Jessica's Ever-So-Humble Autobiography
    Jessica (who has decided to talk about herself in the third person) was born in breathtaking Waldorf on October 23, 1983 at 12:52 p.m.  She led a carefree existence, which included rocking the world of 'Lil Luv Daycare Center, until September 1988 when her parents divorced and her father left.
     Nonetheless, Jessica maintained all of the happy-go-luckiness that comes with being five.  She started kindergarden at Southern Maryland
Jessica being her cute 'lil self.
Christian Academy and on Fridays, her mommy bought her pizza if she had done good in school that week.  Jessica didn't spend much time with her sister (Ann) or brother (James), who were 12 and 13 years older than her, because James moved out when she was 6 and Ann had a bad case of cooties.  (Her low points include twisting her ankle from dancing too much after seeing the Vanilla Ice movie and teaching Jessica the words to "Bad" by Micheal Jackson.)
     Despite her sister's chronic cheesiness, Jessica managed to get around.  Her mommy decided to send her to Arthur Middleton Elementary School in the second grade because SMCA had moved.  Things were pretty dull until the third grade, when Jessica's mommy discovered that Jessica's teachers had been reading scary stories to her class.  She started a big ruckus which resulted in Jessica beginning the fourth grade at Grace Lutheran (student population: 60), where she lived out the remainder of her elementary school days.
     This is where life started to get interesting.  Although Jessica's wardrobe at this time consisted predominantly of black stretch pants coupled with dorky sweaters and an occasional flowery hat, all was well in Jessica Land.  Her mommy, who had been suffering from breast cancer, went into remission.  Jessica met her bestest friend in the whole wide world, Susan.  Jessica and Susan starred in their fourth grade Christmas play, "Angels Aware," as, um, angels.  (The high points of their performance
include the part when Jessica sang a solo about how God should go to Earth as a mighty king, when Susan held up a sign reading "Cheribum," and when Jessica took over the part of "Cherry" after Lana got sick and ran out of the theater.  Jessica and Susan maintained active membership in the Grace Lutheran DramaClub
throughout the fourth and fifth grades, starring in its one and only play, "The Final Dress Rehearsal," as a brassy fairy godmother (Susan) and an evil stepsister (Jessica). 
     (Jessica would like to note that she and Susan looked very pretty that night.  Susan wore a powder blue dress and her mommy let her wear make up.  Jessica wore a gold shiny skirt with a sequined top and her
sister's diamond sparkly shoes, which turned out to be too big.  Jessica fell over during the curtain call, but since she was a fourth grader, the audience thought it was really cute.)
    Our little starlettes returned to the Grace Lutheran stage for their fifth grade play, starring as an angel and a beggar woman in "Something's Up Down In Bethlehem."  Susan and Jessica also enriched Grache Lutheran with their virtuoso recorder playing, mastering such classics as "Merrily We Roll Along."
     You may be thinking now, "They starred in all of Grace Lutheran's plays
and played recorder? They couldn't possibly have had time for anything else!"  But au contraire, mon frere, there was more.  Susan left the fifth grade as class president, carrying out such duties as missing class to go to meetings and writing the school cheer.  Jessica, refusing to be outdone by the likes of Susan, graduated as fifth grade valedictorian, carrying out such duties as making Nick Goodman cry because he was only salutatorian.
    Unfortunately, middle school was not a very happy time for Jessica.  Could it be possible that she was not as cute as she thought?  Her classmates seemed to think so.  Also, Jessica's mommy had to leave work on disability retirement.  She had cancer for the second time and Jessica's father had to move back in to take care of her.  Jessica was not very happy with this as her father was in the habit of cursing (eleven year-olds have virgin ears!) and not a very good father.
     Jessica's mommy died on May 30, 1995.  This was actually a relief as cancer is not the most fun disease to live with.  Jessica spent the next few years being ignored by her father and being mean to her friends.  She was not a very nice person to know, especially in the ninth grade, when she was going through a "everyone in the world except me is stupid" phase.  (Jessica?  Self righteous?  Perish the thought!)  The only person she was really nice to was Susan, who live an hour away and was a long distance phone call.
     But alas!  The world was not over!   Jessica started going to Waldorf Free Will Baptist Church with her friend Stephanie.  She liked this church better than any other she had been to  because Pastor Jim (gasp!) didn't talk to her like she was five.  She found Jesus, got saved, and started actually enjoying life.  Yes, our heroine finally started to count her blessings.  (Of course she did, why would you read her autobiography if you weren't expecting a happy ending?)
Click here to go home.  Well, you do always have the option of sitting there and admiring my beauty and grace and whatnot, but there can only be so much of that.