by fuXion

Specially for Mi-chan, VanillaMint, Miss J, arna…

I’m like an addict coming to you, wanting for more.

"Kaoru, are you free tonight?" Toshiya asked with his ever-innocent voice. "I think so," Kaoru replied in his usual solemn tone. Toshiya grabbed his arm and headed for the pub.

I’ve been dying to feel you by my side, trying to see you mind.

Toshiya flirted with guys that come to him. After all, he is quite a pretty piece of flesh. Kaoru merely took a glance at his actions. Did he feel anything? He let them touch him; all he wants was his attention. He hates them but he needs something, someone else.

The velvet night ended just like that. Even with the watching stars, nothing happened. "When will he notice!?" The voice in Toshiya screamed. He headed home, with everything he needs to die. So many reason out there. "Maybe, maybe he wouldn’t thought much about my death either," Toshiya sigh.

Lost in confusion. Reasons? Never lead to solutions. Problem? The addiction.

I’ll feel pain for you, twist the knife and slice my heart for you.

He wants everything Kaoru wants. He would do anything to please him, anything.

He stayed back at the studio, just to finish his new piece. Just for Kaoru. Finally done, he took the route home. He ignored the barking group behind him. He badly needed his sleep but he got pulled back by one of them. He didn’t care what they said. He shoved their arms away, trying to get away. He didn’t want to care about them. He purely wants that particular somebody. One of them pinned him down and plunges into him. "For Kaoru?" He bitterly cried.

It’s just the shell…

Pretend to love me. You can fool me if you want.

Toshiya lay under the white ceiling of the hospital bed. Normal routines of the hospital took place. Nothing unusual. He hates the world. "Why is everything so mean?" He questioned.

Kaoru got to know about the incident, expected. To Toshiya, he held the attitude of "you brought it upon yourself". "He still don’t care!" That voice continued to scream in Toshiya, making his insides folded and crushed. "I need you!" The voice went on. In this pretentious world, can’t a lie just be told?

See your face every time I’m walking. Hear your voice every time I’m talking.

Can anything be forgotten? Still, it did happen before.

Everything swings in the way they want to. Nothing can be stopped. Everything that flows in Toshiya’s mind is still Kaoru. Images and voices. Nothing can be cured now. "After all, I’m addicted to the bone," The excuse floated up in Toshiya’s mind. "Next practice."

I’ll beg for you to be part of you, to be close to you.

Toshiya desperately pondered. He did not want any dislikes to be sprung up.

He took a step, merely inches away from the back of Kaoru. Hugs, do they really mean something? Love? What a stupid word to use. "I’ll hold you tight, never wanting you to go. Kiss me and tell me you love me too," Toshiya never told him them, mere whispers in his mind. Childish thinking he might have, dreams and fantasies being created. But he knows what he wants.

I’ll kill and steal, crawl on hands and knees until you see.

His actions continued. He did not respond. What does it mean? Confusion? Disgust?

Kaoru finally pulled away from Toshiya. "I won’t like this," Kaoru spit in out in a serious manner. Is that his answer? He left the room, left Toshiya, alone.

I believe in you.

"Should I cry?" Toshiya asked. Sitting in his most pathetic posture.

"Tears wash away my pain. For you?" Toshiya’s tears began to fell off his eyes. Streaming down the cheeks they went. But he would never know about this. How would he? Is it worthy?

Kaoru was waiting for him to walk out of the studio. "He needed to go home still right?" He asked mentally. A couple of hours of waiting, no shadows of Toshiya could be seen. "Not that I don’t like or hated you. But, I don’t want such things to get into the band," Kaoru sigh. "Having your presence around is good enough." His actions simply contradict. But entering the place again might have a different answer.

I will die for you.

Toshiya sat at the place Kaoru would always do. Dreaming of his presence, visualizing him, creating fantasies of them together.

He fished out a blade from his bag. You might want to call this preparation? At a slow pace, he cut the skin across his wrist. "You never liked me, I shouldn’t have started this all along," Toshiya calmly told his imagination. "I’ll step out but I’ll never go away."

Kaoru never stopped liking Toshiya before. Maybe since the first day they’ve met, who will know? Admiration throughout? But Toshiya never saw. Pity? Late? Maybe…

You’re just like me.

"Toshiya!!" Kaoru held on to that unmoving body.