|Regardless of what they Say|
By InSilence

Second Stage:
In Utero

he's everything you want
he's everything you need
he everything inside of you that you wish you could be
he says all the right things and exactly the right time
but he means nothing to you
and you don't know why

And the split second was gone.
Again Lucy's hysteric shreaks over Shinya. Bandaid and iodine. They had smeared a bright red cross on his forehaed. Marked him. Kaoru shivered. The fear was still there. Carefully he glanced over to the boy smoking in his doorframe. He had found Shinya had carried him all the way. As much as he tried he could not help himself brush a quick gaze over the dark-haired boy. His dark almond-eyes with the thick lashes, the strong jaw- and colar-bones. His tight pants, revealing far too much and his shirt with the opened colar and the loose necktie; screaming out that everyone could have him. At least for an hour or the night.
Kaoru gulped noisily. His eyes were caught by the inviting curves of the other man's lips, lips he tasted everynight in his dreams. A shout through his head. No.

Talk over coffee. Shinya sleeping quietly on the dirty couch. Lucy and Toshiya smoking. Kaoru chewing his fingernails. Toshiya. Toshiya. How much he wanted to kiss his fingers. He tried to denay. He had tried.
'These fucks. Mother church!' Lucy laughed scornfully.
'Yeah, damn that bunch of holy brothers.' Toshiya's voice filling his mind.
'Dirty pack.'
And then suddenly and oh so naturally her hand on his. Patting his fingers and then his hair.
'You take care of yourself, will you Totchi?' Lucy's voice as in a dream.
And her hand playing with his silky strands.
A pain. A tearing. A burning in his chest. Choking.
He gasped for breath audibly and touched his stomach. Sudden shivers. Nausea.
He stood, swayed and stumbled awkwardy into the bathroom where he vomitted on the slimy tiles.

'What's wrong with that guy?' Toshiya from somewhere behind the wall.
'Dunno. Behaves strange all time.' Lucy with a shrug.
'Bad sex maybe?' His voice again with an adulescent giggle.
'Shut up you brat, that's nothing a baby like you would understand.' She laughed and far away from Kaoru's sight she cuddled the boy and both laughed.

Kaoru leaned against the cool tiles of the tube and watched his reflection in the polished cross around his neck. Slowly he pealed a little plastic bag out of his jeans and examined the white powder with a satisfied grin. Carefully he poured the contents on a metal spoon, black with fire, and watched happily as the flames of his lighter consumed the spoon and its load. From somewhere behind the toilet he produced the needle and stared fascinated, like at the first time, how the liquid slowly made its way into the cannula. He found the vein quickly and rammed the needle deep into his flesh. Enjyoing the pain, which somehow woderfully disappeared and was replaced by a hilarious heat rushing through his veins into his heart, into every inch of his cold body. Spreading liquid fire and the world was all roses and violins with the roaring of his blood in his ears. With a distorted grin he stared into the shining cross and tore it with a single movement off his neck.
'Where is your mercy?' he shrieked.
'Where are you?' he laughed.
'Why are you torturing me like that?' he cried.
'Why do you give me those dreams? You liar!' A scream through the empty house.
'You left me. You traitor. If I'm a sinner then let me die.' he howled.
Kaoru did not feel the sharp edges of the cross cutting into his palm. His knuckles white under his skin. The blood red on the floor. The cross tinkled as it hit the ground. 'Traitor.'
And he slammed the door.

Shinya still asleep on the couch. The others gone. Tochiya gone. His scent still in the air. Kaoru embracing it as he rushed and fell out of the door into the grey rain splashing on the backyard.

The light in the club was pink with grey and Kaoru felt uncomfortable taking a seat at the bar. No sight of Lucy. Luckily. The strapping bar-maid handing him a drink with a broad smile on her fleshy red lips. Her eyes where on him what ever he did. Her eyes did not leave him in the greyish pinkness of the smoky room. Somewhen she returned, swaying her voluptuous hips.
'So... maybe we can do a little more for you, now?' She grinned her grimace.
And suddenly Kaoru felt an excited heat rushing through his body, stimulating him. A kinky glimmer in his eyes, his erection pulsing hard against the fabric of his trousers. Maybe it was only the fix.
'Yeah sure....' he said huskily, a pout on his sensual lips.
The girl grimaced again moving closer, enveloping him in her rosy stink.
'Any preferences then...?' she whispered scratching her long nails along her thies.
'Yeah...' And then a lump in his throat. A scratching in his being. A hammering in his chest. The bar-maid raising an eyebrow. Waiting. He choked. Coughed. Her worried grimace. His voice not quite his own. From far away. The fix turning the girl into a grimacing monster, the world around him swaying, glimmering like silver, moving like fluid wax through an endless space. Headache. He did not recognize his own voice as he spoke.
'Male. T-Toshiya.'
'Then you've made some choice with that hottie.' She laughed, rolling her eyes.
'He's up with a customer. Maybe. Go check.' He was shaking as she handed him the keys. Something had changed in her grimace something lusting. Something curious, he could not understand.
'Your first time, huh?' She lulled from another world.
'Don't worry. He's good. He'll take care of you. Our Totchi baby is sweetmeat.' And she laughed her distorted laugh, which was not quite laughter.
'Bathroom please.' He whined. Shaking.
He needed another shot.

The narrow corridor with the pink tapestry floating. The walls bowing; swimming in the rose-colored light. He, crossing them lightly, cutting empty space. Along shadow figures which leaned as young colorful ghosts against the walls. Red. Lipstick. Blue. Eyeshadow. Black. Garments. And again red with blonde and brunette. Sounds echoing through his blurred world. Girls giggling as he passed, people groaning, a screm, lashes. Moans. And somewhere the sounds of someone fucking Lucy. It was interesting.

Toshiya leaned casually against the wall. A cigarette between his fingers. His long dark hair touseled. His skin still damp. Green bills in his pockets and that fat trick's hand in the crack of his ass. The fat man was grinning, pearls of sweat glimmering on his forehead. His other fleshy hand fumbling Toshiya's right nipple through his shirt.
'Totchi...' he slurred, reaching under his clothes.
Toshiya felt uncomfortable, three of the girls observing the scene from across the corridor. Giggling. He hated that fat man. But he payed well. Always tried to kiss him. With his rotten fishy breath. But he payed well. He hated his hairy fat claws. His grunts when he serviced him. But he payed well, Toshiya reminded himself and sneered disgusted as the fat man came closer.
'I like you better in these clothes, Totchi, much better. I don't like your dresses. That's like screwing a girl, or Shinya.' The fat man laughed. 'I like you to be a man. Hey, Totch... a kiss for suggardady?' He snorted in a grunted whisper and left Toshiya squeezing his left cheek.
'Fuck you.' Toshiya thought but faked a happy grin.
'Maybe I should borrow some more clothes from Shin-chan...' Toshiya thought amused and directed his view to the end of the corridor where a tall man with black clothes and dark hair emerged as out of another world.

Kaoru was high. He danced on pink clouds but as he recognized the pretty boy standing at the end of the corridor he suddenly fell, crashing through dirty grey rain-clouds.

'Hey Kaoru...' Toshiya said dryly.
Kaoru choking on his words.
'Luce is busy...Is it urgent?'
'I didn't come to see Luce.' The words were out, stumbling out of his mouth. Something changing in Toshiya's calm expression, something knowing and wicked. He leaned over, enveloping Kaoru in his scent.
'I though you would come. Sooner or later.' Toshiya whispered running his purple fingernail sharply along Kaoru's jaw-bone.
'I knew it from the way you were looking at me. You were looking at me. Isn't that right Kaoru? You know...I know that kind of looks. I get them all the time. Men looking at me. Wanting to take me. Women looking at me. Wanting me to take them. Or the other way around.' Toshiya whispered silently. Almost not audible. Kaoru reading from his lips.
'What difference does it make really?' Words formed on his lips. The purple fingernail running down Kaoru's throat. His adam's-apple bulging under Toshiya's touch leaving a red line on the skin he passed.
'And you know what I think.... Then. Did you dream of me, Kaoru? Did I touch you like that in your dreams? Did I? Or was I gentle...maybe like that...?' And he ran his hand carefully along Kaoru's heaving chest.
'Did you dream of that? Or of more? Of me pleasuring you...teasing you. Did you think of me when you were with Luce? Was I there. Did you long for me? For my body on you...my hands on you....my lips on you... doing all those magic things? Wanted me, perhaps to take you instead of her...?'
Kaoru shivered uncontrollably. Hot tears burning his eyes. His heartbeat pumping. Never before he was as ashamed and at the same time as hot and excited as in that very second. Toshiya was moving closer, his young breath caressing Kaoru's pale face. 'Want to fuck badly, huh...? He hushed huskily running his hands under Kaoru's shirt, who panted under his breath.
'Let me tell you something of this business. It's not some attitude. No really...only a job. I enjoy it. Sex. We all do, don't we?' His hands drawing burning circles on Kaoru's skin.
'Mostly it's old fat man. Sweating. Disgusting. See...this work is like some dream. Dreaming. Bad dreams. We all have them...don't we, Kaoru?  Bad dreams, and then not all of them that bad. Specially when you're on wiz...Sometimes it's guys like you. Young. Or a little older. Atractive. Good. Then I enjoy it. It's like free money. You get used to every sore ass. And however, it's that sorry ass of mine who earns my living. Right?' His hands wandered down, his hot breath against Kaoru's ear.
'Sometimes I like it when they ravish me. Sometimes it makes me really excited when I hear them come with me. I like the screams of the women, when I have women. You know....' His hands caressing the inside of Kaoru's thies.
'This work can make you feel really good you know...' He said. Suddenly grabbing Kaoru's hand and pressing it boldy against his groins. Kaoru jerked. Startled by the unexpected hardness. Toshiya let Kaoru's hand rest there for a long time.
'Sure that's really what you want?' Toshiya whispered.
'I will split you in half...Kao-chan...' Toshiya hissed, grinned, and let go off his hand.
'Yes.' Kaoru panted silently.
'Good. That's 500 bucks then for the night. You're in?' Toshiya said aloud. Kaoru nodding silently.

A minute later they stepped into the dark rainy night of the city. The starless sky black as an endless dark hole stretching over the horizon about to devour the two shadows hurring through her emptiness.
The boy moved closer to the taller man and Kaoru felt Toshiya's warm scent caress his skin. His warmth melting the ice.
The ice somewhere in his soul.
Roaring, melting and crashing, now, like a river into the valley.

Part three in production, I hope that was not too confusing now  - comments, please?
insilence@tokyo.com
http://www.oocities.org/cytomi/
Love,
and take care,
yours truly;
Insilence

to be continued

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