It hurts of course, it hurts more than anything i’ve felt before, but at the same time is such a beautiful pain, warm and bright, everytime i let my tears fall freely it feels so nice and wonderful to cry the pain out of my system.

It is useless i know that, and i care, i am sorry but it is just that way, maybe there was a time when i was so careless and relaxed as to say that all that was important were my feelings and everything else could go to hell, i didn’t need his love, i knew that it was something i could never have, but just to have the certainty of my love for him was more than enough, it filled me completly making everything seemed so perfect and right, i still think certainty is really important, at the end that is one of the only things i really long for.

But now time has passed by, and so many waste already, things had changed and i don’t wanna know that i love him anymore but that he loves me.

I need to feel loved for once, to know that i mean really something to someone, that there is a person out there that needs me, no, that wants me, simply as that.

I don’t want to be needed i want to be loved.

What is love after all? Is it really that important?

I don’t know about it, if all i can tell is in theory due to the abstraction through my own feelins and the knowledge of the concept of love which is so easily classified in ordinary life, then do i really know anything at all? I’ve never felt loved, ever.

But my feelings are all i have, all i really am.

I love the way he is so sweet and caring all the time, even when he gets al grumpy because he is worried about me.

The way he can also be really strong and tear the darkness apart with his beautiful, bright, tender smile.

I love the way he makes the world so beautiful whenever he is around, and the reflect of every little thing on his deep eyes.

The way he can express so clearly the chaos in just a couple of simple words, without taking his meaning nor complexity off.

How everything he says, does and embellish with his strong presence is pure poetry.

The way i feel alive, complete and filled when he is with me.

How he can be so insecure sometimes about himself, without even seeing how beautiful and wonderful he is and all the pleasure and love he inspires.

Even when he is in his playful mood grinning like a 5 yrs old kid.

I love him completly, deeply and truly with everything i am.

And still………that is it, i am gonna let him go……………

Not as if i ever had him anyway i knew from the beginning that was impossible, after all i was the one hearing all his love problems all the time……love? Well absually i think it was about his sex problems cause i am not sure anymore if he really knows the meaning of that word, not at least in the sense i mean it.

But from now on i will release him from the prison of my heart no matter how much it might hurt and how tough it is gonna be i need more than this, i need to have someone for me in a deeper and different way i need something he just can’t offers me and Miyabi can.

Shinya finished washing the dishes and turned off the lights of the kitchen before entering the living room walking toward the balcony gracefully, he felt the need to stare at the lights once last time that night before going to bed.

Die was taking a bath and he had been in the bathroom for at least 2 hours now, the drummer smiled sweetly at the thought.

"What is taking you so long?" he whispered seeing in his mind million of images that could be or may not the answer to his question.

Die snoring in the bathtub with the water til his neck, Die singing loudly forever love, Die grinning like and idiot to his own reflection on the mirror looking at his muscular arms proudly.

The autumn haired man couldn’t take it anymore and burst out in laughter tearing apart the silence of the night with the delicious sound coming out from between his parted lips.

"Why are you laughing like that?" Die placed his arm slowly around shinya’s small waist staring at the dark sky that was in front of them.

"It is nothing, just something i remembered" a lie but it was better that way, Die was so calm and peaceful, he just didn’t want to break the spell after all he still needed to tell him the way things were.

Shinya turned around to be in front of Die looking into the older man’s eyes deeply.

Please Die tell me it is ok, that you understand and nothing is gonna change, i need you and that is not gonna change with this, i need our friendship as i’ve always needed it, i need you by my side even if it can’t be the way i really want it to be.

Die raised and eyebrow taking shinya’s long hands in his big ones lovingly without taking his eyes off the drummer’s.

"What is wrong shinchan? Something is bothering you?" his voice so tender and caring made shinya felt guilty.

This is ridiculous why should i feel guilty? It is not like he really cares about this, this is my life, all he really cares is the fact that he is afraid i am not gonna be here as always to hear him everytime he needs it, i can’t believe he is so selfish.

"Die………I’ve decided to give miyabi a second chance, he really cares and he is sorry about what happened the other day" he whispered scared of Die’s reaction.

Die’s face turned pale and then after a couple of seconds of silence he started yelling furious and shaking the slender body in front of him.

"Are you insane shinya! You are not going back with him, you just can’t i swear you are not gonna get even near that bastard again, can’t you understand that he really doesn’t love you? how can you be so foolish!" he grabbed shinya by the wrists roughly.

"You have no right to tell me what am i gonna do and what i am not, this is really important to me Die! And it is my own business it has nothing to do with you, i just thought i wanted to share it with you, but you are such a fool, who doesn’t know about love at all, who doesn’t care, i wanna be happy and i think i can make it this way, maybe it is the right thing to do, i wanna believe that!" shinya let the tears fall freely down his cheek he didn’t really care, it was Die once again hurting him, he knew that later he would also soothe the same pain he had caused, it was all an endless cycle.

You cause the wounds and then you heal them…………

Die let go one of Shinya’s hands to been able to caress the drummer’s cheeks to wipe the tears away lovingly.

"Once i found out one of the deepest trues of universe shinchan let me share it with you now please, The most small things are the ones that can make you truly happy, you don’t need Miyabi that is not gonna make you happy all the little details are gonna make it, it is all in you and in the way you embellish the world around you, your own world beauty"

the same voice, Shinya was in shock not been able to think straight anymore.

Die! It was Die the whole time? But that is impossible………

I would have noticed before, and i was so young it just can’t be.

But in his heart he knew that Die and him, his first love were the same person and he felt everything broke into million of small pieces all his dreams all he had kept inside for so many time, it just was impossible.

"No Die! You are the one who doesn’t understand, it is my fault, my own fault and nothing is gonna change that, and it is not just because of guilt i really wanna know how it feels to have someone at my side, to feel loved you know and i thought of all people you were going to understand and support me with this, but you are so selfish and all you care is that i am not gonna be there for you any time you want to run at my arms to tell me all your problems and everything about your ‘love’ life, and what about me Die? What about me?" Shinya pushed die away using all his strength and ran to his bedroom crying locking the door to keep the angry guitarist out.

"If you think i am gonna run after you shinchan you are so wrong, you got it all wrong how can you absually believe all those horrible things you said? Do as you want you are right it is none of my business anyway it is your life" Die held back the tears biting his bottom lip deeply and stared at the dark sky just once more before leaving the apartment quietly.

Shinya was in his bed desperate crying his soul out wetting the sheets feeling the coldness and loneliness of a night without the red haired man by his side.

I can’t believe this, it was always like this since the beginning and even before that, you were always there, i thought things were different, i thought that was a experience of my existence with an own place in my life, in time, for us.

But it was always the same, back then, nowadays, all so interlaced, it never began nor ended, nor was i stucked, it was just all the same.

Does that means that no matter how life may change from now on nor anything you will always be there at my side even if physically it doesn't seems to be that way?, appearances are nothing then.

All there is is just you and me always.

You haven’t changed at all, how could i’ve been so blind to not notice before? I guess i just wasn’t searching for you, that was my past and i didn’t want to bring it back, well it was i who told you once i remember it still so clearly, i said that at the place you have been happy you must never try to go back.

My love for you transcends any ending, time, or beginning, any fall or pain, life and death, knowledge and ignorance……………transcends existence itselfs and even knowing this i am walking away from you.

far beyond eternity.

He wiped his tears with his slender beautiful hand carelessly and grabbed the phone dialing a known number with the other hand nervously.

"Hi Miyabi-kun……yeah i missed you too, i’ve been thinking about us, and i guess it would be fair to try it again, i know that is what i thought maybe we can really make this work, it can’t be that hard now can’t it?………………i don’t know, all i can promise is that i am gonna try to learn to love you, thanks, yeah sure i will be waiting you with the dinner ready, ok? Bye" he hang down the phone sighing tiredly.

"What am i doing?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a room filled with steam and a couple of young beautiful men in eachother’s arms, hot water falling on their bodies warming them subtly, no words just sweet love in the air.

Kyo felt the doorbell softly under the noise of the shower.

"Damn i can’t believe someone found where are we, how is that possible i am sure nobody knew where i was, maybe something important happened, maybe something happened with Totchi" Kyo panicked turning off the water quickly running to the door.

He unlocked nervously and opened the door wide in one single quick movement.

"Kyo………"

"Die? Is everything alright? Something happened to Totchi?" concern filling the little singer’s voice at the sight of the beaten red haired man in front of him looking broken, marks of tears tainting his pale cheeks, eyes red and swollen, his chest moving up and down heavily as if it was too painful to breathe.

"Totchi is ok, well not great but still alive which is a lot to say for any of us, you wanna join me for drinks kyokun, please" Die rested his tired body against the door frame begging with his dark eyes to his bandmate.

What is going on in here now? How come it seems as if all our world would be falling apart? What could have hurt Die so much as to be as desperate as it seems to be?

"Maybe it’s all united, if you take out even the smallest piece it will all fall apart" he whispered more to himself than to anybody else.

"Please Kyo, i don’t want to be alone"

in that moment a dark haired man entered the room dressed in a tight short dress his pink cheeks beautifully in contrast with the paleness of his skin and the darkness of his eyes, hair and clothes.

"Well i will better go now, call you later kyochan, have fun with your friend" and waving his hand gracefully Kengo left the apartment almost running.

Die’s eyes were wide open in surprise, kyo just giggled sweetly.

"That was Kengo, you know from Noir fleurir we met sometime ago in that club, remember? Well……we’ve been going out since then, next time i will introduce him to you properly you will like it, he is really sweet and interesting"

"He is pretty" Die smiled a bit for first time since he had left Shinya’s place it wasn’t his usual bright and beautiful smile but it was still an honest wholehearted smile.

"Well you want to come in or you prefer to go to that bar right now?" the singer grabbed the keys to the room and put them in his packet knowing his friend’s answer already.

Something is just not right i can feel it, even though i am the only one that is not drown into it ‘til my ankles, how come they have not realised about it yet?

"Let’s go to that bar i like, you know the one that has always really cool bands of young visual boys playing, i heard tonight it was going to be some new chinese band in there, apparently they are quite good" said the guitarist running his big bony hand through his bright red hair.

"As you want Die, as long as we can talk anyplace is good" the singer walked out of the room after turning the lights off locking it from the outside.

"as long as we can drink anyplace is good" Die’s voice full of sadness and despair echoed in the dark corridor while the guys dissapeared in the elevator.

Reality is falling into pieces, at least reality as we know it ‘til now………that is what is happening as simple as that, change is not necessarily always bad but this time it is not natural change, the usual flow of things, but something else it is forcing it to happen.