I’m more than half-done with this fic now.
At least I think I am.
Funny, how the song never seems so long whenever I listen to it.
Anyway, standard disclaimers apply and
comments are always welcome.
Just please be nice about it. ^_^
SOMETIMES WHEN WE TOUCH
At times I’d like to break you
And drive you to your knees
Kurama
Three simple words...
And my soul shatters like crystal.
Hiei...
Why do you hurt me so?
I felt a single tear involuntarily slide down my cheek.
I made no motion to brush it away.
My hands remained motionless at my sides
and my feet were planted firmly on the floor.
I stood there in silence, calm and unmoving.
I could feel my heart clenching painfully in my chest;
inflicting sharp, insistent stabs of pain unto my being
with every rhythmic beat.
A persistent throbbing ache from within...
numbing my senses...luring me into a dark,
churning abyss. A familiar one.
One that I feared falling into, and one that I never
wanted to fall into again.
But I am falling...It’s happening all over again.
The pain...the rejection...everything’s the same as before.
The same as what happened that night.
The night Hiei said he didn’t love me.
The night he said goodbye.
The night he went out my window...out my life.
I felt more tears springing to my eyes, blurring my vision.
Miniature springs trickling down my cheeks.
I could live with the fact that Hiei had rejected me.
That he had left me.
And it doesn’t matter that he had shattered my heart in the process.
But does he really have to do it all over again?
The past repeats itself. Yes, I am aware of that.
But why does it have to be so soon?
A sob escaped my throat, jolting me back to my senses.
I realized that I was still staring into a pair of garnet eyes.
Deep, crimson orbs...probably the richest shade of scarlet I
had ever laid my sight upon.
Dark, ruby gems that had always seemed to blaze with an
unquenchable flame...passionate and mysterious.
Illuminated by a radiance, the intensity of which,
always managed to draw mw to its warmth.
A radiance that I...that I couldn’t see at the moment.
Hiei stared back at me with unreadable eyes, revealing no emotion.
Not even the faintest indication of his thoughts, his feelings,
or that he could even feel anything at all.
Do you really don’t care Hiei?
Do you really hate me so much?
I tried to search his face, tried to read his expression.
Leave. He said. Should I? Should I just walk away?
Walk away from his room? His castle? His world? His life?
Perhaps. Perhaps I should.
After all, he hates me.
Hiei hates me. Hiei...hates...me.
I felt my brows knit in confusion. But why?
I don’t understand.
In spite of everything that has happened.
In spite of the time, the distance, the rejection, the pain...
He was still my best friend.
And somehow...I knew. I knew in my heart.
That I was still his friend as well.
No time, no distance, no pain could weaken the bond we shared.
Our friendship was one of the few things I strongly believed in.
And I knew that Hiei did as well.
I hate you.
The words had indeed come from his lips.
Cold, harsh and cruel.
But somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to believe them.
I couldn’t bring myself to turn away and leave like he told me to.
Though I had no assurance that I was thinking clearly anymore
or that my affection was merely making me refuse to accept the truth...
still I knew deep inside that Hiei didn’t mean those words.
I know him too well.
Slowly, I took a shaky breath and brushed my tears away
with the back of my hand.
I don’t know if it was the intensity of my feelings for him
that gave me the courage or if it was just stupidity and desperation.
Nevertheless, I managed to stare into his eyes again and
opened my mouth to speak.
“I don’t believe you.” I saw shock flash through his eyes.
“What?” He whispered through gritted teeth.
I swallowed a lump in my throat.
The courage I felt before wavered for a moment,
and uncertainty raced through my senses.
But no, there’s no backing down now.
I took a deep breath and repeated my words.
“I don’t believe you.”
This time, the shock vanished from his eyes replaced by
something of similar intensity.
An intensity I could not determine.
Was it anger? Frustration?
His eyes narrowed and he stepped towards me,
with his face only inches from mine.
“Are you calling me a liar?”
I felt my eyes widen and panic surged through me.
“No! I didn’t say that Hiei!” I protested.
“But you said you didn’t believe me, didn’t you?”
He continued.
“That’s not what I meant!” Please don’t get angry.
Please don’t get angry. I prayed silently.
Although I had the dread feeling that he already was.
“Then what do you mean?” I could sense the challenge in his voice.
Like he was daring me to speak up,
to share my thoughts, my feelings...
just so that he could trample them again.
It was like he was looking for another chance to hurt me.
But why? Why do you want to hurt me Hiei?
“Well?” He prompted.
Indecision was racing through my mind.
Should I risk being hurt again?
Is it worth going through more torture for the sake of trying to tear
down his barriers? Is it worth it? Is he worth it?
I searched his eyes and my heart told me the answer.
Yes, of course he is. He is worth everything to me.
Hiei is worth...everything.
I steeled myself and fought to face the intensity of his gaze.
I could feel my heart pounding furiously in my chest.
I knew that this could very well be my last chance.
A final opportunity to tear down his impregnable fortress
and break down his defenses.
I also knew that such a risk could only have two possible outcomes.
I could either succeed in overcoming his barriers...
and finally bask in the radiance hidden deep within them—or I could fail.
And this time, failure meant that I would lose him.
That I would lose Hiei.
Forever.
Fear gripped my senses.
Forever? Could I live without him for the rest of my life?
Could I endure losing Hiei?
We had only been apart for a couple of years and I already miss him terribly.
What would I do without him for an entire lifetime?
However...I already am losing him.
But if I took this chance then perhaps, even if I failed,
I might be able to live with the reassurance that I did my best.
That I did everything I could not to lose him.
Perhaps I could survive with that.
Yes, perhaps I could.
“Hiei...” I began, speaking as calmly as I could.
“I know you. I know you more than you think I do.
And I know that this isn’t you.
This is not the Hiei that I know.
For the Hiei that I know is probably the most wonderful person
I have met and would ever have the chance of meeting.
An honorable warrior...a courageous ally...a loyal comrade...a warm,
affectionate friend. My best friend.
The person I trust most and the one I care about.
The person I’d fight for...and the one I’d gladly die for as well.
The person I’ve given my heart to...
the one that I—that I fell in love with.”
I peered into his eyes, trying to reach him.
“That’s you Hiei. Please. Stop pushing me away.
Stop shutting me out.” I pleaded.
“Please Hiei. Let me in.”
“Let me in...”
He looked away.
There was a momentary silence before he took slow,
deliberate steps around me until he was at my back.
Slowly, I turned around to face him.
I saw uncertainty cross his features, a slight crack in his ice-cold facade.
I felt a glimmer of hope flicker inside me.
Is it possible?
Could I have finally succeeded in tearing down his barriers?
Could I have—
“Maybe you never knew me at all.”
My heart stopped and the spark of hope vanished in an instant.
“No one has ever broken through my walls kitsune.
My own twin sister couldn’t accomplish that.
What gives you the audacity to think I’d turn my whole life
around just for you?”
He took a step forward. “You think you’re so special?
You think giving that little speech of yours would make me fall at your feet?
I may not be as smart or experienced as you are,
but I am not an imbecile Kurama.
ou cannot make a fool out of me with your lies!”
Frustration was building up inside me.
“That’s not true Hiei! I would never lie to you!”
I could feel hot tears behind my eyes.
“I really do love you Hiei! Can’t you see that?!
I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care about you!
I wouldn’t go through all this torture if you meant nothing to me!”
“And you expect me to believe that?!” He scoffed.
“How could someone like you ever be capable of love?
Huh, Kurama? Have you forgotten what you are?”
I felt despair stir in my consciousness.
Please don’t do this.
“Let me remind you kitsune.”
His eyes turned cold once again.
“You’re a lying, cheating bastard.
An arrogant, self-centered thief who’d willingly sacrifice
his comrades and shatter other people’s lives
for his own selfish ambitions.”
That’s not true, Hiei. You know that isn’t true.
“Someone who doesn’t care who he steps on just to get what he wants.”
Please Hiei, stop it. Please stop.
“Someone who has slept with so many people
he can’t even remember them all!”
I covered my ears with my hands.
Stop it! Stop it!
“And now he tells me, he loves me.”
He let out a cruel chuckle.
“What’s the matter Kurama, can’t find someone to fuck?!”
“STOP IT!!!”
My hand flung out and before I knew what had happened,
my palm connected with his cheek, throwing his face sideways.
The sound reverberated throughout the room for several
moments before it was replaced by a deafening silence.
I slapped him.
Shakily, I took a step backward.
And another.
I knew very well what was to be outcome of my action.
However, I felt that I no longer had the will to fight.
I don’t think that I even had the will to run for that matter.
Or even the will to live.
Thus, I stood.
Waiting for his actions.
After what seemed like an eternity,
he turned his head towards me.
Fiery garnet orbs piercing mine.
His eyes narrowed and he took a step forward,
closing the distance between us.
I braced myself to receive the blow I knew was coming.
I closed my eyes. And...
Soft lips brushed lightly against my own
and I felt strong arms envelope me,
pressing me against a warm, muscular body.
Hungry lips drank greedily of mine...
willing me to succumb to a fiery embrace...
setting my senses ablaze.
He’s kissing me?!
Oh my God, he’s kissing me!
To be continued...
(
geocities.com/reikaitantei)