|Regardless of what they Say|
By InSilence

Third Stage:
Ex Anima

So let me come to you
Close as I want to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I love your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Blue lights glimmering in the streets. Toshiya in blue, black and red. Silver streaming down Memory Lane. Toshiya passing in violette and aquamarine. Rain on the Avenue. Toshiya dancing in gold, yellow and bronze.

He had changed. His long dress caressing the floor as they danced. His warm hands dry in his. His lips an endless smile. Sparkling eyes. Beautiful.

Wild hands flying as he talked. Elegant fingers poking in a fruit-salad. Stares on him whereever they strode. 'Beautiful Woman' that's what they were thinking. Kaoru consumed in his smile. A look. An instant in eternity. Somehow he had imagined everything to be so different. Walking arm in arm. He guiding his unearthly princess. Only for that one night. Watching shooting-stars on the cool sand of the beach. Toshiya's head against his shoulder. Gentle tendrills caressing his face. Like lovers. Toshiya barefooted in the tide. Saltwater crashing against naked white legs. Rose-colored seashell between his fingers. Toshiya. Only for a spark in endless darkness.

The hotelroom clean and bright. Candlelight and silky sheets. Toshiya laying down on them. Sipping champagne. Somehow everything too much. White snow on the marble washbowl. A sniff. Flying snowflakes into Kaoru's nostrils. Blankness. Brightness. Heat. Toshiya still on the bed as the bathroom door shut with a soft click.

'Cocaine?' Toshiya staring into his eyes as he shily sat down on the rim of the bed.
'Yeah...guess I'm wired. Long time already.'
'Why?'
'Dunno. Maybe to forget.'
'To forget what?' Toshiya moving closer. Sweet perfume caressing the darkness.
'That I'm ashamed. Dunno.'
'Ashamed? Why?' Toshiya's hand on his.
'C'mon. You never on wiz?'
'Of course I am. But soft-stuff....I do it for the sex.' Toshiya's voice a whisper. His hand only there, in that weird intimacy of the moment.
'Then also to forget.'
Silence. Toshiya leaning over, enveloping the older man in his warmth.
'Do you like girls better, or guys...?' Kaoru braking the silence softly.
'You're the first to ask. I don't know. You? Just about to find out, huh?' A faint giggle.
'I guess I like who really loves me. I mean. Love. Not the other thing. You know. That warmth. That soul which you can love. Want to hold and protect...' Kaoru whispered into the semi-darkness of the pompous hotelroom.
'We are very alone.' He added, unsure.
'You payed for the other thing, though.' Toshiya said drily and started opening his dress.
In the moment in which Toshiya reached down and pressed Kaoru's hands demanding against his thin chest, Kaoru wished he was at some other place. Far away. Where there were seashells and shootingstars. In that moment he did not wish to take or to possess - he wanted to hold and to protect.
As Toshiya skillfully began to massage his body, Kaoru began to cry.

'Shit.' Toshiya cursed softly as the older man sobbed into his lap.
'Hey shhhh...' He hushed, patting tousled dark hair. Somehow he began to like that weirdo. And then out of an unexplained flash through his confused mind he covered Kaoru's trembling lips with his. The man's eyes snapped open wide in confusion and Toshiya kissed him softly, spreading heat in his veins as liquid fire. He tasted gently of strawberries and champagne. Kaoru's whole being concentrated on that soft lips which were meeting his awkwardly.
Toshiya broke away, grinned with crooked teeth and blushed lightly as he muttered: 'Uhh, usually that's not part of a 500 bucks evening, ne... But maybe that's just cause I like you.' He grinned and brushed his long fingers through Kaoru's wild mane.
'Ya..I like you too, Toshiya.' Kaoru whispered hoarsly. An embarassed smile struggled itself over Toshiya's young features, and he shrugged, a pout on his sensual full lips.
'Seems you don't want me though...' He nagged playfully and carefully caressed Kaoru's legs through soft fabric.
'But I do. I mean I really did - I don't know.' Kaoru shrugged.
'Come...let's forget then...about the world and ourselves...' Toshiya begged, sinking into the soft pillows and pulling Kaoru with him.

Toshiya's dark eyes sparkled in the dimmed light as he covered Kaoru's chest with hot kisses, quickly abandonning the silky shirt to rustle in a forgotten corner of the room. Long fingers skillfully painted burning circles on white skin. Drew a sharp breath as they pinched sensitive tissue. A wet tongue working its way over a pale belly, while wicked fingers quickly worked their way over dark trousers. Kaoru watching confused as a beautiful face lowered itself over his abdomen and he swam in the unknown sensation of a distinctly male body pressed up against his. Falling back into a cloud of white mist, hazing his senses. A cloud of strange smells and the burn of unknown skin pressed to his, unknown wetness coating him, a senging breath burning his body. The world whirling around him. Faster and faster. Spinning, turning in a breathless pace. A star dancing his last dance in the vast blackness of endless space. Screaming for an instance in the second of death. Universe bending. Echoes in infinity. White heat - an explosion at the rim of imagination. Bright stars, raining fire. Blasting crying star. Melting reality. Cold fire. Bursting. Tearing. And then silence.
And darkness.

Kaoru's body spasmed violently as he came into Toshiya's mouth. His chest heaving, eyes shut. He shuddered silently for an endless moment as he opened his heavy lids. He blinked confused into semi-darkness watched the teenage boy wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. A milky wet smear quickly removed from professional lips who had earned their night's share. Kaoru watched fearfully as the young beautiful face transformed into Lucy's wasted, sad features for his inner eye. He shuddered. The same look, the same movements, he had watched her make a thousand times. With him in their stinking home. With hundreds of other men in rotten unknown places. As Toshiya. No smile, no satisfaction in his eyes, no warmth, no gentleness and no love he realized, cold chill gripping his heart.

Back on the street. Rain and coldness.
They had dressed in silence. Embarassed silence. Kaoru's shame locking his lips.
Heartbeats at the intersection. Time to leave.
Green bills screaming through the night. Four eyes watching the scene from the bar across the street.
Kaoru shivering as green paper changed hands. Headache and nausea.
'Well then.' Toshiya's voice fainting in the rainy silence.
The black abyss opening its greedy gorge. Kaoru falling.
'Can - Can I call. I will call you, okay?' Kaoru stuttering. 'Maybe we can have dinner together. Walk along the beach?' A begged question under tears.
Toshiya's features writing the answer. Black strands caressing his face.
'No Kaoru, we won't.' He said softly. 'Really, I like you. But about tonight... Then again, you know,  you were only a trick.'
The boy shrugged helplessly and with a crooked smile.
Silence. The ground vanishing beneath Kaoru's feet. The world shaking. Pain.
'Goodnight.' Toshiya twirling around, distancing, disappearing behind a row of black buildings, growing as grey giants into the torn nightsky.

Slowly the ground approached him. Getting closer. Meeting his body in a rough wet kiss as he crushed on the dirty pavement. Loud sobbs echoing through the deserted alleys. Kaoru crying. Rain beating down on him. The sky falling to meet him. Blankness as they collided. Slowmotion. Fast forward. And then return. The world went dark finally. And Kaoru did no more feel no pain, neither the rain nor the two figures approaching him with brutal laughter. He did not feel them lifting him up. He was numb for their rough hands grabbing him, deaf for their harsh voices, their running feet violating the darkness and the close, distant, terrible scream of pain that made the black night tremble. He was long gone, sheltered in a distant memory. Held in warmth and eternity in Toshiya's one short embrace.


Part four in production, the horizon only a touch away  - comments, please?
insilence@tokyo.com
http://www.oocities.org/cytomi/
Love,
and take care,
yours truly;
Insilence