that for the next three months would be torture knowing that my baby was not going to live.
I had wonderful counselors in the hospital. They told me what labor would be like and that after the baby was born that I could hold him any time I wanted to. They said that I should name him, dress him and even take pictures of him...to treat it like a live birth. The counselors stated that there was a chance he would either pass away before the birth started, during my labor because his little body may not be able to handle delivery, or the slight chance he may be born alive, but only living for a short time. I wanted to know the sex of the baby so I could prepare him for a funeral. After about 5 ultrasounds the doctors had told me it was a girl. So...I went shopping and bought the cutest little premie dress with tiny roses on it with matching knickers and bonnet. I bought a pink baby blanket and a little terry cloth bunny to put with "her" which I kissed with my lipstick on to leave my imprints of my lips and wrote "Mommy Loves You" on it to be placed with her in her casket.
I was admitted in the University Hospital on November 9th in the morning and my labor was induced. It took 12 long hours which for most of it I was extremely sick. At 1:47am, November 10, my little Brendan Joseph was born...a boy! He weighed 1pd 8 oz and was 12 1/4 inches long. After they put his little bonnet on him, they gave him to me. My mom and sister were in the delivery room with me during my entire labor. In my eyes he was perfect! I became very protective of my little angel. I made sure his little bonnet was on any time family members came to visit us in the hospital. I wanted everyone to remember him in a good way. We held him and took pictures. I sent my mom to go buy another outfit for him since the one I had gotten for him was for a girl. She went to a local "Toys R Us" and bought him a premie cabbage patch outfit which was still way too big but he looked adorable in it! The little booties I put on him went up to his knees!
They sent me home that day and I planned for a memorial service to be held at the Cemetary where we had family plots. My dad is a retired funeral director so he was able to go to the hospital and pick Brendan up and take him back to the house where I could hold him one last time. There I held him and rocked him, crying harder than I ever had my entire life...wanting time to stand still....not wanting to let go of my baby. The hardest thing I had to do was to lay him in his casket knowing I would never hold him in my arms again. Everyone in my family put something in with him...a little token of love from each of them....so he wouldn't be lonley. We had a quiet graveside service with family and friends.
I will always cherish the short 6 months I had with Brendan. Against what the doctors have told me, I believe in my heart that he did have a personality. Every time there was music playing around me, he would bounce around in my tummy as if he were dancing. He brought so much joy into my life and I have never regreted the pregnancy at all. Life for me without Brendan has gotten easier but I still cry for him and miss him terribly. I will never forget him and he will always hold a special place in my heart that no other child can replace. I am so grateful that I got to hold him and spend the time with him that I did. I have a special "Memory Box" that I keep all of Brendan's things...his baby braclets, footprints, the blanket they handed him to me in after delivery, cards and letters from friends, and all of his pictures. And when I am missing him, I light a candle and get that special box out, and I sit and go thru those memories and it helps me feel closer to him.
Since Brendan, I have gone on to have two beautiful daughters, Hillary now age 8 and Karah age 6. They know they have a brother who is an angel in Heaven and that one sweet day....we will all be together again.
I who gave you heartburn a dragon would envy,
I who couldn't seem to tell the time and got your
days and nights mixed up,
It is I who acknowledged your craving for ice
cream by knocking the bowl off our belly,
I who went shopping and helped pick out that
"perfect" outfit for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked
off to dreamy slumber,
It is I who never had a doubt about your love for
me,
It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy
...into an instant.
no matter
how small
Moments
For We Shall Always Live
By Remembering
What am I going to do
Having you is all I ever wanted..wanted
Where am I gonna go
To feel the way I felt when you were here
Still my life is better
Loving you as I do
Thanks for being with me darling
Thanks...
for being you
Oh I'm never going to say goodbye
Saying goodbye
Is something I can't bring myself to do
Cause as long as I don't
Say goodbye
Darling I know
Part of me
Will always be...
With you! -I love you Brendan!
Lost in earth
Or time,
He was mine
There is no feeling
Like the movement of an unborn child.
It's closer
Than someone touching you
From the outside
It's purely and cleanly
And clearly
Your own moment.
For those few months
We were together,
Alone against the world
But nature,
That grand cheat
Took him away
When we needed each other the most.
I carried him
And He carried me
Through a time when we could not go alone,
It doesn't matter now to anyone
Everyone has moved on.
But so very often along each day,
I think about those first feelings
Of movement
And growth.
