He is just in the next room. I could have been a very good friend to him but we never talked more than ten words per day. I can say per week too. We had stayed in this for more than a year now. Such behavior is irritating me actually. The physical distance is so near. But I am glad I could see him everyday. I believe I am the only one who had seen all of his expressions.

"Ohayo, Kaoru-san," I said cheerfully to him. "Ohayo. Bye." he said in a dull manner. "One, two," I mentally counted. He just grabbed a bottle of milk and went out, shutting the door behind him. This is the usual routine. But, still, my heart sank every time at this moment. I did not want him to talk to me only when I asked him something. Initiative? I begged for that.

I often helped him clean his room. A person like that never knew how to take care of himself. I know I might not be worthy enough to take full care of him. But I can help him a bit. Can’t I? The smell of his room gave me the thought of his presence. The strong smell of cigarettes. I went through his trash bag. What he threw away, simply gave me the idea what he might had done. I wanted to know everything of him. But, he never let me.

His bedsheets changed, curtains washed, laundry done and room neatly packed. Did he ever notice? To me, he never did. Never did he thank me, smile at me. He just comes home late at night and shuts himself in the room. Never bothered with my existence. I can’t stand it. Can’t he just take a glance at me? Yet, I can’t bring myself to hate him, hate his behavior. Then again, I am just a nobody to him; I don’t understand him a bit. What reason is there to hate him for?

I got fired from my job, again. I got so used to it already. I am such a slacker. Again, I shall visit that pub. I sat at the second table from the bar. It was where Kaoru always sits. Maybe he’s lazy or consistent; he never changes his seat. I sat there. I felt as if I he was there. Dreaming about him. Chained smoke. Alcohol. Making myself high and messy in the mind. I could imagine him like this better. I love this fantasy of mine. Only it really could happen.

Every time I woke up from the fantasy, I kind of regret it. Firstly, I realized it wasn’t real. Secondly, I would suffer from a hang over. Damn. It hurts. How I wished Kaoru would be around to hug me, comfort me. I’m longing to be in his arms. Why am I so shameless? I’m not the kind for him.

The second time in the week I got drunk. I’ve been very unlucky this week. I just want to drown my senses. I got much too complicated feelings this week. I am a simple-minded person, I can’t take it. I guessed I got too drunk. I walked unsteadily over to the jukebox and got carried away. The music got me lost in my world. Dreamily, I had my face pinned on the jukebox and felt the surrounding air.

I staggered my way home. To my relieve, I’m finally at the doorstep. I can’t seem to place the key into the keyhole. My mind was in a mess. In my blurred view, I saw a hand gentle pull my hand away and placed the key in. The door was being gently pushed opened and I was being carried in firmly in his arms. Kaoru? I hated myself for not being able to catch the face. I was too drunk to stay conscious.

I woke up with an empty mind. Still visualizing Kaoru holding me in his arms. Felt so good. I came out of the room, feeling the walls all along. "Morning Kaoru," I said, forcing a smile on my face. Headache. He just gave me a nod, as usual. The light suddenly seemed glaring. I couldn’t stand it and fell onto Kaoru. His arms gave me a grip. When I felt fine again, I didn’t want to remove my arms that were holding onto him. "I like you a lot, Kaoru. Ever since you moved in," I said it, finally, in a very quick manner. I think he still heard it, I hope he heard it. "I appreciate that but I won’t accept it," He spoke calmly yet those words were harsh. He slowly removed my hands around him and went out. My mind stayed empty for the first few seconds. Then, I came to my senses and realized what he had just said. I couldn’t control; the tears just came flowing down. Rejected.

On the train, everything was moving very swiftly. A man looked suspicious at me and finally said, "Aren’t you Kaoru? Niikura Kaoru? I’m your Junior High Classmate. The one who always got first in class? How are you? Are you married yet? What’s your occupation?" Everyone has his past, even someone like me. Whenever I met some ex-schoolmates, they just asked the same old questions. I never liked talking. Ignore, that’s what I would do. "I’m stopping at the next stop. Do you remember the girl that you used to chase? Keiko-chan? I’m marrying her next month. I hope you will attend the dinner. Here’s an invitation. Fill in your name yourself. Sorry about that. You’ll be free right? See you there," He continued to say and finally got off. All these occasions and events, I really hope to go but I wouldn’t. They aren’t suitable for me. I just knew it. I simply left the invitation on the train before getting off. Not that I didn’t like him. Since the year I have moved in, I had my love for him slowly grow. I knew he cared for me. Every single detail he did in my room, I had noticed. He might not have known but I really did. I wasn’t the one for him. I knew myself too well.

I sat at that pub watching the crowd again. Seeing people’s life seemed to be my hobby, since I got none. One after one cigarette I lit up. Filling up the ashtray. Ashes, just shades of Grey. Like my life, how boring. How could Toshiya stand my sort of character? I am a born loner. Can’t his love just die off? He should have noticed I never talk much, never bothered with anything. I know I love him. I can’t do much about that. I know he won’t understand this. I want everything to be perfect. We’re not the perfect ones together.

"Toshiya, could you come down to the pub?" I asked him in my usual cold manner. I knew he was still crying over the incident earlier on. It did hurt me deep beneath. He breathed hard and said, trying to be fine and cheerful, "Sure thing." I hung up and walked over to the counter, saying, "Would you pass this coin to someone who will come to the table over there, looking for me? Just tell him 3103 is my lucky number." With that, I left the place.

The stars flickered hard that night. As if they are opposing me not to do that, they look as though the night sky was crying. I knew I shouldn’t hurt him that much. I went back to the apartment. Making sure he wasn’t there, I packed my things and moved out.

Happiness was felt within me. He initiated something. I went into that dim, misty pub. He wasn’t there. My heart sank. I went over to the usual table and waited. "He will be back soon," I consoled myself The lump of ashes lying on the ashtray simply reminded the one in his room. It felt as if he was still around a minute ago. Or have I just missed him? A waiter came up to me and handed me a coin. "3103 is his favorite number," That was all the waiter said. Instinctively, I went up to the jukebox.

"Forget the image. Don’t get pull back in the past memories. Treat it like a dream. Wake up now," The song on the jukebox went. Stars flickered hard, pulling the city’s lights into the sky.