What if I stumble?
What if I fall?
What if I lose my step
And I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue
When the walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble?
And what if I fall?
He still loves me. He told me so.
Yesterday he had someone drop off a book for me while I was at work. Pleasantly surprised, I thanked his messenger, and long after he had left, it occurred to me that I would want to remember this. So I scribbled into the front cover of the little paperback- 3-6-04 Today a stranger stopped by and gave me this book, so that if one day, I should need to pass it on to someone I loved just as much as he loves me, I would have a story to tell them.
After the years we've spent apart, talking only when I needed a favor from him, he still loves me. And there was such comfort in hearing his voice and knowing he would always love me. For the first time in so long, I truly felt loved. I felt peace. I felt joy.
I confided in him and told him how I felt. I still loved him as well. I never did stop. He was a big part of my life. For a long time, he was the only love I knew. When I went through my emotional roller coasters, he sat patiently listening to me cry and allowed me to let out all my frustration, hurting with me, knowing exactly how I felt and being the supporting shoulder for me to cry on.
He was there through my worst times, always being sympathetic, never turning me away, and always offering his words of wisdom that I often miss now that I am older and haven't spoken to him in years aside from two days ago. From time to time we'll do the spontaneous Hello! How have you been? conversations, but never anything worthwhile, and as soon as we part ways, I hardly think of him.
It brought tears to my eyes remembering all the things we went through for each other- all the things he endured for me. He sat and observed as I went from relationship to relationship after I had completely pushed him out of my life, trying to fill the void in my heart with new love, a different love, settling for any kind of love to replace his absence. He watched silently as every person I turned to successfully seduced me into their intricate web of lies, deceit and eventual heartbreak. It was all the same. Time and time again these cycles repeated, and each time I never did learn.
And when I confessed this to him, he simply said, "You're silly, Huab. I never left. I never stopped loving you. I just wanted you to be happy."
Because I feared not being loved, I had let him go. And throughout the years, no matter how much I missed him, my biggest fear was that he had already stopped loving me long ago when I left him without a word, without reason, without regrets. I just walked away and never looked back.
It felt so nice to be back in the comfort of his arms. He held me and let me cry until I couldn't cry anymore, and finally, feeling exhausted, I fell asleep.
Right before I fell into a state of unconsciousness, I heard myself say, "It's never too late. We can still be together..."
And as I was drifting off into a dreamless sleep, he whispered softly into my ear the sweet words that I longed to hear - "We will always be together... forever."
...
I hear you whispering my name
You say, "My love for you will never change...."