This is Q:'s interview with a company Insider. Which company? Well, the company... you know the one. This is probably not an actual insider, but only he knows for sure. Ok, ok, he's just a nutcase, but Q: interviewed him anyway.
-Lemming
Q:: Hello, Insider. Are you a real company insider?
Insider: I work for a company, yes.
Q:: Hmm, close enough, I suppose. Ready to begin?
Insider: That information is confidental. No one will ever ask you if you are ready. People who do are lying THIEVES who are trying to steal your password.
Q:: *quizzical look*
Insider: Yes, I believe that the computer mice of today will be the foot-pedals of the future!
Q:: Let's just get to the questions... Insider, what's with character level restrictions? Some of them make no sense at all! For example, on boots, why does the enchantment "of the Giant" get restricted to level 46 while "of the Titan," which adds more strength, is restricted to only level 22?
Insider: We at this gaming company do not acknowledge this as a problem, but if the problem persists, uninstall the game and then reinstall it for optimum performance.
Q:: Why are Act 2 mercenaries so useless?
Insider: Um... They reflect our gaming servers at peak times.
Q:: Why are your company's games never released on time?
Insider: Our games are always released when they are released.
Q:: Why is the expansion pack not subtitled "Baal's Balls"?
Insider: It was until somebody had to suggest it publicly. We were forced to change it so that we would not be sued even though we thought of the title for ourselves first!
Q:: Your company is obviously a fan of LemmingofGlory by using the name "Bremm" for one of the Diablo 2 monsters. As you know, "Bremm" was a term coined by LoG in winter of '99 meaning "Bread Lemming." How was it your company found out about this crazy Diablo gamer?
Insider: We at this gaming company regularly abduct gamers and force ideas out of them after making them sign special agreements to relinquish all of their spouted ideas to us.
Q:: How was it that Jarulf was chosen for a mercenary name?
Insider: We named those mercenaries a very long time ago, but one night this guy hacked into our database, saw the names, and used one as his own. Thus, the person is named after the mercenary, not the other way around.
Q:: Why is the Paladin skill "Fist of the Heavens" so useless?
Insider: Because players aren't supposed to use it.
Q:: Oh?
Insider: Yes, it was one of those space-filling skills like Whirlwind.
Q:: Whirlwind is obviously MUCH more powerful than Fist of the Heavens! Was that a mistake?
Insider: Yes. We will be changing Whirlwind in the expansion so that, instead of attacking a lot, the Barbarian hops up and down 50 times and knocks monsters, items, and dungeon furniture backwards as if he was a tornado or something.
Q:: That sounds pretty useless. Does it deal any damage at all?
Insider: It deals a little damage, but there will be a bug that allows it to do millions of damage if a Paladin is nearby, partied, and using Holy Freeze.
Q:: Ok, not gonna ask... Next, why are so many enemies capable of killing characters in a single hit?
Insider: Because they do a lot of damage.
Q:: Was the game playtested at all?
Insider: Of course it was. We have over 1.5 million playtesters.
Q:: Uh, aren't those people who bought the game?
Insider: The playtest version was released first, but the actual game is still in development.
Q:: Why do staves suck so much? Will they be fixed?
Insider: Staves suck because they don't block anything like shields do. We'll be fixing them by adding orbs.
Q:: Adding orbs just seems like giving up! Why won't you fix staves?
Insider: Because we can't give them blocking.
Q:: And you don't see any other alternative to make them a more attractive, more useful item?!
Insider: Look, if people wanted to use staves they would. They obviously don't so just leave it at that.
Q:: But people don't use staves because they lose more than they gain! Oh forget it... So what's this about "new requirements" on an expansion Stone of Jordan?
Insider: We added new requirements to them.
Q:: I already gathered that. Why did you do it?
Insider: We thought it was necessary to improve gameplay.
Q:: You mean the twinking/non-twinking issue?
Insider: No, the issue with gambling. If you're able to gamble a Stone at any level, with a minimum of 3 gambles you could have it! That's unbalancing.
Q:: I'm afraid to ask, but what's unbalancing about THAT?
Insider: With the new duping methods that are available you'll be able to dupe it into millions of Stones and trade for anything your heart desires!
Q:: What about players who just want one Stone and DON'T want to wait forever to use it?! Not everyone has the same reason for using an item, you know?
Insider: We didn't design the game for those people.
Q:: But you designed the game for the other people?
Insider: No, we designed the game for us so we could make lots of money.
Q:: So what's the point with adding character level requirements?!
Insider: They keep the trade balanced for awhile. That way early into the expansion we at the company can dupe millions of new SoJ's before anyone else and sell them on auction sites.
Q:: You do realize that others could do that too, don't you?
Insider: No... Well, damn. It's too late to make changes then.
Q:: GAAHH!!! Leave before I have a heart attack, ok?!
Insider: First let me show you a preview of the brand new Stone of Jordan...