The Doctor Is In

(PG-13)

"Well, Mr. Sandburg, what seems to be the problem?"

"Well, Doc, I hate to admit it but I think I'm over- extending myself."

"I understand you've been given added responsibility at your job."

"Yeah, you could say that. You see, at first it was pretty cool. I showed up, did my bit, then a stunt guy did all the physical stuff. I mean, I'm an anthropologist, ok? Ellison, he's trained for this kind of thing... the military, the cops. If he wants to run and jump and get beat up, hey, that's fine with me. But when I see "Blair gets another gun stuck in his face", man, I get out of there! It's in my contract."

"So what's changed?"

"It's the fanfic, Doc! They're gonna kill me!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sandburg. I'm not familiar with the term."

"It's the non-union stuff... on the 'net, in the 'zines. Fans sitting at home, making the stuff up. I always knew it was a possibility but I really had no idea how far it'd go."

"What kind of 'stuff' are we talking about here?"

"Hurt/comfort! They warned me... they said, 'now Blair, it *is* an action/buddy show, so this kind of response is almost inevitable.' But I didn't realize that *I'd* have to do it all. It's considered 'personal appearances for promotional purposes' and that means no stunt double. I'm the one hanging from the pipes or drugged to the gills or kidnapped for dramatic tension. I'm ready to pack it all in!"

"Surely it's not all bad, Mr. Sandburg."

"Ha! If I even see a pair of handcuffs I break out in a cold sweat. I mean, I can deal with the rapes. It's only been a couple of times -- it's not like I'm Tom Paris, after all. God knows how he's keeping his sanity after all those writers have done to him. But the handcuffs! And the chains and the wires and the ropes! Look at this! Permanent scars around my wrists! How will I ever get a gig as a hand model now?"

"Was that a career ambition?"

"Well, no. But I hate to cut off an option. You never know how long syndication is going to last and colleges don't pay all that well."

"Let's get back to the hurt/comfort. What does that actually consist of?"

"It just seems to me that every story, slash or gen, I get whacked on the head by some baddy and trussed up like a Christmas goose. Even Scully doesn't get hit nearly as often. Half the time I'm naked or the villain comes on to me as I hang there or lay there, with a splitting headache, waiting for Jim to show up and gently run his hands over my bruised face and along my battered body...."

"Uh, that would be the 'comfort' portion of the scenario?"

"Mmmmm...."

"Mr. Sandburg?"

"Oh! Sorry, Doc. Doing a little 'zoning out' myself there. Yeah, that's the beginning of the comfort. Of course, it depends on the category where it ends. That Kris, she's such a tease! Backrubs, charged glances....man, somebody somewhere better do the missing scenes for that stuff before I explode! And the slash! Well, I'm trying to keep this story rated PG, so I won't go into it here."

"Too bad."

"The stories I could tell you! Hey, remind me before the session is up and I'll give you the web site address."

"Thank you."

"No problem. New fans are always welcome."

"So you're saying that these extra duties are too much, that there's not enough reward?"

"No! It's just that I want some balance, a little more rest between workouts."

"I understand. Have you seen these, Mr. Sandburg?"

"'Fairy Tales for Sentinel Fans?' 'Goldilocks'? 'Little Red Riding Hood'? 'Cinderella'? What's this all about?"

"Actually, that's 'Slenderfella'."

"I've got a step-brother?"

"It *is* fiction, Mr. Sandburg. You'll notice that you don't get hit in the head or tied up."

"This is *so* great! Hey, James even manages to get sexual tension into a G-rated story. And Jim waltzes with me! I love it when we dance. And I do look good in a tux."

"Mmmmm...."

"Hey, where's the epilogue?"

"Sorry, Mr. Sandburg. I'm afraid it's not posted yet. Beta readers, you know."

"Damn them! They get to see everything first."

"It's been 50 minutes. Shall we continue this discussion next week?"

"You know, Doc, I think I might not need another session. Seeing this gives me hope. After all, there's such a small amount of fanfic out there right now. As more gets posted it'll start to balance out. Maybe even some where *Jim* gets to spend the entire time waiting to be rescued."

"Oh, but I insist that you come back for another session. I think there's so much more we could explore...."

"Doc? Uh, Doc....why do you have a set of handcuffs on your desk? Doc?"

the end
24 January 1997