Smokey the Bear: The secret behind the forrest-fire-preventing-bear
An Introduction might see fit in this rant, as anyone who as not read my previous rant, "Smokey the Bear" will call me a screwed up little freak. Well, what do you know--my intro's over.
Smokey the Bear
A name that strikes fear into the hearts of woodland creatures. A name that makes the government think "those fools." A name that represents a bear takeover of earth.
Those, are primary theorys of what Smokey the Bear is really about. Those who think me a little freak, or SUP (screwed up people) will most likely be saying "Stupid little freak. He's about preventing forrest fires." And that is why I call you a freak. It takes half a mind to realize how false this ploy is. Again, I state a simple equation:
smokey = fire. fire + BEAR = FORREST FIRE
If Smokey stood for preventing fires, his hat might say "Water" or "Cool" or "My name is 'I don't like forrest fire's'" It would not be advertising them! And even if it were, the following NEWLY DISCOVERED (ie, didn't appear in my previous rant) PROOF THAT SMOKEY DOES NOT STAND FOR ANTI-FORREST FIRE'S would completely override it.
Smittologists, the leading scientific experts in Smittensland, have just discovered that humans are not as closely related to monkeys as previously thought. In fact, we might not be related to monkeys AT ALL!
Yes folks, it has been determined that one of if not THE closest relative of the human race is BEARS! And, I think we can all agree that humans are naturally lazy. That being said, it would be naturally asumed that bears are also one of nature's laziest creatures. Still don't see the evidence? Fine (stupid).
A bear eats living things, many a time a day. Therefore, as they don't have human intelligence, instead of rigging those rabbit traps with the circle on the ground, they chase their food. And, that would allow evolution to take place, and cause a bear's prey to become a tree-climbing animal. And, if you still don't see the proof, read on.
So we've already determined that bears are lazy. Therefore, they would not want to climb to catch food. And so, they would be much happier if TREES WERE BURNED DOWN AND PREY HAD NOWHERE TO GO! That being said, I end the "Why Smokey is a fraud" section.
So, one theory of Smokey's true-ness. SMOKEY THE BEAR IS A CIA AGENT. And, I shall breifly repeat previously stated proof for SUP.
Uncle Sam was a well-known propaganda tool. He had a hat, a fuzzy face, and pointed. All things Smokey does/has. Basiclly, Smokey is a future-day representation of Uncle Sam. Also, you might notice that on both the posters and the commercials, Smokey is ALWAYS pointing at you, no matter where you stand. Only the government has this type of magic. And, although it does not directly suggest that Smokey is a CIA agent, I will restate my equation, which I will end up doing many times throughout this rant. Or maybe I won't. But I probably will, because all of the line skipping makes this seem longer. But that chases away readers! Okay, I won't.
Smokey=fire Bear=Forrest Forrest+fire=forrest fire
Next theory: Smokey wants to terrify all the other animals in forrests into being his slaves. How many of you are thinking that I could not possibly have any proof for this theory? Many, I suppose. But I do.
First, he appears calm in commercials. This is to keep us from thinking him a sadistic tyrant. But we should know better! GRIZZLY bears have one of the highest kill rate a year (for bears)!
The other evidence is that if Smokey really is preventing forrest fires, which, since it supports this theory makes me not think as highly of it as others, then he must be doing it for a reason! Namely, having it as a tool. Think about it. If he stops us from lighting forrests on fire, he can threaten animals, saying he'll light thier homes on fire if they don't submit to him! If animals think at some point in time he has no control over all of their homes, they'd revolt!
The final theory I'll state now: Smokey the Bear wants to take over the world. Believe it, people.
"Mommy can I go in that room?" "No! Never!" Five minutes later, the kid is in the room.
When told not to do something, we all naturally want to do it. It's part of being a human. We can't avoid it. We posess natural curiosity of forbidden things. A trait an ingenius bear would play off.
Many things in life require a resource from a tree. Paper and wooden furniture for a start.
I'm sure this all sees like random bits of information. However, it is the evidence for the theory that I believe in the most. Smokey, being the diabolicdal genius, could realize our trait. He says "don't start forrest fires," knowing that it fills us with a curiosity to see what happens if we do burn down all the trees. Eventually, we might, if the commercials continue. And then?
Weakness. Death. This would happen to much of, if not all of, the human race. Leaving Smokey with a clear path to take over the world. Be afraid, be very afraid.
That being said, I offer a warning to all of you who aren't ignorant enough to dismiss this instantly: He knows all--beware him--he is not an innocent grizzly bear.
And now, I thank you for making it all the way through this rant. Good job. It will pay off in time.
A final word: Go now! Spread the word! Or we shall find a warped world, all because of a bear.
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