comments: not much to say, me really tired now, so i hope theren't too many mistakes on it, thou i tried to check the grammar my head's too dizzy ^__^ and i also hope that by now things are finally clearer *sigh* well this part goes to SB, Lady 7, Michan, Takechan, Jesse, Audrey and Arna with love.

hearing evergreen ~hyde's not Raphael's~ while writing.

Maharet~

 

Kaoru was slept.

Finally after what had seemed like an eternity he had gone to the couch to ‘read’ for a while and let totchi rest, of corse totchi wasn’t resting at all, just drowning in his own sorrow and despair, but that didn’t change anything at all for the man that was hidden in the shadows of the curtain, lost into the night’s darkness.

Everything’s gonna be your way beautiful, so at least i’m gonna enjoy even if it’s just a little of all this, i need it, just think of it as a pay for my sacrifice, but i don’t know why do i even care about it, you’re never gonna find out anyway.

He sighed sadly, it didn’t make any difference and he knew it, he was sad, he didn’t absually want to do this, but at the same time was what he wanted the most in his whole existence, he was too conscious that it was wrong, and that he was just hurting himself, but it was unavoidable.

"I’m sorry" he whispered to himself in pain, it was the last thing he could at least do.

He moved away from his hidding place slowly with feline’s grace and agility without even stopping on his way to let his eyes wonder on kaoru’s sleeping form, he knew he was going to have time later to do it, and for more, so much more than that.

He liked this place, it was so simple and beautiful, his touch was all over it, even in the little room that the singer occupied.

He let his hand rest on the door’s frame while he stared at the painful figure of the bassist laying on the big bed.

It was a huge contrast the beautiful, fragile dark haired boy against the blue sheets, breathing slowly, deeply, his chest moving in rythmical intervals, his pink pale lips slightly parted trying to cling onto the fresh air desperately, to taste it, enjoy of the simple details that was it.

He knew he was going to die and he also was aware of the reason, but the man didn’t understand why he hadn’t said anything to kaoru yet, that just didn’t make sense.

Is he trying to protect me?……

The thought made him feel even worst, so he just pushed it away as strongly as he could.

He noticed the bassist’s eyes staring straight in the direction he was.

So he knows i’m here already, well maybe that’s just better for both of us.

He sighed painfully for last time trying to gain courage, he had already made his mind so it was easier to just do it, but that didn’t mean it was easy at all.

"Hi beauty" he said softly entering the room calmly with a sad smile on his precious lips.

Don’t worry totchi, i’m not gonna hurt you, ever.

How could i? I just want you to understand that, i’m not gonna let you just die like this.

"Good nights! How’re you been? I was wondering when were you going to visit me again" the weaker man asked courteously without any signs of anger or hatred on his low voice, pointing to his side on the bed with a genuine truthful smile.

I was wondering that too.

He laughed softly feeling better, more relaxed.

Totchi trusted on him, that was quite something.

"I’ve been just surviving i guess, thinking a lot and arguing with myself quite a bit too.

And i was very worried about you, are you feeling better?" he asked knowing the answer already, but he truly meant it, it was more like a wish than a question.

He seated slowly next to the sick man on the bed placing his hand on his forehead to check on the temperature.

"Absually i’m not, i’m worst with every single breath i take, and you know it, but thanks anyway, i know it’s not your fault, i mean, at least you’re not doing it on purpose" the fragile beauty managed to laughed softly of his own words, tilting his head slightly to lower the pain.

I’m so glad, maybe i underestimate myself, i wasn’t such a fool as i thought in here after all, sometimes i think that i’m the one that’s wrong and that i was a lot wiser in this time.

He took the other man’s hand on his own tightly.

"But tell me Totchi, how can you know that? I’m the reason why you’re so sick after all, maybe i’m here just to kill you and take your place after that" he said feeling the despair creeping over his pained bloody heart, sending tears straight to his profound eyes.

Don’t trust in me, please, don’t do it, i beg you.

I can’t even trust myself, i don’t know what i’m doing at all, i might just do what Mast told me that time, enjoy of what i can get as long as i can.

"I just know it can’t be that way Tish, you’re just me after all, i don’t know why or how nor anything, but i’m sure i could never hurt anyone, and that includes myself, and i have the certainty too, that if you’re doing whatever you’re doing, you have your reasons, and that’s all i need to know, i’m in peace you know." The bassist said tightening his hold on the the other man’s hand.

He couldn’t stand anymore and let a couple of tears fell beautifully.

I’m an horrible person i really deserve everything that’s gonna happen in the end, if i fail then i’ll just know that i caused my own ending, but please please leave the others out of this.

"I’m sorry" he said pulling the covers down of the shivering body laying in the bed and took him carefully on his arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"hai hai.

Umh………i already told you Kyo-kun don’t worry about that, of corse, you know i want to *giggles* tell him that i love him too, you’re so silly sometimes, No i can’t i’m going to take a shower now, but later i promise, yeah it’s a promise then" He heard kengo taking the phone off kyo’s small tender hands loudly while the other man just screamed wildly.

He laughed softly at the image of his lovers there fooling around, just waiting for him.

"But it wasn’t my fault, no kengo you know he rang! *Sigh* don’t be like this… why don’t you guys just relax over there i promise i’ll be there soon, ok?"

of corse there’s no other place in the world where i would wanna be right now, if everything’s gonna be the way i foretold then i should just enjoy of all this.

A loud knock through his thoughts brought him back to reality.

This global reality of corse.

He let go a soft laugh at the thought.

"listen Kyo, i have to go now, love you and that goes to Kengo too, i’ll be there soon i promise, wait for me, i don’t wanna miss all the fun" he said smiling widely, though he wasn’t really conscious about it and he placed the phone down grinning happily.

The knocks again disturbing him, taking him away from that dreamed world where he could be happy, just easily by closing his eyes and hearing the strong beating of his own heart, the blood running beautifully in his veins, feeling the world, his true home.

He went tiredly to answer the door, now he was truly upset.

Why even if i’m milles away from here do i have to be bothered by this kind of simple and unsubstantial things.

i hate it!

It wasnt that easy at all to just block everything from the outside and be in peace for once, but of corse everytime he finally could do it something would interfere and force itself into his own sacred place, ruining everything just like that, a blown of wind, the soft whisper of the sea; he didn’t need any of that, he already had it.

He knew that was the only thing wrong with all, the weak point of his theory and he also knew it was enough to bring everything down, all his work, his sacrifices, but no matter how hard he worked in the problem, it was useless he just couldn’t put the pieces together perfectly there was always that same mistake over and over again.

He just opened the door and took a step aside to let the other man in, after all he knew nobody else could find him here, why should he worry about it, it didn’t matter anymore, not at all.

Now that everything was loss all he could do was pray for the rest of them, for his beautiful Tish.

But he wasn’t prepared for what he saw.

Fucking great!

"I’m sorry i didn’t knew where else to go" the dark haired man said softly shaking slightly.

"Well, you shouldn’t have done anything like this in the first place, are you out of your mind or something?" his own voice didn’t sound familiar to him anymore, so cold and firm.

This is wrong Toshiya, you gotta understand it by yourself, i just can’t show you all the way, i’m just a guide remember? You’re supposed to do it on your own.

"I don’t know, maybe i am" the bassist whispered more to himself than anyone else, placing the beautiful man that he was holding tightly on the couch softly running a hand delicately down his burning cheek.

Mast couldn’t be angry with that, he understood too good the other man to be so incoherent as to be upset becuz of his actions.

But that didn’t make it right and he was aware of it, it was still wrong no matter what.

"Well, do whatever you wanna do" he seated tiredly next to the fainted body laying gracefully on the couch.

What am i supposed to do anyway, i can’t stop you from do as you please, no one can do that, only your own common sense, but the truth is that i don’t think that will work this time.

He let go a sigh and got up to go get a cover for the shivering man next to him.

"Mast?"

"What’s wrong Tish?" he stopped abruptly and turned around slowly at the sound of the other man’s deep voice.

" I knew i could count on you, thanks, i promise i’ll be back soon, just please take care of him, i ………" the bassist let go a painful sob and took a profound breath trying to recover his courage and push the feeling of guilt someway as far away as he could.

"I want him to be safe, i need him to trust me, but i can’t do the things other way, and i’m really sorry becuz of this, i love him so much, both of them you know………"

the guitarist melted at the sight of the hurt beauty begging to him with those profound dark eyes full of tears.

"You don’t have to worry about it, i’ll take care of him, but be back soon, cuz if he wakes up i wouldn’t know what to do"

what would i do then?

He could see a image of himself saying to the other man that he was Kyo’s koi and that he was at his apartment cuz………cuz kaoru had to go shopping some medicine and he didn’t want to leave him alone.

Totchi just smiled and then would say how happy he was that bratty Kyo was with someone finally and then he would go back into that state of unconsciousness he was beginning to embrace most of time now.

No! That wouldn’t be alright, that would be horrible in fact, he couldn’t just lie like that, bsd after all this guy on the couch was toshiya his toshiya.

Toshiya seemed to catch his thoughts and just said softly

"Don’t worry Mast i’ll be here i promise, he’s not scared at all, he really trust me"

Mast nodded defeated what else could he do anyway.

He just watched as toshiya walked to the door and blew a kiss at him before dissapearing into the shadows.

As always……

"So………what am i gonna do now with you beautiful?" he asked to the sleeping toshiya on his couch softly.

This toshiya was different though, well he knew that, since he was the head behind all this crazy idea he wouldn’t have done any of this if he wouldn’t knew this man, truly as no one else in the world, he had seen through his soul, everything about him his more intimate feelings, his fears, maybe he loved this one absually not the other.

He let go a sigh.

It didn’t matter, he had made a mistake, it was a life after all, and he had played god.

A single life at the end involves the whole universe, all interlaced, everything in just a small piece of existence, that’s infinite then?

A concept so abstract that no mortal mind can even sense it clearly, but what if things would be just like that, everything into nothing.

Cuz what’s a person in this whole ever changing chaos of life? But still knowing that, it doesn’t change the fact that a single person that’s so small and fragile is at the end everything, completly absolutely the whole universe by itselfs.

it’s so easy to think that you have total control on everything, that you can change fate, but the sacrifice’s too big.

He brushed a strand of silky black hair off the pale face smiling on dreams just for him now, for once it was all just for him.

" i did it for you, and for me too i guess, but you’re the one who will have to forgive me at the end, cuz i’m not gonna have the strength then to make you forget, that if i can save you…………

other way you’re not gonna need it"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaoru felt soft humid lips agains his cold skin, so warm……

But somehow it didn’t feel just right, not the way he felt whenever totchi grazed his hand without even notice or when he let himself lost in those big deep meaningful eyes.

He tried to open his eyes slowly but he could feel a hand on them, not allowing him to watch what was absually going on.

"Shh……………it’s nothing Kao-kun, just me, don’t worry" he heard Toshiya’s husky voice on his ear before feeling the warm tongue running down his jaw toward the sensitive region of his neck.