Mr. Stratford: This morning I delivered a set of twins to a 15 year old girl. You know what she said to me?
Bianca: I'm a crack whore who should have made her skeezy boyfriend where a condom?

Boy: Maybe if we were the last two people on earth and there was no sheep. Are there sheep?

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair;
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots,
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick;
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie,
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around,
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Patrick: You're not afraid of me, are you?
Kat: Why would i be afraid of you?
Patrick: Most people are.
Kat: Well, I'm not.
Patrick: But I'm sure you've thought about me naked.
Kat: Am I really that transparent? I want you. I need you. Oh baby oh baby!

:.saturday.night.live.:
Mango: You can never have mango!

Chris Farley: My name is Matt Foley, I'm 35, divorced, and I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

:.the.simpsons.:
Comic Book Guy: No banging your head against the display case, please. It contains a rare copy of Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide.

Lisa: No thanks. Do you have anything with fruit?
Homer: This has got purple stuff in it. Purple's a fruit.

Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs hysterically) So to answer your question, I don't know.

Homer:No beer and T.V. make Homer something something...
Marge:Go crazy?
Homer:Don't mind if I do!

Burns: Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: Uh... if YOU did it, sir...?

Homer: OOoooo! Look at me Marge! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land! In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic!
Marge: Well, duh.

Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.

Burns: He's a madman! I must reach Smithers! Now, how does this telephone machine work? I've seen others use it, let's see S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. By jove it worked! It's ringing!
Moe: Moe's tavern.
Burns: I'd like to speak to a Mr. Smithers. First name, Waylen.
Moe: Ohhhh. First name "Waylen" hey? Listen, you, if I ever get my hands on you, I'm gonna shove sausages down your throat and hungry dogs up your butt. Then I'll use your tounge to paint my boat!
Burns: Wahh!

Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

Mr. Burns: Homer, I want you to show this woman the time of her life.
Homer: Gotcha. Marge, we're getting some drive-thru, then we're doing it twice.

Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, another Friday night is upon us, What will you be doing? Something gay no doubt?
Smithers: Wha...? I...
Mr. Burns: You know, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Eh, eh, eh, exactly sir.

:.fraiser.:
Niles: I feel hot....and foamy.
Martin: My hot and foamy must have exploded!
Daphne: He was a detective, you know.

Niles: Don't call me irrational. It makes me crazy when you do that.

Niles: How far along are you?
Lilith: I'm nearly done defrosting.
Niles: And the turkey?

:.willy.wonka.and.the.chocolate.factory.:
Sam Beauregarde: Don't talk to me about contracts, Wonka, I use them myself. They're strictly for suckers.

Willy Wonka: Don't you know what this is?
Violet Beauregarde: By gum, it's gum!

Willy Wonka: Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.
Mrs. Teevee: That's 105 percent!

Willy Wonka: It happens every time, they all become blueberries!

Mr. Turkentine: I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest.

Mr. Turkentine: Of course you don't know! You don't know because only I know. If you knew and I didn't know, then you'd be teaching me instead of me teaching you--and for a student to be teaching his teacher is presumptuous and rude. Do I make myself clear?

Mr. Salt: Wonka! Butterscotch? Buttergin? You running something on the side here?
Willy Wonka: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!

Mr. Salt: What is this, Wonka, some kind of funhouse?
Willy Wonka: Why, are you having fun?

Veruca: (singing) I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now.

Tinker: Up the airy mountain, down the rushing glen, we dare not go a hunting, for fear of little men! You see, nobody ever goes in and nobody ever comes out!

Willy Wonka: There's no earthly way of knowing Which direction we are going There's no knowing where we're rowing Or which way the river's flowing Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing? Not a speck of light is showing So the danger must be growing Are the fires of h*** a-glowing? Is the grisly reaper mowing? Yes, the danger must be growing 'Cause the rowers keep on rowing And they're certainly not showing Any signs that they are slowing!

Willy Wonka: Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, and not a drop to drink... yet.

Willy Wonka: If the good Lord had intended us to walk he wouldn't have invented roller-skates.

Mrs. Gloop: My son! He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds!
Wonka: Impossible, my dear lady! That's absurd! Unthinkable!
Mrs. Gloop: Why?!
Wonka: Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow rooom! It goes to the fudge room!
Mrs. Gloop: You terrible man!

Willy Wonka: And Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he'd ever wished for.
Charlie: What happened?
Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after.

Mrs. Teevee: I think I'm going to be sick.
Wonka: Here, try one of these.
Mrs. Teevee: What are they?
Wonka: Rainbow drops, suck 'em and you can spit in 7 different colors.
Veruca: (picking her nose) Spitting's a dirty habit.
Wonka: I know a worse one.