YELLOW-HAIRED WOMAN
"Hey, a yellow-haired woman she'll take all your gold,
Her eyes may be warm but her heart will be cold,
And she will get fat just as soon as she's old --
Stay 'way from a yellow-haired woman!
And a raven-haired woman will burn with desire,
She'll hold you and squeeze you and kiss you like fire,
But once you are married then she'll be too tired --
Stay 'way from a raven-haired woman!
And a redheaded woman, whe'll scream and she'll roar,
She won't make the bed and she won't sweep the floor.
And once she's asleep, she will probably snore --
Stay 'way from a readheaded woman!
But a bald-headed woman, whe'll love you each day.
You can beat her and kick her, but she'll always stay.
'Cause she knows no one's coming to steal her away --
Hooray for a bald-headed woman!"
PEANUT-BUTTER SANDWICH
"I'll sing you a story of silly young king
Who played with the world at the end of a string.
But he only loved one single thing --
And that was just a peanut-butter sandwich.
His scepter wand his royal gowns,
His regal throne and golden crowns
Were brown and sticky from the mounds
And drippings from each peanut-butter sandwich.
His subjects all were silly fools
For he had passed a royal rule
That all that they could learn in school
Was how to make a peanut-butter sandwich.
He would not eat his sovereign steak,
He scorned his soup and kingly cake,
And told his courtly cook to bake
An extra-sticky peanut-butter sandwich.
And then one day he took a bite
And started chewing with delight,
But found his mouth was stuck quite tight
From that last bite of peanut-butter sandwich.
His brother pulled, his sister pried,
The wizard pushed, his mother cried,
"My boy's committed suicide
From eating his last peanut-butter sandwich!"
The dentist came, and the royal doc.
The royal plumber banged and knocked,
But still those jaws stayed tightly locked.
Oh darn that sticky peanut-butter sandwich!
The carpenter, he tried with pliers,
The telephone man tried with wires,
The firemen, they tried with fire,
But couldn't melt that peanut-butter sandwich.
With ropes and pulleys, drills and coil,
With steam and lubricating oil --
For twenty years of tears and toil --
They fought that awful peanut-butter sandwich.
Then all his royal subjects came.
They hooked his jaws with grapplin' chains
And pulled both ways with might and main
Against that stubborn peanut-butter sandwich.
Each man and woman, girl and boy
Put down their ploughs and pots and toys
And pulled until kerack! Oh, joy --
They broke right through that peanut-butter sandwich.
A puff of dust, a screech, a squeak --
The kin's jaw opened with a creak.
And then in voice so faint and weak --
The first words that they heard him speak
Were, "How about a peanut-butter sandwich?"
THE UGLIEST MAN IN TOWN
"Handsome guys get girls that are pretty,
Other guys make it 'cause they're clever and witty,
But the only love I ever got, I got out of pity,
'Cause I'm the ugliest guy in town.
Yeah, I drive down the road in a platinum car,
Use hundred dollar bills when I light my cigar,
But still an' all, you know, that won't get you very far
When you're the ugliest man in town.
There was a note on the doorstep where I was found,
Is said, "This sweet child weighs eleven pounds,
So bring him up healthy and welthy and sound,
Keep his back to the light, don't let him turn around.
Yeah, all you women, you're heartless and cold.
All you want is my silver and gold.
Say now, don't you know I've got a beautiful soul,
Though I'm the ugliest man in town?
Yeah, I'm so ugly, I shave in the dark,
Kids start to cry when I walk through the park,
Clocks stop tickin' and dogs start to bark
Whenever I come around.
Yeah, I walk down the street and the girls all hiss me,
If I died tomorrow, not one of them would miss me.
Only reason they ball me is they can't stand to kiss me.
I'm the ugliest man in town.
Oh, yeah.. the ugliest man in town."
| By James Anothony Savage |
Glad I'm a man
"I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off yogurt, diet Coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts,
And I can get where I want to - North, South, East, or West.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink, I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
In everything shiny and from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
And when you ask why, I don't get bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing -
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends, or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think that every guy out there is trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is, and I know what to do.
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball -
It's more fun than dealing with women, after all...
I won't cry if you figure it's not going to work,
And I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure...
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days,
And I'm glad my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance, and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!"
|