Urban Survivalists Thinning Out, Placed On Endangered Species List

By Matt Forge

WASHINGTON (FP) ­ Money grubbing capitalists added 288,000 jobs to their payrolls in April as the nation's unemployment rate slipped to 5.6 percent, forcing urban survivalists (homeless hobos) to abandon any and all excuses and actually go to work.

With 867,000 jobs created so far this year, liberal media photo-journalists are having a harder time locating vagabonds (usually donning cardboard signs and walkmans) to take pictures of.

"Mostly what's left are useless empty carcasses of shopping carts littering the parks and alleyways," said Lenny Winkman, newspaper photographer for the Houston ChronicHell and Democratic media consultant.

"I remember the good old days back in the 70's when you couldn't jog around a corner without tripping on an urban survivalist," he continued. "That was when I got some of my best shots. I'm going to miss them."

Winkman is in fear of becoming one himself due to the fact that he can't "write-down" the growing economy and have heart-tugging photos to go along with his award-winning essays.

"I just don't have the trash bin foraging techniques and cardboard homebuilding knowledge that the homeless have evolved over the years. And do they have cocktail parties? I don't think so."

And judging by Lenny's high-rise physique, he wouldn't last a week on the street even taking into account the thinning hobo herds. An alpha-female could crush him like an empty malt liquor can.

When asked if he would work for FoxNews or NewsMax if he had no other place to go, Lenny responded,"You can just go to hell (if I believed in that), mister! I'd rather live in a duplex and eat at McDonalds before going to work for those evil doers!"

Greenpeace volunteers have graciously donated their time and energy to lovingly help save these endangered animals. They are scouring city streets at night while bar hopping and placing tracking collars around the necks of "hibernating" urban survivalists.

The data collected will help determine their migratory patterns. Early results show a circuit of street corners, homeless shelters, liquor stores, and the occasional public library.

After the election, all homeless will be tranquilized with prescription strength NyQuil loaded dart guns and be transported (with shopping carts in tow) to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWAR) where they can exist peacefully without the fear of a job devouring them.

Supply drops will be scheduled every other week.

Others see this plan as merely a stunt to keep Bush out of ANWAR, a move predicted to come about in order to reduce dependency on foreign oil.

"Bush surely won't disturb the urban survivalists' habitat," said Larry Winkman, Greenpeace volunteer and younger brother of Lenny Winkman featured earlier in this story. "Surely he's not that evil."

Larry confessed that if his older sibling Lenny lost his job and devolved into an urban survivalist that he would have to relocate him to ANWAR as well. "It would be the loving thing to do," he said.

When asked if Lenny could just stay with him for a while, Larry responded, "They have government agencies for that kind of stuff. What do you think I pay my taxes for?"