AN AMERICAN IN PARIS

WHY DOES THE FRENCH DISLIKE AMERICANS SO MUCH, AFTER ALL WE BAILED THEM OUT IN 1918 AND IN 1944 WITHOUT BLACK JACK PERSHING AND GEORGE PATTON - THE FRENCH NATIONAL CHEESE WOULD BE MUESTER INSTEAD OF CAMEMBERT, AND FRENCH TABLES WOULD BE COVERD WITH WIENERSCHNIZEL INSTEAD OF WILD BOAR-PATE.

ONE POSSIBLE EXPLAINATION FOR THIS GALLIC YANKEEPHOBIA COULD BE THE DIABOLICAL USE OF WRETCHED AMERICAN TELEVISION PROGRAMS TO PUNISH THE AVERAGE FRENCHMAN.

FRANCHS OWN TELEVISION HAS ALWAYS BEEN UNBELIEVABLY AWFUL, IDIOTIC VARIETY SHOWS, LOW RENT GAME SHOWS AND INTERMINABLE MOVIES ABOUT WOMEN SEARCHING FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE WHILE TRYING TO FIND AN INEXPENSIVE ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE OF THE LEXEMBOURG GARDENS.

BUT, WHAT MAKES FRENCH TELEVISION EXPECIALLY HORRIBLE IS THE SINISTER USE OF ANCIENT OR ROTTEN AMERICAN TV PROGRAMS TO GIVE A FALSE IMPRESSION OF LIFE IN THE STATES.

TUNE INTO THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT FRENCH CHANNELS AT ANY HOUR OF THE DAY OR NIGHT, AS I DID ON A RECENT TRIP TO FRANCH AND YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO SEE SHOWS SUCH AS RIPTIDE WITH GUEST STARS LIKE CESER ROMARO AND LYLE ALZADO OR MATT HOUSTON STARRING LEE HORSLEY.

NOBODY HAS EVER EXPLAINED TO THE FRENCH VIEWERS THAT THOSE SHOWS ARE NOT HUGE CURRENT HITS BACK IN THE STATES, AND AS A RESULT, THEY THINK WE ARE ALL IDIOTS.

ANOTHER NASTY FRENCH PRANK IS TO EXCAVATE LONG FORGOTTEN PROGRAMS SUCH AS CIMARRON STRIP STARRING STUART WHITMAN AND PASS THEM OFF AS CLASSIC AMERICAN FARE.

WHEN CIMARRON STRIP FIRST AIRED BACK IN 1957, CHARLES DE GAULLE WAS STILL IN OFFICE, THINGS DON'T GET ANY BETTER - ON CHANNEL 5 A SORT OF FRENCH P.B.S. WHICH HAS PROGRAMS WITH NAMES LIKE LE MASSACHUSETTS.

THE FRENCH TV LISTING READS THIS STATE LOCATED IN THE NORTHWEST IS ONE OF THE 13 ORIGINAL STATES, IT'S CAPITAL IS BOSTON.

AND IF THEY LIKED LE MASSACHUSETTS, WAIT TIL THEY SEE LE DAKOTA DU NORD.

ONE ENDEARING FEATURE OF FRENCH TELEVISION IS THE WEIRD NAMES GIVEN TO AMERICAN FARE.

PICKET FENCE'S BECOMES HIGH SECRET CITY, AND SILK STALKING'S BECOMES LES DESSOURS DE PALM BEACH - PALM BEACH UNDERWORLD.

CATCHY NEST-CEPAS.

OF COURSE, THE FRENCH WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET THE WORD AMOUR IN THE TV LISTINGS.

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL, A SOAP OPERA STARRING JEFF TRACHATA AND HUNTER TYLO BECOME'S, LES AMOUR GLOIRE ET BEAUTE - LOVE GLORY AND BEAUTY.

SANDRA BULLOCK'S HIT MOVIE WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING BECOME'S L' AMOUR A TOUT PRIX, LOVE AT ANY COST.

INEXPLICABLY, THE BABE RUTH STORY IS STILL CALLED THE BABE RUTH STORY AND NOT BABE RUTH LES AMOURS DU SULTAN DE SWAT.

TO AN AMERICAN IN PARIS, FRENCH TV IS ONE HUGE JOKE; AND SOMETIMES THE JOKE IS FUNNY LIKE WHEN STARSKY AND HUTCH TALK ABOUT GOING HOME TO HAVE A NICE CASSOULETT.

AND YOU REALLY HAVEN'T LIVED UNTIL YOU SEE ELVIS COME ON TO ANN-MARGRETT IN FRENCH IN VIVA LAS VEGUS.

AND FINALLY, IF YOU THINK WILLIAM SHATNER WAS ACTING BADLY IN ENGLISH, WAIT TIL YOU SEE IT IN FRENCH - AND THAT TOUPEE, - MON DIEU.

END