by Mako

I’ve loved him for what seems like forever. When Kamijo gave us that song,
smiling as he passed out the score sheets, my heart practically stopped when I read over
the first line: “Umareru mae kara aishiteta.” I’ve loved you from before you were born.

“What do you think?”

With warmth inside my heart, I told him I thought it was corny... like I do every
time he gives us a song. He just smiled at me and took Emiru’s comments. Ah, my
beautiful secret love...

It’s been years... this silly crush. I can still feel the first time he touched me,
when we were “Laleine” and he was called by a different name...

That song, “fiancelles...” it was really popular. Of course, Kamijo didn’t take any
of my suggestions, as usual. It doesn’t especially matter... I just want him to be happy.

But our important live was soon, and we were all frantic to become the best we
could in the short time. I got so frustrated one night that I ended up breaking my favorite
acoustic guitar... but Kamijo was always so cool about everything. And when I returned
from the convenience store, a new one sat in my apartment, with a big peacock feather
attached to it. I embraced the guitar as a lover and leaned against the door with my eyes
closed. “Arigatou, Kamijo.......... aishiteru.” And not being one to indulge in silly
fantasies, my mind had a brief glimpse of him coming out of the darkness, his long blond
hair like that of an angel and smiling at me, leaning down... but I shook it away. That
sort of thing isn’t good.

I practiced the entire night to perfect the troubling sequence, and meeting the
others in our practice place the next day, Kamijo gave me a knowing smile and assessed
the bags under my eyes as the morning leavings of convenience store liquors. My
Kamijo... you’re weird sometimes...

Years before we thought we were ready (even though we truly were
overly-prepared), it came. The audience, such a fantastic size!! I wouldn’t let myself be
amazed. I would play my guitar, every note hoping to touch his heart. This was my cry
to the world.

It was why my music was always so much darker than his. Secretly, I cried
sometimes when I composed... and tried to translate all of that feeling into the assortment
of notes, hoping someday someone would understand. But I’m happy this way. He’ll
never know. After all, Kamijo likes girls, right? I’m not a girl. Hell... I’m not even as
pretty as Emiru, Machi, or him. I just play guitar.

And so we began. It was easier than I had thought... the chords and notes came to
be without even thinking. I indulged Emiru by looking up at the cameras when he
pointed them out. We even switched places a couple of times... which still seems
somewhat weird to me, but that’s what he wanted to do... and it was kind of fun anyway.
Running across the stage... being that much closer to him.

But all of that, it wasn’t even important. It was only when Kamijo headed
towards me did I worry. I knew he had been studying other band’s lives for a little
while... I know more Luna Sea songs now then I had ever cared to.

But he didn’t stop, and before I realized it, he was so close to me... I completely
froze, except for my hands (which, I think sometimes, have minds of their own). I will
maintain this exterior, I will play my guitar, I will--- KAMIJOOOO!! Playing with ME!!
I would’ve fainted!! Look, I thought to myself, I’ve turned into a fangirl. Heh... so I
allowed a slight smile and breathed -relief- when he moved on... one more second and I
probably would’ve died. I can laugh, even looking back on that time. Because I’m the
shy one, because I’m the ‘serious’ one, I wonder what Lariene and the fans would think if
I -really- let them inside of my head? I don’t even want to know.

All too soon, it was over. I knew this particular live would be on video, but... I
wanted to relive it already, even five minutes after the show. We relaxed backstage,
smoking and laughing over some of the... odd (and sometimes suggestive) comments
given back to us. A perfect way to relieve stress.

Reaching for a second cigarette, I was shocked to find Kamijo’s long fingers in
front of my face, holding up a small flame. Trying not to hesitate, I leaned forward and
lit it. What’s come over him all of a sudden? He’d never treated me with -any- special
consideration before. My beautiful Kamijo...

Soon, Emiru went off with Machi... I wonder if he was trying to learn drums or
something...? ...giving each other make up tips...? I thought of a dozen idiotic reasons
for their leaving, never touching on the real one.

When I looked up to blink my eyes a couple of times after trying to decipher
fangirl-kanji, I noticed Kamijo’s eyes on me, burning straight into my heart.

“Anou... Kamijo, can you read this line? I’m not getting what it says after--!!” I
was silenced by the insisting push of warm lips on mine. My Kamijo...! But I turned
away. My god.. how long has he known?

As if reading my mind, “I’ve always known, Mayu-kun. You are my Lillie. The
one I say “Je T’aime” to every lonely night. My--”

Screw it. That dramatic voice he uses.. I couldn’t listen to it anymore and put a
finger to his lips. After all these years of loving from a distance, not even -planning- to
go forward, I decided that now is it. I will take what I love.

“Urusai na, my beautiful one.” I was shaking so much. Did I really have the
confidence to go through with this sort of thing? Trembling, I intertwined the fingers of
my other hand within his luxurious hair and pulled him towards me gently. I could feel
his smile as I placed a lingering kiss on his lips. Damn Kamijo and his “coolness,” no
matter the situation.

Feeling Kamijo’s heat, his smooth hands as they slowly pulled off my shirt, I
realized how lonely I had always been. There was never anyone. My parents, although
they supported me... I think they always secretly hoped for more. And in not living up to
their expectations no matter how hard I tried... I was lonely. Always.

Even though I’m not sure where I am now, I realize I’ll always have my Kamijo.
I’ve broken out of this cocoon. I’m free.

My sensations were that of only Kamijo, and when I looked up I noticed the lights
had dimmed. But his hands and mouth brought my heart and body away from thinking
about even that, and I even almost didn’t register the boyish giggle. Emiru... probably
Machi too... but I was too far gone to care. I loved Kamijo... and he was showing me that
he felt the same.

Kissing me a final time, and moving our clothes from the couch to the floor,
Kamijo finally brought his attention to the rest of me... which after such a long time of
teasing, burst into a rainbow coloured light. Knowing the other two were still close by, I
tried hard not to cry out, but with Kamijo’s continuing assault, both gentle and knowing,
I couldn’t help it the next time. And again, I heard Emiru’s giggle. ...little pervert.

In the time afterward, it was somewhat awkward to have Kamijo’s hand finally in
mine. It hurt sometimes, to love someone so much, and to have them actually love you
back... But I have to think positive and get used to these kinds of kind gestures. My
Kamijo... His Mayu... finally, a true happy ending.

But I’ll still call his songs corny.

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