Notes: extreme bad taste. May be hazardous to closed minds. The whole unwholesome plot is mine. Did I say bad taste? Written under the influence of antihistamines and 100-Plus soda (terrible combination, really).

The Snattacats

“Bloody hell, do you think that was necessary?” Draco stared in morbid fascination at the scene unfolding before him.

“Hmph,” his companion grunted tersely.

Draco tore his eyes away from the carnage taking place on the manicured lawns of Potter Manor and stole a sideway glance at the current Lord of the Manor. The young man stood in an arrogant stance; arms crossed over his chest, legs hips width apart. His whole body language screamed of control and dominance. A cool breeze ruffled their hair as they stood within the safety of their ward bubble.

A piercing scream rend the air, shattering the peace and tranquillity of the warm September evening.

“Erm, don’t you think we should stop it?” Draco sounded ill, but his eyes were drawn once again to the gory drama developing not thirty feet away from them. “I could blast that …creature … with one quick spell,” he volunteered.

Harry glared, quelling him with just one look. “Are you suggesting, Draco, to cause bodily damage to my exotic animals?”

Draco threw up his hands in exasperation. “Harry! That demon is tearing your gamekeeper apart. Have you gone blind as well as stupid?!”

“That’s not a demon, Draco, but I’ll be damn before I let anyone kill them.”

“Why?” Draco half-wailed and winced as the creature took a healthy bite at the gamekeeper’s thigh. Something roared; Draco couldn’t tell whether it was the man or the beast.

Harry chuckled ominously, “I so happen to like their skin; it’ll make such an interesting coat don’t you think?”

Draco blanched. “Have you gone mad? Been getting at Father’s Dark Arts books again, have you? Since when did you have this morbid desire for a giant’s skin coat?” Harry opened his mouth to reply, but was cut short as a piece of unspecified anatomy landed with a wet squelch just outside the wards. Draco made a gagging sound and took a step back. “I think I’m going to be sick.” He darted behind a nearby hedge and threw up. Harry shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Several minutes passed. Draco staggered to his side, dabbing at his mouth with a linen hanky. Harry gave his arm a squeeze, “You okay?” Draco made a face. “Hmm, apparently not.”

“Yaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghh!” Hagrid the half-giant bellowed as a creature, the size of a large dog sank its teeth into his fleshy butt. He spun around in a circle, desperately trying to shake the creature off, but it held on doggedly. The creature stuck out at right angle like a spear on Hagrid’s rear. Hagrid toppled backwards in an attempt to squash the creature under his massive bulk, but it was far too nimble and let go just in time. Hagrid landed on his arse with a curse.

“What exactly are those creatures, Harry?” Draco looked aghast as another two creatures appeared out of thin air and harried after the gamekeeper.

Hagrid was kneeling on the ground, swatting at the creature perched upon his upper back as it gnawed at his head industriously.

“Those are Snattacats. Just look at their lovely short black fur and those beautiful yellow stripes. I can’t wait for them to grow full sized so I can get the skin off them,” Harry’s eyes glazed as he fantasised himself in a floor length Gestapo style Snattacat coat.

Draco pointed at the fallen gamekeeper. “Just look at your gamekeeper! Pray tell me, who would take care of those Snattacats once they have finished devouring Hagrid?” he said tartly. “Hey, where have they gone to?” He turned around looking for the creatures.

A muffled yell came from the direction of the ornamental fountain, followed by a loud splash. Harry tugged at his arm, “Come on. I must see this.”

“You are barking mad! How can you remain unconcerned while your pets rip your friend to bits?!” Draco protested as Harry dragged him none too gently by the arm.

Harry stopped in mid-stride and spun to face him. “That’s no friend of mine,” he said coldly, jerking his head towards the direction of the screams. Draco stared at him open-mouthed and blinked in shock. “Come, Draco.” Harry’s tone was firm.

They stopped under the arbour, facing the fountain. Hagrid was wrestling furiously with the trio of Snattacats, who kept flickering in and out of view. He managed to hit a couple of them with an improvised bludgeon but as soon as one Snattacat went down, another took its place.

Harry shouted from behind the ward bubble. “Watch it you stupid oaf! Those cats are valuable – I don’t want a sub-standard coat.”

“Harry!” Draco gasped, scandalised.

Hagrid looked up in shock, and noticed his audience for the first time. He gave an incoherent yell but was distracted when a Snattacat sank its teeth into his crotch. He rolled his eyes and fell face forwards into the fountain with a great splash.

“Oy! Watch it, you blundering fool. Don’t foul my property,” Harry yelled as the trio of Snattacats bounded into the fountain after the half-giant. Draco shouted and waved his arms about as the Snattacats jumped onto a pair of cherub statues frozen in the act of pissing on Voldemort.
They watched in silence as Hagrid battled the Snattacats under the gushing twin spray.

Minutes passed, as the evening wind blew softly across the lawn, ruffling their long hair. Harry manoeuvred Draco to sit on his lap, back to front. He ran his hands in Draco’s long blond tresses (which rivalled Lucius’ and ended midway down his back) and intoned a spell to make it nice and shiny like a Muggle shampoo advert girl’s hair. Draco sat patiently as Harry began braiding sections of his hair into a complicated (yet fetching) style.

“I came across these Snattacats during our excursion into some goddamn forest with your father, remember?” Harry murmured into Draco’s ear as he deftly braided his hair. Draco nodded; he still found it difficult to believe that Lucius had taken a great fondness to Harry and had even started calling him ‘son’. Draco suspected that Harry might have placed a binding charm on the older Malfoy; Harry was a cunning young man after all, and would not allow anything to stand between him and his beloved i.e. Draco himself. “They make loyal if fierce companions; they are man eaters naturally,” Harry chuckled. “Lovely coat, really. And what I like is their ability to turn invisible at will and they do attack without fear.”

“Ow, not too tight,” Draco winced and touched the neat row of braids running from just above his ears down midway of his back. Harry had placed a small golden clip at the end of each braid to secure it. Draco grinned and Harry smiled at him indulgently.

Moments passed and Hagrid’s peril was quickly forgotten.

A blood-curdling scream brought them back to reality and they quickly untangled themselves from each other’s lips and limbs and scrabbled to their feet. “Bloody hell, Hagrid will definitely be needing a wooden leg like Mad-Eye Moody's,” Draco averted his eyes as a Snattacat dashed away with its prize clamped in its slobbering jaws.

“Good,” Harry grinned as he wrapped an arm around Draco’s waist, the fingers of his free hand deftly unbuttoning Draco’s shirt. Draco slapped his hand away.

“Stop it, you randy git,” he scolded in mock anger. Another scream rend the air; the water in the fountain was rapidly turning crimson. Hagrid lay immobile face down in the water. “Plus an arm.” He paused. “Make that two legs. Harry, I feel sick,” Draco whined plaintively.

Harry gripped him tightly. “Look closely, Draco, and observe.” His voice was low and sinister. “Snattacats always devour their prey legs first. Do you know why?” Draco shook his head and shivered as he felt Harry’s lips brush against his ear. “So that they can watch his expression as they feed on him.”

Draco felt the hair on his nape rise. Harry creeped him out sometimes – one moment they could be shagging their brains out and the next moment Harry would be blasting monsters and misguided Death Eaters into oblivion without breaking his stride.

“Harry, attend,” Draco pulled Harry’s roving hand out of his trousers. “Your gamekeeper and friend is being eaten alive on our front lawn!”

“Serves him right,” Harry said lazily.

“WHAT?!” Draco spun around and found himself gazing into a pair glittering green eyes. Green eyes that shone with amusement and satisfaction. Draco felt his chest constrict in terror.

“Trust me, love. Observe carefully,” Harry gripped his arms and turned him around gently. He held Draco lightly around the waist, and ran his free hand in his braided hair. “Watch.”

Draco cringed as the pack of Snattacats went invisible and started to devour the now very dead Hagrid. Had it been a late night B-grade horror flick on cable TV (oh, Harry insisted on having the latest audio-visual equipment installed in Potter Manor), it would have been hilarious to see the mangled body being dragged out of the fountain by the invisible creatures and disappear chunk by solid chuck – but to have it live on the front lawn… Draco buried his face in his hands and let out a soft moan.

“All righ’, Harry?” a familiar voice jerked Draco out of his shock.

“Hagrid!” Draco sounded relieved, and then his brows creased in bewilderment. Harry grinned at the half-giant towering over them both.

“Hullo, Hagrid. Back so soon?” Harry said, looking up.

Hagrid nodded and peered at Draco. “Yeh all righ’, Mister Malfoy?” Draco nodded weakly.
Hagrid reached out to pat his head, but decided against it. He withdrew his hand and stuffed it into his all-season moleskin jacket. A commotion made him look up. “Bloody hell, Harry! Did you let those Snattacats out?” He let out a colourful curse and lumbered after the creatures.

“Guilty as charged,” Harry called after him. Draco turned in the circle of his arms and linked his arms around Harry’s neck. He stared at young man thoughtfully.

“Security breach again?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Harry nodded, pulled Draco up and they strolled across the lawn.

They stared at the mangled body.

They stared at it for a long time.

They tried not to look at it but were drawn to the gruesome spectacle like Muggles were drawn to a multi-vehicle pile-up.

A semi-transparent apparition floated out of the corpse. It looked eerily like Hagrid except for the look of terminal constipation on its face. Then the features changed into a stocky middle-aged man with a flat nose, rubbery lips and heavy jowls. It looked at its discorporeal limbs (which remained intact in death) and shook its head in defeat.

Draco’s eyes widened. “Isn’t that Poncy Wonse from the Cloak and Dagger?”

“Yeah,” Harry leaned forward, and hissed Boo! at the apparition. It gave a startled silent shriek and dissipated into the ether. Harry draped an arm casually around Draco’s shoulder, steering him away as a group of house-elves began the grim task of removing the body. “These thieving ex-Death Eaters never really learn, do they? And they are getting sloppier with their polyjuice potion,” he remarked casually.

“How did you know it wasn’t Hagrid?”

Harry gave him a mischievous grin, “Didn’t you notice? His rockbun did not embed itself in the cabin door when I threw it.”

Draco elbowed him in the ribs playfully. “Really? Just that one minor clue was enough to warrant a death sentence?” He angled his body and pulled at Harry’s matching braids teasingly. Harry stopped mid-stride and gripped his chin lightly. He ran his fingers slowly on Draco’s cheek.

“No,” he said at length. “I did not like the way he was looking at you.” Draco looked up, startled. Harry bent close to his ear and whispered silkily, “It did not matter who it was, love. You are mine, and mine alone.”

Draco flushed prettily and smiled that smile at his possessive lover. “That was truly sweet, Harry,” he breathed sexily. Harry grinned as Draco kissed him none too chastely in full view of the semi-scandalised house-elves. Draco pulled away, gave Harry’s braids a tug and ran across the lawn. He glanced over his shoulder and stuck his tongue out impudently.

Harry snickered and sprinted after him.

They barely made it to the arbour.

© Zed Adams ; 03rd January 2003.