anal or oral
Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Texas Talk
A woman sitting at a restaurant in Mckinney, Tx. suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country fried steak. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and two cowboys at the next table turned to look at her . "Kin ya swaller" asked one of the cowboys. The woman signaled "No", desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asked the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head "No" With that, the first cowboy walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.
This shocked the woman into such a violant spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again. The cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his Lone Star beer. His partner said in admiration, "Ya know. I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
Penguin in California
A penguin is driving through California, when his car begins to sputter. He pulls in to the next town, and takes it to the garage.
The mechanic says to him "If you leave your car here an hour, I should have figured out what's up with it." The penguin leaves.
Wandering around the town, he finds an ice cream parlour, and California, being far removed from the snowier climes of the Artic, is beginning to make him feel a little unwell.
He goes in, and orders a nice big ice cream. However, not having hands, he can't use the spoon, so is forced to scoop his ice cream into his beak using his flippers. Unfortunately, he makes a big old mess, and is soon covered in ice cream. Despite his best efforts, he can't clean himself up. He thanks the lady, and leaves.
Back at the garage, he asks the mechanic. "So what's wrong with the car?"
"Well, son" he replies "it looks like you've blown a seal."
Looking at himself in distress, the penguin says "No, no, it's only ice cream!"
Chicken or the Egg?
A Chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
Eating dogs
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
First Blowjob
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense bartender , but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Old man vs. Punk
A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.
Shocked and furious to see her daughter's friend eating her out, she said "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!"
Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"
leapin blondes
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.
Suddenly, the officer notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."
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