By Matt Forge

Athens, Greece -- The IOC (International Olympic Committee) has announced its selection of presumed Democratic Presidential candidate hopeful nominee John F. Kerry to throw out (trash) the first medal won by an American.

The world-friendly French-looking senator gladly accepted the invitation providing that Heinz products were made the official condiment of the 2004 Olympic Games. After an emergency executive board meeting the IOC agreed to Kerry's demands providing that each board member received free condiments for life.

After an emergency board meeting with his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry, John agreed with her permission. This secret settlement has been denied by all parties allegedly involved, but is now under investigation as the Oil Palm For Dude scandal.

Nevertheless, John F. Kerry has been bestowed the glorious honor of discarding the first winning American's medal at an evening ceremony following the first day's events. In a show of reverence and humility to the rest of the world, all USA medals won will be discarded in the same fashion. This move was sparked by the suggestion that American athletes not wave their country's flag upon winning an event.

Medal tossing was the next logical step in the evolution of America's compassionate patriotism.

So every night in Olympic Plaza there will be a bonfire, which the medals will be thrown into, surrounded by a tall metal gate which is an exact replica of the one surrounding the White House. Kerry is said to be looking forward to reliving past memories of glorious dissent and civil disobedience.

U2 and the Dixie Chicks will be giving free performances during each and every American medal tossing/burning ceremony followed by showings of the movies Fahrenheit 911, Dr. Strangelove, and Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Kerry practicing at an unidentified elementary school.