A nun was driving down the highway late on a chilly October afternoon and stopped to pick up a hitchhiker. He was a handsome fellow and the nun looked him over from head to toe, then blushed and quickly looked away. But soon enough her gaze wandered over to him again, and when it happened a third time, her passenger said bluntly, "Sister, I have to come right out and say I find you very attractive and I'd like to have sex with you right now."
Turning beet-red, the nun began protesting that it would be absolutely impossible. Not only was she the bride of Christ, she had taken a vow of celibacy, and besides, it would be a sin.
"Good Point", admitted the hitchhiker coolly, "But if you don't let me have sex with you, I'll rape you - and that'll be a mortal sin for me. How could ou have that on your conscience."
The nun thought hard, then asked, "Are you Catholic?"
The hitchhiker assured her he was. "Are you married?" asked the nun. "I'm as single as you are, Sister," he promised.
"All right" she said, "then I'll agree to having anal intercourse with you. That will only be a venial sin, and I can keep my virginity."
She pulled over, they went off into the woods and had sex, and got back in the car. A few miles down the road, the hitchhiker admitted he had a confession to make.
"I enjoyed that, Sister, but I lied to you: I'm Jewish. And that's not all," the hitchhiker went on unhappily, "I've got a wife and two kids."
The nun turned very pale, and her hands trembled on the steering wheel. But after a few minutes of silence, she said, "Well, there's something you should know about me, too. My name's Bob, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!"

Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs, they start to boast about
how tough they are. The first rat says, "When I woke up, there was a match box
of Rat-o-Kill
outside my hole. I ate the lot and didn't feel a thing."
After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the second rat chips in,
"When I got up this morning, there was a massive rat trap with an enormous
piece of prime cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the
cheese and slipped out without even a bruise."
At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door. "Where are you going?"
ask the two other rats. "Aw, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and fuck the cat
again."

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to
congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing! How do you do it at your age?
He answered," you've got to keep that old motor running "
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are
amazing. How do you do it?
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running"
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man.
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said,
"Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."

LAUNDRY
Two women are hanging laundry in their backyards.
On says to the other, "Sophie, how come when it rains, your laundry is never
out."
Sophie says, "Well, when I wake up in the morning, I look over at saul. if his
penis is hanging over his right log, I know its going to be a great day, and I
can hang out the wash. if his penis is hanging over his lift leg, I know its
going to rain, so I dont hang out the wash." Her friend asks, "What if he has
an erection?"
Sophie says, "Honey on a day like that you dont do the laundry."
-x-x-x-

STRANDED ON AN ISLAND
Three men are stranded on a desert island. One of them finds a lamp and rubs it,
and a genie appears. The genie says, "Normally, I give three wishes to a person
who finds the lamp. But since there are three of you, I will give you each one
wish.
The Englishman says, "I wanna go back to London in my favorite pub and drink
with my friends."
And he disappears. The Frenchman says, "I wanna be back in Paris in a nice
little restaurant with a bottle of good wine and a beautiful woman by my side."
And he disappears.
The Polish guy says, "I cant think about of anything, I wish those other guys
were here to help me out."
-x-x-x-

TWENTY FIVE INCHES
An American black man, an Italian, and a Japanese man are sitting at a bar
drinking together. At one point the bartender comes over to them. "You know," he
says, "Ill bet a hundred dollars that there isnt twenty-five inches of dick
among the three of you." Black guys dick was measured it was twelve inches.
Italians dick was twelve inches too. Then they measured Japanese it was exactly
one inch. The black guy says to Italian guy, "Since, you and me have twelve inch
each about half the amount we needed, so we should divide between me and you.
The Japanese guy says, "To tell you the truth, I should get the whole hundred,
because if had not the hard on, we wouldnt have won at all!"
-x-x-x-

FIRST BLOW JOB
A guy goes into a bar and twelve shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up twelve
shot glasses and fills them up with whiskey. The man downs them all one after
another. The bartender then asks, "What are you celebrating."
The man says, "I am celebrating my first blow job."
The bartender gives him one more shot and says, "In that case this one is on
me." The man says, "No! I dont want that, if twelve could not take the taste
out of my mouth nothing will."
-x-x-x-

CLOCKS
A man died and went to heaven. He saw a large wall with hundreds of clocks on
it. But the clocks had only minutes hands.
He asked an angel, "what's the purpose of these clocks."
The angel said, "We use them to keep track of how often people masturbate of
earth."
The man noticed that under each clock there was a little nameplate.
He said to the angel, "I don't see my friend Faisal's clock here."
The angel said, "They keep that over in the office. They are using it for a
fan."

A beautiful girl passed. One said "I feel like screwing that girl again."
Other guy said, "You mean you screwed her before."
First said, "No, but once before I felt like doing it."
-x-x-x-

They were in bed and the guy demanded her to spread her thighs wider apart. She
obliged, but still he demanded her:
"Spread them a little wider. Oh, just a little wider." Exasperated, she said to
him: "What the hell are you trying to do, get your balls in?"
"No," he answered, "Im trying to get them out."
-x-x-x-

A guy was being examined by the draft board. The physician, looking over the
penis for traces of venereal disease, pulled back the foreskin. Unable to decide
he let it slip back, and pulled it forward again. Absentmindedly he was
continuing this operation when the draftee interrupted. Excuse me sir, if youre
doing this for the government go right ahead. But if you are doing this for me,
move just a little faster please."
-x-x-x-

As he was kissing her good-bye he got horny and asked her to have sex but she
was not willing to do that a that moment. He tried his best but had no success
so he said, "Well, I think I should leave now because there is no use three of
us standing here then. The two most useless things in the world are a mans tits
and Popes balls.
-x-x-x-

The waitress in a restaurant determined to have fun with a customer who would
study the menu every day, and then order ham and eggs. So one day she drew a
line through his favorite dish, and when he started to read the menu she said to
him, "Did you notice sir, I scratched something you like?" Without looking up
the customer replied, "Go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."
-x-x-x-

Judge asked the woman who was raped, "Did you scream for help."
"Yes I did." Said the woman.
"Did any one come." Asked the prosecutor.
"Yes I did first then he did." The victim replied.

A woman was waiting for a bus she bought two bananas to eat while she waiting but as she finished first one she saw her bus coming so she put the banana in her jacket pocket. After a while she thought that the bus is crowded and banana could be smashed. So she held it with her hand. After two or three stops a man tapped on her shoulder and said. "Excuse me, Miss, but you will have to let go now. I get off here.
-x-x-x-

Men and woman were lying on bed. The man said,
"I am sleeping now but during the night if you wanna have sex, just reach over and pull on my organ once or twice.
On the other hand if you dont feel like having sex, pull on it 40 or 50 times.
-x-x-x-

An old bull was still there in the field while the farmer turned loose a young
bull in the field. The new bull started to fuck cows immediately. Seeing this
the old bull began snorting and pawing the ground with his hoof.
The farmer said. "You are wasting your time, you are too old for that sort of
thing now. The bull said, "I am just trying to show that I am not a cow.
-x-x-x-

The witness in a rape case was giving his testimony:
"I saw the man lay down the girl, Judge and then he took out his prick..."
The Judge said, "Hold on, you can not say such a word in a Court of Justice. Say penis.
Witness says, "Well he took out his penis and struck it into her cunt."
Judge says, "Hold on, are you so ignorant that you dont know the proper words for these parts of the body say vagina.
The witness says, But Judge it was her cunt. The judge said, "Do as I say or I will hold you for contempt."
"Whats that" Asked the witness.
The Judge said, "Thats a technicality of the law about which you evidently know nothing."
Witness said, "All right, Judge, in her vagina. And then he gave her a Chicago stroke."
"The Chicago stroke, whats that"
"Thats a technicality of fucking, Judge, about which you evidently know nothing."

Three fellow were brought before a judge for minor offenses. The magistrate asked one how he felt.
"I feel very bad sir." Said he.
"Thirty days to feel better in." Said the judge.
"I feel fine." Said the second.
"Sixty days to think over what you have done." Said the judge.
"I feel like a bride on her first night." Said the third one.
"Why is that." Asked the judge.
"I know I am gonna get it, but I dont know how long it will be!"

One old man said, "It takes me all night to do what I used to do all night."