JEALOUS

by Kurara

***

--My heart, without being injured, has ffaded--

I don't know what's wrong. I should be sad that you left... I should
be... I mean, I am, but I thought it would be more than this...

Perhaps I still believe... believe that you still love me... that you
will realize this and come back, someday...

--Your love collapsed, With the flowers bloomed in a mess--

But then again, I'm terribly depressed. I feel so empty. As the
last of your scent lingered after that last fight we had. That last
fight, over HIM.

--Jealous--

Yes, I was jealous.

Jealous of the fact that as soon as he was in the band, I was
forgotten.

You'd come to our apatto not to see me, but to see HIM.

I even saw you two sometime before that night. I saw it coming.

And I was powerless to stop it.

--Since those days when you let yourselff be seduced by him--

I wasn't too surprised to come home to the stench of sex and to find
MY bed messed up with the remnants of you two.

I didn't do anything, I already lost.

So I slept on the couch that night and woke up early to leave and get
drunk.

I hate getting drunk.

But I hate HIM more.

Getting drunk didn't take you away, but HE did.

--For some reason you have rejected my hheart--

Wasn't I ever good enough? Didn't I make you feel loved? Did you
ever really love me back? Did I EVER do anything wrong?

Sure, I may be a bit lazy.

Sure, I may smoke like hell (although not as much as you).

Sure, I may sleep constantly.

But, I was there for you, even if you weren't there for me.

--His image personifies change--

Now, even his name is like a symbol to me.

A change in the winds that drags in a storm. The thunder of this
storm is seeing you two kiss during breaks at pratice. The lightning
is when I wake up because you and him are in his room, loud with
passion. The rain is the fact that the other two have gotten
together, and they do many of the things we used to.

I see us in them.

And I fear that maybe they will fall to the same fate.

--So far but so near to mine--

I lost you, because he took you.

He took my love, my life, my sanity...

...my reason to live...

--You wear a mask? In front of him--
>
Sometimes, you'll come in and look at me.

No, I was never asleep during these times, though you thought I was.
You'd look at me with a look, almost that of longing.

Could you really be sad? Could you really...

--You can thus hide your tensed face--
And sometimes, when you and he are asleep, I'll come into the room,
and carress your cheek like I used to. You whimper out just like you
used to.

Does he know how weak you are on the inside? Or are you afraid to
tell him?

I know how delicate you are...

--Will my heart lost in your body--

Do you realize that I never stopped loving you?

--Go away from it someday?--

No, you don't.

And now, you've even stopped doing all the things we used to do even
before we got together.

Our friendship is dying...

--I will bloom like a poisoned flower--<

My eyes... they reflect a sadness they never did before. It's...
beautiful... but... I feel the need to tear them out... and to drown
my body in the ocean as my eyes have drowned in tears.

--Then I will come back blooming again---

And perhaps I'll be reborn... and we'll meet again.

And this time... I'll kill him before he has a chance to steal you
away.

--My heart, without being injured, has ffaded--

And now... I realize why I'm not as sad...

You didn't break my heart... you kept it. You stole it.

--Inside your collapsed love--

And you hold it in a place that it won't be nurtured.

--Flowers bloom in a mess...--

It grows ugly and black. Soon, it is of no use to anyone.

--I won't be able to laugh like before---

Everyone expects me to do certain things... laugh and smile at
certain times...

So I will... but it is all a facade.

--Nothing into me loves him--

And I pretend to get along with him...

Even though those few nights you don't come over, I'll come in and
put my fingers around his neck as he sleeps, hoping to break it.

--Once time in this night of february--<

And now it's been a year since you've gone from my bed and into his.

--You embraced this untidy being--

And I can still feel how it felt to have your arms around me... to
have your lips on mine... to have your hands float across my body...

I still know what it feels like to be inside of you... and what you
feel like inside of me.

--I can't forget the "you" thaat I loved--

You've changed... greatly... but underneath all that change is still
you... and... I still love you.

***

Well, do you know who it is? Pretty obvious to me, but I don't
know...
Anyway, what did you all think? Okay, I know, I know, write my
Pierrot fic... I know...
jya...
~kurara

comments to Kurara

back to fics page~