By Matt Forge

Washington (FP) -- The Kerry campaign has announced it has raised only a smidgen $175 million dollars to help elect the well-groomed Massachusetts Senator. This is the lowest amount on record ever raised by a presidential candidate making his shoestring budget a, well... record.

"One-hundred-seventy-five-mil. is a drop in the bucket as far as I'm concerned," said the billionaire Kerry from aboard his campaign jumbo jet. "We're really flirting with disaster by trying to get elected on a working man's budget, but the campaign finance law dictates that I try so what other choice do I have? I really need a grass-roots effort from all my blue-collar supporters as well as my Hollywood celeb friends to keep me going. Roll up your sleeves and let's all get to work!"

"This is the proudest moment of my life," said a proud yet humble Senator John McCain (R), the co-chief architect of the law designed to keep money out of politics. "You go against the system thinking that it's impossible to change, but I, I mean... we did it. Here's the proof. You really can make a difference if only you bend the Constitution a little."

Campaign Finance: Working For You!