Mariah Carey - "Boy (I Need You)"

Okay ... lets take everything we know about Japanese culture and cram it into a video even if it makes no sense. Ready, set, GO!

For starters we've got Mariah's "anime servant," a little spikey-haired cartoon that primps and clothes and applies the perfect slathering of orange lipgloss. This not only conveys their lovely animation style but also the subservience of the good ole Japanese people.

Then there's the high-rise Tokyo apartment complex she lives in which is, of course, being attacked by a Godzilla-esque monster. Surprizingly, the video lacks throngs of panic-striken Japanese people. Who missed that one? They should be fired.

Then we have a sterile office setting where attempts to develop a plot miserably fail. I'm assuming that the plot was that an undercover agent with the Tokyo police is trying to catch some guy doing an unspecified illegal activity.

And when I saw the miniature faery child with headphones dancing on Mariah's hand, I peed my pants from the laughter and vomited from the discust. It was the randomess thing I've ever seen.

There's Mariah sipping a strange fruit drink smoothie, and Mariah in Asian print jacket, and Mariah driving a car because we all know that all cars come from Japan.

There's a return of evil Mariah from the "Heartbreaker" video. Who cares.

The undercover agent tracks down the suspect in the unspecified illegal activities and apprehends him with, what else, a samaurai sword. And as they battle with swords on a rooftop like all Japanese people do in physical confrontations, they turn into a Ultima Fighter-style video game.

And with one last shot of a random anime reworking of the video's characters, the most attrocious bastardization of Japan is complete.

Um, Ms. Aguilara? You're missing the crotch of your pants. Just thought you should know.

With her come-back video "Dirrty", Christina makes Britney's "I'm a Slave 4 U" look like a Disney movie.

The vid starts with a skanky (but considerably less skanky than she was in the "Moulin Rouge" video) Christina who is wearing leather chaps and red panties.

Before we even get to the chorus we are treated to so much raw sexuality. Wham bam! Every shot! Christina spreading her thighs! Christina on a bumpy motorcycle seat!

She rides said motorcycle amid a subterranean throng of sweaty, tan men who are whooping and hollering at her like a stripper. She then steps into a cage and is lowered into a boxing ring like the wild sex animal she is.

Whoever pitched this video to Aguilara probably convinced her it would be empowering to have female boxing, but with the cage and hollering men, it looks like she's just a spectacle there for male amusement.

The video drags on, more skin, more thrusting, more of Christina's butt turned up into the air and her micro-mini skirts sagging below her troll-like belly.

Then we get to the "girls dancing in the shower" scene where Christina is felt up by an orgy-full of backup dancers and I have to turn off the TV because my dog has a hard-on.

If you didn't see the MTV awards show where she performed this song with a phallic snake wrapped around her shoulders, then you can't appreciate the relative timidity in which she conducts her sluttiness in this video.

The concept is simple: Brit and others are trapped in some South-east Asian complex on a warm summer day of around 110 degrees.

Only their slave-like addiction to dancing can cool them down, which actually makes sense because when you work up a sweat dancing, the beads of persperation evaporate off you, creating a "cooling" effect. Ahhhh.

It doesn't occur to Brit that she should just get naked to cool off, but then she wouldn't get to wear her cool tattered pink top and matching cod piece over her pants that are so tight they cut off the circulation to her feet.

This would explain why she barely moves her legs in the video and just kind of wobbles around.

I did find symbolism in the clip which features Brit wobbling in front of a wall of empty Alhambra water bottles which, get this, resemble mammaries. They do! Watch the video! It's like a wall of boobs! I was so shocked at this subtle homage to female anatomy that I am dubbing it and others of it's kind a "boobic symbol" (the female phallic symbol).

The "climax" of the video, however, is the orgiastic panting scenes where Britney is lost is a sea of sweaty, tan body parts.

Brit's tremendous dancing abilities awaken the gods of rain as all her friends rush past her and outside to catch a gulp. Ms. Spears, however, is content to keep on dancing (besides, her personal assistant will get her a bottle of Evian once the take is done).

Moulin Rouge - "Lady Marmalade"

I have one thing to say about this video. Someone, please, take Christina Aguilara's makeup away from her! She needs to go on eyeshadow probation!

Britney Spears - "Stronger"

It's the lost Madonna video! It's soft porn! No, it's Britney! If you thought the VMA's were naughty, the video to "Stronger" is a routine stolen from Kitty at your local gentleman's club. I counted a total of eight blatant crotch shots. Eight. How dirty is the director? Britney's all thinking, "He's closing in on my pretty little face right now" while Joeseph Kahn is thanking the choreographer for having her spread her legs so much and zooming in on every chance he gets.

Well, you have to admit, Brit straddling a chair does symbolize female empowerment. She kicks the chair around, manipulates it, shoves her hand through it, stands on it, wiggles her butt while she stands on it, points her finger at it, (SEXUAL INNUENDO ALERT) gets pinned down by it, runs into it with her car. It's really a modern re-working of the classic tale of a girl and her chair.

Britney's really dark in this video, with her tattered lacey goth outfit and her dominatrix chair dance. This is not the same girl that fluttered around on a pier wearing white for the "Sometimes" video. Why'd you have to get all angry, Brit?

Maybe all this sexual/feminine angst is a result of her boyfriend leaving her at the begining of the video. She gazes at him perplexedly, wondering how he could do this to her, and feeling all her inner rage boil up inside she finally bursts into a teen taunt of "Whatever", and then she goes and humps furniture.

Alright partner keep on rollin’/Baby you know what time it is." Yes, Fred. I know what time it is. It's time to change the station. Or at least that's what I say every hour on the hour when they play the Bizkit's latest hit on the radio. So consequently, it's time for another round of Fred Durst mocking.

I might be okay with just listening to the song, but noooooo. Fred lends his directing talents to compose another Bizkit-esque video for "Rollin'".

Typical day in the life of Fred Durst: whinning, hitting speed dial #6 to talk to Carson on TRL, and chillin' on a street corner bench. The fun starts on one of these bench-chillin' days when low and behold, Ben Stiller happens upon Fred and mistakes him for a valet, throwing the keys to his swanky car to Fred. Being the mischievious little rock star he is, he sets out on a "rollin'" adventure.

In between adventure shots, we meet the Nookie Girls, all decked out in Fred gear. On a similar subject, you know how rock stars all have that insignia item that they will be remembered for? John Lennon had the glasses, Janis Joplin had those feathers, Kurt Cobain had that green sweater, and Fred has that goddamn red hat! If he wears that hat one more time, I'll rip it off his fair head, burn it, and bury it 60 feet under ground. And now in this video, there were 9 girls donning that hat. He's a slave to that image, that Hanes T-shirt, those khakis and that red baseball cap. And seeing millions of adolescent boys wearing that Durst ensemble is like free advertising for "Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water". And don't even get me started on the name. Is this like Limp Bizkit's concept album or something?

Now let me teach you the steps to the Starfish Roll, or what I refer lovingly to "The Monkey Dance". Feel free to repeat the steps along with me at home: Move in, now move out. Hands up, now hands down, back up, back up, tell me what you want to do now. Breathe in, now breathe out, hands up, now hands down ... Fred, you may as well be a Backstreet Boy because, my friend, this video stinks of choreography. But I've never seen a boy band flailing around like chimpanzees and grabbing their khaki crotches.

The only good thing about this video was a ghettofied Wes g-funking around town.

About nine months from now, look out in the news for accounts from several women claiming to have given birth to Ricky Martin's baby because I'm sure like, 50 women were impregnated while shooting "She Bangs".

Besides the sex, sex, sex, the video takes place in arguably the coolest nightclub, an under the sea Atlantis-type hotspot that Ricky swims to. Now, this is not the type of place where Ariel, Sebastian and Flounder, or any other Disney character would be invited. Scraps of fabric are the clothing of choice and I swear if you view the video by freeze frame, there would be lots of nippleage. One scene was particularly saucy. It involved a kailidoscope effect with all these bodiless hands roving around Ricky's Adonis-like terrain. And just to get us teetering on the edge of our seats, Ricky's pants were undone, just one click of the zipper away from revealing his little menudo.

The effects were pretty neat. Shots of Ricky and other dancers writhing underwater were set over the dryland club shots so that it looked like the whole club was in the water. But then they ruined it by adding a cheesy CGI mermaid, so nevermind.

In one part we see these bodies gyrating behind this four-sided white screen. Then Ricky was hostily grabbed and pulled into this "orgy tank". What happened in the orgy tank? You'll have to watch the video. But somebody was probably impregnated.

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