Dreams and Time

by Maharet

This part's a bit short, but i'm sick and i don't feel like making it longer, bsd i think it's going too slow, but it has to be that way, so don't kill me 4 that.
Everything's gonna be clearer soon, i promise.
this part's dedicated to Mi-chan & arna as always.
well, hope u like it.
Maharet~

*********************
Kaoru woke up feeling rather distressed it was dark already, there weren’t any lights inside the apartment, and the city was completly quiet. He felt lost, everything, all the last events seemed blurry in his mind, his head was heavy and dizzy, for how long he had been sleeping?? 

He looked around,

just darkness embracing his slender figure.

There weren’t shadows, cuz there wasn’t even enough light for that.

Maybe It was better that way, shadows can tell a lot sometimes, and now he didn’t want to know abt anything at all.

He standed up of the bed quietly trying to enjoy the feeling of peace, but it was completly covered by the one of enguish creeping over his heart.

"What peace am i thinking abt??" he whispered softly, feeling the tears in his eyes.

He wasn’t going to let totchi know that he was crying no matter what, he had to be strong for him.

So he held back the tears painfully once again.

"I’m tired"

He left the room slowly, walking in total darkness hitting the walls delicately.

I don’t wanna hold the tears anymore, why it has to be this way, always i taking care of everything, making sure that everybody’s fine, and burying my own pain everytime deeper and deeper inside myself.

Maybe i chose the wrong alternative since the start, well there’s no turn back anymore. 

I just wish they could realize abt it.

My precious Totchi know it.

And he tries to lighten my weight, but i guess at the end i’m the one who doesn’t let him.

He opened the balcony’s glass door tiredly trying to reach the fresh and cold air outside the building eagerly.

It was an incredibly dark night, without moon, and the shine of the stars completly covered by the artificial lights of the city.

"I guess it’s always that way ne…" he said placing a cigarette between his slim pale lips.

"The artifical covers the real, the things that really matter at the end, and i know the reason.." He smiled lighting the long soft drug.

"That happens cuz we like simple things, it’s easier that way, so we don’t care abt what’s real or false, we just care abt accessibility and comfort, always so superficial" He grinned staring at the dark sky above his shinning pink hair.

No answer came down from the sky, not that he was waiting for that to happen anyway, he wasn’t a fool, he was just a simple human being after all, flesh and blood, bones and muscles, but more than anything he was just kaoru, soul and hands, heart and mind, Pure essence.

He needed to know the hour, what if the Dr came when they were asleep and he didn’t hear the knocks, he felt scared to face that possibility.

So he returned to the warm apartment trying to stay calm he was so lost, he entered the tidy little kitchen searching for the big clock hanging on the wall above the fridge.

9:30pm.

There was still time.

He let go a sigh, feeling a bit relaxed.

"He must be in his way here already, i hope everything’s gonna be ok, pls let him tell me that totchi’s gonna be fine soon, that this is nothing more than a simple cold"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wake up, c’mon beauty wake up"

Totchi heard a soft voice through his dreams, talking directly into his sensitive ear, but he tried to ignore it.

"Pls i need you to wake up, i want the chance to explain everything to you, let me lower ur despair"

again the same voice piercing his calm dreams, he tried to open the eyes, but they were so heavy.

He felt a strong arm lifting his body carefully putting him into a seating position, caressing his neck.

"Totchi-kun"

He slowly opened his beautiful eyes, feeling pain for the effort.

I can’t be that weak!!!! How can this be possible??

Am i gonna just disappear?? Just like that???

I’ll lose all my vital strength ‘til i’ll die quietly and peaceful, but cold and sad.

I don’t want to, this is not fair……

I had so many things to do, i need to tell kao-kun………

I haven’t lived yet, so many things to do, and feelings to experiment.

He felt a tear rolling down his cold cheek.

"Totchi??are u awake??" 

he heard Kaoru’s sweet voice next to him, caressing his skin with words, his voice as velvet against his slender form.

"I’m here Kao-kun, tell me something, you were the one speaking into my ear moments ago??" Toshiya said knowing the answer to that question already, an answer that laid inside the darkest part of his mind,of his conscience.

He noticed the bed moving under the guitarist’s weight, and Kaoru’s arms were soon around his fragile shoulders, but this time it was different from the others, he could feel it, the pink haired was searching for comfort in his body, kaoru was trying to cling onto the bassist figure as if it was the only thing still important in the world.

What’s wrong kao-kun??

Pls, you can tell me, i wanna know.

Don’t be like this, let me help you.

He thought raising his hand to play with Kaoru’s soft hair, caressing it lovingly, trying to help anyway his beloved, even if the cause of the guitarist’s sadness was something that he was never going to find out.

That wasn’t important to him.

The only thing that cared in his precious reality was his kaokao’s happiness.

"No tochi, i wasn’t here in the room, i’m sure it was just a dream, don’t worry abt it" Kaoru said smiling against Totchi’s precious neck trying to fill his lungs with his beautiful scent.

"yeah, just a dream"

Totchi felt all the hopes leaving his heart.

You were here, and you tried to talk with me,

but if you woke me at the end, then why did you leave???

It was becuz of Kao-kun???

What’re u trying to do??

"The Dr must be here any moment" said Kaoru turning the lights on.

The shine hurt Totchi’s eyes, who blinked in pain.

And the room was filled by shadows when he could finally opened them again.

"kaoru…"

"uh??" he said approaching totchi inmediatly holding him tightly against his warm body.

"I’m scared"

I don’t wanna be alone, i don’t wanna die, and more than anything i don’t wanna lose you, i can’t go on the rest of my life in this bed feeling my body and soul debilitate more and more

day by day.

Toshiya saw kaoru’s lips moving but no sound came out from them, and when he realized what was happening kaoru was already hugging him lovingly so tightly he thought he could die, but it was ok, if he had to leave this world anyway he wanted to do it in kaoru’s arms.

Such a sweet and beautiful death.

Feeling warm and safe………even sometimes loved.

He knew Kaoru didn’t love him, that he was just taking care of him becuz of the band and everything else, but still then, he thought he could see love in Kao’s eyes sometimes, and he was so sweet and tender with him in times like those, he couldn’t help to feel the hope creeping over his heart, even though he knew it was stupid and almost suicidal to feel that way……………

As more hopeful u are, more big's the fall after.

"Don’t be Totchi, i’m here and i’m not gonna let anything bad happens to you, ever" said the guitarist caressing the bassist neck delicately.

Toshiya shivered under his touch softer than feather.

"Do u hurt??" asked kaoru kindly sensing Toshiya’s reaction against his hands.

"It’s nothing, don’t worry, just that my back and neck hurt a bit becuz of all the last days in bed" he reclined in the bed again trying to avoid the pain growing in his body.

He hadn’t realized before abt it, but it was horrible.

He was so stressed and after being laying in bed so many days his neck muscles were aching badly. 

"Turn ur body ne" said Kaoru grinning sweetly.

"Uh??" Toshiya asked confused.

"Just do it, ok?" Kaoru said helping him to change his position.

"as u order master" said Toshiya grinning while he turned so he was layung in the bed with his back to Kaoru.

He closed his eyes, losing himself in kaoru’s strong pressence, everything in his apartment was filled with Kao’s essence by now, his pillow smelled like him, and the bed was a bit sunk in the place he slept.

He felt kaoru’s hands massaging his sweaty and delicate body, caressing lovingly his back, each inch of his pale neck.

It was too good to be true.

I gotta be dreaming, yeah i’m sure that’s it

I’m still sleeping and i’m having the most wonderful dream ever.

I don’t wanna wake up again, if i can have this kind of dreams, why should i try to reach reality again, so cold and different from this beautiful world, my own world.

He let go everything, lost in Kaoru’s strong and tender caress.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’re so beautiful my beloved, so tender, and such a brat at the same time, so delicate and fragile yet strong, intelligent and incredibly interesting but without being dense, always trying to cheer the atmosphere, to make everybody feel relaxed and comfortable.

I can’t live without u. 

Ur light lead me through this darkness that’s always surrounding me, i’m lost without u.

Can’t u see??

If u smile i can fly.

If u pray i believe

If u stumble i fall

If u forgive me i born 

If u grown i reach u

If u’re hurt i bleed

I only exist if u call my name

Koaru couldn’t believe he was absually touching Totchi’s porcelain skin like that, and the little moans that Toshiya was letting go were such a torture for him, the only thing he wanted to do was take the bassist in his arms and show him how much he really care, he was dying for the need of kiss every curve of the beautiful body, he knew he wasn’t going to being able to stop himself for much longer.

"Kaoru?? Are u ok??" he heard Totchi’s gorgeous voice filled with worry.

"uh?? Yeah it’s nothing, sorry, i was just thinking a bit abt something" he smiled looking into the dark deep eyes that watched him from the bed.

He couldn’t stop massaging the beloved body, he knew it was worst, but i just couldn’t help it, he was so happy knowing that he was helping Totchi even if it was in something so small as a massage to lower the pain on his back.

"kao-kun, thank you, i think i didn’t thank you ‘til now"

"Why are u thanking me Totchi??"

"For all the things u’re doing for me, and for all the things u’ve done since we met, i think that if it wasn’t becuz of u maybe i would be dead already" the dark haired beauty said changing his position so he could be seating in front of kaoru, and he gave the elder man the most bright smile that could only be for him and nobody else was never going to see.

Kaoru felt his heart overflowing by the feelings the innocent man in front of him inspired to his black soul.

He wanted to cry once again, but he knew he couldn’t be so selfish everybody need him to be strong, Totchi too.

And he hope he could find the strength he needed ‘til the end in his love for the bassist.

"You don’t have to thank me Totchi, i love to take care of u, really. It’s the most wonderful action, i’ve never felt so happy as when i am with you like this.

You’re so beautiful.

it’s a blessing from skies to be next to you, to being able to help u even if it’s in the most smallest things, and i know it’s a blessing i don’t deserve………but………" He was interrupted by a soft knock in the door.

Damn!!!!!

How inopportune…

I’m sorry my beautiful Totchi, our talk will have to wait once again.

He quickly gave Totchi a kiss in the forehead and went to open the door, the apartment was still in completly darkness except for the bedroom, and the night was black as he had never seen before in his life, no stars, no moon…………just velvet darkness everywhere.

He opened the door slowly, thankful for the fact that they were going to find out finally what was wrong with Totchi.



To be continued~

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