Extracts from Bluff Your Way in Teaching
By Nick Yapp (Ravette Books)


Going for Promotion

There are teachers who sit back in the staffroom, gently fingering the tattoos on the backs of their hands and saying: "I mean, all this promotion crap. Who needs it? Working in the classroom with a bunch ofkids. That's what really matters.

That's where it's at.* There's no way I'm prostituting myself for promotion.
"What they mean is, they've tried and failed. You have to try and succeed. There are two methods: the Tortoise and the Hare.
[*Note the out-of-date argot: a feature of the Progressive.]

The Tortoise talks and dresses like a Head of Department or Deputy Head from the day he or she enters Training College, cultivates the Inspector, attends a lot of Courses and Meetings, produces Discussion Documents and Working Papers on How the Department Could be Streamlined, reads aloud bits of the Times Ed. in the staffroom, and (worst) is pleasant to everybody.

By this method the Tortoise becomes universally hated in the school, and the Head feels obliged to give the Tortoise a glowing reference. The Hare bounds through life in a merry and outrageously eccentric way, full of bon mots, witty epigrams and impossibly innovative ideas. By this method the Hare becomes universally hated in the school and the Head feels bound to give the Hare a glowing reference. You have to decide which of these methods to adopt and then carry it through - at interview.

Here the Tortoise plods maddeningly along, wearing the interview panel down, remorselessly grinding them into acceptance of his or her solid professionalism. 'We must have this teacher,' is the panel's response, believing that the Tortoise will work assiduously for long hours and never put a foot wrong. The Hare's interview is livelier, a thing of fits and starts, leaving the panel bemused and divided. 'Could be brilliant,' say some. 'Could be a disaster,' say others.

'Certainly different,' say all. There is a chance that this 'difference' will swing the appointment in the Hare's favour.The point about all this is that you need an alternative strategy if you find yourself competing with a whole lot of tortoises, or, less probably, hares. Don't look for a third successful method - there isn't one.

Going for a Headship

First - ask yourself 'Why?' Why are you volunteering to take total responsibility for every single event that takes place in a school, probably the least controllable institution in the whole of our society?

Think of what those events are likely to be: breakages, injuries, near riots, nervous breakdowns on the grand scale, blocked drains, thefts, supporting staff in industrial action while at the same time seeking to circumvent its effects, appeasing parents, bullying parents, calming visitors who have been insulted by children/the schoolkeeper/teachers/other visitors, justifying the school's catastrophic exam results.

There are those who protest that the great thing about getting a Headship is that you can impose your authority and personality on a school. This is rubbish, as many a staffroom will laughingly confirm. The only great thing about getting a Headship is that it means you don't have to seek anyone's permission to arrive late or leave early.

Record Keeping

The purpose of Record Keeping is to make sure that teachers don't nip off at. half past three every day, but you shouldn't resent this, as it gives you a chance to daydream, to fantasise, to play 'Let's Pretend'. In Record Keeping, teachers write down:

a) what was supposed to happen

b) what they wish had happened

c) what they know will never happen.

This is the creative writing side of Record Keeping.The other side is desperately trying to find sufficient information to fill six sides of A4 paper about a child of whom you have only the dimmest recollection.

Can he blend sounds? Can she sort shapes? Has he seen the School Nurse? Can she draw the human body without putting the nose where the knee ought to be? The only section on which you will be able to supply plenty of information will be the one that says: 'Does he/she present any particular management problems?' All children present particular management problems.

The difficulty is to express your thoughts and findings without an ensuing libel action since School Records are now open documents. This is another example of the Perpetual Revolution in Teaching. It is clearly a great advance, with an interesting underground side-shoot. Secret files are kept in many schools where teachers write what they really think of the children and feel a lot better for doing so.

Staff Meetings

Staff Meetings are the Think Tank and Boilerhouse ofevery school. They start fifteen minutes after they're supposed to and are conducted either in bored silence, save for the Head's pathetic attempts to raise his or her staff to some level of feeble contribution, or else in an atmosphere of bitter animosity and blazing rancour.

The silent meetings are for dealing with important subjects, like changes in examinations, curriculum, timetabling, streaming, fire drills, school uniform, the explosion in the Science Block. Rowdy, argumentative meetings are always about trivial matters - parking facilities, staff coffee (its continual disappearance) and who should do duty for absent teachers.

Meetings take the following form:

1. Introductory remarks by the Head, frequently interrupted by late comers who start boiling kettles, bieating for coffee, asking if anyone's supposed to be sitting in that chair, etc. In these introductory remarks the Head outlines those matters which (unfortunately) there wasn't time to discuss at the last meeting. This takes about twenty minutes.

2. Lengthy discussion of something that wasn't on the agenda but that one of the more argumentative members of staff has just thought of. This takes at least thirty five minutes.

3. Discussion of matters that should be discussed at this meeting but that (unfortunately) there won't now be time to discuss. This takes a further ten minutes.

4. Fixing a time for the next meeting, at which matters that should have been discussed at this meeting but (unfortunately) weren't, can be discussed . This takes five minutes.Staff meetings are, therefore, always at least one jump behind themselves. This ensures that humdrum, routine matters are not pushed aside by matters of real urgency or immediacy.

How to Survive Staff Meetings

You can try wearing an interested smile and a personal stereo, but most teachers fall back on older, deeper wisdoms. They join a clique. Every staffroom has cliques.

There's the Union Clique, the Anti Union Clique,the Multi Ethnic Clique, the Anti Multi Ethnic Clique, the Let's Have the Daily Mirror/Socialist Worker/Telegraph in the Staff Room Clique, the Anti Let's Have the Daily Mirror/Socialist Worker, etc. This delicate balance of interests ensures that there is very little likelihood of anything ever happening in staff rooms. If you decide against joining a clique, cultivate a sardonic laugh. Sardonic laughs go a long way in education.

Unions

Teachers' Unions are rather like the Oberammergau Passion Play - there's one produced every ten years and they're all supposed to give thanks for deliverance from some kind of plague or another.

The NUT (National Union of Teachers) and the NAS/UWT (National Association of Schoolmasters and Union of Women Teachers)have a single purpose in life: to run protection rackets for teachers who make the mistake of smacking children whose parents disapprove of that sort of thing.

Nobody in education is quite sure whether AMMA (Assistant Masters and Mistresses Association) has a purpose or not, but everyone agrees that PAT (Professional Association of Teachers) has no purpose whatsoever and that this is why it was set up.

The NAHT (National Association of Head Teachers) is the Bosses'Union, and meets once a year at a seaside resort where it makes Important Pronouncements on Educational