things that are not sports
Hockey- comes to mind People think hockey is a sport. Its not hockey is three activities taking place at the same time: Ice skating fooling around with a puck and beating the shit out of somebody. If these guys had more brains than teeth they'd do these things one at a time. First you go ice skating then you fool around with a puck then you go to a bar and beat the shit outta someone. The day would last longer, and these guys would have a whole lot more fun. Another reason hockey is not a sport is that it's not player with a ball. Anything not played with a ball is not a sport. These are my rules, I make them up.
Soccer- Soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms. Anything where you can't use your arms cant be a sport. Tap dancing is not a sport. I rest my case.
Running- People think running is a sport. Running isnt a sport because anybody can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport, I can run, you can run. For christsakes, my mother can run! you don't see her on the cover of sports illustrated do you?
Swimming- swimming isnt a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning thats just common sense.
Sailing- isnt a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding the bus isnt a sport why the fuck should sailing be a sport.
Boxing- isnt a sport either. Boxing is a wayu to beat the shit out of somebody in that respect boxing is actually a more sophisticated form of hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating teh shit out of somebody is not a sport. When police brutality becomes an olympic event fine then boxing can be a sport.
Bowling- bowling isnt a sport because you have to rent the shoes, dont forget these are my rules.
Billiards- Some people think billards is a sport but it cant be because theres no chance for serious injujry. Unless of course you welch on a bet in a tough neighborhood then if you wind p with a pool cut stickin' our of your ass you know you might just be the victim of a sports related injury but that aint billards thats pool and that starts with a p and that rhymes with d and that brings me to darts.
Darts- (in case you didnt guess that was next) could have been a sport because at least theres a chance to put someones eye out but alas darts will never be a sport because the whole object of the game is to reach zero which goes against all sports logic.
Lacrosse- is not a sport lacross is a fagooty college activity i dont care how rough it isanytime you're running around a field waving a stick with a little net on the end of it your engaged in a faggoty college activity period!
field hockey and fencing- same thing faggoty college shit also these activities arent sport because you can't gamble on them anything you cant gamble on cant be a sport when was the last tiem you made a fuckin fencing bet?
Gymnastics- is not a sport because romanians are good at it. It took me a long time to come up with that rule but goddammit i did it!
Polo- Isnt a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. Without the holes. its a great concept but its not a sport. AS far as water polo is concerned i hesitate to even mention it because its extremely cruel to the horses.
Hunting- You think hunting is a sport? ask the deer. The only good thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends and of course the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such accidents.
Tennis- Tennis is a very trendy and very fruity but its not a sport. its just a way to meet other trendy fruits. Technically tennis is an advanced form of ping pong in fact tennis is ping pong played why standing on the table great concept but is not a sport.
Volleyball- in fact is all racket games are nothing more than derivatives of ping pong. Volleyball is technically racketless team ping pong played with an inflated ball and a raised net while standing on the table.
Golf- for my full take on golf i refer you elsewhere in the book but let it just be said golf is a game that might possible be fun if it could be played alone but its the vacuous striving superficial male bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it such a repulsive pastime and it is decidely not a sport. period
"No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning"
"What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?"
"Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?"
"Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool"
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live"
"Most people with low self esteems have earned it."
"when someone asks you what time it is, glance at your watch and say "it's either six-fifteen or mickey has a hard-on." Guaranteed they'll ask somebody else"
"everywhere you look there are families with too many vehicles. You see them on the highwaysin their RV's. But apparently the RVs aren't enough because behind them they're towing motorboats, go-carts, dune buggies, dirtbikes, jet-skis, snowmobiles, parasails, hang gliders, hot air baloons, and small two-man deep sea diving bells. The only thing these people lack is a lunar excursion modules. Doesn't anybody take a fuckin' walk anymore"
"Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
"I dont understand why prostituion is illeagal, fucking is leagal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking? Why should it be illegal to sell somethin thats legal to give away? I can't follow the logic. Of all the things you can do to a person giving them an orgasm is hardly the worst. In the army they give you a medal for killing people; in civilian life you go to jail for giving them orgasms. Am i missing something?"
"I was thinking the other day that they ought to make those handicapped ramps a little steeper and put a few curves in them too. I could use some laughs.
"People ask me if i have an e-mail address, and I say "www.fuckyou.com@blowme/upyourass." and they seem to understand."
"Just once i'd like to see a high-speed funeral procession. A herse, some flower cars, and a bunch of imousines tearin' ass through town at 70 miles per hour, on their way to the cemetary. Maybe someday a race-car driver will put that in his will."
"you never see a old midget, apparently their lifespan must be short too."
"You know what i never liked? the high-five. I consider it lame white-boy shit. When a guy raises his arm to give me a high five, you know what i do? Stab him in the arm. I'm tired of that shit. Sometimes I watch old sports film on ESPN Classic, and i see a whole game without a single high-five. It's great."
"In someone else's house I sit on a warm toilet seat after seeing another person leave the bathroom, If the person was a man I'm not too quite comfortable. But if it was a woman i feel just fine. Unless it was a really fat or old woman. Then if feels kind of creepy."
"Next guy who says to me, "Badda-boom, badda-bing," is gettin' kicked right in the fuckin' nuts."
"I often think of somethin my grandfather used to say. He'd tell me, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandma." He was a really honest man. He wasn't going to bullshit a five-year-old."
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"Gazing through the window at the world outside
Wondering will mother earth survive Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her, sometimes"
"You made a promise of protection To a future after life To the final resurrection Until eternal paradise But then I'm blinded by temptation
Into every mortal sin Is it God that sits there waiting Or will the darkness suck me in?"
"I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find I can't see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry Happiness I cannot feel so love to me is so unreal"
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"I just thought of something funny...your mother."
--Cheech Marin
"Hell is bound to eat the soul of society and fuck the innocent into oblivin" -Ryan and Aaron
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
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