From Toshiya With Love

by Arashi

Part 5

*Dear XX

Same tour bus, same quiet tranquility. The sun is almost completely
up, and the sky's getting brighter. I wonder how everyone can sleep
so soundly… I just got up, still entangled in Shinya's embrace. We
haven't moved all night. I took place in another bed and started
writing. Kaoru looks so peaceful. I wish I could just run my fingers
along his cheekbone, so delicately...then in his hair…it smells so
good… And then I'd bend down and brush my lips to his. He'd wake up,
he would not push me away, he'd… STOP!! These are not the kind of
fantasies I can write here…now…

My eyes move to Shinya… I'm so afraid of what things are going to be
between us now. Last night was atrocious. Well, not completely. I
mean, I'm happy I could make Shin-chan feel better.. I don't regret
that moment, it was so sweet, so tender… If I only could have kept it
secret… Now, I'm scared of facing Kaoru… I'm not sure how to act with
Shinya…

Some guardian angel I make…I was supposed to help Shinya go out with
Die, but all I managed to do is making Shinya think he's in love with
me.

Toshiya*

***

Toshiya closed his diary, tucking it quietly back into his suitcase.
He then moved slowly toward Die's bed, careful not to wake anyone. He
contemplated the red head for a moment, then sneaked his cold hand
under the mass of hair, putting a pressure on the back of his neck.
Soon enough Die woke up with a start.

"Remove your hand," he grumbled, looking half-dead, unmoving save
from his mouth.

Toshiya teasingly slid his hand down Dies' shoulders, until Die's
back jerked up, his eyes throwing a sleepy but murderous glare.

"Ohayou," Toshiya said cheerfully, finally snatching his hand
away. "How are you?"

"I'd be in a better mood if you just led me sleep," he muttered, but
it was too late, he was wide-awake already. He sat up, and Toshiya
took place beside him.

"Ne, Die," he said, unconsciously hogging Die's blanket, "Do you want
to spend the evening with me? We haven't seen each other often enough
lately… It'd be nice."

"And you woke me up just to tell me that?"

Toshiya stuck his tongue out.

"Just kidding."

"Yeah, well," Toshiya added, "also… there's something on my mind…lots
of things actually… So maybe we could talk…"

"No problem. I haven't really seen my little Toshiya in a long time…"

A movement was heard and Shinya's head peaked out from under his
blanket, looking sleepily at the two friends. *Nice,* he thought
absently. *My two favorite people in the world.* The thought wasn't
sarcastic. He dismissed it and yawned discretely.
"Ohayou," he said sleepily.

Both men turned to face him. Die replied with a little hesitation,
wondering if Shinya was addressing him too. Toshiya exclaimed an over
cheerful `ohayou', then bit his tongue and gave a hesitant, but
friendly smile. He caught Shinya's eye and the younger man looked
away shyly, yesterday's event rushing back to his memory.

"Won't you join us?" Toshiya asked after a hesitation, patting on an
empty space left on the seat. Die looked up into Shinya's eyes,
unaware of the expectant look on his own face. The drummer shook his
head.

"I'm gonna disturb you," he objected, head resting on a pillow, face
turned in the direction of his two band mates. "Just gonna sleep some
more," he said, shutting his eyes.

Toshiya pouted and walked to Shinya's side, crouching beside him,
followed by Die's curious eyes. Feeling his presence, Shinya looked
at him, embarrassed. Toshiya put his arms on the seat and rested his
chin on his hands, his face dangerously close to Shinya's.

"Please, not so close…" Shinya whispered, lowering his face so that
his bang hid his reddening face.

"Hey, don't be embarrassed, I'm just checking if you're feeling
okay," Toshiya said in a hushed voice.

"I think I'm the one who should be doing that," Shinya replied
quietly, guiltily. "I just about screwed it for you last night."

"Don't say it like that, Shinya. You did what you had to do. Now get
up and join us, okay?"

Toshiya held his hand out, but Shinya refused it. "Thank you so much,
but I'll be okay. Really."

"All right."

Toshiya got up and back to Die, who was looking at him
questioningly. "Later," he whispered, seeing that the remaining
sleepers where finally coming back to life.

***

Kaoru acted normal during the whole day. Too normal, as if he was
repressing something that was just waiting to explode. Shinya finally
joined with Toshiya and Die, and spent most of his time in the bus
with them. Things were a little awkward with Die, and they only told
insignificant things to the other. Die didn't even dare to pronounce
the least teasing comment, even if these came almost as naturally as
he breathed. If nothing else, they were on speaking terms at least.
And Toshiya was making an effort to accommodate Shinya so he wouldn't
feel too bad about last night. Kaoru spent most of is time with Kyo,
sometimes dropping a comment to the other party. All in all, the band
was on speaking terms but the pressure was there, a web of tension
linking them to each other, only leaving clueless Kyo out.

That night's performance wasn't a flop but it was far from being
their best one. Everyone felt like they had to distract themselves
afterwards. Kyo invited Shinya to go out with him and Kaoru, but the
drummer refused, feeling uncomfortable around his leader after the
situation he had witness last night, between him and Toshiya.
Clubbing had never been is favorite thing to do anyway. So they
parted their ways, Kyo and Kaoru to get themselves drunk, Die and
Toshiya to discuss in a caf?, and Shinya was off alone, planning to
stay outside and enjoy the warm evening…and think…

***

"So…What's been bothering you? " Die asked bluntly, sitting face to
Toshiya with a hot chocolate mug in his hand.

"Well…there are many things…" Toshiya took a sip of coffee, gathering
his thoughts. "Uh, first things first. I've been wondering… Are you
going out with someone?

"You know I don't care about love," Die said, lifting an eyebrow, "so
why the question? Do you think I'm going out with Kaoru, too?" The
surprised look on Toshiya's face told Die he had hit the right
spot. "Shinya asked me the same thing the other day," he
explained. "What does it matter so much to all of you what happens
between Kaoru and I anyway?"

Toshiya laughed shyly. "I'm not sure you want to know. "

Die's eyes brushed along Toshiya's features, searching for the
smallest hint of an answer. A brilliant flash suddenly hit the
redhead as he instantly put together the pieces of the puzzle he'd
been playing with since the last days, and he grinned. "You wouldn't,
by any way, like Kaoru?" Then he almost hit his forehead. "No,
scratch that, you're with Shinya… Here I thought that I'd just
figured it all out."

But Toshiya was staring at him. "How come you know so many things?
First of all, I'm not with Shinya, even if we've been acting a little
like a couple. And second, I do like Kaoru… But how did you…?"

"Don't know, intuition?" Die replied, taking mental notes. Toshiya
liked Kaoru and he wasn't with Shinya! Great! He couldn't wait to
tell Kaoru the good news… But he couldn't understand the powerful
feeling of relief he felt at these words, at knowing that Shinya
wasn't going out with Toshiya. He took a gulp of hot chocolate,
ignoring the unexpected emotion. "So…you like Kaoru…and you didn't
even tell me..." Die made a wounded puppy face.

"I didn't know if I should tell anyone," he explained with a timid
smile. "And when I caught you together I definitely wasn't going open
my mouth. What happened between you guys anyway? Fooling around?"

"Yeah, that's exactly it, it didn't mean anything to us, it was just…
for fun. I'm so sorry Toshiya. That must have been harsh for you to
see us…kissing and…you know…" Die cringed; he could never forget that
terrible moment of being caught in the act.

"I won't lie, it was terrible… I thought I'd lost you both… But I'm
getting over it. And now that I know you're not going out with Kaoru,
I'm hopeful. Do you think that I'm worthy of him, Die?"

"Of course are, Totchi," Die said quietly, wanting to add more, but
stopping himself, unwilling to betray Kaoru's confidence. "Don't ever
think the contrary… And don't give up on Kaoru until you give it a
good try."

"Thank you for the support, Die…" Toshiya shifted nervously on his
seat. "But… Things don't look so good now. I kind of…made him think
that I'm going out with Shinya."

*So he said,* Die thought. "What happened?" he asked. That part
sounded interesting, not only on Toshiya's behalf, but also because,
well, he was curious about what was happening with Shinya…

"Might as well tell you everything, you're my best friend after all…
but don't laugh."

"Have I ever laughed at your romantic problems?" Die asked with an
uncontrollable smirk.

"Baka," Toshiya said with a giggle, then he grew serious
again. "Well, I guess I got jealous of you and Kaoru, stupid me. And…
well. I got Shinya into pretending we were going out together, to
make, err, Kaoru jealous."

"And Shinya played the game?!" Die exclaimed.

"Yeah. He probably had his reasons. And now I think he likes me,"
Toshiya rushed on before Die asked about Shinya's motives.

"Really? Must be why he played along then. He wanted to be with you,"
Die presumed, a shadow of disappointment lodging in his soul.

"Nah, I don't think so," Toshiya replied uneasily.

This conversation was getting delicate… Toshiya didn't want to lie to
Die, but he didn't want to tell him the truth, to have Die find out
that Shinya liked him from someone else than Shinya himself… Poor
Shinya, he must be feeling so confused right now…he didn't need
Toshiya to meddle with his love life anymore than he already had….

"You know," Die said thoughtfully, breaking Toshiya's train of
thoughts, "the more I try to understand Shinya, the more he confuses
me…"

Toshiya smiled, contented with Die's sudden interest in Shinya. "I
know, he's so secretive most of the times. He's been opening up to me
lately, but he's still pretty hard to read."

"Lucky one, having Shinya confiding to you," Die said, a little
enviously. "That's not about to happen to me…" Die twirled his spoon,
observing the brown liquid attentively.

Toshiya grabbed the occasion. "You want to get closer to Shinya?

Die released the spoon. "Who wouldn't?" he asked, looking up. "He's
always so distant… the only way I can reach him is by teasing, and
that's not the best idea considering how susceptible he is…"

"There, you said it." Toshiya smiled warmly. "We both know that
Shinya's touchy. Do you think he'd want to turn to someone who makes
him see black half of the times he opens his mouth? Die, I don't want
to lecture you, but you have to know when to stop with him. I know
it's no fun, but that's how you have to take him, and who knows,
maybe in time he'll be more tolerant, and he might even see you more
as a friend than as an opponent."

Die shrugged. "Wonder if that's possible. But that would be nice. And
I have to admit I never really paid attention about where his limits
went," he said with a wry smile. "I kind of made him bust last time…"

"You mean when he slapped you, don't you?" Toshiya dared to ask, his
eyes into Die's.

It was Die's turn to look surprised, and a little perplexed. "Shinya
told you about that?"

"As I said, we did get closer." Toshiya sighed and went on. "You know
how it is, Shinya's too stubborn to beg for forgiveness. He thinks
that you should apologize first."

"Yeah, I know," Die laughed softly. "I guess I will then. No matter
how much of a pain he can be, I hate having him mad at me for too
long…"

There, what he said… It was the kind of words Toshiya had been
waiting for. He pushed his empty cup aside. "Die, can you be honest
with me? You really care about Shinya, don't you?"

Die looked uncomfortable, unsure of the hidden meaning these words my
carry. "Of course I care about him... He's my band mate…."

"Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but when I see the kind of attention
you give him, and the way you talk about him at times… Sometimes I
think you like him more than you seem to realize. You know, as in,
much, much more. But then again, maybe it's just me…" Toshiya shook
his head, sorry about having brought that up. He was trying to be
subtle and failing miserably. "Shall we go?" he asked awkwardly,
jumping to his feet.

Die frowned at him, not getting up. "Totchi, are you trying to
convince me that I like Shinya?"

"Who, me?" Toshiya asked innocently "Of course I don't want to
pressure you. But…if you feel something…I'd like to make you realize
it. You've been alone for a long time, and maybe you don't really
notice these things anymore."

Die pouted. "So you think I've turned into an iced cold unfeeling
android guitarist. Nice."

"I don't mean it like that!" Toshiya exclaimed.

"Just kidding. Well, to be honest with my dear best friend, I can say
that I like him," Die conceded. "I want to get to know him better,
but that's it. I don't want to go out with him or anything, so please
don't bring it up again." But even as he said these words they were
starting to fake to his ears. What were these feelings Toshiya had
started to awaken inside him? Had he really been that cold hearted
lately?

As for Toshiya, he was jumping around happily in his mind. Whatever
Die said, his face spoke better than words. He was interested, he
must be!!! Toshiya wanted so much for Shinya to go out with Die…for
them to fall in love, really in love… So that Shinya stopped hurting,
so that both of them could become truly happy. So that Shinya would
find someone to really turn to, someone to fill an emptiness that
Toshiya couldn't replace, no matter how hard he wished to…

Toshiya loved Kaoru, he couldn't help it. And now, he could try his
luck with his beloved guitarist! He was single, he was not taken! The
old hesitation was leaving Toshiya. For a moment he'd been so afraid
he'd lost him that now, Toshiya was ready to do anything for Kaoru…
Even if it was going to be nerve-wrecking, and really, really scary…
he couldn't do anything else than confess his love to Kaoru…

***

Why, oh why had he decided to go out with Kyo? All Kaoru had achieved
by coming to that bar had been to consume the biggest amount of
alcohol he'd ever drank in such a short time… And Kyo was nowhere to
be found, he was probably reapplying makeup or something but Koaru
felt too light-headed to get up and check. The music was blaring in
his ears, and he felt like he was gonna get sick.
Everytime he looked up he kept hallucinating Toshiya, only to realize
that the person didn't look like him at all… *Why did I fall for him,
why? He could never love someone like me…*

"Hey, is that seat taken?" someone said loudly in his ear, bending
down, close to him.

He looked up. Toshiya was staring at him, smiling shyly, taking place
on the stool. But, wait…the voice had been feminine… Kaoru blinked.
Oh, no, as if he needed that… A Toshiya cosplayer.

"You're the real thing, aren't you?" the girl asked with a flirty
smile, a delicate hand flying to his arm lightly. "Dir en Grey's
Kaoru-san…"

"You found me," Kaoru said, so drunk he didn't even try to deny
it. "You look pretty much like the real thing yourself."

"Thanks," she beamed, definitely excited of speaking with her
idol. "I just went to your show… Loved it!"

*Yeah, right, we sucked,* Kaoru thought somberly.

"You dance?" she asked, with an artificial, girly giggle.

"If I can get up…"

Kaoru emptied his glass, and smiled dazedly at the girl. She had
Toshiya's hair… Toshiya's look…she was as close to the real thing as
he could get…And she sure looked sexy, swaying toward him in the
manner Toshiya did so well when he had found a prey, her lips
pouting, her eyes challenging. She now stood before him, all short
skirt and leather with colorful tights, holding her hands out for him
to take. He grabbed them and got up woozily. She giggled and led him
to the dance floor, a hand still into his as he stumbled along,
trying to follow her steps.
Suddenly she stopped and he bumped into her.

"Ow, sorry about that," he apologized, his voice slow and quite
incoherent.

She turned around and suddenly wrapped her arms against him, running
her long fingernails against his back.

"We can do something else than dancing if you like, Kaoru-san," she
winked, lifting her head and engaging a long, hungry kiss. Kaoru, too
drunk to do anything else, let her, and, imagining it was Toshiya
coming on to him, responded with an uncontrolled passion, forcing his
tongue in her mouth, and kissing roughly, almost violently. Then
someone bumped against them. "Get a room!" a man snarled, before
hurrying away.
"Fuck you," Kaoru retorted to his back.

"You know, that might not be such a bad idea," the Toshiya cosplayer
drawled, her arms around his neck, pressing her body close to him,
unable to believe she was with Kaoru, Dir En Grey's Kaoru!!!

Kaoru smiled drunkenly. Yeah, that might be a good idea. He'd never
be able to get the real thing anyway, so he might as well just get
some with a Toshiya imitator. Who cared if she was a slut… Kaoru
kissed her lips quickly, roughly, then took her hand, trying to find
the exit.

"It's the other way," she giggled, pointing.

"Oh…yeah… well, shall we go have fun?"

She smiled victoriously. She was going to have Kaoru…all to herself…
man, she couldn't wait to tell the girls at school tomorrow!!

***

Die and Toshiya were almost back to the hotel when Toshiya pointed a
familiar figure sitting with his back against the trunk of a large
tree, looking thoughtful.

"You think he wants to talk to us?" Toshiya asked his friend. Die
just shrugged, therefore Toshiya started walking in Shinya's
direction, breathing in the smell of the peaceful, warm night. He
plopped down in the grass without a word, right beside Shinya, who
looked up with a tiny, surprised smile. Die took place beside the
bassist.

"Having fun?" he asked Shinya with a friendly smile.

"Yeah, having the time of my life," he retorted sarcastically,
glaring at Die.

"Woah, Shinya, what is that?" Toshiya asked. "He was just asking you
a question."

"And I answered it," Shinya replied shortly.

"Well, the night sure is nice, uh?" Toshiya said lightly, refusing to
give up on them and glancing up at the star studded sky. "So warm,
with a little breeze, and the smell of flowers… isn't that romantic?"

Die looked amused. "Who cares if it's romantic? That's the kind of
things you say to your koi, not to your band mates."

"Why not?" Toshiya asked innocently. "I do think the night is
romantic, so what does it matter if I say that?"

Die shrugged. "It just doesn't matter much whether it is or not."

"That guy is heartless. What do you think, Shinya?"

"About the night being romantic or about Die being heartless?"

Toshiya shrugged. "Never mind…" He got up. "Well, since I have no one
with whom to enjoy the atmosphere I might as well just go to sleep.
Have fun."

Shinya started getting on his feet. "I'm going in too."

"No you don't," Toshiya said in a tone that let not room for
objection. "You're still young. Enjoy the night. Ja!"

Toshiya turned to go quickly, Shinya shooting daggers at his back. He
wanted to kill Toshiya for leaving him alone with Die; he knew very
well that his friend was trying to get them together, and his method
wasn't subtle at all. Both men swam in an embarrassed silence for a
moment, Shinya playing absently with the grass, pulling the blades
out one by one.

"Well…" Die said finally, breaking the heavy silence. "Since we're
together I might as well apologize…"

Shinya lifted his head in astonishment. Had he heard right?

"I think I went too far the other day. I deserved that slap." Die
looked so sincere, Shinya had to believe him. He threw a handful of
ripped blades of grass away, looking at them catch the breeze.

"Well, I… I apologize for slapping you," Shinya said, knowing it was
his cue, eyes set on the dark expense of grass. "I did go too far,
too… "

Die nodded. "Apology accepted." He smiled. "And I might as well
apologize completely. I know I tease you too much sometimes, but it's
so easy to make you react, it's hard to resist... You know I'm not
doing it cause I hate you, Shinya." At which words he looked down at
his hands.

"I know. But sometimes I just forget." He laughed shyly, and finally
set his eyes on Die's face. "It's in those times that I take it
personally and I react too much…"

"Tell you what. If you think I'm going too far again, don't be afraid
to tell me. I'll stop. And if I don't, just slap me."

"Are you serious?" Shinya asked, perplexed.

"Yeah… Hey, would you like to take a walk? Toshiya was right, the
evening is beautiful."

Shinya hesitated. Had something happened to transform Die into a
complete stranger? He was actually acting nice… Shinya nodded numbly,
afraid Die was just teasing him.

They got up, and suddenly something warm brushed against Shinya's
fingers, a fleeting contact that made his heart stop beating. A hand
grasped his, fingers lacing with Shinya's quite confidently,
squeezing lightly. Shinya's fingers automatically responded, gripping
at Die hand in yearning, but then he looked into Die's eyes and
froze. What the hell was happening!? It didn't make sense, it was
incongruous, illogical, it couldn't be happening! Die, taking his
hand!? What the hell could have Toshiya told him!?"

Shinya dropped the hand briskly. "Die?"

Die looked infinitely uncomfortable as he took a step away from
Shinya. "Sorry, I didn't mean to, I, err, I'll go to sleep now okay?"
he mumbled, at loss for words.

He turned away, leaving Shinya with the feeling of being the biggest
coward on Earth. There, Die had acted like he came straight out of a
fantasy, and Shinya had been so incredulous he had been unable to
react like any normal human being would have.

"Wait Die!" he shouted, not bearing the thought of letting him slip
away so easily. He jogged to Die's awaiting figure. "You're not
really going to sleep? Weren't we supposed to take a walk? And enjoy
the evening? It smells so good outside…"

Shinya was starting to babble, but he didn't care, Die was looking at
him with that grin of his, and Shinya was melting, dissolving to dust
at the mere sight of that beautiful smile addressed to him… They
walked silently, neither of them willing to mention what had just
occurred. Shinya's mind wandered, and his thoughts guiltily shifted
to Toshiya for a moment… Last night, when they'd kissed, Shinya's
heart hadn't beaten half as fast as now. And that light, fluttering
emotion wasn't caused by anything more than Die's closeness…

"Is something on your mind?" Die asked, noticing the faraway look in
Shinya's eyes after a quick inspection.

"I guess. I'm thinking about Toshiya."

"So you're with me and you think about Toshiya? What's that all
about?" Die pouted.

Shinya looked at him blankly.

"I'm just kidding."

"Again," Shinya said exasperatedly, crossing his arms. "Just when I
was starting to think maybe you were able to cut the teasing."

"Keeps coming back," Die said, holding his hands up helplessly. "Just
don't take me too seriously."

"That's easy for you to say… Anyway, I'm just worrying about Toshiya
a little."

"He's become a…close friend, hasn't he?" Die asked, choosing his
words carefully, thinking about his conversation with Toshiya.

"Yeah, you could call it that… He's so easy to get along with… You
must have noticed."

"Of course I do. Toshiya's special…"

"He's so…understanding," Shinya went on. "Whatever you do wrong he
won't throw it in your face and make you feel bad about it, he just
wants to make people feel better, and he lets their feelings pass
before his own. I wonder how he does it… he must get hurt so often…
more than most people…"


"Maybe he does," Die said, glancing at Shinya in slight amazement.
The shy man had just about confided to him… "But Toshiya gains
people's trust easily too, for the same reason. And in the end
they'll take better care of him, if he does count for them…"

"Well, I really could learn from him," Shinya admitted. They walked
on in a contemplative silence, side by side, entering a tiny park.
Die came to a stop and spoke up.

"You know, it's nice to see you open up like that," he said, turning
so he was face to face with Shinya.

"I know I keep too much to myself," the drummer said shyly. "But it's
hard being honest with you, Die. I'm always scared you'll ridicule
me."

"That might come out as a surprise, but I can be serious too," Die
pronounced with a smile, embracing a very surprised Shinya. He took a
deep breath and nervously brought their faces close from each other;
they couldn't be more than two inches apart. "You're really making me
feel serious now…"

Shinya wasn't able to speak, to give the slightest reaction. And Die
was still inching closer. "Do you want…?" he breathed, the warm air
making a soft caress on Shinya's lips.

It was as if time had stopped, leaving Shinya in a very confused
state as he realized that whatever happened with Die rested solely on
his shoulders… He could feel Die so close, his lips tinkling from the
proximity. *Toshiya,* Shinya thought suddenly. *I can't do it! I
can't chose!* Even if the choice was obvious, he couldn't kiss Die
with complete honesty right now. He looked into Die's eyes and
immediately regretted it. Losing himself into them was almost
unavoidable. He turned his head away quickly.

"Sorry," Shinya whispered. "Not now."

Die held him tighter and kissed his cheek tenderly.

"That's okay. I'm not really sure what I'm doing anyway. I don't know
what's happening between us. But, what I know is that I like the
Shinya I'm seeing now…"

Shinya rested his head in Die's chest, unable to resist the appealing
comfort summoning him. "I can return the compliment. I really like
you the way you are right now… "

A comfortable silence settled between them, and Die ran a light hand
in Shinya's hair, looking at him in wonder. Shinya's eyes were closed
and he looked dreamy. They must be making such a pretty picture, he
and Shinya in that sweet embrace... Die really should have opened up
eyes sooner, and seen him as more than the spoiled brat he'd first
appeared to be… Cause now, any of Die's old comments about love being
stupid and unnecessary didn't apply anymore. He wanted to hold Shinya
all night, he didn't want to ever let him out of his arms…

"I never believed we'd ever be like we are now, you and I," Shinya
said suddenly. "I like it."

"So do I, but you need time and I guess I do too." Die smiled
ruefully. "Shall we return?"

Shinya nodded, reluctantly stepping away. He reached out to take
Die's hand without linking their fingers together. Die smiled and
squeezed it hard. *Shin-chan…*


***

Die! Shin-chan! *_* Finally things are getting better for them,
*sighs*. But that stupid Kaoru...it's not by sleeping with a Toshiya
wannabe that he'll arrange his love life!
*Wishes for comments*

-Arashi

~to be continued~

email Arashi

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