Kerry Taps Kofi As VP Runnie-Mate

By Matt Forge

New York (FP) -- The November surprise came early today as alleged presumed possible Democratic presidential nominee hopeful and Vietnam veteran war hero/anti-war peace activist John Kerry announced his pick of UN Secretary General Kofi Anon as his veep choice. The announcement sent shock waves through Washington as many questioned the constitutionality of the decision. UN lawyers assured American officials it's legit.

The decision comes on the heels of the controversial move of Democratic congresspersons calling for UN monitors (lawyers) to monitor the upcoming presidential election in hopes of avoiding the nightmare of 2000's election fiasco. But the UN had to turn down the request dictated by their own annoying internal rules. "Generally, the United Nations does not intervene in electoral affairs unless the request comes from a national government or an electoral authority -- not the legislative branch," said U.N. spokeswoman Marie Okabe. But all was not lost.

That request sparked an ingenious plan on Kerry's part. By having Anan as his vice presidential choice, the UN can now load up their army of white SUVs and distribute monitors throughout the fruited plains and have them assure that the right of U.S. citizens to vote in free and fair elections is not in jeopardy by watching for questionable practices and voter disenfranchisement on Election Day.

Kerry swears up and down that this is not the case. "I like his name-Kofi. It sounds like 'Comfy.' I could say it all day long. Kofi, Kofi, Kofi. That's all, really. Oh, and the fact that he's black. He was on the top of a very long list of black candidates as we are the party of the African-American people." Kerry could not produce said list and dropped the subject altogether by claiming to see Big Foot out the window and sneaking out while our backs were turned to catch a glimpse of the elusive creature.

The illegality of having a non-US citizen run for office has also been dealt with in the plan. Since the UN is located in New York, and since Kofi spends most of his time there, he has been classified as an undocumented worker. This move bestows upon Mr. Anon all the rights and priveledges of a U.S. citizen including a [California] drivers license, social security card, a brand new X-Box with choice of five video games, and the right to run as Vice President of UNmerica.