Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said,"Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients
always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless
of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought
that it had something to do with the supernatural.

Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate
the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes
before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to
see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the
evil........ Just when the clock struck 11,....

and what happened... ???

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged
the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the
couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I
have a few" he asks.

"No, not at all" the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that
instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat
a few."

"Oh that's all right" the woman says.

"Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I
born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to
us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now
starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later,
the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the
opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because
there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

There is a classroom of some small children (5-7 yrs). Obviously
there was one ordinary boy (Ramu) and one smart boy (Shyam). The trilogue
between the two and the teacher goes some thing like this.
Ramu: "Teacher, teacher, BUS pulling (male) hai ya streeling female)?
(BUS is Male or Female ?)
Shyam: "teacher, teacher ... it is sthreeling (female)"
Teacher & Ramu: Kyon?
Shyam: "Kkyon ki sab log uspe chadte hain." Teacher is pareshaan!
While Ramu gets a doubt.
Ramu: "agar BUS sthreeling hai aur sab uspe chadte hain to usko
bacchhe kyon nahi hote?" Teacher is more pareshaan!!!
Shyam: "kyon ki sab peeche se chadte hain." (Teacher is now hiding her face) Ramu gets another doubt ...
Ramu: "maana sabhi peeche se chadte hain but driver aur conductor thoaage se chadte hain, phir bacchhe kyon nahi hote".
Teacher thinks it's getting too much to handle ... Shyam replies:
"kyon ki woh dono topi pahen ke chadte hain" Teacher Faints!!

What do u think when u come home to a little affection, a little care, a
little sympathy.......... that u r in the wrong house.

Q: What's the ultimate in rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
---
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said to his wife, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shaked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All
right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to
cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on
in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken
bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man was sitting on the couch and when they saw him, he said, "Are you the people who broke the window?"
"Yes, we are. And we're very sorry about it," the husband said.
"Actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've released me and I'm so relieved. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the man's gorgeous wife "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done,"

replied the genie. "And what's your wish, genie?" the husband asked.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a
woman in a thousand years...my wish is to sleep with your wife." The
husband looked at the wife and said,
"Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. It seems
only fair."
So the genie took the woman upstairs to a bedroom and ravished her for two
hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies?"

A man returns home from work early one day and enters through the kitchen
door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only
has an apron on, the husband gets a big hard on, so he sneaks up behind her
and starts humping his wife doggy style. When he is through he pulls out
and at the same time hits her real hard upside her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed "Here I am being so nice to you, and
letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"

The husband looks at her and angrily says "For not looking back to see who
it was!"

The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running
up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband
started jumping up and down along with her.
"Why are we so happy?" he asked.
"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" She said.
"Great" he said, tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down.
"I'm pregnant!" she gasped.
The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed
her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he
couldn't be happier.
Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."
"What do you mean more?", he asked.
"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home
pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

Subject: Getting Old
Grandpa & Grandma were visiting the kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills and the son said
"I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
$10.00 a pill answered the son.
"I don't care" said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill"
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.
He said to Grandpa "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know" said Grandpa, the extra hundred is from Grandma."

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.When asked what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so
she was using the ATM "thingy".

________________________________________________________

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.One day she was
typing and turned to secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper.What do I do?""Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told
her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

_________________________________________________________

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish
"The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I
want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics
of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and
steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy"
After a few minutes God said ...... "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Prayer
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has beenanswered.

Collections
A catholic priest, a protestant minister and a rabbi were discussing how to handle the contributions to the church.
The priest says; I take a piece of chalk, draw a circle, throw the money up and whatever land in the circle is God's, and the rest is mine.
The minister says: I draw a line, throw up the money and whatever lands on the far side is God's, and what lands on my side is mine.
The rabbi says: I throw up the money and whatever God wants he takes-and what comes back down is mine.

Thermos

A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she
asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blond then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So shebuys
one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond,
asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos."
He asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
He then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two cups of hot coffee and a
icecream."

Aptitude Test
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two
rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy :
SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and
two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of
beer
have you got?Paddy : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another
two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is
seven?
Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Whose Duck is It?
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to
cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly
pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was
doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot," he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the
farmer.
Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No,"
replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply. "I am
the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today.
And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your
truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "in Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks
law.'" "Never heard of it," said Johnny.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your
feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours."
Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he
could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked
Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked
him
in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.
After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right,
now it's my turn," said Johnny.
"Aww, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

Weather Predictions
An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do. A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?" The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet."
The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more people went up
to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"
"Much snow. Very cold." Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.
The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another
time. Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "I dunno. Radio broken."

"Watch out for the wall!!!"

One day, an American businessman arrived at Kualalumpur Airport. After he checked out from the customs, he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one. When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance with some coins on the table. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents.
Since the lady is Cantonese Chinese, she usually speaks in Cantonese.
Forty cents in Cantonese is "sei kok".
So, she said, "Sei kok Mister...Sei kok...."
The American wondered why in Malaysia they have to "see the cock" before entering the toilet?
So he said, "No".
But the lady insisted. Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.
The lady said "No! No!", "Duit, Duit!" (money),
but the American misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Doit!"
So he asked, "Now? Here ?"
The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English.
The American thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and made love to
her. The lady started screaming and shouted,
"SAKIT! SAKIT!"('pain' in Malay),
and the American thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCKIT!"
He said, "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both breasts and sucked them.
The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay).
The American misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK,sweetheart,I'll be gentler a bit," the American replied. Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG!"
The American replied, "ooohhhhh.... here I cum, baby! here I cum!!

Q: What's the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: When the baby look like the father, its Biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, its Sociology!

A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How loving they are ? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that ? she asked. The husband replied " I tried once but she slapped me."

A businessman decided to take the afternoon off and got home about 3o'clock in the afternoon. The house was quiet, and he went upstairs and opened the bedroom door. His wife was in bed, and there was a strange man lying on top of her with his head between her breasts. 'What the hell are you doing?' he shouted. The man looked up and said, 'I'm listening to the music. 'What Music?' said the husband, and he leaned over and put his ear to his wife's chest. 'I can't hear any music,' he said spiciously. 'Ofcourse you can't,' said the stranger. 'You're not plugged in.'

Patient : How about a kiss, nurse.
Nurse : No.
Patient : Please, nurse.
Nurse : Definitely not.
Patient : Come on, nurse.
Nurse : No, no, no. In fact,I'm not supposed to be in bed with u.

A man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge
asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for an intimate nightcap . . . and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said,
"you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies . . ."
"You just happened to catch my eye."

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?"
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck... This is your Grandma's idea."

Q: What is the similarity between Cassette & Girl?
A: You can use them on either side.

Q: What is the similarity between Girls and Aeroplane?
A: Both have Cockpits.

Q: What is difference between Girl in Church and Girl in Bathroom?

A: A Girl in Church has soul full of hope and Girl in Bathroom has hole full of soap.

Q: What is similarity between Tea and Girl ?
A: Both are hot, Both have milk.

Q: What is the difference between Men's Cricket and Woman's Cricket?
A: In Men's Cricketer, there is short leg between two long legs and In
Woman's cricket, there is a deep gully in two fine legs.

Q: What is the difference between Ship and Girl ?

A: The Ship cuts through water and the Girl waters through cut.

Q: What is the difference between Sky and Skirt ?
A: Sky covers whole universe and Skirt covers the universal hole.

Q: Why did Gandhi wore dhoti without Underwear ?
A: Freedom of movement.

Q: What did Egyptian Boy say to Roman Girl ?
A: Come behind the Pyramid and I will make you a mummy.

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon
discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very
intelligent. Hoping to get intimate with her, he began
showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first
editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
"Oh, Sherry, by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the
gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me
with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is
removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I
inhale the enchanting aroma, and I'm lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion
and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand
violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported
into another world."

She continued, "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

Subject: Bill & Hillary

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, I am putting a
box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity
got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box
were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and
put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was
doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner
Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying,
"Iam so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked
into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I
gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years
you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put
an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica.
I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I
guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked
Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered,
"Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the
recycling center and redeemed them for cash.

The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They
were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only
one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led
down a hallway to a large gray door.

The CIA agents say to the first man, "We need to know that
you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.
Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". A look of
shock comes over the man's face. He says, "I can't kill my
wife. I just can't do it. I guess I'm not the man for this job".

"No, you're not", agree the agents, "You're free to go". They
bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to know
that you will do whatever we say regardless of the
circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your
wife". The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The
room is silent and after five minutes the man opens the door,
tears streaming down his face. "I tried," he says, "but I just
couldn't do it. I can't kill my wife". The agents let him leave.

They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to
know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the
circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your
husband". She takes the gun and before the door closes
behind her, she shoots off all 13 rounds emptying the gun.
The door closes behind her and for the next five minutes the
agents hear loud banging and grunting. The door finally
opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks at
both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew! You guys
didn't tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to
beat him to death with the chair!"

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the
night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he
could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down,
and the farmer went back into the house.

Well as the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs

and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He
needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep
in the barn.

The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"?

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.

The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She
went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out
to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before
returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all
disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of
straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up
the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why
their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer.
"I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took
him some food."

"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to
drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went
out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she
come back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she
had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the
stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued
on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few
hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs.
She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back
into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked
her father.

Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago."

"What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had
together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

"What?" shouted the father.

The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now
the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed
up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next
to his mouth, and yelled out, ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

And that's how yodeling began.

www.thwclub.com/members/1001121-34413-Female-Della.html

Today's Freebie: Who Loves You, Baby

It might surprise you all to know that I am a parent. (Matter
of fact, I've found the inspiration for some of the best
freebies while pacing the halls with my wakeful little
ones....) Apparently, this whole parenting-free stuff
connection hasn't escaped the notice of the folks at
BabiesOnline, either. This is the place for doting parents
and concerned caregivers who like to nurse nickels while they
nurture their young.

BabiesOnline has 100's of links for free gifts, free
services, free magazine subscriptions, coupons, information,
expert advice, and so much more. And, if you go there now by
clicking on the link below, you can enter their free drawing
to win an adorable personalized baby blanket. (See, when I
said BabiesOnline had you covered, I really meant it.)

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."

Did you hear about the Washington survey? They asked a
thousand women if they would sleep with the President.

95% replied, "Not again."

Still sitting on the fence whether to scrap the ol' VCR for a
DVD. Sure, DVD players have better picture and sound quality
and the discs are a lot smaller and heartier than those old
videotapes, or so my know-it-all videophile friends tell me.
But VCRs record cheaply, and that's a big plus, at least for
me. Yeah, recordable DVD is a reality, however a far off one,
thanks to the cost of these machines.

Before you put off your dreams of going digital in your
rumpus room, check this out; the folks at FastFreeFun are
giving away a cool DVD recorder (along with $1500 for movies
or blank recording discs). Entry, as you might have guessed,
is free! And this is in addition to all the other neat free
things going on there, such as contests, games software
downloads and other stuff. So click on the link below and
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Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their
conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a
cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do
anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish and...'"

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice it."

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows
him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the
kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there
alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh..I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an
ashtray."

Ponder this: If a man is walking in the forest, and there is
no woman present to hear him speak, is he still wrong?

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an
obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This
is what I want to print: Bernie is dead."
The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words."
The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his
bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions
for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been
with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were
there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you gave me support. When my health started failing,
you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck."

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate
road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze
was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing
red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can
catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up
further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the
lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and
examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is
my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you
can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard
before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I
was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

-------------------------------------------------------------
FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are
perfect." - Benny Hill
--------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You
should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living
hell. - Roseanne Barr

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."

Did you hear about the Washington survey? They asked a thousand women if they would sleep with the President.

95% replied, "Not again."

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh..I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an
ashtray."

Ponder this: If a man is walking in the forest, and there is
no woman present to hear him speak, is he still wrong?

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up
further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

FUNNY THOUGHTS:
"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."

QUICK WIT:

Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living hell. - Roseanne Barr

Q: What is the similarity between Cassette & Girl?
A: You can use them on either side.

Q: What is the similarity between Girls and Aeroplane?
A: Both have Cockpits.

Q: What is difference between Girl in Church and Girl in Bathroom?

A: A Girl in Church has soul full of hope and Girl in Bathroom has hole full of soap.

Q: What is similarity between Tea and Girl ?
A: Both are hot, Both have milk.

Q: What is the difference between Men's Cricket and Woman's Cricket?
A: In Men's Cricketer, there is short leg between two long legs and In
Woman's cricket, there is a deep gully in two fine legs.

Q: What is the difference between Ship and Girl ?
A: The Ship cuts through water and the Girl waters through cut.

Q: What is the difference between Sky and Skirt ?
A: Sky covers whole universe and Skirt covers the universal hole.

Q: Why did Gandhi wore dhoti without Underwear ?
A: Freedom of movement.

Q: What did Egyptian Boy say to Roman Girl ?
A: Come behind the Pyramid and I will make you a mummy.

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there
is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

The Magic Elevator

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father
took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially
the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked , "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an
old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued
to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a
voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
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Too much TV?????

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 yr. old looked up at her mother and in her
deepest voice replied,
"Bud."

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It Doesn't Exist

Jimmy came home from school with an F on his geography test. His mother
was reviewing his work, and noticed that he had gotten one particularly
easy question wrong.
"Jimmy," she asked, "Santa Cruz is in California."
"No, it isn't. It doesn't exist."
"Of course it exists. What makes you think it's imaginary?"
"That's what you told me, mommy," the boy replied.
"When did I tell you that?"
"Last Christmas, when I wanted to know why I didn't get a horse."
"No, I told you that Santa CLAUS doesn't exist, not Santa CRUZ."

Eat A Possum

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

LOVE AND MARRIAGE
Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant
Marriage is a Chinese take-out
Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa
Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children
Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is a romantic drive
Marriage is a tarmac drive
Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure
Love is sweet nothing in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank
Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!" HEIGHTS

Height of Confusion: Two earthworms making love in
a bowl of noodles.

Height of trust: Cannibal givinig blowjob

Height of Pain: A monkey sliding down a knife's
edge using balls as brakes.

Height of Honesty: A pregnant woman asking the bus
conductor for one & a half ticket.

Height of Foolishness: A guy peeping thru' the
keyhole of a glass door.

Height of Revenge: A bastard puncturing all the
condoms in acontraceptive factory.

Height of Patriotism: Pooja Bedi recommending Khadi
Bikini. Mahatma Gandhi recommending Khadi condoms.

Height of Noise: Two skeletons fucking on a tin
roof.

Height of Itch: A fat man hanging (upside down)
from a roof trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying
Clearsil to her nipples thinking them as pimples.

Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs between a
prostitutes legs.

Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and
waiting for an earthquaketo do the rest.

Height of Competition: A guy peeing against NIagara
Falls

Height of Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick
up a quarter on an island of gays.

Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a
straw.

Height of Disgustion: While wiping after a good
toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Technology: Condom with zip.

Height of Penetration: A baby girl born pregnant.

Height of Darkness: A negro searching for his balls
in a dark room.

Height of Fashion: A female applying LipStick to
her vertical Lips.

Height of Patience: A female lying naked under a
banana tree and Hoping for banana to fall in

Height of Coincidence: And the banana falling
in.(last one)

Height of Joblessness: You reading till this line.

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Save water.
Shower with your friend.

Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop

A good discussion is like a miniskirt
Short enough to pertain interest and long
enough to cover the subject

Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children

Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a
day than waking up every morning

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk ! (I don't want to
be an exception!)

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours !

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company,
three's the result !

A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without
restricting the view

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
_______________________________________________________

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just
enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on
tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to
be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high
wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything
you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The barkeep comes over to them and asks,
"What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of you finest beer that I can lick
my eye." The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never
have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet."

So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket.
The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me." He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about
tending the bar.
When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen
ready for another?" The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest
beer that I can bite my ear." The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's
left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take that
bet."

The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in
his mouth. The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me again." He brings the guys another pitcher
of beer and goes about tending the bar.

A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100
bill on the bar saying, "I'll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined
up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away."
The barkeep says, "It'll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can't do it." He puts his
own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.

The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor. The
barkeep picks up the two $100 bills, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then
notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100 so I'm smiling, you just lost $100,
why are you smiling?"

The drunk says, you see they guy over there I've been drinking with all this time? I just bet
him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with
a smile on your face.