By Matt Forge

Washington (FP) -- The Washington chapter of the ACLU has filed suit in federal court to stop former president Ronald Reagan's funeral this Friday. The controversial move claims that "separation of church and state" demands that no federal monies can be allowed to foot the bill, in full or in part, for a religious ceremony.

"I just know there will be references to deity and stuff like that," said George Nogawd, head of the chapter, member of Tolerance Of America's Diversity (T.O.A.D.), and devout atheist. "We're going to catch some flack for this, but all those backwoods Neanderthal conservative religious zealots can just go to hell for all I care. My tax dollars are not going to be spent to offend people of other beliefs."

Mr. Nogawd insists that his atheism is not compelling the move. "I can compartmentalize my beliefs much in the same way I compartmentalize my socks from my underwear -- my nuts from my bolts. You get my drift." However, skeptics on the other side claim to have a witness who can testify that they have seen George's nuts and bolts all mixed together in the same compartment, thus proving that this is nothing but a partisan stunt based on his beliefs (or lack thereof).

Whichever may be the case, it takes some pretty big... um... convictions to try and kill the funeral of the most popular president in recent history. "We're not worried about opinions or trying to win a popularity contest. We're doing what's right and we're on the right side of the issue," insists Nogawd. "How could we NOT proceed with confidence otherwise? We are going to remain consistent in our struggle against the fundies, and if that means halting Reagan's funeral - so be it."

Expert opinion remains evenly divided as to whether the injunction will pass or not. But one thing remains certain... that the ACLU is a bunch of nuts who will stop at nothing until all Christian references are censored in the public secter and all Christians compartmentalized away into illegal underground churches like in the former Soviet Union which Reagan stood up to and helped dismantle with his courage and conviction.

Mister Joe Citizen, tear down this fictional wall that completely separates church and state!