Moist trails of pleasure in spiralling and wet pockets of saliva on his skin. Everywhere, slicked with fluid and slippery from his hands. The feathery touch fingertip, warm hands on his legs, creeping up, gathering in intensity and edging closer. He groaned in his sleep and shook his head, bending back into his soft pillow. He touched the head of whoever, faceless and licking his groin. He held up his hands imbrued in blood.
Kaoru shuddered and woke with a gasp. He couldn’t remember where he was, or what he was supposed to be doing. His mouth tasted salty; it seems he’d bitten his tongue. He was slumped over in Toshiya’s bed, the covers twisted around his body. He grimaced in disgust at the wet dream. He needed a change of clothing immediately; he orgasmed in someone else’s bed – how embarrassing.
‘Oh great, wet dreams. Like a teenager. Just great.’
He ripped the blanket up and rolled over. The pillow next to his was bereft of a head. He shrugged and went into the bathroom to change. He stole a pair of Toshiya’s shorts; he wouldn’t mind. It was silk, strangely sensual liquid fabric of silk. He changed and went back to bed. It was dark but he could tell there wasn’t another body lying on the oversized mattress.
He looked around the blue dimness.
+
A meeting was scheduled with some suits about the finer details of an upcoming tour. It was the usual scene. Shinya sat silently and stoically, dreadfully bored and giving off the body signals erratically but hanging on any way; he was polite in that way. I stifled a yawn and just stared listlessly at the blank sheet in front of me.
Kyo, half-asleep in his chair, head down and though his eyes were focused on the sheet in front of him, I could tell that he wasn’t paying attention; I can’t blame him for not trying. I held in my laughs when I heard little light snores. I heard a little hum on my side, and I turned to look at Toshiya.
His eyes were closed, and the sheets sat untouched in front of him. He was wired up, with headphones on and humming to himself; he can be extremely tactless at times; at least Shinya and Kyo pretended to be paying attention. I suppose Die was worse; he didn’t show up.
I don’t think anyone listened to a word that slithered out of the mouths of the powers-that-are. I wasn’t very interested either; I didn’t know the purpose of this meeting; we knew the details already and we were fine with the arrangements. I was more interested in spiking my hair than the garbage they were sprouting like revelation.
Toshiya stood up and stretched, “So sorry, but I need to go to the toilet.”
Kyo stood up and followed, “Me too. Excuse us.”
There were only two of us now. Five minutes passed and they didn’t come back. I was highly suspicious of the toilet excuse. I excused myself and went in search of them. I felt sorry for Shinya, leaving him there, but what use was the meeting if none of us were present?
I found them smoking in the toilet.
“That took you long enough. Where’s Shinya?”
“He’s still at the meeting.”
“Are you crazy? Are you so dense as to not realise that we are trying to get everyone out of the bloody meeting? Do you want to drive him crazy?”
+
Kaoru excused himself and walked out the door. Twelve pairs of eyes simultaneously trained themselves on the last band member present. He nodded nervously.
“Shall we continue?” he lied.
+
“Shinya can’t go crazy. He’s a Pisces, he’s probably daydreaming right now.”
“What is that? The western horoscope? I don’t know them that well.”
“Look, Kaoru, the meeting is boring and there’s no way you can make me sit down there, and he agrees with me, so how much longer is it on for?”
“It’s scheduled for the whole day.”
“The whole fucking day! Are you insane?”
“I didn’t schedule it.”
“Yeah, but did you have to be so stupid as to agree?”
“That’s it, I, Kyo, am taking charge of this bloody meeting. Hara, go to the costume room and bring the whole rack. Get the quick makeup kits. I’ll call the makeup people.”
Kyo whipped out his phone and started dialling madly. He strolled out of the toilet glued to his cell.
“What are you guys doing?” I asked.
“It’s a mystery.”
And I was intrigued by it all.
Toshiya arrived minutes later in the meeting room and jumped up on the table, dancing on the balls of his feet as he grinned. He dragged a speaker up with it’s own microphone.
“So sorry, Misters but Dir en Grey is committing mutiny. Don’t worry, it’s just for the afternoon and we don’t have guns or anything; just bubble gum and hairspray so you should be safe. We’re not going to pour blood on you so there’s no need to take off your jackets, okay. May I remind you that we are chain-smokers and we all have lights.”
Shinya stood up, “Hey! I don’t share your dirty habits!”
Toshiya shrugged, “Okay, okay, so you’re an exception, Terachi. Jeez, I’m socially incorrect for one tiny detail and you’re all over me.”
He picked up a can of hairspray and flicked on his lighter. Fire ball out.
“See, that was my point, so do be careful anyway, eh?” he smiled sweetly. “Oh, and I’ve disengaged the fire alarms . . . he he . . . and the walls are sound proof so . . . remember, no one can hear you scream.”
Kyo gave a round of applause and grinned manically. The meeting room was in chaos now, with racks of clothing in one corner, a makeshift dressing cubicle and makeup cases scattered everywhere. Toshiya bowed.
+
Toshiya haunted the quiet room with little books tucked neatly within the sleeves of his clothes, in the nooks and crannies of his draping attire, scattered over the floor. Him with his tiny flashlight, hidden within the voluptuous folds of his nightgown.
Curious and strangely calm, he sat at a small rounded table with a small book; he sipped tomato juice from a crystal glass and nipped at the skin of his finger tips. I could see he wasn’t here; he was in another world, found between the dry leaves of paper bound by glue and string.
I pressed my back to the wall and stared at the ceiling. The clock said 5 AM. I wondered how long he’s been awake; he mystifies me. He was supposed to be fire; instead, he was cold steam.
“What are you doing awake?” he whispered.
His eyes trained on me, fixed on me.
“You weren’t in bed, and I didn’t know where you were, so I thought . . .”
“It’s okay. I’m coming back now.”
He stood and moved so fluidly across the darkness of the room. It was simple; I really did like him, perhaps I was even in love with him. I didn’t touch him once, lest my fingers run right through his chest. I’d love to do that though, dip my hand in and steal his blood’s red rose.
“I like you a lot.” I whispered.
He was already asleep.
+
The meeting room in pandemonium and sudden light.
“This is our beloved diva Kyo in no. 37 white frilly shirt and black pants. There is lots of other variations, such as with vomit, with blood, with organs, with scars, with burns or just as you see it, plain.”
Kyo did a little circle.
“The black pants are made out of a special flammable material, with a special padding underneath so we can set our diabolic martyr Kyo alight on stage. Isn’t that fantastic? Yes, any pyromaniac will be delighted with it.”
Somehow I couldn’t reconcile the image of a dressy Toshiya, bubbling and bouncy whilst doing a running commentary on blood and gore. Toshiya was chirping like a bird, at the speed of a rocket and with the liveliness of firecrackers in the New Year. Kyo pranced around on the long table, asking if anyone would like to see his scars.
The afternoon passed in a whirlwind of colour; spellbinding and odd. Toshiya made us all posed in our costumes for the suits and took Polaroids. Polaroids of each other, by our selves, with everyone, with someone else, with the suits. We danced on the table, jumped up and down and twirled; the suits accepted the shaking table with good grace.
I was surprised the alarm hasn’t gone for an earthquake warning; I hear that buildings in Tokyo are a lot more rubbery and tend to swing rather than crumble. Toshiya was particularly happy to be stomping on the long meeting table with his combat boots; it’s not everyday you get to be an anarchist and legally destroy property. He was like a child playing frog in the mud on a rainy afternoon.
“Anarchy.” He said, “It’s what I wish for everyone in the New Year, you know.”
Kyo couldn’t stay away from the microphone for long; he sang, vomited and screamed. It gave more impact, he smirked, a real simulation of our concerts. Ouch, my ears sting, I thought. I wondered where the food was; surely Toshiya wouldn’t forget about the food. There was a knock at the door.
“Oh, everyone! The food is here! Take a pick, I’m sure you’ll find something interesting.”
Toshiya and food; not that he was obsessed with eating, just tasting; I’m the one who eats and drinks whatever. It’s fixed in an equation in my mind now, and I was getting used to it, just like I got used to Kyo. Kyo/Toru and blood quirks. Die and quirky quirks. Shinya and moody quirks. Toshiya and food quirks. Me and . . . I really don’t know.
“The pictures,” one of the suits said, “They’re good publicity; shows your youth, creativity and spirit even in the business side of the industry. You should give the Polaroids into a magazine; they will a good accompaniment for an article. We’ll devise something; we’ll be calling.”
We are people, sir, not a product to be consumed so coldly.
I poked the man’s eye out with a shrimp fork.
Toshiya leaned back on the railing and grinned, “What did you bring for protection, Kyo? Not the shrimp fork I hope.”
I watched Kyo take out the fork. Everyone laughed and we headed downstairs. Dinner.
+
“Toshiya, you wouldn’t believe who I met today!”
“Who?”
“Akiko!”
“Really? What’s she doing now?”
“The same thing.”
“She’s still working in the hospital, huh? How’s her sex life?”
“She’s still in the club, shagging away.” Drag on cigarette, “You know Toshiya, I don’t ever understand why you just left the group. I still drop by sometimes.”
“Sex got boring, Kyo. It . . . was nice for a while Kyo, but it got old and in the end, I just couldn’t handle it anymore.” Drag on cigarette, “Didn’t your parents ever suspect?”
“Hell yes! But my lies are brilliant, aren’t they?”
Dry: “Too brilliant.”
“And you? Your parents ever thought anything about you disappearing?”
“Not really . . .”
“Even when you went off with that guy for, like what? A week or so?”
“I told them I had been working and I showed them the money.”
“Money? He gave you money? Um, Toshiya, it’s all fine and dandy for us to dabble in sexual experimentation and all, but money . . . isn’t . . . isn’t that illegal?”
“Well . . . no it wasn’t like . . . that. You know the mess he was in with his wife going after the other guy, right? He took me on a holiday, and then his wife finally called. He threatened to divorce her and she decided to dump her other boyfriend. So, he got his wife back and that was the end of our little interlude. It wasn’t planned or anything, but when he was leaving, he gave me an envelop . . . and, well it had 500, 000 yen in it.”
“You lucky bastard!”
“Yeah . . . well, he was pretty loaded. Nice guy, and we just sorta hanged more than anything else.”
Kyo sighed, “I miss sex sort of . . . guess it’s too risky now being in Dir en Grey and all. Sometimes . . . I wonder if I could go back to my old life . . . you know . . . the wild parties.”
“Don’t think about it, Kyo. You’ll get sick; you were ill last time you went on a spree.”
“I know, I know. Do you ever think about what other’s would say? I mean, are we being . . . well . . .?”
“No. It’s your body and don’t let people make you feel guilty about it. But I don’t want that life anymore, Kyo, I don’t want to be in that group; do you remember how we just used the new ones who came looking for fun and then just spat them out? ”
“Yeah . . .”
“I don’t wanna look for the answers in sex anymore, Kyo.”
Kyo laughed, “God, it was so shocking to first time to realise someone was licking my knee and you were it. Of course, I nearly came when I realised.”
Toshiya grinned, “You were like ‘FUCK! TOSHIYA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?! NOOOOOOOO!!!! DON’T TOUCH ME THERE! ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE LEGAL?!!’ The expression on your face was priceless; I still have the Polaroid.”
“Yeah, well I still have the Polaroids of you at those ‘parties’.”
“Are you blackmailing me?”
“Your nudist history in pictures in return for my ‘priceless’ expression. I mean, if you don’t wanna trade with me, I could always ring the rest of them and spill.” Wicked grin.
“The same way I could spill about you.”
“Yeah, but I have photo proof. Exhibit A: Toshiya tied up. Exhibit B: Toshiya drunk and -.”
“Okay! Okay! I get your point! Fine, I agree. Swap next time okay?”
“Deal.”
“Shake on it.”
+
Plucking till his fingers fell off and screaming from a raw mouth. He loved every second of it, the sublime mindlessness of the whole situation. He loved jumping up and down, he loved jarring his ankles and sinking down on the floor totally drained. He loved the hyperactive feel. It made him feel invincible, flying and that everything was dainty and swift.
The rhythm was quick and the beats faster and faster yet steady to rhythm. Rhythm and magic flying and colliding together like glittering watery fire exploding right there in front of him. Sometimes, they slowed down for a second, but then the movements picked up again. He wondered if he could ever express this exhilaration. He was lonely in his exhilaration.
He took off his costume and sat down. Everything was running down, melting like honey.
+
“Good morning.”
I nodded and yawned, hand over mouth. “Yeah, um, hi morning to you too though I’m not sure if it’s good.”
He chuckled, this dry and throaty sound that made me want to go crazy over him. He flipped the egg and continued cooking. I sat down and watched him play in my kitchen, moving in and out of it with ease. He was professional bachelor, I could tell; only they knew how to cook, do the housework and still manage to look so cool. Wasn’t it just convenient that he was a blood-type A?
“We should get married.”
“WHAT?” He whipped around.
He stared at me. I giggled as the egg he’d been flipping so expertly fell on the counter next to the stove. He looked at it with a pained expression and picked it up, dumping it back into the pan. He blew on his scorched fingers. I gave him my wet face towel and watched him pat his burns with it.
“Look what you made me do.”
“I just talked to you, that’s all.” I stretched and grinned, “What’s wrong with that?”
“No.”
“No what?”
“We shouldn’t get ‘married’.”
“Hey, it was just a suggestion. I mean, you don’t know how to be silly, you don’t know how to sleep properly, you don’t get laid enough and you haven’t got anyone to mess up the house so you can clean it up. I can do all that; I’m an avid if not obsessed sleeper and I’ll teach you, I can be your sex slave and you can clean up after me. See? Works.”
“Ri~ight.” He grinned, and set out a plate in front of me. “Eggs?”
“Thanks. Tomato juice?” I held up a cup.
“Get it yourself, you lazy thing.”
“Hey, I thought I was getting room service today for being so kind to you on the weekend?”
“Fat chance. You have legs, use them.” He plopped down on a chair and started eating.
I got myself tomato juice and peeked at him from behind the fridge door. Sitting at my breakfast table eating in little bits, cutting up the egg cleanly and taking small sips of his tea. I poured myself some juice and sat down. I dabbled with my food, pushing it here and there and mashing it up. I couldn’t hear him eating so I looked up.
He stared at my plate, “It’s food, Toshiya, don’t play with it.”
I grinned, “It’s my food, I think I can do whatever I want with it.”
“I think I’m going to have to force-feed you.” He held up his spoon.
“You try and you’re a dead man.”
He shrugged and smirked, “I’m here in your apartment, the lair of the Hydra, of course I’m a dead man, and so before I actually die, at least I’ll have the pleasure of making you do whatever I tell you.”
He held out his spoonful of my mashed eggs and co. “Open.”
I considered my choices. I could accept and eat; no big fuss, a little indignity, full stomach and out of here. I could refuse and not eat; big fuss, with dignity intact, but maybe a few broken ribs, a carpet burn or two, an empty stomach. I knew Kaoru; this was the guy who chased me with my own bat hoping to score a hit. I opened my mouth and swallowed. The piece of stainless steel felt strange.
“Good girl.”
“That was derogatory!” I mumbled with a full mouth. “My aunty would kill you; she’s like this bra-burning feminist.”
Kaoru smiled, “Sorry, but you’re not female so it’s excused. Could’ve said ‘good boy’ but that felt old. Felt like saying ‘good person’ but it just didn’t have that ring to it.”
“Good ‘person’?”
“I like androgynous things.”
“I know.”
+
It has been three days and two nights since I’ve stood in front of my door. I don’t quite know what to do when I’m standing here, because I know what’s on the side yet I’m still afraid of it. I’m afraid that I’ll find the empty spaces too big, too vast and wide for my spirit to fill.
It’s full of everything I’ve accumulated; the media, the guitar, my computer, tables, chairs, spoons, cups, bed, vase, photos, couch, CDs upon CDs upon LDs upon DVDs and onwards. They were empty and held no meaning; I sat down alone and watched. I liked watching the band squabbling more than any movie.
I liked it better when Die and Kyo showed up drunk as they do; the spaces were filled easily with other hearts beating at once. The pleasant and unexpectedness of Toshiya’s sudden movements and strange thoughts was missed. Even the silence of Shinya’s company was better than this.
I missed the crazy, action-packed and somehow hazy weekend; the drunkenness, the strange bonds, the words said; the sight, the taste, the sound, the touch, the smell of everything and Toshiya’s mysterious rooms littered with books and plants. I stood there with my key in the slot, unturned, filled with disquiet. I suddenly wanted to run back downstairs, jump in the car and just drive to Toshiya’s. But I didn’t want to seem pathetic or clinging or desperate.
‘Kaoru, why didn’t we go with Kyo and Toshiya’s idea of a meeting before?’
‘Yes, it’s a lot more entertaining, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, and we’re going to do it again next time, aren’t we, Kyo?’
‘Bet your life on it! I’m never going back to a boring meeting after this.’
‘Toshiya and I are going to feed Shinya. What are you going to do? Wanna come?’
‘He’s coming with me, aren’t you?’
Kyo pinned a safety pin to my shoulder.
‘Okay, then see you later.’
Dinner at Toru’s place; Kyo, the sleeper, is Toru, the everyday person. Silent and predictable, the TV humming in the background. The city below him, like an intricate maze or complex futuristic city model. He lived high up, where it was quiet; he never joked about how much he loved sleeping.
‘Are you okay these days?’
‘I’m fine. Just doing miscellaneous things besides the practice.’
‘Are you sleeping well? You seem really tired sometimes.’
‘I’m not sleeping that well.’
‘Um . . . you should see a doctor.’
A doctor? And what kind of a doctor would that be? Doctor for the body, doctor for the mind or doctor for the spirit? Western or traditional? Internal or external? Specialist or general? Any specific area? What will they do for me?
‘This is nice. What is it?’
‘I don’t know. It looked nice so I just bought it. Would you like some biscuits?’
‘Yes please. I see you’ve bought the maple leaf biscuits.’
‘It’s autumn, Kaoru, kozue no aki is what you eat, may you be scorpion, rat or snake.’
‘And you’re a scorpion, let me guess?’
‘No. I’m a dead person.’
‘How profound. Shall I light a boat for you at next year’s O-Bon?’
‘Yes, that will be appreciated. I’ll light one for you too.’
‘I’m not dead and I don’t plan on dying.’
‘You will be.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Don’t play coy with me Kaoru. Toshiya’s going to kill you, don’t you know? The last one went away dying of cancer; did you know she was completely shattered and they weren’t even fucking? If you lay yourself down, he’ll just step right over you.’
‘. . . he wouldn’t do that . . .’
‘He would . . . he’s done it before. The last one became dependent and he cut her like a dead weight.’
‘You don’t understand, I’ve known him for a long time, since he was a child.’
‘What? How -? Okay, I’m getting the impression that I’m missing something big now. Time out. You knew him as a child?’
‘I met him when I was senior and he was still junior.’
‘Excuse me? On second thoughts, I don’t want to know.’
‘No, I want you to know.’
‘Oh, I’m gonna enjoy this. I can so tell.’
‘Stop being so sarcastic. We met each other one winter holiday, after the New Year festival.’
‘I’m waiting for the punch line, Kaoru, get to it.’
‘I can’t rush it; I’m attached.’
‘Oh, I don’t believe this! You’re ‘attached’ to the memory of meeting Toshiya as a fucking junior?!’
‘What can I say? It was . . . nice.’
‘Just get on with it.’
‘Okay. Well, let’s say their nicknames are K and R . . .’
‘I feel like I’m getting the picture . . . it’s not fuzzy is it?’
‘There’s nothing tickly about it, I assure you.’
‘Continue.’
‘We talked about strange things, about life and just . . . weird stuff all around, like food and how much we eat, music and problems we had with our family . . . one of the strangest things he said was he liked fruit, he asked if I was a fruit because he liked me . . .’
‘It sounds bad . . .’
‘What? What sounds bad?’
‘This is even worse than the last one! Toshiya is a little psychological trap! I can’t believe it! Another trip down memory lane!’
‘What? I’m not getting you here.’
‘I shouldn’t say anything, but . . . Toshiya has this habit of picking up on things he remembers, has impressions of, like with the last one; she was a childhood friend and was basically his babysitter, like a mother-figure. And you . . . hell, who knows what twisted role he’s given you.’
‘Kyo, it’s all just bullshit.’
‘But is it? I mean, Toshiya’s like this perky happy-go-lucky type but do you know how god-awful he is when he’s in one of those fucked moods of his? I mean, he bawls his eyes out over fucking nothing because he feels like it! I lived with him, I know what he’s like.’
‘So he goes a little overemotional sometimes, what’s wrong with it?’
‘It’s not normal!’
‘Kyo, who are you?’
‘Yes, but I’m normal!’
I turned around and decided to go to Shinjuku. I had a feeling Toshiya was there too. I didn’t care about Kyo’s warning, because I knew instinctively I would be fine. In times like this, I feel like I’m at the bottom of the ocean look up at the sun, readying to shoot up right out into the air. Perhaps I have a masochistic streak I haven’t satisfied yet, I don’t know.
Invisible Shinya sitting in the backseat of the taxi, “He needs to know the difference between a cradle and a cage, to understand what is a prison. It’s sorta interesting, isn’t it?”
I nodded, “Very.”
Invisible Die rubbing his chin next to Shinya, “Reminds me of Kyo’s lyrics for Cage; always wondered about that.”
‘What’s your history with Toshiya?’
Kyo smiled, ‘You mean besides sharing an apartment?’
‘Yeah . . . I walk past sometimes and hear you guys saying things.’
‘You’re gonna have to hear the story from him; pretty wild.’
‘Like what?’
‘Um . . . I really can’t tell you; you’ll just have to see.’ Kyo opened the door for him, ‘I just have one piece of advice; don’t do anything rash – I don’t know how, but Toshiya has this personality that makes you change, go insane and become a different person suddenly without you even realising it. He makes you . . . I don’t know, he just changes people when he’s around them.’
‘You make it sound like he has Borderline Disorder.’
‘What the fuck is that?’
‘A person that has some trauma of sorts, and continually acts out certain important relationships in their life, relating to everyone the way they related to the people in these specific relationships. They go through their life acting out basic patterns in their relationships, and they can’t get out of it. The people they target end up reacting the way they’re meant according to their needling.’
‘Sounds like Toshiya.’
‘Kyo, that’s a psychological disease.’
‘Who says he isn’t sick? Kaoru, no one was ever sick before a diagnosis was invented; there was something wrong with them, but they weren’t sick.’
Arna.