The Mandy in question is Mandy Moore. Age 16. Green eyes. 5'10" tall. Frequently sports bright colors like cutesy baby chick yellow and Barbie pink.
If you didn't already know her, you'd probably guess that she's a teen pop princess which is, of course, correct. On a side note: if you've never heard of her, you've somehow managed to cut television out of your life and I duly applaud you for it.
This girl was plastered all over MTV even before anyone knew who she was. And somehow she's become the station's darling, appearing on every show. She fills in for Carson Daly on TRL. She judges Say What? Karaoke. She's present for all the Summer beach house specials, and New Year's celebrations. They even gave her her own make-over shows. I'm surprised MTV didn't shove her on this season's Real World. I could just picture it. Episode 1: Mandy calls out in her squeaky voice, "I call the room with the biggest bed so my stuffed animals can fit on it." Episode 3: Mandy looks quizzically at the gay guy, "You don't find me even remotely cute?". Episode 7: "Oww! I broke a nail playing pool!" Episode 12: "I am a recording artist! I shouldn't have to clean the toilet!"
And she's a Neutrogena poster child. 'Nuff said.
In perfect media fashion, I am now going to critize her weight. I'm sick of the obsession with fat too. But Mandy is skinny like a stork, and she flaps around like she's about to take flight in her dance number from the "Candy" video.
But my biggest qualm is her exaggerated cuteness. The girl needs to take a sedative to relax her facial muscles. In every shot of every video, she has this smug look on her face, like she's so proud of her girlie image and newfound stardom. Lips pouting and eyebrows stretching midway to her hairline, she sings with the contorted gestures of a cartoon character reaching orgasm. Besides Elvis-esque lip twitching, the worst facial tick by far is her super-lively, popping eyes, that she'll tilt towards the ceiling in a pondering stare when she cocks her head to the side. Yuck! And the way her chin bobs up and down with every Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very irking.
I just know she was one of those annoying little child talents, born with the sensory gift of knowing when a camera is focused on her. Believe me, her adorable little ability to pose is an innate gift.
And I just can't help but derive an evil glee at the thought of taking a machete to her stuffed animals.