Maharet-Dreams and Time

The blonde heard a soft knock in the door, and he got up quickly to let the other man in, he didn’t need to ask who it was, he already knew that this day was going to arrive, though he thought it was going to be sooner than that.

The dark haired man just stood there outside the apartment in the narrow corridor under the weak light that shone on the only lamp that was turned on near the stairs.

"God! What took you so long? I’ve been in here for ages" Mast let the other man in with a tired sigh looking at him kindly.

"I’m sorry" said toshiya walking through the living to finally seat gracefully on the couch.

That’s it? You’re not gonna say anything else?

What do i care for your excuses anyway………

It’s your life and your only chance i’m just doing the good action of my life.

He laughed softly seating in front of the bassist slowly.

"I’m glad you’re finally here, i was beginning to think that you had changed your mind after all, there’s always the choise of just enjoy the present ne" a slight smile formed on his pale lips.

A shadow crossed the beautiful face in front of him.

It was really sad, truly sad.

Maybe that was the real reason why he had decided to help on this lost cause, he just couldn’t let someone so interesting and gorgeous to face destiny with his own slender and fragile hands.

"how many time am i late?" the concern was shown in those words painfully.

"Don’t worry, not that much, bsd it doesn’t make such a huge difference, now your pressence in here sure it does, you’re changing everything Toshiya, i don’t know what’s gonna happen, but i just hope things will change for good, you’re accelerating the whole natural process, things seems good for you right now" he said leaving the couch to go to the kitchen to prepare something to drink.

"But……i don’t know how am i going to take it for much time, i’m going insane, with kaoru’s pressence, my memories, and all the waste in here, my own stupidity, i truly believed that Kaoru didn’t love me in here, how’s that possible if he’s so obvious, and Die is the worst of all he’s so blind, i don’t know how that could change………i don’t want shinya to suffer, i just can’t……" he was interrupted by mast’s familiar arms on his shoulders.

"C’mon Toshiya, you gotta be strong, you knew it was going to be this way, but it’s the only chance you all have to make things different"

how can i be so such an hypocrite?

I was a stupid too, it’s so easy to blindly see things better than how they really are.

We’re all lost and that’s it, if we can’t make it right then everything has been a waste, and then you just killed me becuz of nothing.

Kengo, Kyo……

He felt a deep pain growing in his chest sending tears to his wise eyes, but if he cried then toshiya was going to feel even worst and he really didn’t want to make the things even harder than how they already were.

"But Mast, i’m killing myself" Toshiya started sobing loudly in obvious despair

"But you’re not gonna really do that, it’s just to push things a bit and you know it, you’re a strong person even in this time, and you’re gonna hold on all the time that might be necessary i know it, so just don’t thik about it too much"

You’re wrong my beauty, but right at the same time, just that you don’t know it already……

It’s true you’re not gonna die in here, you’ll only get stronger, and maybe there’s a chance after all for you and your friends, there’s gotta be, other way i would have never searched for you in first time and showed you all that happened.

"You know what’s hard?" the taller man said innocently blushing

Him.

That’s the worst part of corse.

"kaoru.

i wanna be with him so much, you know technically i’ve never been with him, but i have the memories of the time we were together, the first time we made love and all that, and i even have the memories of our feelings, and that’s horrible, the mixture of emotions it’s a big weight i’ll have to carry on my fragile shoulders forever"

You’re not gonna have to do it, believe me beautiful.

Mast smiled sadly hidden on the darkness of Toshiya’s hair, feeling guilty, so guilty for not being able to be totally honest with the wonderful man in his arms, but he knew it was the best that way, no matter how much it hurt it was the best, and even if that thought didn’t comfort him very much, it was all he had.

"It took so many time for both of you to get together finally, so much waste, so many time that you could have been together all gone becuz of a big misunderstood"

he stared at the moon feeling the sadness creeping over his heart, he liked the night since always, maybe it was becuz it always made him think in the bassist, of corse he was inlove with toshiya, but it wasn’t the kind of love he felt for Kengo and Kyo, it was different, he loved toshiya as human being, he was so perfect, so pure and beautiful, even if it seemed other way.

A master piece.

" I know.

Tell me, shouldn’t we do something about Miyabi?" asked Toshiya raising an eyebrow.

"we’re doing all we can, it’s not allowed to us to interfere so directly toshiya, i’m sorry" he said caressing the other man’s cheek sweetly.

"Don’t worry it’s ok, i have faith on them i know they’re gonna solve everything, Die has to understand what’s going on by himself, he can’t just keep closing his eyes at the reality and his own feelings, it’s so foolish of him, and bsd Shinya can’t be with this guy again after what i told him, i’m sure they’re gonna do the right thing and everything will be fine at the end, what’s keeps me worried is kaoru and I asbually, i don’t know for how long can i take it…………i know it’s horrible but, sometimes i can’t help to think what if i let myself die and take my place in this time, at the end it would be the same, but i know that’s wrong and i can’t be that selfish."

You can, but you better not toshiya.

That would be really stupid of you.

" I know you’re gonna do the right thing at the end so i don’t worry i trusth in you more than anything in this world, and i have the certainty that everything’s gonna be alright at the end becuz it’s all in your hands"

sweet words caressing toshiya’s soul, he knew exactly what to say to make things look better, even if deep inside he knew nothing was going to change what was on the bassist mind already.

"Thanks Mast, it means a lot to me really, more than you can imagine" he raised his head and looked absently into the ceiling.

"It’s just the truth anyway"

the truth?

Do i even know what that word means by now?

But it is i know it is just that way…………

"by the way, there’s something that’s bothering me a lot lately" said the dark haired man seriously.

"Uh? What thing"

a useless question, of corse he knew already what was all that about, and it was what he had been fearing since the first day, so he was right from the beginning, but, there was still hope, right?

No answer back, just the silence of the stary night.

"I’ve been having this odd dreams, at first i thought it was some memory, but i just can’t remember having seen this one before, so it just doesn’t make sense at all, it comes and then leaves as if nothing had ever happened"

"tell me about those dreams please" begged Mast softly hugging the bassist tightly.

Yeah you little Maso keep asking things you already know.

He yawned exhausted.

"I don’t know it’s not like an image, i mean there’s like mist or something like that, and i’m with someone else, talking and i know it’s something really important, and that i need to hear everything but i just can’t it’s as if the other person’s each second more far away from me, and no matter how much i try to reach him i can’t, i feel horribly sad, full of despair, hopeless and lonely, and i always wake up covered in sweat and screaming in pain.

I have no idea what it means but i don’t like it at all" the bassist said resting his head on the guitarist arm tiredly.

I knew it………

Tears started forming in the blonde’s eyes and he couldn’t held them back anymore, they fell rolling down his pale pink cheeks.

And he let them flow freely in a desperate attempt to lower the pain and the feeling of lost that didn’t stop growing inside of his small body.

He was sure that toshiya could feel his tears falling on the back of his neck but he knew that the other man wasn’t going to say anything about it and he thought it was better for both of them that way, he understood the bassist, he was afraid, he had chose not to know, and he didn’t want to tell anyway, he would have had to come out with some ugly lie, or maybe he could tell the half of the truth, but he didn’t want to tell the dark haired man about his weakness and his precious lovers at all, spc since Kyo was Toshiya’s best friend, no matter which time, space or world it was that kind of things don’t change no matter what.

So he just hugged the taller man tenderly in silence, the was no need of words at all, what for?

Nothing was going to change no matter how many words they would waste anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"But that has no logic at all, what’s all that supposed to mean, i don’t get it" He said losing his patience at the thought of the ridiculous and horrible explanation the other man was giving to him.

"I know it sounds stupid kaoru, but you gotta trusth me, and it’s better if you just stay with him here by now, i’m gonna come over at least each night to check on him, but if you ask another Dr’s opinion it’s gonna be just completly useless, and the only thing you’re gonna do it’s worry him even more" said the Dr trying to calm him, though he knew it was going to be impossible, and it was completly reasonable after all what was happening.

"But please, i beg you, just tell me what’s wrong, anything, what can i do to make things better?, how can i help?" kaoru asked with his beautiful eyes filled with tears that he was trying desperately to held back failing awfully.

"Please kaoru he’s gonna hear you, low your tone of voice.

I already told you he has nothing at all, but he’s dying, and i know it’s ridiculous to hear, and horrible, but it’s all i know, he doesn’t has any disease, that i can tell, but somehow it’s like if his body’s just dying slowly, fading away with each breath he takes, and let me tell you something else, he knows it, all this i’m saying to you he already knows it, maybe he can even tell you the reason, maybe he just don’t wanna live anymore, i don’t know, i wish i could help you more than this, but i just don’t know what to do"

Kaoru knew the Dr words were honest and that he was very sad too, feeling impotent without being able to help in anyway at all.

What’s going on……

i wish i could know the answer to that question, i know there’s something odd happening in here, if i only could find out what.

One thing i’m sure about, Totchi’s not gonna die, i don’t care what i might have to do to avoid it, but there’s no way he’s gonna leave me now.

"I’m sorry Dr, it’s not your fault i know you’re doing all that’s in your hands to help and i really appreciate it" he said smiling weakly thankful for the Dr kinds words.

"I’m really sorry kaoru" said the Dr walking towards the door.

"I know, well i guess i’ll see you tomorrow then, right?"

"Yeah around the same hour, i’ll call first anyway, just to be sure" and saying that he left the apartment and a hopeless kaoru stood in the darkness alone.

This gotta be a nightmare,

yeah that’s it! this can’t be real.

How’s all this possible?

One day everything was perfect and then in just matter of a night everything changed and now all it’s just………this.

I just can’t accept it, i refuse to do it.

He dried his tears firmly with his hand and walked through the shadows in totchi’s room direction.

"Are you feeling alright?" he asked uncertainly seating on the bed slowly next to the bassist, he didn’t want to bother him.

"Fine kaokun don’t worry" the younger man’s sad eyes just stared absently into the night sky outside the window.

He looked so pale and weak, his lips were even a blueish tonality, and his once shinning eyes were now completly lifeless and empty, filled only with sadness and despair.

Kaoru’s heart shrank in pain at the sight of the object of his most pure and deep love in that state, he still looked beautiful, in a different way from the usual though.

"You look so beautiful tonight totchi" he said running his long and slim fingers along the dark haired man’s perfect jaw.

What would i do without you in my life totchi…

It would be everything so empty and meaningless, i just can’t even bare the thought of such an ordinary and shallow existence.

But if i knew this all the time, why couldn’t i just be with you? Hold you tightly in my arms, safe from any harm the outer world could cause on you.

Why if i’m aware of all this still now, can’t i be with you?

Suddenly toshiya started sobing loudly while he whispered softly over and over again.

"I’m dying kaokun, i’m so sorry, i’m dying"

To be continued~