comments: this part was really hard to write, i mean it had been in my mind for a while but it took me some time to sit down and write it, even thou once i started it it wasn't so painful as i thought it was going to be.

dedicated to Michan, luv you girl.

Mahy~

 

Die saw shinya’s body still laying carelessly in the floor, it seemed as if something vital had been destroyed, something shinya was never going to be able to recover again………

The guitarist ran, finally able to move again, to where the little drummer was, feeling the anger burning inside of him………

"Shinya……" he took the younger man in his arms and went to the bedroom.

It was all my fault, i shouldn’t have listened to you, i should have stayed in here, but you were so stupid, how could you put yourself in this situation……… if only you would have listened to me.

The mixture of emotions inside of him was too much, anger and hate growing intensely with each second it passed, against himself, miyabi and even shinya.

And in the middle of the confusion he suddenly noticed something, the only thing that was really clear, the only light shining in the darkness of his heart, only that for once that light didn’t bring happiness nor hope, but the opposite, despair and sadness.

I love shinya, i wanted to be with him, not as a friend nor a brother but as something else, i wanted to make him mine and take care of him, to share my life just with him………………………

The only times i ever felt complete and peaceful was when he was at my side.

He groaned in pain, images and feelings driving him insane, shinya in miyabi’s arms, shinya smiling at him sweetly.

"No!! Please make it stop!" he screamed grabbing his head with his hands falling to his knees, shinya didn’t even blink as Die threw him to the bed.

I hate you, i love you……

Everything finally was beginning to show itself as it really was for the red haired guitarist, too much to bear with it, he felt as if he was about to explode, and the only feeling that prevailed stronger over anything else was the anger, blinding him as he thrown himself on top of shinya’s bruised body earning a moan of pain from the little form under him.

He stared at shinya’s blank face.

"Say something shinya! Look at me!" he grabbed the younger man’s chin roughly forcing his tongue through his parted lips.

There was no response at all, shinya still was looking through him as if he didn’t even is there.

"Of course, but with Miyabi was different, right? With him you were very conscious and aware of each single move he made, each single caress he placed on your eager body, say something cause i am gonna fucking hurt you my babe" he whispered huskily in shinya’s ear just before licking him from there down his jaw, sucking strongly in the delicate skin of his neck.

He took his shirt off and tied with it shinya’s hands tightly above his head, even though he knew shinya wasn’t going to be able to defend himself, still he wanted to feel him as helpless as possible while he did everything he wanted with the fragile body.

He got up a bit to stare at the beautiful drummer still immovable in the bed, his naked body glowing beautifully due to the sweat and causing the most gorgeous contrast between the sheets, his pale skin and the dry blood that still remained in the lower region of his body, his hair laying messily, he brushed a few strands of hair off the pretty face lovingly.

"I want you to look everything that is going on, and i want to be able to see each gesture of you while i make you mine, after this no matter what you will never be able to forget my burning fingers on your soft skin, nor my love burning us both til we will be nothing more than ashes" Die laughed softly pinching one of shinya’s pink nipples sharply.

He placed himself between the drummer’s thin legs pressing his hardening cock againts shinya’s opening causing the younger man to shift in intense pain even at the most subtle graze against the wounded skin.

Die’s hands went to rub shinya’s cock while his tongue tasted eagerly the salty sweat in his flat chest, licking, sucking and kissing, specially in the tender flesh of his nipples.

He could feel his aching member growing under his tight pants painfully, he left shinya’s chest and went to rub his erection against shinya’s asshole in anticipation, moaning as the pleasure flooded his senses.

"Hurts…………" shinya’s shaky voice sounded lost in the pain, almost unable to find his way out of his throat.

"Uh?" Die raised his head hearing shinya’s soft voice to look at his face, shinya was staring at him biting his bottom lip blood rolling down the corner of his mouth, his eyes shutted tight as his chest moved heavily with his breathing.

"Does it hurts shinchan?" he asked with an evil smile forming on his lips as he pressed one of his fingers inside shinya’s asshole…… causing the drummer to scream desperately in pain trying to release himself from the other man’s hold……which he found out soon was completely impossible as he felt the ache in his wrist were die’s shirt was almost cutting the pass of blood.

Die kissed his lips licking the blood from his lower lip passionately.

His hands teasing Shinya’s balls merciless.

Shinya had stopped trying to fight against him, he laid now totally still with his face completely calm except a river of tears that fell down the sides of his cheeks.

Die stared at him admiring his overwhelming beauty even in the middle of a sitation like that, the room was completly silent as Die took his pants off and parted shinya’s legs positioning himself in between.

Shinya took a deep breath knowing what was coming now, and that the pain was going to be unbearable for him.

Die stared at shinya and wiped the tears with his hand tenderly, before thrusting inside of him violently tearing the tender flesh causing oceans of blood to flew from the wounds, shinya screamed arching his back before falling back to the bed fainted, not been able to keep bearing with the pain.

I didn’t want you to faint shinchan, that is not fair!

You are supposed to hurt as i do.

Die took the other man and pressed him against his chest while he kept thrusting inside of him, pushing his swollen cock as deep as he could, moaning shinya’s name, impaling the boy for last time he came inside of him.

"I am so sorry shinchan, but i know it was the right thing to do" he said kissing the fainted form in his arms and placing him back in the bed he just laid next to him holding him tightly.

He woke up feeling something wet against him, it was morning already and he felt warm and satisfied though he wasn’t sure where that feeling came from, he looked to where he could feel something wet and saw shinya’s petite body hugging him tightly, the drummer’s face was buried in his chest and from the corner of his eyes tears were running dunking him.

"Shinya?" he raised the younger man’s chin carefully, without been able to place the pieces of what had happened yet.

Shinya just stared at him crying in silence his arms clinging to Die lovingly.

In that moment Die felt something sticky in his leg, he raised the covers and saw the mess of blood and semen.

The events from the night suddenly came back in a row causing him to feel sick, he covered his mouth with his hand getting up quickly.

"oh god……… shinya i" he tried to say but what could he explain anyway, he still felt that he had done the right thing and he didn’t regret any of it, only the part when he hurt the other man, he didn’t want shinya to hate him, but he knew it was impossible to ask him to forgive him for what he had done.

Shinya tried to got up but his legs didn’t hold him and he fell to the ground just in front of Die crying.

Oh god…………what have i done?

Die felt his heart shattering into pieces while the drummer tried to get up again this time clinging into him for support, a pained statement on his face.

He shivered in horror as shinya fell in his arms, tears slidding down his cheeks falling into his naked chest.

"What?" Die couldn’t finish the sentence as shinya’s tender lips descend on him, kissing him sweetly, his arms placed firmly around the drummer small waist holding him tightly.

Why? I hurt him like anybody has ever done before, not even miyabi, i am sure of it, and i enjoyed it, i am the most horrible being in this earth, no matter how much i love him i caused the biggest pain to him.

And now he hugs me like if nothing ever happened, the only remind of the whole experience are the tears tainting his gorgeous face and his obvious physical pain.

He had expected Shinya to hate him, yell, hit, fear him, but never ever this kind of reaction.

When Shinya broke the kiss to catch air back, Die just hugged him desperately never wanting to let go, Shinya’s tears on his chest the most strong chains that tied him to the younger man forever and ever on, tears of love and pain.

"Die………did you ever live in xxxxxx and went to xxx school?" Shinya asked softly staring at the floor.

"umh, Yeah but shinchan that doesn’t matter right now, we need to talk" his voice trailed off " about what happened last night"

Shinya released himself from the embrace and took a few steps back with difficulty to look at Die straight in the eyes firmly.

"That doesn’t matter to me Die, not yet, first let me be the one who speak, ok?" he sat in the bed shifting a bit due to the pain.

Die nodded in silence seating in front of shinya, confusion clear on his face.

"When we met to form the band, remember? Kaoru introduced us that time in the bar.

well we already knew eachother just that i couldn’t remember ‘til last night when you left, i met you when i was around 5 years old but i never knew your real name" shinya blushed cutely lowering his face to stare at his own hands nervously.

Die was completely shocked trying to put the pieces together now, til finally everything made sense in his head.

"S?" he asked excited feeling his heart full with hope that he had finally found his friend again.

"We were really young, and when we met the first time we decided we were never going to use our real names, cause it was too boring and common and what we had was so special, we didn’t want to taint it with anything that had to do with our ordinary world, so we just use the first letter of our names, though you can’t imagine how much i regretted it when you left without even telling me the reason nor where were you going, i tried so hard to find you but it was useless, i didn’t even know your name and people couldn’t understand that if we were so close we didn’t even know that, nobody wanted to help me, and i think even if they had wanted to, it would have still been useless" shinya smiled sadly still without taking his eyes off his hands.

Die moved closer to him and grabbed his chin tenderly forcing him to look up.

"I thought everything was said between us, i knew i had to leave…………… but i thought it was better to leave it that way since we had talked about it already, you knew how i felt and i knew about your feelings too, i thought nothing else mattered.

I was so wrong……………

I almost drove myself insane searching for you everywhere, when i finally could go back for you, years had passed and nobody knew who i was talking about, your house was empty since years ago i was told, and i was so desperate, i tried so hard to forgot about you, i knew there was no hope for us, and i had promised i was going to be alright, i had the hope you would be better than i was, but no matter how i tried your image was always there, all the memories of the times we had shared together, all the truths we had seen……………" Die smiled warmly, his eyes shining beautifully just for shinya.

" and so i think i don’t need to say anything now, i made myself clear back then, i was the one telling you that i loved you and that my feelings were never going to change and so it was, but when i met you again that time in the bar being unable to see the truth i fell inlove with you for second time, i fell in love with the wonderful man you had become" shinya tried to lower his gaze again, his cheeks bright pink now, but Die didn’t let him and kept him staring at his eyes.

"You were so brave and strong back then, just a kid still facing reality without fear accepting the way things were without hidding from it

………why didn’t you tell me before all this happened?" Die held shinya’s hand in his own taking it to his mouth, kissing its back lovingly, feeling shinya tremble under his touch.

"That time when i told you everything there was inside me, you never answered back, you didn’t tell me how you felt about it, nor if you really cared, i knew it was impossible that you would love me now if you didn’t love me back then, i had become a fragile useless man……how could you ever care about me that way? You never said goodbye just left in silence leaving me behind crying in the most absolute darkness without your healing light, if you would have cared……… that is why i don’t care about what happened right now, at least you showed me that you desired my body enough to hurt me like that, i prefer that than nothing at all, i already told you, kill me if you want just don’t ignore me please, that i can’t go on without you" shinya’s tears began falling again but he didn’t look down nor try to hide it, he wasn’t going to keep running away anymore, once he had been able to feel proud of who he was, he wanted to feel that way again even if that meant to get hurt.

It wasn’t that way shinchan, you got it all wrong, i did love you i didn’t tell you but i thought it was clear in my acts, i didn’t want to leave you, those were the worst years of me life, you had took everything i was and i had left my soul taking care of you the day i left.

I was such a coward all those years and when i found you for second time all i did was hurt you even though all i wanted to do was love you and protect you from any harm.

" No shinchan, it is not like that, you got it all wrong……i do loved you back then and i love you now, you are the most precious in my life since i can remember, all my life you’ve been the only reason why i had keep moving on, trying to be a better man, just for you, for the day i would meet you again.

What happened last night…………it wasn’t because of desire, but because of love and pain, because of despair and sadness………and…" he was interrupted by the phone ringing loudly.

Both men stared at it in surprise ‘til finally Die went to pick it up annoyed.