By Matt Forge

Washington (FP) -- The U.S. attorney general and the FBI director revealed in a press conference today the alleged diabolical scheme that was supposed to be unleashed this summer by al-Qaida terrorists. Attorney General John Ashcroft said at a news conference that "credible intelligence from multiple sources" indicated that they had planned to try an attack on the United States in the next few months.

Ashcroft and FBI chief Robert Mueller unveiled "wanted" posters of seven people they said may be part of those planned strikes. Although the suspects are still at large, the plot was stopped thanks to the proactive strategies of the president.

Six of the terrorists were to each acquire an SUV and criss-cross the United States during the peak summer driving season. This driving to and from places such as Disney World, Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Yellowstone National Park, and Hot Springs Arkansas (an Islamic extremist favorite) was only the first stage.

In stage two, the seventh alleged suspected terrorist was to steal John Kerry's new campaign jet and fly to cities in just about every state in the union. The schedule was revealed and is posted here. All of this travelling would release deadly carbon by-products into the air thus causing environmental extremes throughout America and harming Americans, especially liberal ones.

"It's about the most vicious plot an evil human mind can dream up," said ex-veep now civilian Al Gore. "I blame Bush and his whole administration. They should all step down."

But it seems that the president should get the blame for breaking up this contrivance. You see, if Bush hadn't invaded Iraq to take control of the oil reserves, and if he hadn't stifled production then gas prices wouldn't have gone up such as they have. The deadly seven weren't able to afford fueling the vehicles, so they gave up and are now believed to have opened a Starbucks franchise somewhere in Arizona.

Upon hearing this, Gore retracted his previous statement and endorsed Bush as world king for life.

"Why didn't I think of that?!"