Oh No! Not Again! December, 1997

by Kim Sproul

I missed my first hockey game this year on November 13th. It wasn't that I wanted to, but I couldn't figure out a way not to. I did run to my car as soon as I released my class and tried to tune the game in, but I was WAY out of range and I could only catch a word or two here and there.

I did almost run off the road once when Kyle said, "Lupo tries to slap one past MacDonald!"

I miss one game and look what happens! I did eventually figure out there were two MacDonalds that night, but it did give me a start.

I decided the best way to console myself about missing that game was to make the trip to Jacksonville the next night. So...

Dash out of Bainbridge to pick up Lori and Kristin.

Discover April in the parking lot. Feel sorry for her and offer her a ride.

Find the non-English speaking parking lot attendant again. Wonder why she wants to know if we're going to the hockey game. Wonder if the parking fee would be less than $5 if we had answered "No."

Try to buy seats behind the bench or near the goal we defend twice.

Get accosted by the Lizard Thing. Tell him I have permission to hurt him so clear out of my way. It worked.

Marvel at the man with his face painted like a Lizard. Wonder if he's really a member of some has been 70's rock band.

Discover our seats are behind the Lizard King bench and no where near our goal. In fact, we couldn't even see one of the goals very well.

Get really irritated when I realize I've paid $5 to park and $13 for a seat with a bad view.

Decide the next person that complains about the ticket and parking prices in Tallahassee should be automatically banished to Jacksonville.

Meet an incredibly nice Lizard King fan. He even offered to do popcorn and soda runs for us.

Wonder why there are no announcements other than on the matrix board. Decide it's a close captioned hockey game.

Get annoyed at all the Jacksonville fans arriving unfashionably late and blocking our view.

Tell Lori to bite her tongue when the usher hits her.

Notice Aaron has pink hair. Try to decide if 1) he's been a guest at the Ingraham Institute of Hair Design, 2) it's some kind of cruel rookie initiation ritual or 3) he did that to himself on purpose.

Make mental note to consult with Frosty the next time I lighten my hair.

Notice our players celebrating. Decide we must have scored a goal. Stand and cheer.

Meet some really RUDE fans. Decide it's hard to take an insult seriously from someone who is drooling cheese dip.

Jacksonville scores a goal and the P.A. system starts working. Coincidence?

Tallahassee goal #2 scored by Kale Ingram and E.J. Enga. I swear we get a new player every time we go to Jacksonville!

Tallahassee goal #3 scored by Elgin. Your guess is as good as mine. Tjallden maybe?

Meet Jacksonville's answer to the Shark Lady. Be equally impressed.

Try to find their Booster Club. Find one of their flyers inviting us to join, but it had no address and no phone number. I couldn't join if I wanted to.

Notice that the Memorial Coliseum smells like tuna.

Watch the Powerade chugging contest. Decide it would take a whole lot more than a T-shirt to get me to chug one of those.

Be impressed that it took until the second period for the first "you suck" sign appear.

Get goal #4. April gets so excited that she threw her cyberpet. Decide it's a good thing she doesn't have kids.

Have the game interrupted for the ice dancing competition. Expect to hear an announcement that the pair of O'Grady and Perrott will be doing the tango for the compulsory portion of the competition.

Resume the game.

Watch the free dance competition. See O'Grady and Perrott disqualified for an illegal lift. They were good, but they're no Torvill and Dean.

Find the Booster Club. Read their newsletter. Discover that the Lizard Kings will be signing autographs in the men's fragrances department at Dillard's the next day.

Try to imagine certain T -Sharks doing this.

Watch the Lizard King equipment manager sew Perrott back together.

Be very disappointed with the outcome of the game.

Try to leave and get held hostage by some man demanding to know if Pat Cavanagh still plays for the Tiger Sharks, and if not, where is he. Tell him I had only recently heard of this person and I haven't the slightest idea of who or where he is, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't a Tiger Sharks.

Try to escape or at least turn and face my captor. Get asked if Mike Cavanagh still plays for the Tiger Sharks and if not where is he. Reply "No, I don't know and LET ME GO!"

Get propositioned in the parking lot.

Roll a stop sign and get kicked out of the Fin-Atics for breaking the law.

Go to the world's slowest McDonald's and get propositioned again.

Get reinstated in the Fin-Atics.

Get passed by the team bus. They left us like we were rolling backwards.

Decide that the first one of us to win the lottery will buy an official Fin-Atics bus complete with bunks and driver for these late night trips.