Part 35

*

Toshiya sat on the closed toilet seat and breath in properly. His right hand still clutching his sweater and he was panting.

So Kaoru knew…Kaoru knew…but it didn’t matter anymore.

So he slept around, with almost everyone, he even kissed Shinya…it didn’t matter anymore

What matter most, right now…was the fact that everybody thought Kaoru and Toshiya didn’t have any relationship.

This wouldn’t normally bug him but this time…it did.

Why? How come?

Was it real after all?

Toshiya sniffed and wiped his nose, staring at the cubicle’s door

…

No! He had to talk to Kaoru! He Had To!!!!

So Toshiya got up, walked out the bathroom and off he went to see Kaoru

*

“Kaoru san? He’s gone”

Toshiya looked at the man confusedly

“Yeah, he told everyone there won’t be anything else today. He had told Kyo san and Die san but we couldn’t find you, so…” the technician shrugged and packed his stuff. Toshiya joined his eyebrows

How weird

The workaholic?

Toshiya bit his lower lip, he didn’t want to talk to Kyo or Die.

Not now

Not after that fight…

So Toshiya sighed and packed his own stuff, then slowly he walked out the recording room and headed toward the car park.

Cold

It was so cold, that Toshiya turned the heater as soon as he got into his car. Then he started the engine and drove away, with no particular destination in his mind

Right now, he either talked to Kaoru, or be alone

So he drove and drove, one turn to another, until he stopped his car and when he looked around, Toshiya found himself near a park, where there no one could be seen.

He could hear thunder, and saw lightning. Maybe it would rain tonight, and Toshiya gave a bitter laugh. Cuz it suited the situation he was in right now. So cold and gloomy, he didn’t know what to do. Toshiya was really confused now. He wanted to talk to Kaoru, but he had left.

Maybe that was a sign…that he shouldn’t talk

Maybe that was a sign, telling Toshiya not to be bothered at all! Die was just confused, and Kaoru would understand Die, who was only being curious and Toshiya himself being stupid.

So foolish

But he was so excited to know that Die wanted to try gay sex

Then how would he know that Kaoru fucked Die too? How would he know Die felt so guilty that he told kaoru everything? Toshiya didn’t see them coming, no he didn’t. now everything changed. He ruined the whole thing. Kaoru and Die’s bond, Kyo and Die’s bond…Die and his…

Toshiya blinked

Kaoru and his…

Toshiya bit his lip and laughed

Funny, …yeah, if they had one.

Relationship

Toshiya’s eyes felt wet and heavy

“Relationship…” he whispered, shakily

Toshiya hugged himself and shut his eyes

Oh it was so cold. So lonely, …he wanted warmth. He wanted somebody, to hold him tightly, somebody to baby him…

Toshiya leaned on the steering wheel and started to sob

He wanted Kaoru

So badly, why only did he realize it now?

Too late…was it too late?

He longed for Kaoru, he wanted to be touched, he wanted to be kissed…by Kaoru, and only Kaoru.

Then all the sudden, it came to him

He missed kaoru, he wanted to be with kaoru. No matter what Kaoru would do to him, no matter what Kaoru would say, he didn’t care. Right now, he only wanted Kaoru, to see Kaoru, to be in Kaoru’s arms.

Love

…

Admit it Toshiya

Please

Toshiya wiped his tears and nodded to himself

“Yes, I do... Yes…love …Kaoru!!!” he whispered to himself but the voice kept repeating itself.

Admit it

Admit it

“I LOVE KAORU!!!!”

Toshiya covered his mouth and took a deep breath

What took him so long? What to him such a long time to realize it? It wasn’t a biased feeling. It certainly was not fake.

“Maybe…maybe this one is real!” Toshiya muttered, “Maybe this is IT! Maybe it’s meant to be like that!” Toshiya convinced himself

“How will I know it’s real if I don’t give it a try?”

Toshiya nodded to himself

“Kaoru, I love you”

Then tell him

Toshiya blinked

Tell Kaoru

I. Love. You

Follow your heart

Toshiya nodded strongly and started the engine.

“I won’t care whatever you say, Kaoru. Because I don’t care. I don’t care whatever you’ll say…” Toshiya murmured to himself, “Because…”

Toshiya smiled

“I love you”

Toshiya laughed and wiped his tears

“I love you…can you even believe that Kaoru? Can you?!!”

Toshiya sniffed

“I just want to tell you that…I’m confused, and I-I need you to say something! This is so new to me, that…Kaoru, that I LOVE YOU!!!”

*

Die looked out the window from his bed

It looked like as if it was going to rain

So cold, that he pulled the blanket further up.

He had to apologize

Maybe tomorrow

*

“So what have you been doing all day? Hm?” Kirito smiled and looked at his lover, but then he noticed the frown on the face. So he wrapped and arm around Kyo and lifted his chin up. The other singer pouted and looked at him. “Why are you so sulky?”

Kyo shook his head, ‘It’s nothing. Just some fight, confusion…” he trailed off, staring at his own fingers playing with a CD case.

Kirito tightened his hug and gave a supportive smile, “It’s normal in a band. Everything will come to an end, Kyo. Nothing lasts forever” he whispered and gave Kyo a kiss on the forehead. Kyo nodded and smiled, snuggling up more.

“Cold”

“It’s gonna rain”

Kirito sighed and noticed the CD case Kyo had been playing with

“What’s this?”

“Copy of Macabre”

“Hm? Really?”

“Yeah” Kyo shrugged, “But it’s not complete yet” he paused and stared at the stereo in front of him. Then he looked at Kirito, “You wanna listen?”

Kirito shrugged, “Yeah”

*

Toshiya parked his car, locked the door and rushed to the lobby. His breath quickened, his heart thumped harder. Although his eyes were watery , his face was slightly gleaming, and fringe sticking on his cheeks, Toshiya had a smile on his lips.

He just wanted to have a talk with Kaoru

Just to tell Kaoru about his new found love

That’s it

He didn’t expect Kaoru to feel the same way because it’s impossible

Toshiya pressed a button hastily and tidied up a little. Then he sighed as the lift reached its destination. Toshiya gripped his jacket tightly and stepped out of the lift. He took another deep breath, before walking straight toward Kaoru’s apartment. As he reached the door, Toshiya wanted to press the bell but the doorbell was broken. Kaoru hadn’t fixed it up cuz he was too busy.

So Toshiya knocked

Once

Twice

Then he doubted.

How if he wasn’t at home?

Toshiya bit his lip, and turned the door knob

It opened

Toshiya sighed, walked in and shut the door quietly. Then he took off his shoes silently and walked toward the living room.

It was empty

Toshiya checked the kitchen

Empty

Then maybe Kaoru was in his room

So Toshiya walked across the living room carefully and reached for the door.

It was open slightly

Toshiya took another deep breath and shut his eyes

When he opened them, Toshiya wondered what had made him so nervous

Then he pushed the door gently, and took two steps in

…

And there was Kaoru

Kaoru, his Kaoru, sitting on the bed, with his naked back facing Toshiya.

But he was not alone

Toshiya shifted his eyes

And there was a person, sitting in front of Kaoru

Shinya

Shinya gasped and looked up, meeting Toshiya’s eyes. His thin arm around Kaoru’s neck, his lips parted just next to Kaoru’s pouty ones. And Shinya wore a shirt, and that’s it.

Toshiya stood there frozen

His eyes started to look around

Candles

Then he turned his head back to the sight on the bed

Kaoru turned his head and glanced at him. His dark, silky strands swayed to his movement. And then Kaoru loosened his hold on Shinya’s waist and removed his hand to hold Shinya’s. The young man blinked and looked at Kaoru, then at Toshiya. Kaoru looked at Shinya’s face, brushed his fringe and kissed the back of Shinya’s smooth hand.

It was so cold

And Kaoru didn’t even turn to him

Toshiya stared at Shinya, who had been staring at him

Those innocent eyes, that innocent look…

…it was just too much

Toshiya’s eyes twitch, and he stepped back, …and his lips moved, forming …

G.o.m.e.n

Then he stepped back more, and closed the door, and walked quickly toward the main door, and shut it. Then he rushed down the stairs, and when he reached the car park, Toshiya could only feel tears streaming down his cheeks, his voice disappeared and his heart wrenched so painfully. He had to run all the way back to his car, with the wind blowing, and the rain pouring.

It was so cold…so blue…

Toshiya locked the car door, started the engine and just drove away

*

Kaoru looked at him affectionately and brushed his cheek gently. Shinya wet his lips and looked at Kaoru, who smiled. So Shinya smiled back and closed his eyes as Kaoru inched closer. Shinya held his breath, Kaoru’s lips were so warm, it felt so good. Then Kaoru pulled him closer and hugged him so tenderly, Shinya moaned as Kaoru’s tongue slipped into his mouth. He touched Kaoru’s shoulder, and wrapped his other arm around Kaoru’s waist.

Kaoru broke off the kiss, and stared at Shinya

Then he smiled, the Kaoru kind of smile

And Shinya smiled back, the Shinya kind of smile

And then Kaoru nipped his lower lip, and nipped his chin, his neck and his collarbone. Shinya shut his eyes, and felt himself being pushed down so gently to the bed. Kaoru lay on him, kissed both his hands and kissed his forehead. Shinya gasped as Kaoru bit his earlobe but moaned as Kaoru nibbled on his neck.

Then Shinya looked out the window

…

Outside, it rained

*

The living room was dim, with the stereo screen as the only light. In front of it, sat two men, in each other’s arms. Cozily whispering into each other’s ears and occasionally giggles could be heard. Then the music ended, and one of the figures nodded

“That is so calm…compare to the others…”

Kyo nodded, “Shinya’s song”

Kirito smiled, and widened his eyes as a song started. Then Kyo’s voice filled the air, bass line so perfectly clear, and guitar so melodic. Kirito smiled wider and looked at his lover

“What song is this?”

Kyo shut his eyes

“Kaoru’s”

“…are you okay?”

Kyo nodded

“What’s the title?”

“Tai You no Ao”

Suddenly the door burst open, and Kirito gasped while Kyo jumped. It was too dark to see but it looked like Toshiya running across the living room and slammed the door closed.

Kyo sat up straight, eyes all wide. His lover joined eyebrows and looked at Kyo, “Is- is it Toshiya kun? Is he okay?” he asked worriedly

…

The other singer didn’t reply, merely pulled Kirito close to him and stared at the stereo

“This is a very special song….about the beauty…of Kaoru’s sun” Kyo bit his lips, and his eyes started to glisten.

“The sun that sets upon Kaoru’s heart…”

*

Toshiya threw himself on the bed and no matter what happened, no matter how hard he cried, how much tears poured; he wouldn’t be able to get that image out of his mind.

Kaoru, Kaoru, his Kaoru whom he loved…with the virginal Shinya…

Shinya’s first time…

Toshiya bit his lip

It hurt

Like hell

*

Meanwhile, the song kept playing, filling the apartment, to its every dark corner. As if it wanted to tell the whole world its story.

About Kaoru’s sun that set so painfully upon his heart…about Kaoru’s someone special…about Kaoru’s sad brand new days… about Kaoru longing to see everything, the sun, the moon and the stars. But he couldn’t.

Because right now, Kaoru could only see the sun

***

And no, the sun isn’t Shinya

Lady7

----<<@

to be continued...