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Listen to what I mean.

by Traute Klein, AKA biogardener

Most men need a little help in trying to understand the real meaning of what their wives are saying, so here is a little interpretive guide to women's thoughts.

Female Psychology for Mother's Day

For Mother's Day 2002, let me help hubbies everywhere to understand their wives better. When my words do not make sense to my husband, I usually remind him,
Don’t listen to what I say. Listen to what I mean.
Actually, I usually say, "Don't listen to what say . . ." and he completes the phrase for me. I am sure that this exchange of words happens in many a marriage. We women are so good at reading minds that we do not understand why most men have a problem with that art. So for the benefit of the men who do not understand the psychology of women, let me list some interpretations here.

What I really mean.

1. When I say, "Would you like to . . .,"
   I mean, "You should . . ."
2. When I say, "I need to talk to you,"
   I mean, "Let me lodge a complaint."
3. When I say, "Okay, go ahead,"
   I mean, "I wish you wouldn’t."
4. When I say, "I am not upset,"
   I mean, "Of course I'm upset, and I have a right to be."
5. When I say, "The gas gage is low,"
   I mean, "Don’t forget to fill up the gas tank."
6. When I say, "We sure collected a lot of garbage today,"
   I mean, "Take out the garbage. Now!"
7. When I say, "You are so attentive tonight,"
   I mean, "I wish you would spend more time just cuddling with me."
8. When I say, "It’s up to you,"
   I mean, "You are not going to listen to me anyway."
9. When I say, "Do you love me?"
   I mean, "Guess how much money I spent today?
10. When I say, "How much do you love me?"
    I mean, "I did something today which I would rather not tell you."
11. When I say, "We need new curtains,"
    I mean, ". . . and a new stove and dishes, and . . ."
12. When I say, "This kitchen is so inconvenient,"
    I mean, "This old house is not worth remodeling. Let's look for a new one.
13. When I say, "I'll be ready in a minute,"
    I mean, "You might as well read the newspaper while I am changing."
14. When I say, "Do you like this recipe?"
    I mean, "It is easy to prepare, so you will be seeing more of it."
15. When I say, "Am I too fat?"
    I mean, "Tell me that I am beautiful, even if you don’t believe it."
16. When I say, "It's all right, dear,"
    I mean, "I will get you for that."
17. When I say, "I am not raising my voice,"
    I mean, "I have to yell, because you never listen."
18. When I say, "Do whatever you like,"
    I mean, ". . . and I will do whatever I want."
19. When I say, "You have to learn to communicate."
    I mean, "Just admit that I am right.
    
20. When I say, "I'm sorry,"
    I mean, "You'll be sorry."
21. When I say, "I don't want to talk about it,"
    I mean, "Go away, I have to build up a case first."
22. When I say, "What makes you think there is something wrong?"
    I mean, "I'm going to kill you."
23. When I say, "Are you listening to me?"
    I mean, "What's the use of talking to someone who never listens."
24. When I say, "Nothing new,"
    I mean, "Nothing!"
25. When I say, "Nothing,"
    I mean, "Everything."
    
26. When I say, "Yes,"
    I mean, "Maybe."
27. When I say, "Maybe,"
    I mean, "No."
28. When I say, "No,"
    I mean, "N - O - P - E! - No!"