Enjoy ^_~

Nighttime again. I find myself restlessly tossing around in bed, wishing for sleep to claim my consciousness and therefore let me forget the reason behind all of this unease. Finding my prayers unanswered, I stand up rather irritably and stalk towards the double windows, ruthlessly yanking the curtains open. I know it's futile, but still I try and search the busy street below for any signs of you. Damn you, are you in some whore's bed passing the night away? Why do you always make me feel insignificant even when you vow that I'm the only one for you?

It was my fault again, wasn't it? If I hadn't opened my big mouth, you wouldn't feel the need to storm out of here and go to god knows where. It was just a typical question... you didn't have to be mad. People like me always find the need to ascertain their status in their lovers' lives. I need to know where I stand in your life--- a lover to be forgotten tomorrow? Do you know how many times I've wished I was of the opposite sex, then we would have been perfect for each other. As a woman, I could bear you a child, we could get married, and you wouldn't hide our relationship from others. It hurts to even think that you are ashamed of me. You always turn me away when I seek some sort of intimacy outside this apartment. I couldn't tell you I was only looking for comfort. A sign that you feel the same way I do. I want to just go and be able to declare my love for you freely. No need to hide.

~~~~

I'm not the hero who will always save the day.

Don't always wear the white hat, don't always know the way.

I may not even be the dream you wanted to come true,

It hurt. You don't know how many nights I've stayed up wondering why you always felt the need to hang all over other men like that. Aren't I good enough for you? You don't understand at all--- I want you to be just mine and no one else's. You talk about other men in bed, and no matter how subtly you compare Kaoru and I, it's still transparent enough to make me think that you want him more than you want me. I know I'm no knight in shining armor, but I don't want to pretend to be some fairy tale hero living in a very real world. You say you love me, but why do I see someone else's reflection in your eyes? I want you to want me for who I am and not for who the books say one should be.

You don't know how badly I want for us to be together our whole lives... but are you truly ready for such a commitment? I've psyched myself up last night, wanting everything to be perfect as I pocketed the velvet box... and then you came and asked why I couldn't be like Kaoru and propose to you like he did to Kyo. Why do I always have to be overshadowed by this "perfect" man? Isn't being backup guitarist enough? I want to be in the limelight once in a while too, especially when you are the audience... can't you understand that?

~~~~

I'm not the key that opens every door.

I don't have the power to give you all you want and more,

But when you're needin' somethin' special you can hold on to,

I'll always be the man in love with you.

Does it always have to be this way between us? Loving so little and hating so much? But that's just it, I don't hate you... not in the least... I love you and that is why I can be so difficult. I get jealous of other couples, wishing and wanting happiness for both of us. I feel the need to constantly remind myself that you are here by my side, and that you belong to me and no one else's.

Almost three and you haven't returned yet. Have I driven you away for good? Will you still return to me before the sun rises as you always did before?

I push away from the window and walk up to the dresser where one precious frame rests. We looked so carefree and sure back then, weren't we? Tears blur my eyes but I still caught sight of a small black box hiding behind the frame. Oh, Die, weren't you trying to tell me something last night? You looked so nervous and determined at the same time. It says here that you will love me into eternity... do you still feel the same way now that I've screwed it all up?

Come home to me, love. Please... come home.

~~~~
I never could work miracles.

There may be others who can do what I can't do,

But no one else can be as good as me at lovin' you.

I want to be perfect just for you... then maybe I can see myself in your eyes when I look into them. But then, I will become just one fairy tale hero living in a very real world.

The sun will rise soon, and with that is the need I have to reconcile with you. Past hurt can be buried... love can flourish again like a divine phoenix rising from the ashes. Will you take me back in your arms like you always did before?

~~~~

So when the world won't turn the way you wish it would,

And the dreams you have don't come alive as often as they should,

Remember that there's someone there whose heart is always true.

I'll always be the man in love with you.

~~~~
Remember that there's someone there whose heart is always true,

Someone there to help you make it through.

I'll always be the man in love with you.

~~~~

owari (2001.06.25)

kat: "... one fairy tale hero living in a very real world..."

die: sooo deep! i'm impressed (pats katsuai on the back)

totchi: ooooh, die, deep[er]!!!