Soros Compares War On Terror To 9/11, Makes Other Comparisons As Well

By Matt Forge

Bizarro World (FP) -- George Soros, a major supporter of Democratic candidate John Kerry told an audience that the U.S.-led War on Terror is worse than the Sept. 11 hijackings. "The War on Terror, as conducted by this administration, has claimed more innocent victims than the original attack itself," he said.

The leftist tycoon didn't stop there. "This president (Bush)," he continued, "is worse than Hitler, his wife worse than Eva Braun and his children worse than the German Shepherd attack dogs that guarded the Nazi leader." He also compared Bush's parents to Satan and Medusa.

"Our whole government under this administration is like a storm of meteors crashing down on the people below. It's even worse than that disaster movie, Gigli. [Note: Soros probably meant to say The day After Tomorrow, not Gigli.] I, on the other hand, am like a secular version of Jesus in my purity. We liberals are like the aliens who will one day stop drawing crop circles, land, and set society straight by either using technology for fixing defective conservative brains or wiping them out all together."

The Kerry supporter continued, "You (the audience) are like cranberries in the field who are in danger of being plucked by the Republicans who are like plantation owners during slavery days. The red seats you are sitting in are like their mouths swallowing you whole. This room is like their belly in which you find yourself in after they have eaten you alive, only not as well air-conditioned nor as dry."

"This podium is like a tree that has been cut down -- murdered for the sake of becoming a podium. The stump left in its place is like a podium too only shorter and rounder with a raccoon sitting atop it. This stage is like a magic carpet whisking me away to a far off place where everything is exactly the way I say it should be -- a place of wonder, bliss, no religion and millions more dollars in my pocket. Speaking of fit, these clothes are like a giant tobacco leaf wrapped around my body and squeezing the life right out of me."

The Hungarian immigrant wasn't through yet. "This microphone is like a sno-cone, only it doesn't melt and has no taste. But it does amplify my voice, so in that way it's like siren warning the peaceful Iraqi freedom fighters that WMDs are about to be dropped on them by the evil invading occupier known as the United States of George Bush."

"And as my mama used to always say, life is like a box of chocolates... a box that was run over by John F. Kerry's SUV stolen by George W. Bush taken on a joy ride mudding out in the field. The innocent chocolates lay there oozing out their tasty gooey innards which then mix with the muddy water. And who wants to eat that? I surely don't and neither does the UN nor the rest of the world who has lost respect for us."

"My hair is like an atomic bomb mushroom cloud."