Aries |
March 21 - April 19
Ruling Album: Pele |
The Richter scale is showing some instability, through only minor because your ruling song for May is "Little Earthquakes". It's a good year for hunters, and you are one Aries, but things may get a little shaky because you are now the prey, the yellow bird that gets shot in the wing. By the end of the month you'll be singing, "Give me myself again". On the 4th, you and the other flowers in life will be competing for the sun, don't set your dreams on the shelf. On the 20th, your higher power will bake you a cake and make you whole again. The 7th brings confusion with your own Mr. or Mrs. Crocodile. |
Taurus |
April 20 - May 20
Ruling Album: Earthquake |
You may have recently lost something, maybe a lover. He or she has moved on, you can't, and you've "Caught a Lite Sneeze". While your pretty hate machine manufactures your pain and self-loathing, it's time to unplug it and stop blaming yourself. You've rented your lover's "wife and kids" but return the video's before there's a late fee. It's time to stop dwelling and quit dragging your foots. The 8th you'll feel extremely trapped, but you can still go to Barbados in your mind. The 10th you'll find someone's been pissing in the river of your strength.
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Gemini |
May 21 - June 20
Ruling Album: Pink
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It's something you wanted but now you're not so sure and you want to run to "Mother". Leaving means you'll be without a safety net, just tuck your ribbons under your helmut and you'll do fine. And remember to ask someone to leave the light on. On the 19th, a comment will prompt you to start a doughnut hole diet. Beware of beautiful Christian boys on the 26th, you don't have to run after them: they're not that precious, and who needs a turned ankle. A "friend" will try to make you feel like you've commited a crime, but on the 12th, get your raspberry swirled anyway.
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Cancer |
June 21 - July 22
Ruling Album: Choirgirl |
This month, others in your family and circle of friends will criticize and judge you for who you are. In their eyes you're a whore (figuratively or maybe not, only you know), but you aren't ashamed of being a "Playboy Mommy". You may have fallen in your platforms, and that won't help your brain out, so feel, don't think. And if you are shunned from them, remember, from here to Birmingham you've got a few friends. Let the garbage truck save you from what you've got to say on the 10th, it's just not the right time. But you can't stop what's coming on the 20th. On the 8th, well, just remember you're not a helicopter, but your not a cop out either, honey.
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Leo |
July 23 - August 22
Ruling Album: Pele |
You're on a spiritual high this month. Too bad you won't be in your body to enjoy it cause you're the "Happy Phantom". This month you can afford to wear your naughties like a jewel, hey - no one can see you. And you can do no wrong, so do your crossword just like Confucius. Regarding what will happen on the 12th, in a sense, you're still innocent, so if you jump, jump far ... really far. Wear Shiseido red when you do it.
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Virgo |
August 23 - September 22
Ruling Album: Earthquake |
Whoa Virgo! You're at once the non-chalant master of breakups and the vulnerable heartbreakee. This month you are the "Professional Widow" but you know the power that they have with that "Tear in Your Hand". You aren't a starfucker, but among the different constituents inside you, you may find the pieces of yourself they've never seen. Strike a deal with the Congressman and you'll see. And in the process of striking a deal, reclaim that tear, it better be big. Keep this in mind on the 12th: we soon forget the things we cannot see. On the 7th you'll remember those who have been the little blubber in your igloo. You'll get your lipgloss boost from them. |
Libra |
September 23 - October 22
Ruling Album: Pink |
You thought it was a good solution, hanging with the raisun girls. But soon you'll join the "Cornflake Girls" on the other side. Be forewarned: It'll take a nice price, but you will give up your encyclopedia. Things will get kind of gross. But I think you'll kind of like it. On the 6th you'll hate all the elevator music around you, so you'll have to find a way to button up buttons who've forgotten they're buttons; in other words, find a way to cope. Someone will be new to you on the 7th, wrap them in your papoose. You'll dive in the thoughts you thought you'd never tell on the 9th. |
Scorpio |
October 23 - November 21
Ruling Album: Choirgirl |
It's all so new and exciting, you'll meet "Talula", the glitter girl who's going to whisk you away, so say goodbye to the old world. And for all the crazy and bizarre things you will see, it will all be worth loosing if it is worth something. You'll find out even angels have nice big fat cigars on the 12th. You'll misplace the keys on the 11th. Put on your makeup, you're your favorite stranger on the 5th.
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Sagittarius |
November 22 - December 20
Ruling Album: Pele |
"Hey Jupiter" is your ruling song this month. And you look it. The feelings you have have big feet, and their boots have left a mess all over your soul. You'll call and call, but no one's picking up the phone. It's your nature to lift up your dress, but remember that no one's on the other end, just you and you. The Good Book is missing some pages, find them on the 11th. The 17th, your pianos will try to be guitars.
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Capricorn |
December 21 - January 19
Ruling Album: Earthquake |
This month you'll find that division inside you, that one that can be "Cruel". The object of your sharp hatred cock-cock-cocks their mane and makes you want to scream. Don't let your anger take control, try to make your ballon stay up, though it is windy. And be honest, you want a puff off the Havanas too. The 18th you'll be looking for the biggest thing there'll be this year, you'll find it in a guess world. It won't be fair to hate on the 8th, but you can't hide a hundred girls in your hair.
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Aquarius |
January 20 - February 18
Ruling Album: Pink |
You are trapped in "Pandora's Aquarium" this month. And while it's stiffling to have tape across your mouth and an uncanny resemblance to a mythical goddesses, you'll feel liberated later. Your past will come rippling back to you. The eternal footman has bought himself a bike, the 25th is the first day of the race. Give Judas a try on the 12th. All you are is a cage if you kill the bird. Don't pluck feathers on the 13th. |
Pisces |
February 19 - March 20
Ruling Album: Choirgirl |
Here's the story of the month, "Northern Lad". A new person will come in a sweep you off your feet. You'll think things will be okay, but around the end of the month, you'll realize that it's time to turn the page. You're only wet because of the rain falling all around you. Make sure to go to the secret places one more time. Winter will come really early, on the 6th exactly, and it'll take one more cherry tree from your grove. Keep your 9 iron in the back seat, just in case, you'll need it on the 13th.
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Pop On Home
Let Tori be your spiritual svengali, your redheaded shaman at the Bosendorfer piano, if you will. And who better to do it? She's in touch with the otherworldly realm that makes up the landscape of her vivid and sometimes (well, most times) cryptic songs. And she knows faeries. So using my elaborate and completely contrived method for reading Tori's first four solo albums, I can divine what will happen in your life, and whether or not you and a convicted killer like the same ice cream.